cavies Posted February 28, 2004 Share Posted February 28, 2004 Hi, I'm sure this sounds stupid but I dated a much older man for a yr before finding out he had a wife..he lives a distance from me so times at his house were not often and I guess when she was at work. When I did find out he explained she had not been with him sexually for over 12 yrs, for no reason and he could not leave right now because his kids (who are grown and gone) would hate him. I thought about it but didn't have the heart to end it and when I did once try he told me he loved me, and that melted me..we spent alot of time together as he was retired and I self employed, so I got to really know him and love him. One of my friends called me one day and asked me to come to his house he wanted to talk to me, he is an ex cop (internal det) as was my lover an ex cop. He told me that my lover did not retire but was forced to resign because he was into many illegal activities after being tracked for two yrs, he had 15-20 dif women on the go then!! When I asked him about it he denied till I mentioned the name of the det that executed the search warrent and he flipped, threatening me that I wasn't supportive enough and he left..I have not seen him since. On top of it all his wife found out about me as it is a small town, and thinks it's all my fault, even after knowing he has had soooo many affairs prior! She found out before we broke up and he still kept coming to see me. How do I deal with this. let go of him..I know the rules the odds and it happened, I feel like I should have kept my mouth shut and he would still be in my life..how could I be so stupid, everyone told me i deserved better, but I love him so much. thxs Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted February 28, 2004 Share Posted February 28, 2004 Now here is a question for you. What is there to love? The man is a liar and a cheater - how does this not kill off any feelings of 'love' you have? How can you possibly love somebody who does this sort of thing to you and others? Really, I'm fascinated to know. Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled11 Posted February 28, 2004 Share Posted February 28, 2004 You feel you should have just kept your mouth shut and that you'd still have him in your life? Have WHAT in your life, a lying, cheating criminal? That's the kind of man you'd want in your life? What on earth for? You should be thanking your lucky stars that you have a friend (your ex cop friend) who gave you the much needed info......who knows what this creep was into in terms of illegal activities? Does that say much about your lover's character and integrity? Do you really have such little self esteem that you could miss a jerk who lied to you for so long about having a wife, about the circumstances surrounding his "retirement"? No offense, but you really should seek some kind of therapy or counselling, to get at the root of why you would miss someone who is DECEIT PERSONIFIED. Link to post Share on other sites
gaia Posted February 28, 2004 Share Posted February 28, 2004 I agree that you are better off without this guy in your life and I guess the rational part of you knows that too. Problem is that it's not so easy to switch off feelings you've had for a long time. Going back to him, even if he crawls back on his hands and knees, is a bad idea. He will never be any good for you and all you'll get is misery. Basically, you are going to feel awful until you get over him, but get over him you will in time. Better short-term pain now than a lifetime's love wasted. First you need to make the decision that it's over. Then you need to muster all your resources to cope with that. Spend time with the people who really care for you, talk it out of your system, cry, scream, throw darts at his photo, whatever. You are worth so much more than this creep. Be strong, girl! Link to post Share on other sites
Skittles Posted February 28, 2004 Share Posted February 28, 2004 how do I let go, after finding out about his wife .............with both hands............ Link to post Share on other sites
dkopp Posted February 29, 2004 Share Posted February 29, 2004 You need to run, not walk out of this guy's life. If he's into illegal activities, it would only be a matter of time before he involved you at some point. You don't need that. There is a book called "Letting Go" by Tracy Cabot - its been around since the late 80's but it has some really great stuff in how to heal a broken heart in 12 weeks. Girl, you're going to be hurting for awhile - there's no magic cure for that but time. Stay strong and post again if you need to. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted February 29, 2004 Share Posted February 29, 2004 Since the honesty he bestowed upon you was so 'lacking'.....chances are you are still in love with who you THOUGHT he was....not who he really is. Until you come to terms with that.....you will continue to love a fantasy which he helped you create.....but was not worthy of fulfilling. In time, you'll realize you've lost nothing. For now though.....you just go thru the motions, find new things to do with yourself and give yourself time to heal. I know you are hurting, but this man obviously has no respect for his job or his wife....and certainly not you. He IS NOT the man of your dreams. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cavies Posted March 1, 2004 Author Share Posted March 1, 2004 Thank God I found this site and you people, everyone has been so supportive and helpful, it's hard to believe strangers care....Thank You All So very much. It is very hard, and I feel so bad after reading other posts elsewhere about women on the other side of the coin....I feel like I am one of these home wreckers that have detroyed their lives.. the same day i found out about his wife, was the same day I found out I was pregnant by him also...yeh, he was upset till he found out I lost the baby then acted all caring and supportive, even cried about me having to go through the D&C after on my own because he had to work...but ran home 6 times that day to call and see if I was home. There was no reason he could not have been there for me and I did resent that for so long.....I just miss being with him, his company, we did alot together other than sex, and I have never been with someone I got along with as well as he... I'm sure I will survive, I always do. Thxs Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 Gosh....what a bad thing to have to go thru!!! I can only imagine all the emotional trauma. Hopefully, he took care of the finances! Link to post Share on other sites
Author cavies Posted March 1, 2004 Author Share Posted March 1, 2004 Finances?? NOT A CENT....and I lost alot of uncovered work time because of it. But he felt bad...I guess he is a loser.... Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 Get your medical bills and lost time records together. Get yourself a lawyer or utilize legal aid and get yourself reimbursed. No wonder he was 'being so nice to you' while you went thru your ordeal. What an A$$! Link to post Share on other sites
Author cavies Posted March 1, 2004 Author Share Posted March 1, 2004 It's embarassing enough being the homewrecking golddigging whore, let alone going alfter him for med expensises, besides, he told me if I ever brought it up be would f**k with my livelyhood, and I have two young kids to worry about..no telling what he'll do, he has pulled some very damaging things already. Link to post Share on other sites
FreeMe Posted March 2, 2004 Share Posted March 2, 2004 Originally posted by cavies ...besides, he told me if I ever brought it up be would f**k with my livelyhood, and I have two young kids to worry about..no telling what he'll do, he has pulled some very damaging things already. After posting that, are you still trying to figure out how to let go? I sure hope not!! He sounds like a real scumbag. Link to post Share on other sites
gaia Posted March 2, 2004 Share Posted March 2, 2004 "He sounds like a real scumbag" He certainly does. He gets worse with everything you tell us, cavies! Please please stay away from him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cavies Posted March 2, 2004 Author Share Posted March 2, 2004 I saw him today...he pulled up beside me at a local mall, sat there and cried in his truck..I wanted soooooooo badly to RUN over and put my arms around him, but I just looked away. so he drove off. It felt like the past month or so since he has been gone was like the day it ended, the hearbreak all over again. I almost went to his house, it sparked that much emotion in me but I held back. It just felt like we had something so special, such a connection, and I know he and her are considering separation, have been for 20 yrs, I know he is hurting too, and misses me and the kids. outa sight outa mind, but if he were to come back here I don't know if I am strong enough to say no. I though I was doing so well, now I just want to run to him.... anyone have a vacant rock I can crawl under and die?? Link to post Share on other sites
gaia Posted March 2, 2004 Share Posted March 2, 2004 Don't do it, don't do it, don't do it!!!! Read all this thread again. The tears are just another tool in his manipulative arsenal. Well done for resisting him at the mall. Chain yourself to your sofa if you have to, but you will so regret it if you go back to him. As for thinking about leaving his wife - I think the fact that he has thought about it without taking any action for 20 years speaks volumes. I know it's hard. You have all my sympathy, for what it's worth. Please stay strong. Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled11 Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 Originally posted by cavies he told me if I ever brought it up be would f**k with my livelyhood, and I have two young kids to worry about..no telling what he'll do, he has pulled some very damaging things already. He's a manipulator. He's a pathological liar. He's not been straight with you about anything. He is married. He gets you pregnant but won't help with your medical/lost time expenses because of the miscarriage. He has a history of being fired from the force for "illegal activities." He THREATENS to screw with your livelihood should you ever tell someone he got your pregnant. And you miss this loser? You seriously need to get yourself into some counselling.......because nobody in their right mind would miss an evil creature like this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cavies Posted March 3, 2004 Author Share Posted March 3, 2004 I know It sounds crazy to love him, but I'm so up and down with my emotions I can't deal them anymore..and all the advice and support you people give is very good and I would probably say the same, but it's me who put my boys through this, and me who has to suffer for it.... I feel as though I am wasting your time, he has me where he wants me, it's a lost cause Link to post Share on other sites
Skittles Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 cavies your addiction to this relationship is as potent as an addiction to a street or rx drug of choice... I hope you have friends who can pull you away...seriously! You need an intervention. You have to stop seeing him. Period. WIthdrawal...yes, it will hurt like nothing you have ever felt before because this is messing with you like nothing has ever before. Link to post Share on other sites
gaia Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 cavies. I don't remember seeing a thread on LS where the opinions were so unanimous as this one. You think he has you where he wants you - NO he doesn't. You are strong enough to do this. Like Skittles said, it's going to hurt. I don't know if you can think long term at the moment, but the longer you stay in contact the more hurt will come. You need to take one day at a time - like an alcoholic - just think to yourself "I will not speak to him today". This man will bring you nothing but pain. If you cut off contact you will get over him in time. It always happens. Please say you'll try Link to post Share on other sites
morrigan Posted March 5, 2004 Share Posted March 5, 2004 You loved the single guy you dated on weekends, not the lying full time husband who tries to manipulate you by sobbing in parking lots as a emotional ploy. Unfortunately, he's the same person. I know you're upset with yourself and with him, but anytime you think about getting back with this guy, see this situation from his wife's perspective. She might have thought they were happily married these past 20 years, she might have thought they had a good sexual relationship. Don't believe all the tales he tells, end the relationship now. If he really wanted this relationship, he would get a divorce and accept accountability for his actions. You didn't know he was married, try to work over the feelings of guilt. You should only hate yourself if you continue this relationship with the full knowledge your actions will devastate this man's wife. Link to post Share on other sites
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