Why doesn't my husband want sex?

[AugustFool]

Thanks for keeping the dialogue going in my absence.

 

I have to say, TDP, that I find your position a bit of a head-scratcher. Sure, I knew who I was marrying, but as I said, I repressed my desire more than I am now willing to do -- more than I think was healthy for either of us. So, are you saying that if a person's level of interest in sex changes at any point in their adult life, they just have to suck it up because it wasn't articulated in the original marriage contract? People's libidos change all the time -- due to hormones, stress, diet, age...I'm not saying that their partner has to instantly adjust to these changes accordingly - but I think a good partner will take that under consideration and try to work with her/his partner to identify ways that they can both feel safe and satisfied. But I don't know if I should invest too much in your opinion since you seem rather intent on saying rather mean-spirited things (my husband's "not that into me," huh? -- what a helpful comment...dude - he's not my promdate - he's my spouse.)

 

2sunny, we did address the ramped up sex-drive during the affair -- i'm not sure i'm completely satisfied with the answer. He credited it to a sort of "reckless openness" that he was experiencing at the time. He's never been a huge emotional risk-taker, but his affair was one big emotional risk. Of course, we've explored the causes of both of our affairs. And, yes, I think there's a relationship between his low-level of interest and his emotional tentativeness. I think he really feels vulnerable when he has sex and i think that's a big reason why he has almost no desire when he has other big stressers, but I don't know if that's enough to explain the low-frequency the rest of the time.

 

I guess I'd just like to see us be able to be that active without him going to some emotionally reckless extreme in another corner of his life (e.g. like during the affair)

 

And here's an important update: we had sex once this weekend. it was awesome.

 

In response to other questions: we have 2 school-age kids and no, I don't think i'm super-controlling. Just controlling enough

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Thanks for keeping the dialogue going in my absence.

 

I have to say, TDP, that I find your position a bit of a head-scratcher. Sure, I knew who I was marrying, but as I said, I repressed my desire more than I am now willing to do -- more than I think was healthy for either of us. So, are you saying that if a person's level of interest in sex changes at any point in their adult life, they just have to suck it up because it wasn't articulated in the original marriage contract? People's libidos change all the time -- due to hormones, stress, diet, age...I'm not saying that their partner has to instantly adjust to these changes accordingly - but I think a good partner will take that under consideration and try to work with her/his partner to identify ways that they can both feel safe and satisfied. But I don't know if I should invest too much in your opinion since you seem rather intent on saying rather mean-spirited things (my husband's "not that into me," huh? -- what a helpful comment...dude - he's not my promdate - he's my spouse.)

 

 

If you have read numerous threads here the issue is that if at the beginning of the relationship sex is sporadic, it is quite a leap to expect it to increase after marriage (much less once there are children).....

 

Heck I missed the affair and that I find truly quizzical, how a man with low libido at home goes searching (or lands in) an affair.

 

So ignore my post, I was just giving my opinion, which I expect the majority here will agree with (about quantity over a time period).

[xxoo]

I have to say, TDP, that I find your position a bit of a head-scratcher. Sure, I knew who I was marrying, but as I said, I repressed my desire more than I am now willing to do -- more than I think was healthy for either of us. So, are you saying that if a person's level of interest in sex changes at any point in their adult life, they just have to suck it up because it wasn't articulated in the original marriage contract? People's libidos change all the time -- due to hormones, stress, diet, age...I'm not saying that their partner has to instantly adjust to these changes accordingly - but I think a good partner will take that under consideration and try to work with her/his partner to identify ways that they can both feel safe and satisfied.

 

It is true that people change, and needs change...but that isn't the reality here. The truth is you've never been ok with your sex life, but tried to convince yourself that you were. You were dishonest wtih yourself and him when you said you were ok with your sex life all along.

 

It makes me wonder--what has he been dishonest about all these years? (dishonest to you, and, most of all, dishonest with himself).

 

2sunny, we did address the ramped up sex-drive during the affair -- i'm not sure i'm completely satisfied with the answer. He credited it to a sort of "reckless openness" that he was experiencing at the time. He's never been a huge emotional risk-taker, but his affair was one big emotional risk. Of course, we've explored the causes of both of our affairs. And, yes, I think there's a relationship between his low-level of interest and his emotional tentativeness. I think he really feels vulnerable when he has sex and i think that's a big reason why he has almost no desire when he has other big stressers, but I don't know if that's enough to explain the low-frequency the rest of the time.

 

He seems to be saying (in words, as well as actions) that he has intimacy issues.....that he is uncomfortable combining a deeply initimate relationship with a deeply sexual relationship. The only time he's been deeply sexual with you is when he was emotionally detached due to the affair. I think, considering the fact that you've both engaged in affairs, gone through MC and reconciliation, and he is STILL struggling with this issue, this is unlikely to change in your relationship. You both went into this relationship with some considerable issues (his intimacy issues, your issues that drove you to accept a low-sex relationship). Maybe time for you each to live apart and get some IC?

[carhill]

OP, I'll throw in .02...

 

When I had my affair, my libido increased because I was getting something from the A that I wasn't getting in the M and it was and is a major component of how *I'm* wired for sexual desire. I was getting (and giving) intimacy; elemental emotional and spiritual connection and expression. For some men it's big tits or a nice ass or sexual variety. Your H has/had his own unique mix of 'reasons' to make such a poor choice, as did you, as did I.

 

Once my wife (now -ex) and I could clearly see we were mismatched in that way, we decided together to divorce. We didn't see that mismatch when we got married because we had grown and changed during our marriage, and, retrospectively, it was likely always there, but we didn't perceive it nor assign it significant value. Henceforth, now, she can have more sex (the primary area where I failed her, in her words) with a man who desires intimacy from her in a way which is compatible with her psychology and I could seek out a woman who met my emotional and libidinous needs. MC was the best use of money I've ever spent and I spent some of my retirement to pay for it. If you want something (clarity in our case) bad enough, you find a way.

 

What is your biggest fear, right now, this minute, wrt yourself and your marriage? Don't include your husband in any way in your answer. This is about your fears. You know you have them. We just haven't talked about them yet.

 

xxoo's posts really speak to me. There's good reason why she's been in a long and successful marriage. I can tell she *feels* it. There is a difference. Good luck

[hellhathnofury]

Both posts are perceptive and hit the nail on the head.

I wanted to offer something similar but didn't feel it appropriate because I've only been here 5 minutes. Who needs that from a newbie, lol.....

But it's pretty on target, what they said.

[2sunny]

since you want change - and are here asking a few questions - what are you willing to change in order to get different results from daily living?

 

are you willing to ask your husband to invoke changes into your life that could make things different, even better?

 

if you try new and different methods along the way - you may find that some things bring results you are both happy with.

 

some of these ideas may include different methods of communicating, schedule changes, different dress patterns to seduce or satisfy/stimulate a spouse, role play, games to stretch the imagination, writing exercises to stimulate honesty between both of you, risk taking actions and such.

 

of course, it's designed to force each of you to become more vulnerable while trusting at the same time. it will feel uncomfortable along the way - that's the idea! if you are uncomfortable at first, you are both growing! this is good! growing can be very painful - but it's so worth it!

 

so, at this point, it seems it's all about change. how much are you two willing to change?

[addicted2love]

We are rowing the same boat girlfriend! I can't believe how similar our situations are, it's almost like you're writing my story. The only difference is it sounds like you get some attention/affection even if it doesn't lead to sex. I get none at all. I've tried EVERYTHING I can think of..I feel like I'm beating my head against a wall!

 

 

My girlfriends don't understand. They have husbands who want sex too much. Let me know if you'd be interested in communicating with me, I could sure use a friend who knows what I'm going through. I tried to send you a private message but it wouldn't work for some reason.

Thanks

A2L

Edited October 14, 2010 by addicted2love