Where are all the conflicted MM?

[D-Lish]

It has often occurred to me that the majority of posters in this particular forum are women. The women are lamenting, the women are suffering- but where are the MM?

 

I know men surface here and there- and there are men in the infidelity forum speaking about being betrayed. This entire LS forum is 50% men as far as I can tell- but the amount of MM posting here about their affairs with OW as they betray their spouse are few and far between.

 

Why is that?

 

For every OW out there, there is a MM and a BS... But the banter here is often reduced to the OW and BS's...

 

We could make the arguement that women are more prone to be social and talk things out- but such an argument is clearly negated by the amount of males posting in the other forums.

 

What do people think about this?

I just posted in another forum that MM having affairs are content- and content people don't seek counsel- is that a fair statement, or is it something else?

 

We can't deny that an overwhelming majority of posters in this sub-forum are female... Why is that?

[carhill]

Men generally share their good fortunes (not so much the bad) with other men and keep the bad to themselves, and this place, as indicated, is predominantly pink and populated by women so they just don't see it as appropriate or necessary. Additionally, they can't control the dynamic here like they can IRL, so generally choose not to weaken their power base.

 

You also don't see many OM's here either, essentially for the same reasons, IMO.

 

IIRC, I posted here for about a year or so during my EA but my interest is in relationships in general and learning from experiences rather than focusing on any one part or forum, so there's no real cogent history of me here, other than what people read in my journals. I was plenty conflicted but MC gave me clarity.

 

When I do searches and bring up old threads, I see we've lost a lot of good men from all corners of the spectrum. Sorry I never knew them. I hear from a few others (OM's) privately who generally don't post anymore. It just doesn't interest them.

[D-Lish]

Men generally share their good fortunes (not so much the bad) with other men and keep the bad to themselves, and this place, as indicated, is predominantly pink and populated by women so they just don't see it as appropriate or necessary. Additionally, they can't control the dynamic here like they can IRL, so generally choose not to weaken their power base.

 

You also don't see many OM's here either, essentially for the same reasons, IMO.

 

IIRC, I posted here for about a year or so during my EA but my interest is in relationships in general and learning from experiences rather than focusing on any one part or forum, so there's no real cogent history of me here, other than what people read in my journals. I was plenty conflicted but MC gave me clarity.

 

When I do searches and bring up old threads, I see we've lost a lot of good men from all corners of the spectrum. Sorry I never knew them. I hear from a few others (OM's) privately who generally don't post anymore. It just doesn't interest them.

 

But Carhill, the amount of men in other forums- like dating, infidelity, second chances, etc, are on par with the amount of women in those forums. I agree that this particular forum is "pink"- It's a thousand times more pink than the other forums.

 

So why are men more open to sharing their emotions in other forums- but not in this one?

 

I just imagine that cheating MM are snug as a bug in their beds without a care in the world... It's the BS's and OW that seem to stress and lament over the affairs.

 

I've read your posts C, and you are one of a very few men that post in this forum and are open to telling your story.

[desertIslandCactus]

I don't think men are inclined to pour their hearts out on forums such as this .. as women will ..

 

The men are on the relationship sights or checking out porn - watching tv .. and out looking for women ..

[Circular]

I would tend to agree with Carhill. I post here from time to time, sometimes the reading helps me understand both sides of the equation and enables me to be more introspective and understanding of the whole matter. Especially during the process of moving on.

 

Thing is, though I've learned a lot, I'm trying to find a 'solution' trying to build a roadmap in my head of what I need to do to solve a problem and get the best result at the end of the day. There's a lot of threads that I just don't relate to, there's obviously a lot of slimey guys out there, and sure I made a bad decision but I'm finding I'm more the exception to the rule in the way it happened and I conducted myself.

 

Thing is, once I build that roadmap and I feel I've reconciled my path, will I still need to be here? I'll probably move on from here as well. And, I think that might be one of the main differences, I'm building a 'compartment' once it's done, I'm probably done also. There are a lot of long-timer OW and MW, etc... that stay for the community and to help others. While I'm here I help, but at some point it needs to be behind me as well... not sure if that helps, but is off the top of my head.

[D-Lish]

I don't think men are inclined to pour their hearts out on forums such as this .. as women will ..

 

The men are on the relationship sights or checking out porn - watching tv .. and out looking for women ..

 

How many links should I provide that prove otherwise?

men/boys/guys, etc- are all over dating, infidelity, second chances forums, etc... But they aren't here as MM having affairs and talking about it.

[desertIslandCactus]

How many links should I provide that prove otherwise?

men/boys/guys, etc- are all over dating, infidelity, second chances forums, etc... But they aren't here as MM having affairs and talking about it.

 

I haven't kept track of the MM in affairs who are on the other forums .. If there are many .. I guess they just don't like discussing the affair on here.

 

I'm not on too many other forums to notice, I guess.

 

Women are more communicative than men .. and apparently they don't take the affairs as lightly as men do.

[carhill]

I'd have to review past threads, but I could feel comfortable asserting that not too many MW's bring their stories here either. Personally, I can't see anyone championing cheating on their spouse, even if sharing it as a conflict of emotions. Cheating/affairs go on in all forms of relationships, but they seem most polarized in marriages, with the attendant emotions and psychology of disclosure.

 

Alternatively, I could tell you about some of my MW's who'd never in a million years admit to cheating on their spouses. Total denial. Why? It works. Same for MM. Don't admit it, even on an anonymous internet forum, and it didn't happen.

 

Discussion forums are populated by a wide range of personality types. The apologetic (or unapologetic) MM type evidently isn't prevalent, nor is his OM counterpart. Maybe internet forums just aren't their cup of tea. If I was of the mindset that I was liking f*cking my mistress, you think I'd be here? No way. Mistress time is much more fun

[Citizen Erased]

They're getting what they want, why would they? The ones in the middle of the affair clearly have no need to complain and the ones that get caught are too busy trying to convince their wives they'll change and fooling their gf's into thinking they'll finally leave now.

[Circular]

A second thought I had is that probably a lot of the MMs aren't out there seeking a relationship, they want NSA therefore when it's over, it's OVER. That way it's a clean cut. They followed their urges rather than their feelings. So, there's no emotional toil, just done.

 

Given mine was not about the PA but the EA, I got a lot more to deal with....

[D-Lish]

I'd have to review past threads, but I could feel comfortable asserting that not too many MW's bring their stories here either. Personally, I can't see anyone championing cheating on their spouse, even if sharing it as a conflict of emotions. Cheating/affairs go on in all forms of relationships, but they seem most polarized in marriages, with the attendant emotions and psychology of disclosure.

 

Alternatively, I could tell you about some of my MW's who'd never in a million years admit to cheating on their spouses. Total denial. Why? It works. Same for MM. Don't admit it, even on an anonymous internet forum, and it didn't happen.

 

Discussion forums are populated by a wide range of personality types. The apologetic (or unapologetic) MM type evidently isn't prevalent, nor is his OM counterpart. Maybe internet forums just aren't their cup of tea. If I was of the mindset that I was liking f*cking my mistress, you think I'd be here? No way. Mistress time is much more fun

 

Yep, that makes sense C, good points, good insight.

[KarmasTestDummy]

How many links should I provide that prove otherwise?

men/boys/guys, etc- are all over dating, infidelity, second chances forums, etc... But they aren't here as MM having affairs and talking about it.

 

This forum is specified for the support of those who find themselves involved with a

Committed partner. Why would a mm who is a ws come here unless he were curious to the thoughts of his ow or in other cases as we have here, to use our examples as a means of further successful manipulation and deceit. Most mm who do come here find themselves being villified or overwhelmed with questions from ow wanting him to put her r into perspective from the mm pov. To be honest I don't think it is q very supportive place for mm to frequent, so why would they do more than just pass through?

[anne1707]

I agree with Karma. When a MM does come here, he probably gets overwhelmed with others asking his opinion on their relationship rather than being able to discuss his situation.

 

I also find as a former WS that not all welcome me here on the OW/OM forum. As if the affair I had does not compare to anybody elses because ultimately I chose to reconcile with my H (which at the end of the day is what happens in a very large number of affairs). I have had comments made implying I was never really emotionally involved with the ex-OM etc and have had had false accusations made in attempts to undermine my viewpoint. All I think because I do post things that OW/OM don't want to hear about the mind of a WS.

[Silly_Girl]

D-lish, are you saying that the trend in other forums is more men than women and this is the exception?

[jennie-jennie]

It is difficult enough to post in the forum for an OW who chooses (for now) to stay in the affair. For a MM who is of yet undecided which way to go and meanwhile chooses to continue both the affair and the marriage, you can just imagine the responses he would get.

[jennie-jennie]

To be honest I don't think it is q very supportive place for mm to frequent, so why would they do more than just pass through?

 

Totally agree.

[mmk1]

I agree that generally this forum has a core group of A haters that bash rather than help. As an ex-MM, I just posted my question so maybe that will help. I do expect the usual suspects to bash my A rather than help, which does discourage posting.

[greengoddess]

I think the mm have it rough. They get blasted by the ow for not deciding and staying with 2 women and take all their emotions from their situation out on him and the bs also blast him for having an affair. It's a no win situation for them.

[jthorne]

They're getting what they want, why would they? The ones in the middle of the affair clearly have no need to complain and the ones that get caught are too busy trying to convince their wives they'll change and fooling their gf's into thinking they'll finally leave now.

Right. There is no conflict. If a MM says there is one, it's to keep the gullible OW engaged in the affair.

[Silly_Girl]

Right. There is no conflict. If a MM says there is one, it's to keep the gullible OW engaged in the affair.

 

You don't know that. In fact, you're wrong.

 

Why do you come here just to poke and prod and insult the people the forum is intended for?

[LucreziaBorgia]

There is a philanders forum out there where I've seen MM post - it is interesting to read their discussions amongst themselves: how they feel about their OW and their W, how they feel when the OW pressures them into leaving (they usually end the relationship when that happens from what I've read on that forum), the tricks and tips for not getting caught, comparing the relationships, etc. Some love their OP, others are in it just for sex. They vary, just like any other types of relationships.

 

Keep in mind that forum is generally for people who want affairs and not divorces, so it is pretty rare to see people doing much else than fence sitting. Most over there are married or otherwise involved - there are a few OW and OM who post to get a married person's POV, but not many. They generally don't like what they hear: ie - be happy with what you have, and stop trying to make it something it isn't.

 

I don't see nearly that sort of interaction here. If there were a philanderer's section here, it would be a madhouse - they'd be getting flamed from OP and BS alike!

[jthorne]

You don't know that. In fact, you're wrong.

 

Why do you come here just to poke and prod and insult the people the forum is intended for?

I don't think I'm so wrong. Why would I post something I thought was false? I've described a plain vanilla cake eater, we all know there are plenty of those, now don't we? What is it in you that finds my post insulting?

 

To get feelings of vindication? To try to pass on the hurt that the poster feels as a residual effect of whatever they experienced and to pass on that pain to someone else in a vain attempt to lessen their own pain?

I'm not sure if you're referring to me, but if so, you are incorrect. Please see my response above.

 

Welcome back, BTW.

Edited October 7, 2010 by jthorne

[jennie-jennie]

I think the mm have it rough. They get blasted by the ow for not deciding and staying with 2 women and take all their emotions from their situation out on him and the bs also blast him for having an affair. It's a no win situation for them.

 

I can't recall seeing MM be blasted by OW for "not deciding and staying with 2 women and take all their emotions from their situation out on him". Generally OW presently in affairs tend to be supportive of MM. They see their own conflicted MM in him. Since they are understanding of their own MM, it is easy to extend that understanding to the posting MM. They very often post questions to the MM posting on LS to gain even more understanding of their own MM.

[Silly_Girl]

Right. There is no conflict. If a MM says there is one, it's to keep the gullible OW engaged in the affair.

 

I don't think I'm so wrong. Why would I post something I thought was false? I've described a plain vanilla cake eater, we all know there are plenty of those, now don't we?

 

All married people, in an affair, are NOT conflicted? You say so?

 

Ergo all OW are gullible?

 

Just because that's YOUR experience, doesn't make it so for each and every person on the planet. And you know that full well.

[jthorne]

All married people, in an affair, are NOT conflicted? You say so?

 

Ergo all OW are gullible?

 

Just because that's YOUR experience, doesn't make it so for each and every person on the planet. And you know that full well.

Or perhaps you are struggling with your own cake eater?

 

Look, it's not my intention to squabble with you over petty arguments. It's my opinion. It's not yours. It doesn't bother me that we don't share the same opinion.