Why doesn't my husband want sex?

[AugustFool]

Hello folks.

 

this is August Fool...Long time fan - first time poster...

 

So. My H and I have been married 15 years, together for 20ish...

 

I love him. He loves me. we've been to hell and back. He tells me all the time how much he loves me, needs me, that I'm beautiful. He stops me in the kitchen while I'm cooking dinner to put his arms around me, kiss me, then look deep into my eyes and say "it's you and me always...you know that, right?" That's all great, but there isn't any sex!! Even when sex is - for us - "frequent," we're talking 2x a month. During stressful times, we're talking nothing -- sometimes for months.

 

When we were first together, it was probably once a week. It quickly tapered off. For a long time, I just kind of told myself it was okay. But, truthfully, it wasn't and I just kept suppressing my desire until my repressed emotion just turned into anger and resentment.

 

Long story short, we went through some stuff that pretty much uncorked all the bs in a very nuclear way. Yet here we are on the other side of it all -- with more dedication and conviction than ever to make our marriage healthy and happy and fulfilling.

 

So I'm more honest than i used to be about wanting sex. But the problem is that if he feels pressured then he is even less likely to respond and then it starts to turn into an issue -- a presence in the room -- "the sex that isn't being had." And frankly, from a purely selfish point of view, I don't like it when that happens because I am less likely to get me some.

 

So, now the problem has another dimension. The recession (it's over, right??) just hit us hard -- his job just got cut. He's hurting, of course. I want to make him feel better, he wants me close, but "he just doesn't feel like having sex." That's cool - I get it. But you know what? He didn't feel like it much before either! So I find myself having mean little thoughts (examples: "he's using this job thing as an excuse," "so what if he doesn't feel like it -- i've certainly gotten him off when I wasn't all that excited about sex before; he knows I want it - why can't he just do me a solid?")

 

I don't even know what I'm asking for specific help with - except maybe:

"How long do I leave him alone, what with the job cut, and just be patient?"

 

and/or

 

"Does the fact that my husband really doesn't want sex so strange that I should actually be more worried about the health of our marriage than I am?"

 

and/or

 

"is he a tease? and if so, what should I do about that?"

 

Thank you all for your thoughts.

[You Go Girl]

I assume you are sure he isn't getting it elsewhere, and that this is a low libido vs your higher libido issue.

He doesn't watch and use porn, right? You're not being replaced, right?

 

He has a long history of a lower libido than you, or you have a long history of having a higher libido than him. I put it this way, because it isn't one person is wrong here, and the other right.That's the first thing to realize and acknowledge. He isn't wrong, you aren't right. You're simply not matched perfectly in the libido dept. And what married couple is? Only the few.

How long has he been without work? I do agree that that can take away a man's feeling of worth.

One thing I am quite sure of. Just like if you had a husband that was complaining, whining, because you didn't 'put out' enough, so too, a woman can't belittle her husband for the same thing that so many men complain about. There is nothing romantic about whining and threats and complaining. If there was, there would be a lot more sex in marriages.

 

I know a few men with lower libidos. Some men are simply wired that way. He isn't going to turn into your personal casanova unless you can somehow turn him into your love slave.

I'd focus on the intimacy. Hugs, caresses, massages, and sometimes, and only sometimes, it might lead somewhere.

As long as you've been married you know better than anybody what does turn him on. Study it..and perfect it, but don't expect him to change into somebody he's not.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Could it simply be low testosterone? Sounds like he never was into it, though he loves you. If you were at 1X/wk when first together then 2X/mth after 20 years is not unusual.

 

The problem is he sends mixed messages and does not communicate openly.

 

Really don't know what you can do or expect after 20 years for a problem that should have been very apparent early on....

 

Very sorry about his job too....

[Kendrick]

You stated it tappered off quickly, then its always been an issue with him not wanting as much sex as you, correct? Hard to say WHY that is, the list of possibilites could be many. Couples counseling perhaps?

[PandorasBox]

Has been to the doc to rule out any medical issues? Psychological issues?

[hellhathnofury]

This is an elephant in the room. You're both tip-toeing around the issue.

 

I'm afraid you're going to need to take the bull by the horns, and deliver a strong, no-nonsense, unambiguous message.

 

I need some loving. I like having sex, and I want to have sex with you.

We all have stress, pressure and worries in our lives, but they are no excuses for not showing a bit of passion and desire.

Now you may well have a low libido, but that doesn't negate the fact that I have a libido too.

I don't see why I should go without simply because you don't feel like it.

What am I, a machine?

Just as you don't like being poked in the chest with this now and then, I hate looking at you - all the time - wanting you - all the time - and not being able to have you - all the time.

 

What's fair here?

Why should I suppress my natural desire to have sex with you?

Why the hell do I feel like I have to walk on egg-shells here?

Why should I??

 

Or words to that effect......

[AugustFool]

This is an elephant in the room. You're both tip-toeing around the issue.

 

I'm afraid you're going to need to take the bull by the horns, and deliver a strong, no-nonsense, unambiguous message.

 

I need some loving. I like having sex, and I want to have sex with you.

We all have stress, pressure and worries in our lives, but they are no excuses for not showing a bit of passion and desire.

Now you may well have a low libido, but that doesn't negate the fact that I have a libido too.

I don't see why I should go without simply because you don't feel like it.

What am I, a machine?

Just as you don't like being poked in the chest with this now and then, I hate looking at you - all the time - wanting you - all the time - and not being able to have you - all the time.

 

What's fair here?

Why should I suppress my natural desire to have sex with you?

Why the hell do I feel like I have to walk on egg-shells here?

Why should I??

 

Or words to that effect......

 

Yup, HHNF, you pretty much just quoted my fantasy diatribe. Have you been in my head? But were I to deliver that speech, all it will do is make him feel defensive and send him into his clam-shell and I end up feeling like scary, raging harpy with my needs still unmet.

 

And Kendrick - somehow i edited this out of my original post: MC is not an option at the moment. we just ended it 3 mos ago for $$ reasons and with the job cut it's even less of an option.

 

In our 1+ year of MC we never really took the sex issue head on. He (my H) thinks of sex as a secondary indicator in a relationship - not an issue in itself - and he always wanted to use the time to address other issues. The funny thing is, we spent very little time in counseling talking about US. And our MC didn't seem to have a problem with that. We talked about our relationships with our kids, our parents, our friends -- current and former - but only after we'd had a fight or something would we ever take on our own communication/relationship head on.

 

And we did talk about sex some in MC - but, to be honest, I think it actually made our therapist a little uncomfortable! maybe I'm projecting, but the dude would actually giggle.

 

To address other q's:

 

He does look at porn on his phone -- I don't know if he "uses" it. I think he's more defensive about it than he needs to be. i rarely ask about it and only when i think i may be making assumptions about boundaries that merit some clarification (e.g. "i'm assuming you never go into chat rooms...is that a fair assumption?").

 

he used to be on meds but no more. I used to think that the anti-depressant he took was the problem but he stopped taking it almost 3 yrs ago. I haven't pressured him to go to the doctor about his sex drive bc, yeah...well...i'm afraid to frame it as a problem and telling him to go to the doctor is definitely going to be taken as "you think there's something wrong with me."

 

So - there was one time in our recent past when I felt like we had the kind of sex-life that I wanted. When, you ask? Yeah- this part is tough: it was when he was having an A. (yes, that's basically what we went into MC about. The whole story is very dramatic and has already been shared here on the pages of LS from the partially accurate/somewhat dishonest POV of my H's exAP!! 'nuf said...) So, his desire for another W ramped up his libido for a while. And then there was some great, fairly frequent, reconciliation sex for a while. But after that we went into low-frequency mode which he basically attributed to the emotional fall-out from the A (he lost a life-long friend as a result and has struggled with various stages of guilt and grief). Then we had a few months of things being pretty quiet, emotionally and sex being in the normal range for us (2xs/mo). but now the job cut - and we're back to "i just don't feel like it right now."

 

I'm happy to provide more info - but i'm getting the impression that people think it's just kind of "one of those things."

[mitchell]

I would strongly recommend you read The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michelle Wiener-Davis.

 

I don't normally suggest books, but this one really changed my outlook and my behaviour towards my low-libido wife.

[hellhathnofury]

If anyone's projecting, it's him.

And I hate to sound like a b*eitch here, but you're enabling him.

If he gets all "defensive and send him into his clam-shell and I end up feeling like scary, raging harpy with my needs still unmet. " then play on that. Work it. Tell him you will put up with it no more.

 

"If you insist on getting all defensive, and hiding in your clam-shell, then I will keep on at you, until I prize you out of it!!"

 

Tell him the only time you had great sex was when he'd had his affair.

What the hell was all that about?

obligation? guilt?

 

In order to break this cycle, you have to push some different buttons......

[AugustFool]

This is what came to me. The first statement about dedication to making the marriage healthy, etc., my thought was, how? I know you went to MC, but you both basically avoided the true topic for a year or better.

 

Very good and fair question, SIT. I didn't clarify very well. We are different with each other. We are much more open with each other than before the affairS, plural. (I had one too - just want you to have the honest picture...though I did not post this in infidelity because - as you said this problem was there before all that. The As just brought all the crazap out into the unavoidable open.) We are much more patient and careful not to behave judgmentally with each other. in the past, we really didn't take the sex issue head on at all - I made some lame attempts and he shut down and that would be that. Now we do talk about it and he's apologetic but seems to think that I need to just give him space. And maybe that's true. But after those conversations, I end up with this crazy longing that makes me spend 1/2 my day in tears sometimes... It's like I'm just more aware of the itch and how unscratched it is.

 

So, in part the change is a belief, but it's a necessary belief and what follows from it is each of us going a bit outside of our comfort zones to face each other. and sometimes I think "dude, you could go a little bit outside of yours on the sex issue, too..." But there's a physical reality to sex that can't be ignored. And maybe many women have just "lain back and thought of England" from time to time...but I don't think men are as willing to exert any effort if there not aroused themselves. Maybe I'm wrong. I'm not a man, so I'm lacking some degree of understanding.

 

hope that helps you understand my situation a bit more SIT.

 

mitchell - i'll check out the book. thanks!

[hellhathnofury]

It hacks me off that whenever a guy has a problem like this, more often than not (ok, not always, I grant you - but often!) the woman has to step around gingerly and use her guile and slyness to try to wrangle some feedback out of him.

 

Why is it always up to us to get them to face the issues they have?!

God it makes me so angry!

[hopesndreams]

If he isn't getting it elsewhere then he needs to pay the doctor a visit.

[AugustFool]

It hacks me off that whenever a guy has a problem like this, more often than not (ok, not always, I grant you - but often!) the woman has to step around gingerly and use her guile and slyness to try to wrangle some feedback out of him.

 

Why is it always up to us to get them to face the issues they have?!

God it makes me so angry!

 

LOL, HHNF...thanks for representing my raging sense of injustice to a tee! I feel like you and SIT are channeling my two possible responses to my issue -- you've got the foot-stomping, fist-shaking me down pat. SIT, you've got the voice of reason covered. But sometimes when I try to approach him in a way that anyone would think was fair reasonable, I still end up with him defensive and me blathering inarticulately in a voice that sounds more whiny and petulant than a grown woman should sound.

 

I'm going to read the book mitchell suggested. I should probably ask my H if he's satisfied with our sex life, as is. (Fair question, right?) He already knows I want more than i'm getting - I think he just hopes that he doesn't have to face it directly. It's true I've contributed to the reality I'm in, but that doesn't mean I just have to roll-over and take if for the next 30 years or so, does it? But for now? well, I'm going to leave him alone on this for 2 weeks because the man just got gut-kicked and, shoot, he deserves some space.

 

I'll take anymore input anyone has to offer, in the meantime, though!

[Kendrick]

"Also, when you're in a partnership with someone, their issues are your issues in a sense. One can only fix our own problems, but when they affect another, it is in that other's best interest to help find a solution don't you think"

 

Love this, so true!

[2sunny]

when you went to MC for his affair - what was determined to be the CAUSE of his affair? was it ever resolved within him?

 

if it wasn't - then you both have some digging to do - and he could easily be suspect to additional affairs as well if he doesn't resolve what was missing that caused him to take such hurtful action to your marriage.

 

what got resolved and why did he have the affair?

[giotto]

It hacks me off that whenever a guy has a problem like this, more often than not (ok, not always, I grant you - but often!) the woman has to step around gingerly and use her guile and slyness to try to wrangle some feedback out of him.

 

Why is it always up to us to get them to face the issues they have?!

God it makes me so angry!

 

funny, I thought you were describing my wife...

[giotto]

I'll take anymore input anyone has to offer, in the meantime, though!

 

input from a male who's been in a mismatched libido marriage for 20 years (wife being the low libido spouse): there is NO solution. Everything you do will have some kind of skewed effect. If he doesn't comply, you get angry and you will make things worse. If he complies, you'll think you are forcing him to do it, even if he seems ok with it. It won't feel natural. The problem is there and you can't solve it because you can't solve low libido. This if he really has low libido...

 

I don't really get couple who have affairs and then stay together. Something's seriously broken in the relationship...

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Any children, ages???? Again you made your bed (little sex before marriage, now worse) now sleep in it....... I don't get it.... Most men here have the same story..... Good sex life prior to marriage, then kids, wife goes into mommy mode, leaving you at the bottom of the "to do" list..... Different degrees, but generally the same events.....

 

Now what I find funny is that when a woman posts, both men and women defend their right to have more sex and unequivocally blame the male and in many cases ridicule him. There is no questioning of the woman and whether she is pulling her weight at home, doing chores, bringing home money, being emotionally there for him..... And please don't even as a male dare say whether she has put on weight or remained sexy, because you will be deemed a mysogynistic jerk.....

 

Us males are happy to turn on any male lacking in testosterone or whatever who does not want sex 4X's/day......;)

 

Sorry but you knew the issue from the outset and ignored it...... Very little to do now except demand counseling, a physical and hope you get back to the 1X/wk that was your courting phase.....

[2sunny]

 

Sorry but you knew the issue from the outset and ignored it...... Very little to do now except demand counseling, a physical and hope you get back to the 1X/wk that was your courting phase.....

 

this really doesn't hold much water when he showed evidence of a stronger sex drive while he was having his affair...

 

OP, has your H talked openly about his sex drive being stronger while having the affair? did he discuss what motivated his desire level being higher and how you could maintain that desire without the affair being present.

 

seems he has a mind over matter case... when the desire is there - he participates more frequently... how to access that desire without the need for the affair... that seems to be what's needed.

 

do you both role play, dress up or explore some fun things that may get him and his imagination moving in a positive direction?

[luvstarved]

First of all, I don't know of any guys in any situation that will look at porn and not "use" it. OF COURSE he uses it.

 

Second of all, I don't think it is a libido mismatch. The affair and phone porn contraindicate that.

 

There is an emotional disconnect somewhere. He doesn't really want YOU sexually for some reason. He feels pressured, maybe guilty, maybe depressed, maybe resentful of your A in a way he has not expressed, he has the hots for someone else, maybe just feeling it isn't worth the "hassle"...??? I don't know what it is, you don't seem to know what it is, and it is hard to get to when he just gets defensive.

 

Maybe you should try a letter in which you simply state that you just want to understand his point of view in this situation and see if you two can work out something that is enough for both of you. I say a letter because then you can review what you say carefully to make sure you come across as loving, keeping out the anger and resentment, and also be completely heard without being cut off with his defensiveness.

[EnigmasMuse]

"There is an emotional disconnect somewhere. He doesn't really want YOU sexually for some reason".

 

I have to wonder, if this statement above is actually what is going on in alot of these marriages where sex is lacking or none at all.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Hello folks.

 

 

When we were first together, it was probably once a week. It quickly tapered off. For a long time, I just kind of told myself it was okay. But, truthfully, it wasn't and I just kept suppressing my desire until my repressed emotion just turned into anger and resentment.

 

 

Even at the beginning it was only 1X/wk..... Missed the affair post, but that says little to me (too jaded???). 1X/wk was it from the onset, so either he just does not want sex too much or is just not that into you......

[2sunny]

"There is an emotional disconnect somewhere. He doesn't really want YOU sexually for some reason".

I have to wonder, if this statement above is actually what is going on in alot of these marriages where sex is lacking or none at all.

 

i agree. are you the controlling type? sometimes when the wife is super controlling the H stops the sex because it seems that's the ONLY thing he may actually have control over - and uses it as a punishment (albeit it passively) or a weapon or uses it as manipulation...

 

either way he creates the delusion that he may actually be in charge by with holding the sex.

 

either way, he's selfish and not considering your feelings or needs in that moment when you feel you need and desire him.

 

IF he's unwilling to give you what would make you happy, would he have a problem with you getting what you need outside the M? by that i mean - with his approval... if he loves you and knows you need this in order to be happy - and understands he's unwilling to provide it for you - he shouldn't have a problem with you getting what he won't give you from someone else... so long as it doesn't infringe upon your marriage and commitment to each other.

[Honorable_Venerable]

On the one hand...

i agree. are you the controlling type? sometimes when the wife is super controlling the H stops the sex because it seems that's the ONLY thing he may actually have control over -

 

But at the same time...

 

he's selfish and not considering your feelings or needs in that moment when you feel you need and desire him.

 

So apparently super-controlling by one partener is OK, but if the other partner tries to regain control, they're selfish? No

wonder people have trouble:lmao:

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Yes I look at these posts as a male that I am.... I believe what the woman says and frankly blame the male and wonder why any male does not want to have more sex..... But here we know it was only 1X/wk at its peak..... So there were issues from day one.

 

From there I just shake my head at all the women who post and 100% blame the man and not once question the woman in these situations.....

 

When a man posts as to his sex woes, the women continually ask him and make comments as to what he could/has been doing wrong and defending or making excuses for the woman and her lack of libido...... Always the same and yes could be very valid..... However this same tact where 100% of people support the woman (men and women) whose partner is not pulling his share and the lukewarm, response to men who complain about there low-libido spouses/partners is very apparent.