Forgive and forget???

[TUMBLEWEED]

This is about my mother. From the time I was very little she used to have men over and they would have loud sex in the house. I was an only child, with a drop-out father, and all the sex noises would make me feel bad for some reason. I hated it. She was engaged to an alcoholic who didn't seem to like me much for a couple of years. This was when I was 6 and she used to leave me with him for long periods of time. I don't remember that 2 years of my childhood. I've blocked it out.

 

She never, ever used to clean the house. We got kicked out of one of our apartments for it being too messy. And when I say messy, it wasn't just cluttered, it was filthy. I can remember maggots on the countertop from her not cleaning it one time. I could never had friends over because I was so ashamed. I was a very lonely child.

 

Fast forward to more recent times. I was in an abusive relationship and had to leave. She said that I could come live with her. She said that she missed me and needed me and I needed her too. Or so I thought. AFTER I moved all my stuff in, I found out she was dating another tenant in the building. He is a rampant crystal meth user. He lived directly above my bedroom and used to make tons of noise until around 7 in the morning, in spite of numerous requests for him to stop. He actually got MUCH louder when we asked him to keep it down. I worked at a bank and had to rise early. It was really hard on me. THEN when I was at work one day my mom called and said that she found a bunch of my belongings IN his room. She was calling me AT WORK to ask me why there were there. I was dumbfounded. And angry with her for even asking such a question. He had broken into my room while I was at work and stolen things from my room. Weird things too. Letters from friends, photos, etc. Also, he got my mom to try crystal meth which she only just admitted to me. She said she only did it once which I don't really believe. I could not believe what I was hearing. She had gone downhill pretty fast after meeting him. I don't know if she and him still use. Needless to say, I ended up having to get out of there ASAP and it only added stress to my already mounting depression from my breakup. It was so hard on me.

 

Anyways, this whole thing saddens me very much. My mom moved out to a town pretty far from me and we hardly ever talk anymore. I have never even been to her house. Because she lives with him. Which I felt was a HUGE betrayal on her part considering his actions which I only skimmed the surface on. I ignore many of her calls and when this baby is born don't plan on letting her see him very often. I feel ashamed of her and I don't trust her anymore really which breaks my heart. This all happened 4 years ago but our relationship hasn't been the same since. She doesn't work or take care of herself so I can't be sure she's changed.

 

SO MY QUESTION: Do you think I'm being too hard on her?? I know she won't be around forever and in spite of everything she's all I've ever had and I do love her deeply. I just don't like her at all. And I have so much resentment toward her. Would you/could you go on and forgive everything in the past?? I don't know where else to turn for opinions. No one I know has ever had to deal with any kind of major family issues.

 

Thanks for reading.

[Not the love ace]

I'm all too familiar with major family issues. My mother married a perverted, abusive (physically and mentally),immature A-hole who also molested me and my sister and like your mothers boyfriend; he used to collect her stuff. Like pictures, panties etc.

 

The guy has since moved and left our family but hasn't left my mother. My mom is still in love with the guy and see's him on a regular basis but acts like we don't know. I still live with her but plan on moving out because I'm tired of the BS.

 

In the end I think you can forgive, don't forget but keep your distance. If you know what I mean.

[TUMBLEWEED]

Thanks for your advice and sorry that you're having to deal with this too. ((hugs)) to you.

 

I have decided that I will give myself boundaries from her and not feel guilty about it anymore. It isn't my fault that she does the things she does. And it's not my fault she lives this way. I have to do what's best for me and my future child and cannot have a normal relationship with her. That's just the way it is.

 

Feel free to chat with me if you need anyone to talk to as I have a good understanding of the pain and frustration you're dealing with.

[Not the love ace]

Thanks for your advice and sorry that you're having to deal with this too. ((hugs)) to you.

 

I have decided that I will give myself boundaries from her and not feel guilty about it anymore. It isn't my fault that she does the things she does. And it's not my fault she lives this way. I have to do what's best for me and my future child and cannot have a normal relationship with her. That's just the way it is.

 

Feel free to chat with me if you need anyone to talk to as I have a good understanding of the pain and frustration you're dealing with.

 

 

No problem and I'm actually sorry that I complained about my issues.You're right, in the end you can't have a normal relationship. You have to set boundaries and keep her at a distance.

 

I hope things go well for you and your baby and that you can bring her a much happier childhood and life than what you had. Be the mother to her that you're mother never was. *hugs*

[turnera]

A child is NEVER responsible for relationships with her parents. You would really benefit from going to Alanon meetings.

[True Love]

I totally agree with your point of view, a child cannot be held responsible for their actions.