Seriously considering ending my LDR

[lizzibeth]

I almost posted on my original post but I decided against it as it's somewhat unrelated.

 

We've been fighting and bickering over World of Warcraft and his utter devotion to it. I don't share in that devotion. I enjoy the game but I'm not as deep as he is and don't have the time to play it that he does. I have a very busy career and a son that I'm responsible for. My WoW time is limited. He works from his home and has no children. He has ample time to play and does so.

 

Over the past weeks I've asked that we do other things besides get on WoW to spend time together. I've asked to watch movies or play other board games or just talk on Skype. We have done none of those things despite my asking him. He asks me to come on WoW and I do, usually. Other times I would say I didn't feel like it and he would quite happily stay there without me with a text here or there asking me what I was doing. I would respond with whatever it was I was doing (reading, laundry, watching TV) and then it'd be hours before I'd hear from him again.

 

This week I've been traveling for work. I had no access to WoW. I had my work laptop but no WoW access. I barely heard from him. I'd message him and hours would go on. I asked him to call me to tuck me in and I'd get nothing back. Then I got a call at 4am (well after I had gone to bed).

 

I'm just so very tired of the hassle and wanting to feel important to him. I know that I am. But I know that he is so into this game he doesn't want to do anything else. I know that if I broke things off with him, it would break his heart. But I also know that I'm not happy with the way things are going. I just want things to be like they used to be

[aerogurl87]

The game is more important to him than you are. Cut the losses, being in a relationship with a video game addict is as destructive to your self esteem and the relationship as being with an alcoholic.

[Els]

Sadly, there's a risk we always face when we get to know people from MMORPGs. WoW is a great way to meet people.. and unfortunately, also a great way to keep oneself hooked to the point of self-destruction. I'd give him an ultimatum if I were you, and if he doesn't shape up, I agree with AG - time to cut your losses.

[lizzibeth]

The total irony is that I have played casually for a few years and convinced him to get it so we would have something to do together.

 

I never expected him to turn into the stereotype, but he has. He used to play piano for me on skype, send me flowers and notes, I felt like I was his most cherished.....

 

Now I feel I am cherished, as long as I don't interupt his gaming.

 

He is supposed to visit in about a month. Should I wait? I kind of don't want to wait. I can't keep going on being cordial when I'm fuming.

[Els]

No. Talk to him about your feelings now and give him an ultimatum.

[madjac74]

I would hold off with the ultimatum. See if he comes to visit. And then when you are physically together see if he is more interested in you or more interested in finding a computer to play a silly game.

[lizzibeth]

I just tried talking to him on IM, the IM where you can see when they're typing. He has a builder in his house right now fixing some things.

 

So I'm spilling my guts, trying not to be angry but just telling him how I feel second to a game. He tells me how sorry he is and I am second to nothing.

 

Then I responded and waited.....nothing. then he says he will brb that he needs to check on the builder. For ****s and giggles I log on WoW, and low and behold he's on and in a raid. He messages me on WoW and says "let me see if they have room in the raid for you".

 

I'm too mad right now to even speak to him.

[madjac74]

Wow! (haha no pun intended) Games are fun and all but nothing compares to the reality of the love of another person. I think you know you should move on and find a "real" man.

[Omei]

I just tried talking to him on IM, the IM where you can see when they're typing. He has a builder in his house right now fixing some things.

 

So I'm spilling my guts, trying not to be angry but just telling him how I feel second to a game. He tells me how sorry he is and I am second to nothing.

 

Then I responded and waited.....nothing. then he says he will brb that he needs to check on the builder. For ****s and giggles I log on WoW, and low and behold he's on and in a raid. He messages me on WoW and says "let me see if they have room in the raid for you".

 

I'm too mad right now to even speak to him.

 

Don't end your relationship before the visit! I know you're mad at him right now but I tend to find a brighter side of things and do the visit and see if you still feel the same way after! And you spilled your guts out to him and hes in a raid, he was prolly in the raid before you started saying everything and came to a boss when he said brb and lied because he knew it would upset you after just hearing how upset you were with him and the game. After this raid see if he makes more effort to be with you before you end it.

 

Also I have tried quitting wow many times I even bought a new game where I knew no one you said your life was pretty busy, my bfs life is busy I use wow as a comfort thing to be social while hes gone maybe he does that also for while you're gone it makes missing someone less hard when you're busy playing and chatting. But yes while you're present he should be being with you!

[Citizen Erased]

Find someone else that is worth the time and energy you put into a LDR, not someone that gets lost in some game to the point they lie to you when you're having a serious conversation to play it.

 

It amazes me that people can put so little effort into their actual relationships because they're too busy being involved in a game. I wonder in 10, 20 years how much it will comfort them then.

[Els]

Don't end your relationship before the visit! I know you're mad at him right now but I tend to find a brighter side of things and do the visit and see if you still feel the same way after! And you spilled your guts out to him and hes in a raid, he was prolly in the raid before you started saying everything and came to a boss when he said brb and lied because he knew it would upset you after just hearing how upset you were with him and the game. After this raid see if he makes more effort to be with you before you end it.

 

Also I have tried quitting wow many times I even bought a new game where I knew no one you said your life was pretty busy, my bfs life is busy I use wow as a comfort thing to be social while hes gone maybe he does that also for while you're gone it makes missing someone less hard when you're busy playing and chatting. But yes while you're present he should be being with you!

 

I really must disagree. I played WoW avidly once upon a time, when I had a lot of free time on my hands; raided the top tier content (think Sarth3d) at that time, and was a regular raid member in one of the top few guilds on my server.

 

At NO time would I ever have left a serious conversation where my partner was spilling his guts out, to continue a raid, and lied about it. I would've found a way to get out - I don't care, I would've told my guildmembers my computer died or something.

 

It's another thing if the OP constantly keeps trying to pull him away from playing by forcing talks about their relationship - that doesn't seem to be so in this case. This seemed to be a one-off thing, and he couldn't even stop playing a while for it. He has no excuse, really.

 

Things may go well during her visit, but that doesn't change the fact that she's being siderailed LD, which is how the majority of their time together is spent. If she waits for the visit, and it goes well, it'll only reinforce her love for him, which will only hurt her again when LD returns and her needs aren't being met again. Unless their LD will be over soon?

[lizzibeth]

I didn't really talk to him very much last night. I was really mad when I busted him 'checking on the builder' and I went to take a bath and calm down. Nothing good can happen when I'm fired up.

 

I did my thing and a couple of hours passed before I talked to him. He had finished his raiding and kept asking what I wanted to do tomorrow. I told him that asking me what I wanted to do tomorrow was a good gesture but I resented that I had to throw a fit to get him to do something or want to do something that imo should come naturally. I feel like he should want to be around me and do the limited thngs we can do from this distance without my having to blow up about it.

 

I don't want us to be over. But its like I told him last night, I can't continue to feel like I'm playing second to a game. I hate being the naggy or whiney girlfriend. I hate the hostility I feel towards him over this. I hate feeling like I'm forcing him to do something with me when he seems to rather be elsewhere.

 

He of course says all the right things. He's sorry. He wants me with himways. Things are more fun when we are doing them together etc etc....but anytime I have brought this up these are the things he says. The behavior always returns after a few days of being what I would call balanced.

 

I love the time when we are physically together. He is not like this during our visits. Guild members even make jokes about the only time he's gone from the game for more than a few hours is when he's in the states with me.

 

I haven't ended anything. I don't know what the answer is. It all seems so juvenille. I'm conflicted because I don't want to lose him but I also am very sick of having the same conversation every other week.

 

He usually will try and go to bed early on fridays so we can spend my Friday together. He just now went to bed after a long night of wowing (I checked, I hate that I've become that bway).

 

I love him. I love how we were. I hate how things are. I keep thinking if I just talk to him when he's here and he can see and feel just how much this bothers me that he will listen and hear me.

 

I'm sorry. I'm babbling.....

[Omei]

At NO time would I ever have left a serious conversation where my partner was spilling his guts out, to continue a raid, and lied about it. I would've found a way to get out - I don't care, I would've told my guildmembers my computer died or something.

 

I suppose you're right, I also left raids for my SO whenever I was raiding too much in fact I gave it up altogether.

 

This guy should be doing that for her too.

 

But there must be a way around the wow issue without ending it.

 

Maybe you guys can make date nights/raid nights deal.

 

I am guessing if hes in a guild hes got raid nights he must be on and raiding at a certain time every week (bleh its like a job with no pay hate this guildless ftw) So maybe you guys can date nights were you guys do stuff together all night with no wow included so when he does do his raid nights you feel satisfied with how much time you spent together? I don't know that's just a suggestion.

 

The amount of time I raided bothered my SO a lot too I eventually just gave it up altogether and pvp with him to save us.

[lizzibeth]

I suppose you're right, I also left raids for my SO whenever I was raiding too much in fact I gave it up altogether.

 

This guy should be doing that for her too.

 

But there must be a way around the wow issue without ending it.

 

Maybe you guys can make date nights/raid nights deal.

 

I am guessing if hes in a guild hes got raid nights he must be on and raiding at a certain time every week (bleh its like a job with no pay hate this guildless ftw) So maybe you guys can date nights were you guys do stuff together all night with no wow included so when he does do his raid nights you feel satisfied with how much time you spent together? I don't know that's just a suggestion.

 

The amount of time I raided bothered my SO a lot too I eventually just gave it up altogether and pvp with him to save us.

We are in the same guild (on our main toons) and raid together for the most part. He's made some new friends and this raid was with another guild altogether. The part about last night that is bothering me the most was that he knew this was the first night I would be home and settled from my business trip and he made plans while I was away to do this and I was in no way involved or thought about. If it was our normal guild run, I wouldn't have been so mad about it because we know what days/times we raid. This was something separate and apart. I felt like an afterthought.

 

I don't WANT to end it. I always use the 'would I be ok if he found someone else' as the factor when I'm considering breaking up with someone. The answer to that question is NO. I would not be ok if he met someone else. I don't want to meet someone else. I don't want him not to be a part of my life. I don't want to walk away from someone that I really do love. He's so wonderful in so many other ways and I don't want to give the impression that he's all bad. He's been one of the kindest, compassionate, romantic and loving men I've ever known. We just have been arguing about the game, his time spent on the game, and then this. I hate what it's making me. I'm not his Mom. I don't want to be! I don't want to tell him what to do. I want him to WANT to do things with me and to WANT to spend some time with me.

 

Friday night has historically been our night to do stuff together. It's been overlooked recently because there was always something going on. When I got his text at 7am that he was just now going to bed (about 1am where he is), I just kind of felt like here we go again, another day in WoWland. I logged into WoW on my way out the door and he had just signed off when he sent me that text. He ALWAYS goes to bed early on my Friday so we can spend time together Friday evening. He wakes up early and will spend my work day on IM and the evening chatting before we go find something to do (WoW these days).

 

I don't mind playing WoW with him. I DO enjoy the game. I like doing the raiding and all of it. I truly do. I just want some balance. I feel like I've got a WoW boyfriend. I want a BOYFRIEND BOYFRIEND. One that will call me to say good night when I'm going to bed, not at 4am after he's finished his raiding for the night. I don't mind WoW being PART of what we do. I just hate that it's EVERYTHING we do. Frankly, I'm starting to hate how it's making me behave and feel more than the problem itself. I hate that I now log into WoW to check and see what he's doing when he's chatting to me on IM and seems distant. I feel like the whiney 'you don't pay any attention to me' girlfriend. I'm so NOT this girl. I really am very independent. I just don't feel like I get equal time. His lying to me about what he was doing can easily be explained away. I'm sure he was trying to save his skin because he knew I was upset over WoW to begin with. But I don't want to be in a relationship where I have to worry about him lying over a frickin game. it's a GAME.

 

I'm rambling again and clearly very conflicted on so many levels.

[Omei]

Would your bf be up for taking wow breaks? aka not renewing time for a month? When me and my SO feel like wow is becoming too much of a "its the only thing we do" we don't renew our times, esp as of late because Cata's coming out and there is no reason to hardcore raid right now....to get purples to be replaced at x-mas? seems like a lot of wasted time to us....Maybe you can convince him to take a wow break before Cata and find a new hobby if he says yes. There are some mega long animes out there!

[lizzibeth]

He's determined to get to the lich king before cata comes out. He wants his stupid kingslayer title. Then when cata comes out he's going to want to get to 85 and get geared and so on and so forth.

 

He would NEVER not renew. I pay annually so I don't go month to month but my son also plays so I wouldn't want to do that to him.

 

I'm at the point today, and this may change daily, where I'm just spent on talking to him about it. I've tried and tried to tell him how I feel and he might be more conscious of it for a few days and then we're back to all wow all the time. I don't feel like I'm asking him to do anything that shouldn't be very normal behavior for any boyfriend, not to mention any boyfriend who is part of a LDR. I'm not asking for every second of every minute of every day. I'm not asking for ALL his WoW time. I'm not asking for anything that any normal girl doesn't want.

 

I've sort of resigned myself to the fact that I can't change it. I love him and I know that he loves me and it would SEEM stupid to break up with him over a video game. I'm not really ready to do that. I am however ready to stop talking about it with him because he obviously doesn't either get it or doesn't care enough to change anything long term.

 

Right now, this minute, I am feeling like ok, do your thing and we'll see how long I can take it before I snap. I have plenty to do that I don't need to sit around and pine for him. maybe if I'm not there and I'm not crying "oh come hang out with me", he'll miss me. Maybe he won't. One way or another it will come to a head and he'll either stop it and be the attentive man I know he can be or I'll decide that I've just had enough and that a video game is as good a reason as any to break up with someone.

 

If this is my life now from so many miles away, what on earth would it be like to have him here on the computer all day, every day, playing WoW.

 

I dunno - I just feel defeated and I'm sick of talking to him about it.

[Omei]

He's determined to get to the lich king before cata comes out. He wants his stupid kingslayer title. Then when cata comes out he's going to want to get to 85 and get geared and so on and so forth.

 

 

I dunno - I just feel defeated and I'm sick of talking to him about it.

 

 

Bleh getting that title now is not worth the huge amount of time getting it this late into icc.

 

I am sorry hes so hooked on wow, and that you feel defeated.

[aerogurl87]

Lizzibeth you have more patience than me because when my ex got like this I was ready to end things for good. The game is first, and you come second. It's as clear as day and you deserve better than to be second to a game, but as long as you allow him to put you in that position things will not get better.

[madjac74]

This game just sounds terrible...like a drug. It seems to consume peoples lives. I admit I love playing xbox and i was slightly addicted to Call of duty for awhile but I wouldnt hesitate to shut it off or leave an exciting online battle no matter how well i was doing to talk to my GF! I have talked to her while playing it but if she ever felt like it came before her I would be done with it. Games are fun but they'd never replace the love she

[Els]

It's okay to aspire for ingame titles - as long as you don't let them run your entire life. I achieved Kingslayer 3-4 months ago, and I didn't put everyone in my life on the back burner to do it. In fact, I only raided 3 times a week, from 9-12pm each time, and played very little outside of those times. If he's heading to bed everyday at 4am just to get Kingslayer, he either needs to review what's really important in his life... or find a better way to do it. The solution isn't to throw his life away over it. And you shouldn't be collateral damage.

Edited October 9, 2010 by Elswyth

[Omei]

It's okay to aspire for ingame titles - as long as you don't let them run your entire life. I achieved Kingslayer 3-4 months ago, and I didn't put everyone in my life on the back burner to do it. In fact, I only raided 3 times a week, from 9-12pm each time, and played very little outside of those times. If he's heading to bed everyday at 4am just to get Kingslayer, he either needs to review what's really important in his life... or find a better way to do it. The solution isn't to throw his life away over it. And you shouldn't be collateral damage.

 

I refused to raid weekly to get Kingslayer I just waited till a clearing guild had a missing healer and did it in 1 shot, I can't ever stick to guilds/raid times in this game after about a 3 weeks of sticking to a game raid schedule I just feel tired and worn out mentally, one thing I do not like about WoW is its demand to have you play for HOURS to get things done.....I do play for hours sometimes but I like doing it when I want to do it not planned like a part-time job with no pay...it would be so much fun to raid and get paid lol.

 

This game just sounds terrible...like a drug. It seems to consume peoples lives. I admit I love playing xbox and i was slightly addicted to Call of duty for awhile but I wouldnt hesitate to shut it off or leave an exciting online battle no matter how well i was doing to talk to my GF! I have talked to her while playing it but if she ever felt like it came before her I would be done with it. Games are fun but they'd never replace the love she

 

It is a really fun game as long as you don't make it your life some people just cant pull away!

[madjac74]

 

 

 

It is a really fun game as long as you don't make it your life some people just cant pull away!

 

Exactly! Just like a drug. I think she should go in there during a raid and chop his head off. He wants to make this game his life then he should have to deal with his GF ...with a sword.

[Omei]

Exactly! Just like a drug. I think she should go in there during a raid and chop his head off. He wants to make this game his life then he should have to deal with his GF ...with a sword.

 

lizzibeth = Arthas? lol.

[tornandmarried]

if u wanna keep someone and have a healthy relationship u need to tell him how u feel...have u told him everything your saying on this forum? tell him strait out im mad at you and im about to dump your a**....dont give an ultimatum persay, see if he knows why your mad and if he knows how to fix it first.....if he gives the game a break and spends time with u then great, if he says sorry im in a raid then too bad, let the stupid game keep him warm at night.......i also get a feeling, if he can snub u for a video game he might also snub u for another woman in the future, just as easy...jumping to conclusions maybe, just a thought

[lizzibeth]

if u wanna keep someone and have a healthy relationship u need to tell him how u feel...have u told him everything your saying on this forum? tell him strait out im mad at you and im about to dump your a**....dont give an ultimatum persay, see if he knows why your mad and if he knows how to fix it first.....if he gives the game a break and spends time with u then great, if he says sorry im in a raid then too bad, let the stupid game keep him warm at night.......i also get a feeling, if he can snub u for a video game he might also snub u for another woman in the future, just as easy...jumping to conclusions maybe, just a thought

I have told him all about it. He sees it and he always is better for a few days but then it's back to the status quo. He says because he's home and not as busy, he just has more time to do it.

 

I really have no reason to ever think he'd snub me for another woman. He likes to get his nerd on and I can relate to it in some respects. We've always gone in phases with WoW. I'll play it everyday for weeks and then I'll just step away. He never steps away. One thing I did find out recently is that before this, he played another game online. It's making me think he's just a big gaming nerd and the biggest thing I need to work on with him is balance. He can play his games but I still need him.