Where are all the conflicted MM?

[greengoddess]

I can't recall seeing MM be blasted by OW for "not deciding and staying with 2 women and take all their emotions from their situation out on him". Generally OW presently in affairs tend to be supportive of MM. They see their own conflicted MM in him. Since they are understanding of their own MM, it is easy to extend that understanding to the posting MM. They very often post questions to the MM posting on LS to gain even more understanding of their own MM.

 

Oh no it has always been the ow blasting the mm and very angry that if he loves his ow why doesn't he leave. Yep it is so.

[2sure]

Where are all the conflicted MM?

 

I dont think many of them are conflicted at all. They want both. The main conflict is how to get that, and how to keep both happy as long as possible.

[jthorne]

Oh no it has always been the ow blasting the mm and very angry that if he loves his ow why doesn't he leave. Yep it is so.

Or if he admits he doesn't love his OW he is called a troll.

[jthorne]

Where are all the conflicted MM?

 

I dont think many of them are conflicted at all. They want both. The main conflict is how to get that, and how to keep both happy as long as possible.

Thank you very much.

[greengoddess]

Or if he admits he doesn't love his OW he is called a troll.

 

Yep this is so too.

[Silly_Girl]

Hon, you really need to get over it, please. I quoted and agreed with someone else. Someone else has come along to pretty much agree with what has she and I have previously posted.

 

Why not take out your disdain on them? If you have a problem with me personally, feel free to PM me and not jack this thread, thanks.

 

That poster wasn't insulting. No need to PM, thanks though.

[Star_Bright]

I think that if an MM comes to LS he generally posts on the Infidelity section. Because if he DOES have a conflict about leaving his marriage to be with OW, or guilt/struggle about cheating on his W with OW or loving OW but not able to leave his marriage, etc. then he is looking at it from the point of view as a husband, because, let's face it, that is the primary relationship, and the OW one is secondary... if he is CONSIDERING leaving for her, he may want to make it primary, but right now it's secondary. So he would be in Infidelity I think. I have looked through that forum and I have seen some MMs there. Then some like Blog Watcher, if that's a real poster and not a troll, who post on both Infidelity and OM/OW, but he posts on OM/OW to get the OW's perspective and advice from OW, NOT because he has a conflict about having both or leaving his marriage etc.

 

I also agree that most cheaters are cakeeating and good at compartamentalizing and don't want to have to worry about conflict... they are getting what they want and if anything, like Blog Watcher, they would want advice on how to keep both. (But Blog Watcher cannot be that naive and that's why I think he's a troll -- if an MM wants both, they already know how to try to keep both, and I don't know what kind of advice they could possibly really need in that regard.)

[greengoddess]

I think this is not the case, and recent LS history points to that. There were a few threads recently by MM, two of them were run away from the OM/OW forum. If I recall, two of them were lamenting about how much they loved their OW even though they were ending the affair. And one who said he never loved his OW, and is presently saying how he actually detests his OW but just wants to keep her for the sex.

 

All three have been called trolls. The two who confessed to loving their OW were called out as imposters (trolls) by BW and rOW. The current poster is being called out as a troll by BW, rOW, OW, and even fWS.

 

I am pretty sure those are the facts about it, though I could be mistaken. It would not be the first time.

 

Why jthorne, I have no idea what you mean. But thanks hun.

 

lol such insight from a brand new poster.

[2sure]

It seems like the conflict in affairs and infidelity...is usually between the OW and the BS.

[greengoddess]

It seems like the conflict in affairs and infidelity...is usually between the OW and the BS.

 

That's because they are both in the middle being lied to while the mm is having fun!!

[desertIslandCactus]

I can assure you that while that may be the case in some affairs, it most certainly is not the case in all affairs. There are many MM who are very conflicted. In fact my own has admitted that he many times tried to quit loving me, because of how difficult it is to live in the duality of his life. He is just unable for reasons of conscience to end his marriage, and is unwilling for reasons of love to end the affair. This is a very real conflict for him, as he searches for a resolution in which all parties come out the other side with minimal damage.

 

I thought it was going to happen when his last child was out of school..

[greengoddess]

I can assure you that while that may be the case in some affairs, it most certainly is not the case in all affairs. There are many MM who are very conflicted. In fact my own has admitted that he many times tried to quit loving me, because of how difficult it is to live in the duality of his life. He is just unable for reasons of conscience to end his marriage, and is unwilling for reasons of love to end the affair. This is a very real conflict for him, as he searches for a resolution in which all parties come out the other side with minimal damage.

 

and do you honestly think this is a possibility? No mm are looking for an out that will give them minimal damage, in my opinion.

[2sure]

I dont think many of them are conflicted at all. They want both. The main conflict is how to get that, and how to keep both happy as long as possible.

[Silly_Girl]

I can assure you that while that may be the case in some affairs, it most certainly is not the case in all affairs. There are many MM who are very conflicted. In fact my own has admitted that he many times tried to quit loving me, because of how difficult it is to live in the duality of his life. He is just unable for reasons of conscience to end his marriage, and is unwilling for reasons of love to end the affair. This is a very real conflict for him, as he searches for a resolution in which all parties come out the other side with minimal damage.

 

I recognise this. I could never stay married out of duty (or however one wishes to label it) but I am finding it harder and harder to dismiss or criticise those who do. My guy has left, but some of the guilt-trips he was thrown (and I assume there will be more) left me stunned. And helped me understand why the decision was so chuffing difficult.

[Gfkr2]

The MW is also an endangered species on LS. The MW posting about her A is indeed a rarity that I noted in other posts. I know for certain there are many MW involved in very serious relationships.

 

It's too easy to think only about the MM, but the MW is also an elusive when it comes to her secret life;)

[2sure]

Ok, MM has conflict between ...what he wants to do and what he feels he can do.

 

What does that even mean in the real world?

 

What you want and what is possible?? Certainly in this case, he can have what he wants if it is you. He can have what he wants if it is not his wife.

 

The conflict is between what he wants to do and what is the right thing to do for HIM. If not changing his family's circumstance is the right thing to do for HIM...then he once again is simply left with the conflict of reconciling how to have everything. What HE wants and what is right for HIM. Both.

[donnamaybe]

Ok, MM has conflict between ...what he wants to do and what he feels he can do.

Yup. Therein lies the conflict, especially with a MM/MW who has been stringing their AP on for years on end.

[greengoddess]

No, I honestly do see him trying to make sure we all suffer minimal damage. Your opinion may be different based on what your experinces are. I am telling you that in what I am experiencing I see this attempt to minimize the damage to all as being something he is work towards.

 

 

Well then he will stay in limbo forever. How do you propose he can minimize damage to all? I don't think it is possible. Unless he chooses to either treat his wife or his ow like crap and hopes one will dump him. MM are cowards who are protecting themselves. They are selfish men who want it all without anyone getting hurt. Guess what? That is not reality. Someone will get hurt.

[2sure]

The only time it is not complete selfish motivation and cowardice for a MM to keep both his wife and his OW is if ...the OW knows he is not leaving his wife and prefers seeing a man who IS married (such as I did myself at one time) ...No conflict for MM

 

OR the Wife is not so much a BS , because she knows about the OW and for her own reasons doesnt care. No conflict for MM

 

Happens fairly often, but havent seen any on this board.

[lilbunny]

The only threads I have seen lately started by a mm ended up with the guy being accused of being fake and another that was widely regarded as a troll and was battered from all sides.

 

It is a lose-lose situation. If they don't care about the OW then there are harsh words coming their way, if they do say they love the OW then the other camp will decide they aren't really a MM but an OW posting and pretending to prove a point.

 

There are so few mm who post here there is no obvious source of support or advice from people in the same situation. Why would anyone come here just to be bashed from one group or another? Of course this isn't everyone, but you know it would happen and in enough numbers to drive them away quickly.

[Lizzie60]

I would say that there are MM among LSers.. .but they just won't talk about it... simple as that..

 

We can't force anyone to talk about something they want to keep for themselves... women are more opened about As in general.

 

Voilà!

[Silly_Girl]

You are correct in saying that there is no way that everyone will get out unscathed, however there are ways of minimizing the damage done. There are ways of ending a marriage in which the parties will not end up hating each other, and will go on to have an amicable divorce. That is reality. To not try to find those ways would make him less than the man he is.

 

I do think in most situations (possibly not yours, however) there is no chance of an amicable divorce where the wife has no clue of what has been going on for such a long period. It's a shoddy way to treat someone and dealing with that and trying to grieve the relationship itself. God, that's going to be so hard. In that situation I'd want to knife him, not smile across the table at separation mediation.

[Star_Bright]

I believe my MM is conflicted. Yes realistically part of him want both of us because that is easiest. But he knows that is not a real relationship and that we could be so much more. He also knows that I won't stand for it and he needs to take action one way or the other. And that it's not fair to his wife. He worries about how his kids are handling it. I think he realizes all of these things and has conflict but he is not the type to come on message boards and get everyone's opinion (like I am, ha ha). He goes to IC.

 

And I think Blog Watcher is a troll not because he says he doesn't love his OW but because he acts so naive. No one, especially not a "man of wealth and influence" like he claims to be, is that naive. If he wants a girl to sleep with him, he knows what he should try to say and do. So I think it is someone posing as an MM to stir the pot and say "see, this is what MM do." I know many MM only want sex and I know that all MM, mine included, say what they want us to hear in order to keep the A going. This does not mean that some MM do not feel genuine love for their OW and are not conflicted about whether to stay married or leave wife for OW. MMs DO leave their wives for OW; sure not many and certainly not most of the MMs that we OWs discuss on this board, because they are our MMs and we want them to leave and they haven't or they haven't taken enough action or whatever... but, come on, we know MMs leave BS for OW *every single day*. Go to that marriage infidelity site and see how many BSs are sad that their WSs did just that... left them for OW. (NOT saying MM and OW will live happily ever after, just pointing out that it happens and that obviously at some point MM had conflict about whether to stay married or go to OW. No one just snaps their fingers and makes this decision... it involves conflict, inherently).

[greengoddess]

You are correct in saying that there is no way that everyone will get out unscathed, however there are ways of minimizing the damage done. There are ways of ending a marriage in which the parties will not end up hating each other, and will go on to have an amicable divorce. That is reality. To not try to find those ways would make him less than the man he is.

 

So how long does it take to find those ways? Having an affair is certainly not a way to minimize damage of a divorce.

[desertIslandCactus]

You are correct in saying that there is no way that everyone will get out unscathed, however there are ways of minimizing the damage done. There are ways of ending a marriage in which the parties will not end up hating each other, and will go on to have an amicable divorce. That is reality. To not try to find those ways would make him less than the man he is.

 

No it is not reality. It is just what you want.