Where are all the conflicted MM?

[LucreziaBorgia]

My mother had affairs. I cannot begin to imagine a child wishing an outsider come between their Parents - no matter what words (narcissistic, split self) would be used to justify..

 

Third person in a marriage is not doing Anyone any favors.

 

I'm with you there. My many sets of parents were all a bunch of raging philanderers and even though things may have been rough in the home and between me and my several parents, I still felt a loyalty to my parents that would not have allowed the acceptance of any outside parties. The devil I knew was better than the devil I didn't.

 

I remember my grandfather keeping a picture of his wartime OW in the family album, and how my grandmother was bound to be hurt by that but unable to speak up (that generation just didn't). I was particularly close to my grandmother (she raised me until my father was old enough/settled enough to take in me and my brother) and the idea of that OW was sickening to me, even though I was not close to my grandfather at all.

[Silly_Girl]

My mother had affairs. I cannot begin to imagine a child wishing an outsider come between their Parents - no matter what words (narcissistic, split self) would be used to justify..

 

Third person in a marriage is not doing Anyone any favors.

 

I spent a long time wishing my mum would meet someone and leave my dad. Not an abusive marriage, but not a well-matched one either. Things are better now, but I still think they each would have been happier in their lives had they separated and met new partners. I feel really sad about that actually.

[jthorne]

Well, I will say that there is some power in love, but not to the extent that is portrayed here. My H's love has inprired me to be a better person. But if I don't take ACTION, then what? A person can love another with all their might, but if a person is unwilling to change then they don't.

 

In relation to the so-called "conflicted" MM, judging by the number of MM that stay with their wives, it could be said that the "power" of the OW's love affected the change required for reconciliation with the BS.

[jennie-jennie]

My mother had affairs. I cannot begin to imagine a child wishing an outsider come between their Parents - no matter what words (narcissistic, split self) would be used to justify..

 

Third person in a marriage is not doing Anyone any favors.

 

You were obviously lucky enough not to grow up in the hell of a home it is to grow up with a narcissistic parent.

 

I wanted out of that hell hole as soon as possible. I can not fathom the life of my father living there his entire adult life.

[jennie-jennie]

A SELFISH so-called "love" that would seek to lure .. to Destroy.

 

Or a liberating love which would help along the much needed changes of life.

 

Who says love is supposed to last a lifetime? It might, it might not.

[jennie-jennie]

Well, I will say that there is some power in love, but not to the extent that is portrayed here. My H's love has inprired me to be a better person. But if I don't take ACTION, then what? A person can love another with all their might, but if a person is unwilling to change then they don't.

 

In relation to the so-called "conflicted" MM, judging by the number of MM that stay with their wives, it could be said that the "power" of the OW's love affected the change required for reconciliation with the BS.

 

For some MM the cost of leaving the marriage would be too high. They would not be able to enjoy their new relationship knowing the damage they left behind. Their lives would be hollow. Thus they get stuck in limbo. Or decide to reconcile.

[xxoo]

But an OW could have given my father the inspiration to do something about his life and leave his abusive marriage. I believe this is what happened in OWoman's MM's case.

 

Falling in love can be the beginning of a revolution. You should not underestimate the power of love. It is not for nothing the couple in love is called the smallest collective movement capable of radically transforming our lives.

 

Who calls it that? Ok, I googled and got hits for Alberoni, but does that make it true?

 

How can a new love be a more powerful reason to leave and abusive marriage than to provide a home free from abuse for your children?

 

Responsibility for my children's needs has always been a more powerful motivator for me than caring for my own needs. I am continually challenged to face my own fears and anxieties in order to advocate for, and provide for, my children. Why are these parents able to take risks for their own needs, but not for their children? It seems very backward to me.

[jennie-jennie]

Who calls it that? Ok, I googled and got hits for Alberoni, but does that make it true?

 

Did I say it was true? I said "It is not for nothing..."

 

How can a new love be a more powerful reason to leave and abusive marriage than to provide a home free from abuse for your children?

 

Responsibility for my children's needs has always been a more powerful motivator for me than caring for my own needs. I am continually challenged to face my own fears and anxieties in order to advocate for, and provide for, my children. Why are these parents able to take risks for their own needs, but not for their children? It seems very backward to me.

 

I think in many cases it is co-dependent spouses who are unable to break free.

 

The truth is that rock-bottom varies from person to person. For my exSO it was sufficient to become a father for him to seek sobriety in AA. For my good friend, who loves her children and cares for them at the best of her ability, it was not enough to become a parent. She has been abusing alcohol heavily for the two decades I have known her. Social authorities have been involved, but they still consider the best place for the children is with their mom.

 

Who knows why some can break their addiction for their children, while others can not? I can tell you my friend has cared much more for her children than my exSO has. And yet he was the one able to stop abusing alcohol for the children's sake.

 

My brother is bitter that my father sacrificed us children for the sake of keeping my mother as content as possible. To me my father's love was what made me survive my childhood. My sister was my mom's favorite child, and survived through that.

 

Never am I going to blame my father for not being able to divorce my mother. But I do feel sorry for him, that he never has experienced a healthy love relationship.

Edited October 16, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[BlackLovely]

I would say that both MM and OW are in some ways broken. They find each other, recognize the brokenness, and try to fix each other. Sometimes the two broken people find that in coming together they can heal what is broken in themselves and each other, sometimes their mutual brokenness only leads to more brokenness.

 

This is so true. My husband and I are both broken in different ways. We have learned to help heal ourselves and each other, but it took a serious evaluation of the best ways to do so.

[BlackLovely]

Did I say it was true? I said "It is not for nothing..."

 

 

 

I think in many cases it is co-dependent spouses who are unable to break free.

 

The truth is that rock-bottom varies from person to person. For my exSO it was sufficient to become a father for him to seek sobriety in AA. For my good friend, who loves her children and cares for them at the best of her ability, it was not enough to become a parent. She has been abusing alcohol heavily for the two decades I have known her. Social authorities have been involved, but they still consider the best place for the children is with their mom.

 

Who knows why some can break their addiction for their children, while others can not? I can tell you my friend has cared much more for her children than my exSO has. And yet he was the one able to stop abusing alcohol for the children's sake.

 

My brother is bitter that my father sacrificed us children for the sake of keeping my mother as content as possible. To me my father's love was what made me survive my childhood. My sister was my mom's favorite child, and survived through that.

 

Never am I going to blame my father for not being able to divorce my mother. But I do feel sorry for him, that he never has experienced a healthy love relationship.

 

*Hugs* Aww, Jennie. The damage some parents do lasts a lifetime.

 

I don't want to threadjack, but I had to respond to my favorite OW.

 

I have forgiven my father for allowing my mom to abuse me and separate his family from us. I was angry with him for a long time, but my compassion has made me feel sorry for him and his crippling passivity. I survived because of his affection and love. A strong male figure would have been nice, but I meet my father at the level he is at. His level is called "peace at any price."

 

If only my husband felt the same way. He believes that my father never loved me.

 

Do you think that your childhood contributed to your choice to be an OW?

[jennie-jennie]

[/b]

 

*Hugs* Aww, Jennie. The damage some parents do lasts a lifetime.

 

I don't want to threadjack, but I had to respond to my favorite OW.

 

I have forgiven my father for allowing my mom to abuse me and separate his family from us. I was angry with him for a long time, but my compassion has made me feel sorry for him and his crippling passivity. I survived because of his affection and love. A strong male figure would have been nice, but I meet my father at the level he is at. His level is called "peace at any price."

 

If only my husband felt the same way. He believes that my father never loved me.

Do you think that your childhood contributed to your choice to be an OW?

 

Thanks for the kind words.

 

And as to your question, I do. You can read about it in this old thread called "Spin-off: Father/daughter relationship of OW in long term EMA":

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t220632/

[BlackLovely]

Thanks for the kind words.

 

And as to your question, I do. You can read about it in this old thread called "Spin-off: Father/daughter relationship of OW in long term EMA":

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t220632/

 

 

Don't need to read the thread. I already know the damage NPD can do to a family-I was born into such a clan. Only adult children who grew up in a dysfunctional home, can understand the twisted loyalties, the enmeshment and the manipulation.

 

Unlike others on this board who had happy and normal families, I understand you wanting your father to be "saved", more than you'll ever know, dear heart. You and I are painfully aware that some men are too weak to save themselves, even though they should. For God's sake, I was telling my dad "Don't worry Daddy! I love you!" when my mother would rip his head off for simple things.

 

I would encourage you to seek IC. Not because I think you are not well, but because your childhood is affecting your adult life in unhealthy ways. Since you admit that your childhood led you to be an OW, deep down, I believe you are well aware that being an OW is usually self destructive.

[jennie-jennie]

Don't need to read the thread. I already know the damage NPD can do to a family-I was born into such a clan. Only adult children who grew up in a dysfunctional home, can understand the twisted loyalties, the enmeshment and the manipulation.

 

Unlike others on this board who had happy and normal families, I understand you wanting your father to be "saved", more than you'll ever know, dear heart. You and I are painfully aware that some men are too weak to save themselves, even though they should. For God's sake, I was telling my dad "Don't worry Daddy! I love you!" when my mother would rip his head off for simple things.

 

I would encourage you to seek IC. Not because I think you are not well, but because your childhood is affecting your adult life in unhealthy ways. Since you admit that your childhood led you to be an OW, deep down, I believe you are well aware that being an OW is usually self destructive.

 

I do not feel being an OW is self destructive for me. I can see though that I chose a man from a dysfunctional family of origin just like I myself am from such a family. Unfortunately his dysfunctionality makes him unable to choose between the two relationships he is in. I choose to stay with him despite his issues.

 

What I think might have predestined me to be an OW is that I already as a child saw that the bond a man has to you can be stronger than the bond he has to the woman he is married to. A triangular relationship was something familiar to me, a place where I felt no competition, since I knew my bond to the man was stronger than that to his wife.

 

As for the NPD, I can see you have childhood experiences similar to mine.

Edited October 16, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[donnamaybe]

I agree. Except for the fact that tough love sometimes means that the OW and the MM end up together.

 

Imagine that...

 

GEL

You're right. But you provided that "tough love" to your man. That's because you're a strong woman. Some are not so strong. Some need the help of outsiders to give them that strength to force the choice. At least, in making a choice, the AP knows where they stand and can, then, make THEIR choice.

[WTFBBQ]

UPDATE:

I looked very very very very hard this weekend for a conflicted MM.

 

I still didn't find one.

 

I am losing hope.

[greengoddess]

UPDATE:

I looked very very very very hard this weekend for a conflicted MM.

 

I still didn't find one.

 

I am losing hope.

 

You are not going about it the right way. Make a move at one and they willl tell you how conflicted their marriage is.

[AmIWrong]

I suggest a MM/MW forum here on LS with the same rules that apply to the OM/OW forum. It would certainly be interesting to see how many, if any, threads get started there. My guess is probably not many...most likely why there isn't already one.