Asking out someone I met on Facebook

[John9]

[i am new here, so if this is not the appropriate place for this topic, I apologize]

 

I'm John, a 21 year old college senior. I over-analyze everything and need some outside opinions on this situation.

 

I recently met someone on a Facebook group. She had commented on the wall of the group, I responded to her comment, and we had a little conversation going.

 

Eventually I sent her a private message, introduced myself, and sent her a friend request. It turns out we are in the same city, are very much alike, share the same religious views, etc. I ended up inviting her to a church thing, but she did not respond to my message. I then messaged her again a day later reminding her when the event was to take place and that I hoped I would see her there.

 

Previously that day, she had posted a status on her Facebook page that hinted that she was having a bad day. So I included my phone number in my Facebook message letting her know she could call me if she wanted to talk.

 

First of all, I understand I probably made a mistake in inviting her to a church thing rather than requesting an actual date or something. But we had only been corresponding for like 3 days anyway. Secondly, I am certain I came off as really desperate by giving her my phone number rather than asking for hers.

 

She messaged me back later that evening saying she would not be able to make it and that she was appreciative of my offer to talk to her (since she was having a bad day). But I could tell she was just being polite most likely and had no intention of calling me, which I don't blame her given the way I handled it.

 

I messaged her back saying something to the effect of "Okay I understand, maybe another time" or something like that.

 

At that point, I felt like I had really screwed up. So I sent her yet another message the following day with some excuse like "hey I don't know how much I'll be on facebook this weekend, so let me get your phone number and I can just text you sometime." Of course she didn't respond because I am an idiot.

 

So I sent her yet ANOTHER message two days later just trying to start up another conversation and... you guessed it: no response.

 

I came up with a lot of theories as to what I had done wrong or whatever. From what I have seen on her Facebook, she receives attention from other guys which is to be expected given that she is very attractive and seems pretty cool. But from just seeing her comments toward them, I can tell she has gotten used to ithe attention. Essentially, I'm thinking in her mind she probably said "Oh this John guy is just another guy hitting on me, nothing to see here.. next!"

 

As luck would have it, she and I happened to be on Facebook chat at the same time this past Monday. I struck up an hour long conversation and it went pretty well, in my opinion. During the conversation, I did not ask for her number, did not mention my number, and did not mention a date or anything like that.

 

The following day, I saw a comment on her Facebook that mentioned she wishes she could find a guy who would just like to take her on a date for a good conversation and just to get to know her. She just wants someone who "shows interest" in her, to quote her.

 

I believe I have showed sufficient interest in her, but I guess the manner in which I displayed that interest came across as a little too forward. I also realize she is looking for someone to take her out on an actual date, not some church thing. So yeah I know I screwed up, but after our conversation the other day, I felt like I had redeemed myself.

 

So here is my dilemma: I know that the opportunity to speak with her on Facebook chat will present itself again. And apart from Facebook chat and private messaging on Facebook, I have no way of communicating with her (considering she simply ignored my message requesting her phone number).

 

All I want to do is meet her, take her on a date, get to know her, and she if she is the same person in real life as her Facebook profile would suggest. I would love nothing more than a simple hour or two at a coffee shop just to talk to her. It's not rocket science. But I always over-complicate these things and I'm not sure how to go about asking her. I'm not even sure what the time table is for this type of situation, given that we met sort of randomly on Facebook, not a dating site or whatever.

 

I seriously don't think she ignored my messages for any reason other than the overtly forward nature of my requests was just kind of creepy. I'm not unattractive, I'm a pretty normal guy, but I just jumped the gun on this one and need to figure out how to fix it.

 

So should I ask her out the next time I'm able to speak to her on Facebook chat? How would I go about doing that? Just fit it in to the conversation somehow? Or just at some point in the conversation outright say "Hey, I'd really like to meet you for coffee sometime"? Should I wait longer before asking her out? We just met last week, but I don't see the harm in just getting together for coffee.

 

I figure coffee is a pretty innocent first date. Going out to dinner for a first date, at least for someone whom I know only through facebook, seems kind of intimidating. Coffee is a pretty normal thing and all I genuinely want to do is meet her, talk to her, get to know her, and see how things go. It's pretty simple.

 

Sorry that was such a long build up to a pretty simple question. I really appreciate any and all help you would be able to provide. Thank you!

[whichwayisup]

A little much, a little too soon.

 

OK, take a deep breath. She still has you as a friend on fb. You've chatted with her for an hour, without bringing up a date, phone numbers etc, so that's good.

 

Now, back off. Don't look for her online. If you see her on, don't message her. If she messages you first, that's different..

 

Maybe in afew weeks, drop her a note, apologize for being too forward and pushy, but if she would like to do coffee sometime to let you know. Then go from there. No response? Then she definately isn't interested.

 

Try not to stress out. If it doesn't work out, atleast you now know to take it really slowly next time.

[rated10]

Hi John,

Pretty nice story there..

@whichwayisup has said it all.

to add to this, i think the next time you meet online, just speak on anything nice and not asking her out.

with some little time she might buy the idea of going on a date.

i'm sure things will work with these ideas

goodluck!

[John9]

Thanks for your responses, guys. I appreciate your time and help.

 

Maybe in afew weeks, drop her a note, apologize for being too forward and pushy, but if she would like to do coffee sometime to let you know. Then go from there. No response? Then she definately isn't interested.

 

Do you think that an apology just kind of comes off as a little desperate? If I was going to do that, I'd probably say "Hey I just wanted to apologize for being a little pushy last time by giving you my number and everything. I don't want you to think I'm usually that forward with people. But I would really like to meet you for coffee sometime if you're interested."

 

That just seems desperate to me. I hate to ask you all to coach me through the progressions and what to say, but I already screwed this up once and I don't want to mess up a second chance, because she and I seem very alike.

 

I guess I just need to be patient. That's always been my problem.

[Yvette_Sveden]

Thanks for your responses, guys. I appreciate your time and help.

 

 

"Hey I just wanted to apologize for being a little pushy last time by giving you my number and everything. I don't want you to think I'm usually that forward with people. But I would really like to meet you for coffee sometime if you're interested."

 

 

You should remove that sentence. She reads that and she will think that you ARE the type of person who's usually that forward with people. That's because you were that forward with her.

 

Even if you did remove that sentence and send her that message, this is already a lost case. You should forget about her and move on to someone different. Chances are she's having sex (or at least going out) with another guy who's not taking her to church.

 

Find someone else who suits you better, someone who's willing to express interest in you as well. Whatever you do, no churches, please.

 

 

Yvette from Sweeden

[John9]

Chances are she's having sex (or at least going out) with another guy who's not taking her to church.

 

Considering her relationship status is set to "single" and she makes comments/status updates on facebook hinting at how she is desiring of someone to take her out on a date, I'll take my chances that you're wrong. Thanks for your optimistic input.

[VeveCakes]

Considering her relationship status is set to "single" and she makes comments/status updates on facebook hinting at how she is desiring of someone to take her out on a date, I'll take my chances that you're wrong. Thanks for your optimistic input.

 

 

Well I agree with them. If she was interested, she would have taken your number or given you hers when you first offered it. I think you're wasting your time. Shes looking for guys....but not you.

[Yvette_Sveden]

Well I agree with them. If she was interested, she would have taken your number or given you hers when you first offered it. I think you're wasting your time. Shes looking for guys....but not you.

 

Exactly. I agree with him 100%.

 

Just because she has her status at single and she regularly makes updates doesn't mean that she's doing it all for you. If she wants you, then why would she be looking for other guys to take her out? She's attractive (as you say), so she will generate a lot of attention from men. Being that that's the case, chances are she will choose someone who doesn't seem as needy.

 

From reading your first post, the things you theorized as your reasons of messing up were the exact reasons why everyone else reading it thought you messed up.

 

Don't get stuck up on her. If you send her another message days later, asking her out or asking for her number, after she's given you no indication that she's interested in seeing you, you will come off as desperate and not having anything else going on in your life.

 

The only exception to all of this is if SHE initiates contact and wants to set something up with you. Otherwise, don't waste time on her. I'm pretty sure some other girl will show you she's interested. And when she does, you will be able to tell.

 

 

Yvette from Sweden

[Yvette_Sveden]

I wonder how John's progressing with that girl he met on Facebook?

[John9]

I wonder how John's progressing with that girl he met on Facebook?

 

Well she has initiated contact with me... sorta. She has commented on some of my status updates/posts. I guess you can take that for what it's worth, which isn't very much in my opinion.

 

I'm pretty sure some other girl will show you she's interested. And when she does, you will be able to tell.

 

Well you nailed it there... In this past week I have met someone and we have been hanging out quite a bit.

 

I'm not bad looking, I don't lack confidence, I'm a pretty normal guy. I have no problem speaking to girls or communicating with them on a date or anything. I guess I just felt like, with this Facebook girl who I started the thread about, it was a situation I had never encountered. I also sort of screwed up by coming off as desperate, which is rare for me, and I didn't know how to fix it.

 

Regardless, another girl has entered my life. But one of my faults is that I guess I want what I can't have. And this new girl has made it almost too easy for me. She straight up told me last night "I like you" which is of course flattering, but I wouldn't mind a little more flirting/mystery rather than just saying it straight up like that. I like the chase I guess....

 

Which brings me back to the Facebook girl. It bugs me that I can't even figure out how to get a date with her, whereas other girls come on to me as easily as this new one has. And since I want what I can't have, I can't stop thinking about girl #1.

 

Things are complicated to say the least.

 

And, Yvette, I wanted to apologize if I came across as an ******* in my response to your first post. It seemed to me that you were belittling me and I became overly defensive pretty much because I know you were right. However, I genuinely appreciate your input and I thank you for your time.

[Yvette_Sveden]

Well she has initiated contact with me... sorta. She has commented on some of my status updates/posts. I guess you can take that for what it's worth, which isn't very much in my opinion.

 

I agree with the last part.

 

 

Well you nailed it there... In this past week I have met someone and we have been hanging out quite a bit.

 

That sounds a bit promising. You see, if that girl from Facebook was as interested in you as you would've liked her to be, that would've been her instead of the other girl you were actually with. That girl was available and was down with meeting up with you. That girl from Facebook wasn't giving you the green light to actually do anything with her. Essentially, you were showing her the door to your heart. All she had to do was walk though it. She hasn't. When you start seeing someone, your perception of your ideal girl gets replaced by the actual person. That feeling can be so relieving, you know? You slowly forget about the original girl and start focusing on the one who's actually next to you.

 

 

I'm not bad looking, I don't lack confidence, I'm a pretty normal guy. I have no problem speaking to girls or communicating with them on a date or anything. I guess I just felt like, with this Facebook girl who I started the thread about, it was a situation I had never encountered. I also sort of screwed up by coming off as desperate, which is rare for me, and I didn't know how to fix it.

 

Regardless, another girl has entered my life. But one of my faults is that I guess I want what I can't have. And this new girl has made it almost too easy for me. She straight up told me last night "I like you" which is of course flattering, but I wouldn't mind a little more flirting/mystery rather than just saying it straight up like that. I like the chase I guess....

 

Which brings me back to the Facebook girl. It bugs me that I can't even figure out how to get a date with her, whereas other girls come on to me as easily as this new one has. And since I want what I can't have, I can't stop thinking about girl #1.

 

I can understand how you feel, sweetie. What happens (and I'm referring to every guy, not just you) is that when you are very attracted to some girl, you act very differently around her than you would around someone who you're not so attracted to. To the one who you have the hots for, you start to become a little too nice with her and you put her on a pedestal somewhat, which can come across as needy. With the girls who you couldn't care about, you treat them as if you couldn't care about them. You don't waste their time and space the way you would with the hottie you like best. As a result, the girls who you sort of ignore want to know a little more about you and they start to drop hints that she's into you, whereas the girl who you smothered has no interest in chasing you because you have revealed all your cards already. Are you feeling me?

 

If you can, make her jealous. If you can show off this girl in front of the Facebook girl, then there's a better chance she'll respond to you. I'm NOT promising that it will work. But it's an idea you can tackle.

 

This new girl, is she a shy girl? Maybe her experience in dating is not much, so this can be relatively new to her. But she does like you. If I like a guy, I'll let him know that. If you have no energy to make the Facebook girl jealous in such a way, then completely forget about her and see where this new girl leads you.

 

And, Yvette, I wanted to apologize if I came across as an ******* in my response to your first post. It seemed to me that you were belittling me and I became overly defensive pretty much because I know you were right. However, I genuinely appreciate your input and I thank you for your time.

 

Don't worry about it, sweetheart. I said what I had to say because I do want to see you make the best out of your predicament that you found yourself in. It was said in a way to get your attention. I didn't want to respond to the time you became defensive because if I did, it would've made things more difficult for you to see what was most likely going on. You would be more mad at me and not taking the time to cool yourself over the situation at the same time.

 

Take care, babe!

 

 

Yvette from Sweden

[Joe Normal]

You are analysing this too much. First girl isn't interested in you, forget her. Second girl is interested in you, go out on a date with her and see how it goes. This isn't rocket science - if a girl cold shoulders you once, then maybe ONE more effort is ok, but if she ignores you twice then just forget about her and move on, don't hang around like a bad smell.