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For those who shut down emotionally and walked away...


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Originally posted by sami

It matters because the " dumpee" will always feel hurt and angry.

 

Well, win some - lose some. It's part of life. Deal with it.

 

What don't you understand about the dumper and dumpee? :confused: I really don't see your confusion. I think Moimeme was very clear.

 

~V

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You are entitled to your opinion not to see it as a " sign of maturity at all". Remember, that is only your opinion not her's.

 

So Sami, essentially what you're saying is someone who shuts down and closes him/herself off to the other person and ignores them and avoids them and walks away hoping not to ever talk or see them again, even when the person has no IDEA what's going on, still thinks that they will be together again and has no real reason to think otherwise despite the fact that it's been two weeks since last contact, THAT's a sign of maturity?

 

Anyway. My relationship ended because, A) I got selfish and too comfortable and B) She wasn't willing to work things out, she just wanted to be single and have her "time and space" which meant "I don't want you in my life at all anymore." I'd give you more info but there's just too much to tell. If you're bored, you can look at my old posts, it's all on there.

 

Nothing happened that couldn't have been resolved. Nothing. I was more than willing. She wasn't at all. Simple as that.

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feeling silly
Originally posted by UCFKevin

 

Nothing happened that couldn't have been resolved. Nothing. I was more than willing. She wasn't at all. Simple as that.

 

 

Then I believe she did you a favor. :)

 

Being the "dumper", I can say that it was necessary for me to break it off. I realised that it would never work for him and I. My circumstances were a bit different only because he was a rebound from a previous LTR. The sad part is that he got hurt. Do I still think about him? Of course, I'm human. But it had to be done for my own sanity.............selfish? Not at all. He will eventually find someone else who can offer him back the love that he deserves.

 

I don't know if that helps, it's the "female dumper's" perspective.

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Well, everyone's situation is different, of course. What you did was probably logical, but what happened with us, as far as I'm concerned, wasn't.

 

But in a way, it's good that it ended. If I was still with her, I wouldn't be moving to LA. Probably never would.

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feeling silly

"If I was still with her, I wouldn't be moving to LA. Probably never would."

 

 

See? There you go. The future Mrs. UCFKevin is probably waiting in LA for you. :cool:

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Shutting down emotionally is a bad habit to get into, let alone a way of life.

I just broke up with by boyfriend that I loved very much- all due to his lifelong

habit of isolating himself emotionally. Although I am very hurt, I feel for him.

I will go on, he is trapped with himself forever.

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Yeah, you gotta wonder if people who do this sorta thing are stuck doing this sorta thing, caught in an endless cycle?

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feeling silly
Originally posted by UCFKevin

Yeah, you gotta wonder if people who do this sorta thing are stuck doing this sorta thing, caught in an endless cycle?

 

I think it's quite possible to shut down emotionaly, if the person is on mood altering medication.

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I'll take a stab at this, from my experiences as the "dumper." :)

 

was there ever a time afterwards where you thought, "Oh crap, what the hell did I do? I'm a moron!"

 

I've had two kinds of experiences. When I ended things with my bf of four years, I did it with a lot of thought. I knew it was the right thing to do, so I never questioned it. I felt nothing but a load off my mind after I did it.

 

With two others, I briefly had the "what the hell did I do" feeling, but in retrospect, it was based on suddenly having a huge empty part in my life--the time and parts that they took up. That's always kind of a shock to the system! Once I got back on track with being a single person, I never questioned my decision. Again, I know if I've decided that it needs to end, it needs to end. Even if it hurts.

 

I've never regretted any of my decisions.

 

Or is the emotional shutdown a permanent thing?

 

I wouldn't say it's an "emotional shutdown." It's more of a realization that the relationship is not working, or is not giving me what I need, so it's time to move on. I felt some sadness--when you devote that much time to a relationship, it's sad when it doesn't work out. But in the end, you just have to move on. If that's viewed as "emotionally shutting down" by the "dumpee," then I guess it is what it is.

 

Do you ever find yourself thinking of your ex, fondly or otherwise?

 

Of course! Mostly fondly. They were all great guys--just not the guys for me.

 

Ever contact them?

 

Nope. Although I do see one of my exes from time to time since we have mutual friends.

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I know they think of us and we think of them. There are guys that I dated over 10 years ago that I still think of once in a while - when I see a certain movie, hear a certain song, go to a certain place, or just remembering something that happened around the time I was with them.

 

Last night, my ex who broke up with me 2 weeks ago - he called out of the blue to tell me that he was making something from the cookbook that I gave him for valentine's day. That made me think of a lot of belongings of his that I was with him when he bought them. When he uses them, maybe he thinks of me. When someone mentions Fifty First Dates, Barbershop 2, Along Came Polly - he will remember that he saw them with me. Along with all the videos we watched, and the sporting events we attended..

 

But remembering just isn't enough. They have to want to start new memories with us or we are just wasting our time thinking about it. While Mike did call me to tell me that - he wanted very little else. He said he just thought I would enjoy that. Then he said he had to go because he had some relatives there. He didn't ask to spend time with me. So what can I possibly read into it? Believe me, I have tried... but it is too confusing.

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Sounds pretty odd. Maybe he just wants to be fresh on your mind.

 

I'm wondering if the whole emotional shutdown thing is a predominantly female thing to do or do guys do it as well?

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Another post from a dumpee...

 

Well, the reason I'm replying is because these very thoughts are going thru my head in addition to the million other ones I'm sure you all know about so i won't bother venting them.

 

She'll remember you always Kevin. I too am just coming out of a 2.5 yr relationship and it ended very quickly also. I am left with tons of thoughts, regrets, and sadness. I miss her every day but whenever we talk I end up feeling worse than before.

 

I guess we have to walk away satisfied with our efforts to make it work. At the end of the day if they loved us as much as we loved them, they would have gone to the lengths we did to make it work. Instead, she chose to end it without so much as a conversation about her feelings or coming to me to say what was the matter...the decision was final.

 

So what now...sit and wonder what if? Try and analyze the sh** out of something I'll never be able to prove? Hope they'll remeber us? Of course they will...but it will be while they're out trying to find what wasn't satisfied by "us"....

 

Screw it, heal, move on...I'll be lying next to someone who will make this whole experience worthwhile one day soon. Or at least I sure as hell hope so...

 

And I hope even more she wakes up one day and realizes she made a huge mistake in judgement...will I ever know though?..... probably not and neither will you Kevin, that's the reality of it.

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Kevin... even better picture! Wow. I wish I was straight and about 10 years younger. My God, keep it up and you'll have half of loveshackers after you.

 

Anyway... we seem to be wondering the same things. Friday nights are the hardest for me. The agony is beyond belief. I think it's time for anti-depressants. Obviously they aren't coming back. I still pray though. But I know I'm depressed at this point. I hope you consider them as well. For women there is a temporary medication called SaraFem, you only take it when you feel you are slipping. So it isn't permanent. I don't know if there's something similar for men?

 

At Easter, let's make a pact. It will be a new day risen, and we will stop thinking about them. It will be a new day indeed.

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[font=courier new][/font][color=blue][/color]I understand what you are all talking about. I know I am only 17,but it still hurts really bad. My bf broke up with me the week before Valentines day.He's in college but only a year older than me. Everything was going really good ,than out of the blue he calls and wants to take me out.Which he hadn't done in a few weeks on the weekends. He took me to Krogers and asked me if I was happy with us,I said yes and he said I don't think we should see each other anymore.Than he said he just wanted to be friends and when I said I couldn't do that he told me later he felt weak in the knees. He fed me all this crap that he said he did just to make me feel good.I finally gave in and agreed and when I said I couldn't change his mind,he never said anything.There are so many things left unanswered and I am not pushing us right now. We see each other at the Y and we email each other a few times a week.I think the biggest mistake was he let my dad get him a job where he worked and than broke up with me. That was the biggest mistake.These guys have known me since I was 6 and they have been riding his butt for the past month,even when we go the YMCA.They keep asking if he is gay because he gave up such a gorgeous girl.I feel bad because I know there are feelings there,I see it and he watches me from across the room all the time we are working out.I returned the stuff he gave me for Christmas and he gave everything back,but a pic of us and my diary. Yes my diary,It was from Christmas to New Years and there was nothing bad in it just good.Why would he keep a diary?

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i know he thinks of me but is also glad that hes over with me.

 

So i think our exes do think of us but at the same time also pat themselves on their backs for making the right decision and moving on. I cant forget him ever though. I know i cant. Impossible...

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Neonink, nah, I'd never need antidepressants. I'm not that low. In reality, I'm doing pretty well. I have my moments when I think about her quite a bit but they pass. In fact, this week, despite the whole email thing with her, this was one of the best weeks I've had in ages, work was just spectacularly fun and easy going, had fun with my friends, all that jazz.

 

Eagle, everything you said is completely dead on. Especially about the part of if they loved us that much, they would've appreciated our efforts and come back to us, or at least try more, y'know? Pretty clear where they stand when they're so standoffish. There were signs all throughout the "break" that is was completely over, I just never saw them. I was stupid. I didn't want to give up hope. She SAID, at the end, that she WAS going to come back to me, but somehow I just can't believe that.

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Kevin,

Shutting down emotionally and walking away is certainly not a healthy thing to do. However, a lot of people search and search and come up with no other way, even though they are aware that it's wrong. I am 33 years old, have have no children and been married for 15 years and I love my husband more than anything. He's a wonderful person, works very hard, has never laid a hand on me and for the most part we have been a happy couple...but feelings change. I have felt for several months now that my husband just isn't happy with me anymore. This shows through discussions that we have have. Otherwise normal marital spats have have become a game of : "Let's see how much I can put on her before she cracks" All of the sudden, I went from a great wife to a wife who can't say anything right and what I do manage to get out, ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS comes accross as a put down and I now always see all of his actions and statements as negative...I see the bad in him and not the good. As I said, this has been going on for several months now and I'm hear to tell you that I am an emotional wreck and shutting down at a rapid pace. I truly don't think that he wants me to leave, but for some reason that's how he's treating me. I have always been one to sit around and wait and be the one who is still standing there smiling...Like Mrs Ingalls on Little House on the Prairie.....AND HE KNOWS THAT! But it won't be too long before he realizes that I'm not going to still be standing here for very much longer...I can't...I will go insane.

Now, I realize that I have totally went off on an uncalled for rant (sorry :-) and I'm sure that by your account of what went down with you and your loved one, that you obviously did everything you could to make your lives wonderful and for some reason she couldn't deal, but guess what sweetie...it's her loss. As much as it hurt you and continue's to hurt, it's still her loss. I'm sure that she thinks about you quite often and I'm sure that if she doesn't already kick herself in the ass for doing it the way she did, she will be sooner or later.

Keep your chin up and remember that no one will take care of you and love you...but you! I truly hope that my ranting has not offended you in any way and I hope you have have a wonderful day! Mona Lisa :-)

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Ok -

I am guilty of this. It might be immature, deliquent, awful, etc - but I have done it more than once.

 

To become emotionally detached is my way of coping with what is going on in the relationship, with the negative feelings that I am feeling in the relationship (feelings I don't understand, can't verbalize or am just confused by), and what I suspect is going to happen.

 

It is wrong - but once I've done this - it is impossible to get me back.

Right away ---

 

Usually, a long time later, I look back and go "oh s&it", what have I done? It my last case it was 3 years too late. Yes - I do think of them...

 

However, everything happens for a reason - if she shut down - let her know how you feel, and move on.

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Usually, a long time later, I look back and go "oh s&it", what have I done? It my last case it was 3 years too late. Yes - I do think of them...

 

For those of us who "stay in the moment and feel the pain and look to solutions"...

For those of us who DO NOT put our heads in the sand and wish the world away...

For those of us who aren't afraid to talk about the elephant in the room...

For those of us who are emotionally deep enough to know love doesn't come 'round here too often... and when it does, it's worth fighting for....

 

I hope we stop meeting people that cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel, afraid to take a chance and love and forgive and walk through the fire with us.

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My god, I think me and UptownGirl are long lost sisters :-) It has taken me so so so long to even start to shut down emotionally, but once I do, you've lost me. I just can't help it! It just happens and though it's sad..it still happens.

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3 & ½ Years. All what we called the perfect. We met when she was seventeen and I was 21. They say I robbed the cradle, maybe I did. We waited until she turned 18 then got married moved into my mom’s house then we have had our own place together ever since. I have seen her change over these 3 years. She has seen me change not so much. I still like to do what I did back then. She still does not like to do much. Except for the fact that she just turned 21. Now all her synapses are flashing.

 

We had a conversation about re-evaluating our relationship last night. I emotionally shut down. My silence killed me. I let her do most of the talking. I knew where it was heading. Love but not in love. Smoke too much pot. And don’t spend time with me, just spend time with your friends. Then it was over. It was over a lot faster than it began.

 

I did see this coming with her growing, but it still hurts the same. I don’t know where to go from here? The longest relationship of my life. My wife? Whom I still love? I just remained quiet?

 

But if you love someone let them be free ! Because I know that I don’t want to be in a situation where someone else is unhappy.

 

I have never been dumped like that, I don’t know what the single world is like I am only 24, and now I am hurt and scared ! help !

 

At least we dont have any kids.. wow... all this happened last night

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Hey buddy.

Sounds like this is prettyy fresh. Well, it will only get better from here, that's unfortunately all anyone can say that will happen for sure.

 

Sounds also like you guys have a great deal of history. Maybe it's a good thing you didn't say anything last night. Sometimes simply absorbing everyting and taking some time to think about all the information presented to you will help.

 

My advice...give her some time to think about things, leave the channels of communication open so that when she's ready, you can sit down and talk about things. If I were you , i would list all the things (on paper) that she indicated to you as reasons for parting. Beside them list your HONEST reaction to them. The deciding factor might be your willingness to sacrifice/compromise in these areas. Are you in agreement that these are issues that need to be worked on...or are these things that are part of You? All things you need to consider and decide on.

 

Hopefully at some point soon, you both are willing to sit down and discuss the potential for working things out.

 

However, if her decision is final, you need to begin to acept this reality and begin the healing process. Keep us updated buddy, and remember...you are far from alone!!

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