Wife of 34 years now says she doesn't love me

[TBIRD60]

Yesterday, I woke up hearing my wife say she doesn't love me after 34 years. She is kind, and nice, I am the same. We usually email and phone each other everyday about 4-5 times a day. Our kids are grownup and just left the house (sort of) My daughters a senior in college and my son, which does put much stress on us, is a heroin addict and is in prision. (He is a very peaceful and intellignet person and it breaks our heart. He is 24 years old.)

 

Anyway, my wife said, she felt this way for 7 years. No way, I have emails etc, with her telling me she loves me. Also asking me to go on mini vacations etc. The last vacation we had a ball. We sleep together but haven't had sex in awhile. (My problem) I was going to get this fixed but she told me it's no big deal.

 

When we go to weddings we dance a lot and I hold her close. I kiss her everyday. I am home everyday, but have my friends and a hobby. - I will admit that the last 3 months she hasn't been as close as I like, but I just recently lost my Mom and I have been in a funk a bit since then, so I chalked it up to my behavior. 2 years ago, out of the blue she decided to be a airline hostess. We did have our problems and her being away seem to make the time together joyous for both. It was mostly my problem with her at that point. Yes, after 34 years, and a herion addicted son, sometimes things don't fly smoothly.

 

But I love her and I am afraid she will leave. She is so ingrained in my heart and soul.

 

Bottom line, I don't want to lose her but unsure how to get her back. She says she has no real desire to kiss me etc. I am 60's years old I am feeling my life shattering in front of me. Yes, I am scare. I love her.

 

I been jogging to keep the stree somewhat a bay.

 

John

[JamesM]

I am sorry for the pain you are feeling. I have been married twenty years and would be devastated if my wife told me she didn't love me.

 

My guess is that your wife has been more affected by your "funk" than you care to admit...or than she has admitted. Since she may have more of an interest in sex than she has also admitted, then it is possible that she has found someone.

 

And since she has now found someone...and probably is having an affair, she now justifies it by saying that she has been out of love with your for awhile. If she admitted that her lack of love corresponded with meeting someone, then she would have to admit to an affair.

 

Mind you....this IS conjecture. It is possible that there is no one yet, and she is simply wanting to move on so that she can be happy.

 

You have a couple of choices.....

1. Let her go.

2. Fight to keep her.

 

Letting her go may serve the purpose of her missing you and actually seeing her come back. But it also is likely that if she has someone, then she will leave and not come back.

 

Fighting for her may be futile, but yet again, she may think you no longer love her as you say you do. So...fighting for her will help her realize how important she is to you.

 

What you should not (and what you most likely want to do) is beg and grovel. This will not serve you well.

 

I think a place that gets mentioned for help is marriagebuilders.com. This link gives the reasons why women leave men.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8111_leave.html

 

It may be of help. Also, there is a discussion forum there which may be of help.

 

Good luck. It certainly is not a fun situation that you are in. Hopefully, it can be resolved so that both of you are happy.

[giotto]

let's wait for the first person who's going to say she is having an affair... oops... it's me!

[JamesM]

 

And since she has now found someone...and probably is having an affair, she now justifies it by saying that she has been out of love with your for awhile. If she admitted that her lack of love corresponded with meeting someone, then she would have to admit to an affair.

 

Mind you....this IS conjecture. It is possible that there is no one yet, and she is simply wanting to move on so that she can be happy.

 

let's wait for the first person who's going to say she is having an affair... oops... it's me!

 

 

Nope, you were second.

[giotto]

Nope, you were second.

 

how did I miss that? I read the whole of your post on purpose... I need another pair of glasses!

[TBIRD60]

Wow! That's a little cold, wanting to be first to say my wife is cheating on me. Maybe it true, but very cold!

 

John

[quankanne]

this is going to sound a little nosy, but do you think that because the sex has dried up, she's thought of you more as a beloved "friend" than "lover"? Are you still intimate with her in ways that make her feel you've got a vested interested in her sexually, even though you both know that there are some things that aren't possible? Believe me, once you've shifted your spouse into a "friend zone," it's easy to tell yourself that there's something more out there, someone who can appreciate you fully the way your wife "won't" ... that's not to suggest that she's cheating, but it *does* help cultivate an attitude of "I deserve more"

[giotto]

Wow! That's a little cold, wanting to be first to say my wife is cheating on me. Maybe it true, but very cold!

 

John

 

she might be having just an emotional affair... who knows, but the signs are a classic, unfortunately...

[JamesM]

she might be having just an emotional affair... who knows, but the signs are a classic, unfortunately...

 

I agree.

 

I apologize if I came off as cold, but unfortunately, an affair is a good possibility...especially when it seemingly comes out of the blue. But as I said, it is entirely possible that she has been drifting slowly away from you over the past seven years, and while you have emails from her, it could have been her way of attempting to rekindle the flame.

 

Did you go to the link I gave you? I found it helpful for me as well.

 

In no way, am I trying to blame you. You have been honest as to how you may have contributed. I simply am trying to give you possible reasons for this apparent sudden announcement.

 

BTW, we guys are notorious for missing the signs from our wives...myself definitely included.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

 

BTW, we guys are notorious for missing the signs from our wives...myself definitely included.

 

My wife misses all the signs that I want sex...... Goes right over her head....:laugh:

 

OP - trust me I'm usually the last to say it, but pretty obvious there is at least an EA or opportunities abound..... C'mon she became a flight attendant at a later point in her life and now is talking the "walkaway wife" mantra......

[TBIRD60]

Hi! Yes, I did go to the link, and I gone to Marriage builders quite a bit in the past, since, what one percieves may not be reality for the other so it good to check that out. Yes, I been lacking in the physcial love department (sex) but not in holding her, kissing her etc, but it does seem like the last 6-8 months she could care less whether I do or don't.

 

I mention the sex thing the other night and she said no big deal, so that doesn't sound too good. Sometimes, you try to gage these things, and obviously, I miss it. I mean I think I was done either way, but probably should have try to fix it. I would have known real fast then. True love isn't based on it, but it sure does help. I really, really didn't know anything was wrong. I am a very sensitive person and I wear my heart on my sleeve, which is not good, right now, so I would have noticed things weren't right, but she always wanted to go out with me, I made her laugh, I kiss her etc. It's just that something happenned down there and I was very disaapointed and ashamed, but she told me not to worry about it. oh well. She says she does not have anyone nor is she cheating, but who knows. She might be playing her cards close to the vest etc. She is very good at hidding big things, that I know from the past experience. I am not. Pretty much what you see is what you get. It very hard for me to decieve. I don't like that at all.

 

John

[kuma]

She says she does not have anyone nor is she cheating, but who knows. She might be playing her cards close to the vest etc. She is very good at hidding big things, that I know from the past experience. I am not. Pretty much what you see is what you get. It very hard for me to decieve. I don't like that at all.

 

John

 

John, if she's good at hiding BIG things, you really have no choice. Check her phone and email. Do you know what she wants? Does she want a divorce?

[quankanne]

I don't know, John – I've always thought that as long as a couple upheld the intimacy of their relationship, the whole not-being-able-to-physically-engage in the sex act wasn't a deal-breaker, because the physical attraction was still there (you know, the whole "willing, just not able" bit) ...

 

it makes me sad to think that maybe your wife's new chapter in life (the flight attendant stuff) has made her "realize" there's still time to do all those other things she thinks are interesting without having you along for the ride. So, in all honesty, there doesn't really have to be another man involved, just the idea that without a husband, she's suddenly got the freedom to pursue those interests. All good and fine, but unless there's something specifically bad or wrong with the marriage, she's looking for greener pastures without realizing it's just as good – if not better – right where she's at.

 

my heart goes out to you ... I hope y'all find a resolution that works for you both

 

XXX,

quank

[Samantha0905]

I'm so sorry. I can imagine this is quite painful for you and I'm so sorry about your son. I'm glad you still love him as I know he needs a strong support base. He's still so young. Hopefully, he will come out of it all. Do they offer any kind of drug rehabilitation in prison, or do they just assume he won't be on the drug so it will go away? Sorry if that sounded naive -- I know nothing about heroin other than it is highly addictive.

 

Also, I'm sorry about your mother. She must have lived a long life if you are 60. Hopefully, she didn't suffer too much before she passed. My mother is gone and I miss her dearly.

 

Have you talked to your wife about the two of you getting marriage counseling? My husband has an erectile problem and I kept quiet about it. Of course you should seek help if it's something that can be helped with medication. Do you miss the sexual relationship or does it just become something you wish to avoid since there's a physical issue?

 

After all these years, I think your relationship is most certainly salvageable. If you really want it to work -- really work on it. Fight for her. If you do find out she is seeing someone else -- that, of course, needs to be out of the equation.

 

I don't think you should check her phone and email. Talk to her -- but not an inquisition -- talk to her about what the two of you can do to work on your relationship. Sometimes it is hard to stop a person from self-destructing when they are in this mode. I'd bet money she will eventually come around. I'm not suggesting you allow her to mistreat you though. You guys need to talk. I guarantee you she will have a difficult time walking away permanently from that long term of a relationship.

 

For what it's worth -- I said I was moving out and did for six months. My husband did not beg and grovel, but he did not get mean either. We stayed in communication and he stayed nice. He didn't ask to see me constantly and gave me some space while I was having my crazy moment. I'm sure he wanted to choke me at times. He stayed loving while maintaining his dignity and I'm back with him now. It's a lot easier to miss someone you admire and respect than miss someone who is treating you like crap or begging, etc.

 

I think our relationship is a more mature and communicative relationship now in many ways. The sex thing is still an issue. I say grab that bull by the horns.

 

I think women go through something when they become empty nesters after having spent their lives raising children. I was a stay-at-home mom and it was an adjustment for me. Your wife getting out in the world to work has exposed her to many new things. It doesn't mean these things are better than what you two have, but sometimes it's easy to get confused and sometimes it takes a while to sort oneself out. Plus, the added stress of your son and the two of you having sexual issues can't help things. I'm not saying that makes what she is doing right -- I'm just saying these things can weigh on a person and sometimes they make rash decisions.

 

Oh -- and by way of information, we've been married almost 28 years and dated six years before that.

[kuma]

For what it's worth -- I said I was moving out and did for six months. My husband did not beg and grovel, but he did not get mean either. We stayed in communication and he stayed nice. He didn't ask to see me constantly and gave me some space while I was having my crazy moment. I'm sure he wanted to choke me at times. He stayed loving while maintaining his dignity and I'm back with him now. It's a lot easier to miss someone you admire and respect than miss someone who is treating you like crap or begging, etc.

 

I thought you had an affair.

[Samantha0905]

I thought you had an affair.

 

I did and my husband knows about it. We've worked all that out through counseling, communication, etc. We're doing well and love each other. My point about the OP not conducting an inquisition is the point people make here all the time. What good does it do to interrogate? If his wife is having an affair do you think she's going to announce it if she's already hiding it from him?

 

I don't know that she is, by the way, so I'm not assuming she is having an affair.

 

And even when someone does have an affair -- although it is nothing to be taken lightly -- people work through it sometimes. Love can be that strong.

[kuma]

I did and my husband knows about it. We've worked all that out through counseling, communication, etc. We're doing well and love each other. My point about the OP not conducting an inquisition is the point people make here all the time. What good does it do to interrogate? If his wife is having an affair do you think she's going to announce it if she's already hiding it from him?

 

I don't know that she is, by the way, so I'm not assuming she is having an affair.

 

And even when someone does have an affair -- although it is nothing to be taken lightly -- people work through it sometimes. Love can be that strong.

 

Ok, he can talk to her and find out why. Anyway, I'm glad to hear that you and your husband were able to save your marriage. I think you're very lucky.

[TBIRD60]

Hi Samantha!

 

Thanks for your thoughtful email. I am dying inside, and i love her deeply. As you can imagine, more than ever. Someone said something about an affair? I have had none.

 

Anyway, right now, I haven't eaten in 3 days, other then some orange juice etc. I need to drop weight anyway. I am atlehtic and I run etc. But I am so jittery and lost. Your right, I don't want to grovel, and beg. But I do want her to know how much I love her. I talked to her yesterday over the phone she is pleasant with me. She has never had any anxiety issues. Amazingly calm person. On the other hand I had a few, and now well it's getting to me so, I need to pray, seek help etc. I sent her and email telling her that I love her and a few love songs. Hope that not considered begging.

 

I want to is better my self. Ask myself questions without beating myself up. Sometimes after some many years we forget the little things, like a love note on the bathroom mirror, or flowers (but she not really a flower person) She has many friends and very out going. I have many friends but not as fearless as she is. She amazing that way. Don't get me wrong, at a party I am on center stage and she laughs along. Oh well, I am rambling on, just nervous. Flying home to meet her. She is picking me up.

 

I just don't understand it, we went on a cruise last year and had a ball. She wasn't moping or sad. She was happy and bubbly, so i don't know where this is coming from.

 

Your right strenght the only way to go here. I don't think there is another option, but right not my strenght is gone. Either way, being weak doesn't do any good. I know that but it hard right now.

 

Oh I will not pry and try to find things. What the point but sometimes I think about doing it but again, what the point. I did ask her however if there was another. She said no. But who knows. I do think she thinking alot about growing old and just looking at it other and such. I know I thought that too and with the kids out, I think it scares her.

 

Take care, and I am so glad it worked out for you.

 

John

Edited October 9, 2010 by TBIRD60

[FanFan]

She was happy and bubbly, so i don't know where this is coming from.

 

 

There is obviously another man who is making her happy and bubbly.

[TBIRD60]

Hi John here again. Yes, that's my guess. She has a bad spending complusion, and wouldn't last a month, plus usualy when a women leaves especially if the husband was true, not abusive, and loving, it hard and would scare her a bit after 34 years to be on her own. Yet, she acts like she going on a pleasure cruise. I can only guess that (and I could be wrong) that she has been having a affair for sometime now, and finally made the decision based on her new love to jump ship. Nothing like a secret love to make passion that much more delicious. It's a drug women can quit even if they want to sometimes.

 

Right now, she wants to play the good girl in peoples eye and probably this guy won't be revealed for at least a couple months. In the mean time, she bidding her time (I think) at her friends house.

 

I am still crushed but realizing that not much I can do. She'll probably end up marrying this guy or living with him and then after 2- 3 years be unhappy again after that hot, hot love, settles down to everyday living, and should turn into true love.

 

John

[2sure]

Many many many things have to happen and do happen between the words "I want a divorce" and signing on the dotted line.

 

ESPECIALLY when the conversations Starts with those words. As in...all of a sudden.

 

Even if there is someone else.