Where are all the conflicted MM?

[Star_Bright]

You are correct in saying that there is no way that everyone will get out unscathed, however there are ways of minimizing the damage done. There are ways of ending a marriage in which the parties will not end up hating each other, and will go on to have an amicable divorce. That is reality. To not try to find those ways would make him less than the man he is.

 

You sound like my MM lol. He says he is trying to do things amicably for the children, and wife, which takes longer than just saying "I'm leaving for another woman." I see how ideally that would be best but his wife already knows about us and still has hope and so I feel it is cruel to keep that hope alive if he really does want to be with me. Which makes me see that he is not as sure as he says he is. This is just how I see it.

[2sure]

You are correct in saying that there is no way that everyone will get out unscathed, however there are ways of minimizing the damage done. There are ways of ending a marriage in which the parties will not end up hating each other, and will go on to have an amicable divorce. That is reality. To not try to find those ways would make him less than the man he is.

 

Nope. To not have the courage to reveal reality, to not have the integrity to man up and take the heat, to not put one relationship aside temporarily to deal with the other full on, to not do what he says he will do, to betray and then to continue to do so with excuses and justifications that make him comfortable...those are the things that make him less of a man.

[donnamaybe]

[/b]

 

Nope. To not have the courage to reveal reality, to not have the integrity to man up and take the heat, to not put one relationship aside temporarily to deal with the other full on, to not do what he says he will do, to betray and then to continue to do so with excuses and justifications that make him comfortable...those are the things that make him less of a man.

Nailed it 2sure. Right on the money. Hence the term "man up."

[2sure]

withabrokenwing...

 

I have no investment in contradicting your opinions - that is not my intent.

 

I just see things in hindsight that sometimes I want to point out to women looking forward.

 

I think you might be mistaking one thing for another , but what the hell do I know...I am just saying, from my heart and with sincerity...BE CAREFUL.

[MorningCoffee]

The only threads I have seen lately started by a mm ended up with the guy being accused of being fake and another that was widely regarded as a troll and was battered from all sides.

 

It is a lose-lose situation. If they don't care about the OW then there are harsh words coming their way, if they do say they love the OW then the other camp will decide they aren't really a MM but an OW posting and pretending to prove a point.

 

There are so few mm who post here there is no obvious source of support or advice from people in the same situation. Why would anyone come here just to be bashed from one group or another? Of course this isn't everyone, but you know it would happen and in enough numbers to drive them away quickly.

 

I agree. For example, a few weeks ago there were pages and pages of posts back and forth with a MM who started a thread to discuss his decision to end his affair and stay put but not disclose to his wife that he had been in an affair. He shared a lot and caught an enormous amount of grief.

 

No wonder there aren't a lot of MM (or MW for that matter) who say, hey, I think I'll hop into some big time abuse.

[donnamaybe]

I don't agree with your assesment of a man that I know intimately, and you do not know at all. *shrug* I understand his conflicts, and I am willing to work through them with him.

 

As to him "manning up". He has done that his whole life. In every way. In fact, despite your protestations to the contrary, I happen to know that he has done more in his life to epitomize what a man should be than any other man I have personal or second hand knowledge of.

You are certainly entitled to your opinion, as am I.

 

As for how well you know your MM (though we weren't specifically talking about him, per se), have you ever heard the term "can't see the forest for the trees?" There could be some truth in that for anyone deeply involved in an A.

 

Good luck with everything, though. I would hate to see anyone waste too much time hoping for something that doesn't pan out. That would be sad.

[Circular]

This thread has turned into an excellent example of why probably a lot of MM don't post here. The thread always turns into a load of conjecture, assumptions, and false logic. It turns into a tit-for-tat of people who are flagrantly using the board as a cathartic outlet to deal with their emotional upheaval.

 

The truth is women don't know what men deal with anymore then men know what women deal with. We are fundamentally wired differently. Our sense of responsibilities are different, our sense of what sex means is usually different, and how we deal with emotions and reasoning is typically different. We also are less inclined to get into a 30 page pissing match because some bloke feels like 'he just wants to be heard' because he somehow has the ability to know what a woman really thinks.

 

There's this all-guy board I frequent occasionally and the contrast in discussions is so night/day that it seriously gets me laughing sometimes. Myself, I came here originally to understand better what my xAP might be going through as I worry about her and care that she's doing well.

[Circular]

I agree. For example, a few weeks ago there were pages and pages of posts back and forth with a MM who started a thread to discuss his decision to end his affair and stay put but not disclose to his wife that he had been in an affair. He shared a lot and caught an enormous amount of grief.

 

No wonder there aren't a lot of MM (or MW for that matter) who say, hey, I think I'll hop into some big time abuse.

 

Oh yea, I saw that. I've also been beaten for not telling my wife. Thing is it's like that scene out of 'A Few Good Men' (how ironic the title) where Jack talks about "You cant handle the truth", I think only men can truly relate to what he was saying.

[2sure]

Yeah, I can see that too. The whole man-up, be a man, be braver than you are being, suck it up. But you know, its all true. All of us, male and female have to own our errors and make things right.

 

I think that with women , our emotional support system is stronger so we are not as afraid to ...fall. Men have more expectations of them stereotypically.

 

Must be hard. But the difficulty doesnt change the decision if you want to live with integrity.

[UntoldStory]

LOL! OK, first of all, I want access to the super-secret all-guy board...

 

Oh yea, I saw that. I've also been beaten for not telling my wife. Thing is it's like that scene out of 'A Few Good Men' (how ironic the title) where Jack talks about "You cant handle the truth", I think only men can truly relate to what he was saying.

 

And second, I would love to hear more about this bolded part. Are you saying that men feel like Jack when he says that to Tom (Tom being the W in this case)? And, what is it that Jack is afraid Tom would do if he heard the truth?

 

Not trying to be snarky here, I really am curious.

[sumdude]

Yeah, I can see that too. The whole man-up, be a man, be braver than you are being, suck it up. But you know, its all true. All of us, male and female have to own our errors and make things right.

 

I think that with women , our emotional support system is stronger so we are not as afraid to ...fall. Men have more expectations of them stereotypically.

 

Must be hard. But the difficulty doesnt change the decision if you want to live with integrity.

 

You mean like... not cheating on your spouse..??

 

Exit.. stage left even!

[fooled once]

Here we go again.....

Edited October 7, 2010 by fooled once

[desertIslandCactus]

If people post a dramatic farewell post and and then change their mind.

 

 

[fooled once]

If people post a dramatic farewell post and and then change their mind, that's fine of course because people are allowed to change their minds. Why not be honest about it though? It's not exactly "necessary" to be dishonest about it.

 

 

(ten characters)

[WTFBBQ]

I don't know WHERE the conflicted MM are! Gilligan's Island?

If people post a dramatic farewell post and and then change their mind, that's fine of course because people are allowed to change their minds. Why not be honest about it though? It's not exactly "necessary" to be dishonest about it.

"Submissions containing threats to leave the community or other forms of "emotional extortion" intended to incite a reaction from fellow participants are viewed as inconsiderate and disrespectful to the community as a whole and will result in immediate loss of access to the site."

<snip>

"Participants which have had their access to the site revoked are expected to cease use of the site until access is restored. Persons who attempt to circumvent revocation shall be permanently banned from the site."

[pureinheart]

It is difficult enough to post in the forum for an OW who chooses (for now) to stay in the affair. For a MM who is of yet undecided which way to go and meanwhile chooses to continue both the affair and the marriage, you can just imagine the responses he would get.

 

I see tar and feathers for some reason.

[pdx]

No mm are looking for an out that will give them minimal damage, in my opinion.

 

None that post regularly. I'd love an option like this.

[donnamaybe]

Whattaya gonna do? *shrug*

[Holding-On]

so why would MM/MW post here???

 

I understand about OM being scarce though. There have been OM who have posted though they are rare. I think StampDaddy was one (??) and a few that found out in surprise that the MW was actually married were OM posting in infidelity.

 

Generally once a man sees that he is not going to get what he wants it seems he is more likely to cut his losses than women are.

 

Alternately he may be more accepting of being a piece on the side while he looks for his primary (or doesn't want a primary and is happy with the status quo).

[D-Lish]

I really only started this post because I've noticed that the MM having affairs are few and far between on LS. There aren't too many OM either...

 

I just can't help but notice that it's often women that are suffering and lamenting here on LS. Whether it's BS's or OW- it's women in general talking about their suffering.

 

There are obviously many MM involved in affairs, and it seems that LS would be a great avenue to work through it, because it's anonymous.

Guys post all over LS about all their dating dilemmas, they post as everything else BUT the MM involved in an affair.

 

I can't help but think that these guys are either sleeping very well at night, they are a little too busy, or they aren't conflicted enough to seek counsel.

 

Me personally? I am all about girl-power. I don't enjoy the suffering of BS's or OW.

 

But come on, the absence of MM engaged in affairs on this site has me wondering...

 

On any given night, it's often women either supporting one another or fighting with one another... Where are the dudes causing this havoc? Sleeping soundly is my guess.

[desertIslandCactus]

I really only started this post because I've noticed that the MM having affairs are few and far between on LS. There aren't too many OM either...

 

I just can't help but notice that it's often women that are suffering and lamenting here on LS. Whether it's BS's or OW- it's women in general talking about their suffering.

 

There are obviously many MM involved in affairs, and it seems that LS would be a great avenue to work through it, because it's anonymous.

Guys post all over LS about all their dating dilemmas, they post as everything else BUT the MM involved in an affair.

 

I can't help but think that these guys are either sleeping very well at night, they are a little too busy, or they aren't conflicted enough to seek counsel.

 

Me personally? I am all about girl-power. I don't enjoy the suffering of BS's or OW.

 

But come on, the absence of MM engaged in affairs on this site has me wondering...

 

On any given night, it's often women either supporting one another or fighting with one another... Where are the dudes causing this havoc? Sleeping soundly is my guess.

 

Once again, there's a difference between men and women - and the way they handle things, as other posters have pointed out as well.

 

Also, I don't know that the men you have noted on other forums, are actually MM in affairs.

[turnstone]

Edit: WTH? Where did Watertown's post go?

 

Gosh, Watertown, that sums it up so well for me.

 

My first thought in reading the OP was why would a MM want to post anywhere that wouldn't help him achieve his objective, and I think that's true of any issue a man may have. As you say, men don't have the same need for validation and encouragement that women do, or at least men that would contemplate an affair.

 

It also seems to me that many OW's need for external emotional support is far greater than a woman who would have no part in an affair and this would largely be the reason why MM can exploit them for years at a time and why OW far outnumber the OM on LS.

 

Men and women may be equal, but they have very different needs and this is not only the reason why a man is less likely to post here, but the failure by some women to recognise that, is probably a reason why MM get away with continuing their affairs for years at a time.

[D-Lish]

Once again, there's a difference between men and women - and the way they handle things, as other posters have pointed out as well.

 

Also, I don't know that the men you have noted on other forums, are actually MM in affairs.

 

Well that's exactly my point- they aren't MM in affairs, but they are men, and they are talking up a storm about every other issue and apparantly not afraid to do so. It stands to reason that if they can talk about dating, they are capable of talking about cheating on their wives...but they don't.

 

For every OW on here, there is a MM and a BS... But we only hear from the women as a general rule. I find that interesting.

 

LS has many male posters- they just aren't in this forum admitting to affairs or lamenting about being conflicted.

 

Men are different from women, but every other topic is permeated by men talking about dating and relationship dilemmas. Why are cheating MM silent in this forum?

[Summer Breeze]

Or if he admits he doesn't love his OW he is called a troll.

 

Much the same as when one does admit his feelings for OW he is called a troll by the BS.

[jennie-jennie]

I told my MM of this thread. His answer was "We don't want to be eaten alive."