Still a chance with friend?

[walktheline]

Okay, just looking for some insight here, though honestly I kind of already know where I'm at I guess.

 

I am in the process of a divorce, actually less than a week away from it being finalized. I had been married for 9 years and for the past year and a half prior to separation I knew things had ended for me emotionally. It's been fairly amicable and things have gone pretty well between the ex-wife and I and we both understand things just didn't work out for various reasons.

 

This summer after being separated for a few months I started talking to a co-worker that I see on occasion and it initially wasn't anything more than a friendship. I really wasn't expecting anything until we ended up talking for hours on the phone without even realizing. Some of the talks became more intense than we realized and I was very open and honest about my marriage and it's failings. She told me she appreciated how open and honest I was with her with regards to everything, but said that we couldn't be more than friends while I was still legally married and this was completely fine with me. Well, the friends thing became too hard and she asked that we stop texting and contacting each other outside of work. Of course this didn't last very long and I texted her, nothing flirtatious, just friendly. Sometimes she texted back sometimes not and at one point she told me how hard it was for her not to talk like we had and it wasn't that she didn't want to, she just felt uncomfortable with my situation. She indicated that she would like to talk again after my divorce and I said that was fine as long as I could take her to dinner and she said she would like that. Of course I didn't get the hint and occasionally sent her a friendly text just saying hi, or showing her some of my artwork I had recently finished. She finally told me that she couldn't text me back at all, friendly or not while I was still married because she had a good friend that was going through marital problems. So I took her contact out of my phone and told her I would do better this time. Stopped texting, but I'll be honest I really missed talking to her and emailed her a couple times at work just to say "hi" though she never responded. Nothing ever serious until about 4 weeks ago when I was at a weak point and emailed a long letter stating how I missed talking to her etc. and how I hoped we could talk again eventually. Really stupid and I regret ever sending it and haven't emailed her anything like that again. Well, she's never once mentioned the letter and neither have I, she still talks to me when she sees me at work, though to me it felt a like things had become awkward for a week or so after the email.

 

Since then I hadn't contacted her other than to email her when I would be into work to get some coffee mugs she had made for me. So I went into work yesterday and she had been out sick all week. Nobody had talked to her and her coworker was concerned and I said I would text her. So of course I stupidly texted her and never heard anything back. Stupid move again.

 

I won't see her again for over a week and I'm really planning on avoiding her for a couple of weeks all together. She's still friendly with me at work and we talk quite a bit when it allows at work, but I really don't know whether I still have a chance with her. I'll be divorced very soon and I don't even know if I can or how I would even transition back to where we were.

 

I hate this so much, but I feel like I've messed things up before they could even start properly. It really feels like it'll be another one of life's "What if?" and it really sucks. In the end I truly wish we had never began talking at all while I was still separated, I really believe things could have ended up differently if things had began after my divorce. Lesson learned I guess.

Edited October 7, 2010 by walktheline