Is she really "like a sister"?

[ARL]

I'll try to make a terribly long story as shortas I can without leaving anything out...

 

Fiance's from FL, we live in NY. His sister's best friend is also very tight with him and have known each other since HS (he's 30). They had crushes on each other and tried to date but realized they were "too much like family". Still, on family outings, they would share the same bed and "nothing ever happened". I was skeptical at first but he assured me I had nothing to worry about. March 2002 we fly down for a b-day party and they spend the whole day together leaving me and OUR daughter sitting around like fools. My suspicions were brought back to life and that night I told him if I'm wasting my time with him, let me know so I could go home and send his stuff back.

Now he knows I don't really like her. So, She flys to NY to visit her "man" but spends most of the time at our house. We went out one night with my cousin and his girlfriend and even they were surprised at how close they looked and I was looking and feeling like the third wheel.

 

We fly down to FL again for Easter 2003 and at a club with her and another friend, I told him that feelings have not changed and again, he reassured me that nothing was amiss. I came home before him because of work and that Saturday morning I couldn't get a hold of him. After 15 calls, I got "her" number and when I called her house HE answered the phone. He said that after a night of clubbing and drinking it was too late to go back to his mother's house so him and a friend stayed at her house. Meanwhile the night before he wasn't feeling well and said he was just going to chilli's with his sister and her husband. I was ENRAGED...but he thought I was over-reacting. I was so upset I was ready to tell him to just stay in FL and to have a nice life with her. But I cooled down and basically told him there should not be a next time and if there is, I'm out.

Our next trip was December 2003. He left Thursday and I was leaving Monday with our daughter. That same night he got there, they all went out. The next morning, I couldn't find him. I had to bother his sister on the job (she's a teacher) to find out that AGAIN, he slept at her house. He didn't think he did anything wrong. Again, he figured since they were out late drinking and it was a bunch of them, they could all crash at her house. There was no excuse for him not going home that night because this time he was staying at his sister's house and HAD THE KEYS TO GET IN! I went off this time leaving nothing untold of how I felt about the whole situation and threatned to not even get on the plane and spend the holidays with my family in NY. And again, I was accused of over-reacting and being "silly".

 

A few hours later, SHE calls me on my cell phone because "she felt bad about what happened between me and him and she doesn't want me to feel like I can't trust them because they all see her as one of the guys", and that she knew I was coming on Monday and she didn't want things to be awkward...that she understands where I'm coming from because she's felt like that before in previous relationships. Whatever. I said it was a little too late for all of that and let her know just how pissed I was and that I thought she was just as disrespectful as he was. And she tried to say that "she never meant to disrespect me". What made it even worse is they BOTH knew that he could've gone home that night...

Funny because whenever he goes to Florida they're together almost all the time. This time around, she was hardly in the picture. This woman is 30 years old, can never keep a man because she likes to go clubbin with all of her other male friends, and most (if not all) of her female friends are hoes (I know that for a fact because I seen it for myself).

 

We argue about this woman and their close relationship a lot because he TRULY feels like there's nothing wrong with how they are with each other and acts like he just doesn't want to let her go...it seems like he needs her in his life because he constantly tells me, "I love her like a sister and you want me to just stop talking to her...". I told him after the night with my cousin that I won't ever ask him to do that because I have dear friends that I couldn't just cut out...but at this point with all the crap that's gone on, I would love nothing more than to not see her ever again.

 

I just don't think it's right ESPECIALLY when I get the feeling that everyone who's close to him (family and friends) know that they have some kind of history. And whether or not it was short lived, the fact still remains that they had huge crushes on each other and have dated.

 

Everyone around them knows what's up and that's one reason why I feel like I"m being played like a jackass. His sister understands where I'm coming from, and every other woman I speak to about this feels the same way. Why can't he see where I'M coming from... I try not to talk to any male figures in my life about this because so far they all say the same thing, "yup...he's hittin that!"

 

I need advice from any if not all of you. If you've been in this situation tell me how it panned out, if you agree, disagree...please. We're supposed to be moving to Florida for good and I really feel like this is going to be an ongoing problem if she's constantly around and I'm afraid that could potentially ruin our marriage (we're supposed to be getting married this August)

[befuddled11]

I'm not buying the whole "she's like a sister" routine, but regardless of that....what gets me most is his utter disrespect and disregard for your feelings.

 

As well, it's *always* been my experience that when something doesn't sit right about a partner's behavior (suspicious) and you bring this up and get the standard BS tactic of twisting it around and you being accused of "overreacting" and being "silly", there's more there than meets the eye, and one should trust their instinct.

 

I realize you have a child together, but this guy sounds awfully selfish and immature. Doesn't he have anything better to do than go clubbing and getting plastered? He's a father, and soon to be a husband (well, maybe?).....he sounds like an irresponsible liar.

 

Why must you move to FL anyway? Though I guess that's neither here nor there because it doesn't matter where you all reside -- if he's going to disrespect you, he's going to disrespect you.

 

Personally? I think there's more there between him and pseudo-sis than a strong sibling-like bond. Maybe the 'friends with benefits' bond?

[Darkangelism]

She might really be that close, I have girls that are that close to me but if my girl didnt like them, i wouldnt do things to make her mad.

[ARL]

Hey Dark - I have a few guys friends that I grew up with since BIRTH. The difference here that has me uneasy is that they were romantically linked in the past, regardless of how short lived it was. And there were times that we were all together and you would still think THEY were the couple.

 

I just feel like there are certain boundaries you create. I'm not just some girl he started dating. Although I know he's half the blame, I feel like she is a HUGE contributor to my negative feelings. For a woman who claims to have been in my shoes before she sure doesn't seem to have a whole lot of respect for me or this relationship when she invites him to go out drinking for a night and then have him sleep over her house since they're all too drunk to drive all the way home...and I'm 1500 miles away at home with our daughter in NYC. Yeah that makes me feel a whole lot better.

 

I'm sorry I"m rambling...my point was...with my male friends, we are absolutely like family. Since birth I've addressed their parents as "Aunt..." or "Uncle..." The situation with these two is completely different. I've never done anything to make him question our relationship because of the way I acted with one of my male "family members".