Masturbation and my relationship...

[emmalee]

Ok, so let me just start off with:

I know masturbation is normal for men and women.

 

But when does it cross a line?

 

I have been with my partner for 2 years and we have a 3month old son together.

I am very upset with how our relationship is going, but feel like I have to make this work fo our son.

Basically the problem is that my boyfriend masturbates, and goes to alot of effort to do so.

I was working while I was pregnant & my bf and I would leave at the same time for work(he would drop me off first). I started noticing the house was a bit different when I got home, drinks gone, things moved etc.

I looked around and found a stash of porn hidden in the kitchen.

I left the dvd remotes in a certain spot, and when I got home they had moved.

So obviously my bf was dropping me off at work, coming all the way home to masturbate, then going to work.

 

I was very hurt by this, as he would not have sex with me in the morning before we left.

 

So now Im a stay at home mum, I am back to my post pregnancy weight.

 

But he still masturbates!!

He waits for me to fall asleep and then either does it next to me in bed or uses the internet on his phone to do it in the bathroom.

 

 

Please someone explain why he does this.

I know, I know, masturbation is 'different to sex' and 'eaiser' but seriously is it that neccessary to reject me, cause a fight just to masturbate.

 

I beg him to stop, he either denies it or says I only do it when your not home.

He also won't go anywhere with me anymore, he jumps at every chance to be alone.

 

I feel so sad and depressed, I just want to have sex! I would have left him a long time ago, but I am trying so hard to make this work for the sake of our son.

 

I try my hardest to stay awake so he wont do it, I try to make him cum as good as I can, but I will give him head and go to sleep, only to wake up and see has masturbated.

 

I went to the sex shop and bought a 200 school girl outfit to please him.

 

Nothing I do works, he still masturbates no matter how much I cry, plead, yell, bargain.

[TigerCub]

Did this start when you got pregnant? Sometimes men have a hard time seeing a woman as sexual once she becomes the mother of his children. You might look into that possibility.

 

Great point.

That's exactly what I was going to say.

I've heard that from my guy friends who have kids.

They end up seeing their wives/girlfriends, whatever, as mothers.

 

Its totally F'd up.

 

Another suggestion for you: Don't try so hard. I realize that you're very frustrated, and I totally understand why.

But here you are, taking care of his kid, most likely doing the chores in the house, giving him head just so he wont masturbate, and you actually go as far as to BEG him not to do it.

 

That's not helping you regain the sexy image he may have had for you before.

 

I'm sorry, I'm really not trying to sound mean, I know that you're already frustrated and feel rejected. I just don't think the begging and the trying so hard is going to get you anywhere.

 

You would probably accomplish more by having him watch the kid some nights as you go out with your friends. Show him that you're reclaiming your life, that you're not just a mother, and that you're a hottie that has a life outside the house.

Then stop chasing after him, and he'll chase after you.

 

Good luck to you.

[InternationalPlayboy]

I will try to help from a man's perspective.

 

Guys masturbate - a lot. From about 11 years old to 34 or 35 I'm pretty sure I masturbated every single day. That's not much of a exaggeration. If I missed a day here and there, I more than made up for it on those other days when I went for three or four or five times. Even when I had a girlfriend or eventually a wife, I still found time. I wouldn't be surprised if I'm in the Guinness Book of World Records.

 

But eventually, masturbation - though still great and fun and AWESOME - lost it's overwhelming appeal. I still masturbate but only a fraction of what I once did. Twice a week maybe? Once?

 

I'm guessing at some point he'll see that masturbation and porn though affective for certain situations, ultimately is a dead-end and cannot be relied upon to provide real pleasure.

 

At least he's letting you know he's up for it by doing it in front of you or next to you as you sleep. He clearly feels comfortable around you and must love you even though it's a pretty unique way of showing it.

 

I wish you luck.

[BellaBellaBella]

As a woman, I find it exicting when my husband masterbates. I don't care about him watching porn. I think it is exicting to watch him and see his face and hear his sounds. I don't find it insulting.

 

Maybe tell him your interested in watching and see what he says. Try not to take it as personal to you. Have you offered sex and had him turn you down then woken up while he masterbates? That would be hurtful and would call for a conversation from me.

 

Lots of guys think of masterbation as scartching an itch. My husband does it most when he travels, he says he needs it to sleep better.

 

Bella

[Spark1111]

Oh boy!

 

I agree. Some men really suffer from the madonna/whore complex. They cannot equate a woman who is now a mother as being a sexual being.

 

Big mistake. Did he have a very strict, religious background? Is his mother rigid and controlling?

 

Because to have a loving willing woman in your bed while you look at porn or then masturbate alone is truly a travesty. It boggle the mind! It says volumes about his intimacy issues.

 

Reclaim your sexuality! Without him!

 

Go out with your girlfriends, develop interests outside of him and the baby. Be a strong, interesting woman. Start looking at porn yourself, if need be.

 

Get a vibrator and enjoy it. Try to ignore him. When you feel more sexual, you will be less dependent on this man's ritual of excludng you from his personal sex life.

 

Matrimony means you TRY to please your partner! Before yourself.

 

To masturbate when you have a partner desirous of you sexually is his issue, not your's.

 

Do NOT let it make you insecure. You regain your sexual confidence by whatever means necessary.

 

And maybe suggest he cut down on the porn. In some instances, it DESENSITIZES certain men to their living, breathing partners. It can be chemical, and a lot has been written about it.

[Art_Critic]

Are you on Birth Control?

[luvstarved]

1) It crosses the line when it changes from supplement to substitute and/or adversely affects the sexual relationship

 

2) If it bugs you, "asking to watch" is probably not a solution. Many people are not bothered by it or are turned on by it, but that does not make you one of them. Don't respond in a way that does not feel true to your feelings.

 

3) You should not let it make you insecure or take it personally, however, don't think reclaiming your sexuality on your own is much of a solution either. Threatening to might have some impact!

 

4) The Madonna/whore thing could be at play. Desensitized to a real woman could be at play. Inevitable boredom of LTR could be at play. Another thing that could be at play that I have not seen mentioned: what do you know about his sexual history? Many guys have a history with porn and frequent masturbation that isn't known by their SOs but comes rearing back when any of these other factors kick in.

 

I SOOOOO sympathize with you. I went sexless for years while my H merrily jerked off every morning like a toothbrushing ritual. Over time, I realized his sexual history was mostly masturbation, having been one of those guys who just bailed from relationships when the sex got boring or the woman became an emotional pain in the a** and went long long stretches of self-satisfaction.

 

It's a hard habit to break - yes, the endless variety, the simplicity, the lack of pressure...in some way it is understandable, but...in a marriage, it isn't acceptable.

 

It is mostly fixed in my M, not in that he does not masturbate - of course, he still does...but it no longer really interferes with our sex life, and as we have come to understand each other better, he has come to possibly even like sex with me just as much as with himself! Jury is still out on that one, but it has increased in both frequency and intensity...

 

The way it was fixed took years, but has been worth it. It basically involved getting rid of the porn, and constantly communicating in a simple, non-judgmental, non-clingy/whiny way that you want a truly intimate relationship and that if he is not interested in working on that, then you are out of there. I always told my H that I did not want him to try to be something he is not, but if he was something that prevented ME from having a healthy sex life, I could not be with him. Just like if he were gay..."well, OK, you are who you are...that's fine but I can't stay married to you in that case"...

 

Some guys will tell you, oh porn is just a harmless little diversion, doesn't mean anything. It DOES mean something. I get that it does not mean that your man wants to run off into the sunset with the object of his fantasies, he's just getting off, but it DOES desensitize a guy to a real woman, with all her pesky needs and imperfections. I realize some guys can just look once in a while and not have it affect their real sex life. But, this does not seem to be the case with you.

 

Bottom line, you have to talk with him about this in a "we have a problem and have to determine if it is fixable" way. Trying to compete with porn with outfits and tricky techniques is at best a very short-term solution and at worst pathetic and degrading. He has to give a crap about your needs and feelings and show willingness to work with you on this issue. And you need to have a tremendous amount of patience, understanding that it will be difficult for him, and will take a lot of time and communication to fix.

 

It took YEARS to fix in my marriage, but it has been worth it. Things are not where I would "ideally" have them (if I had my way, we'd have sex every day and he'd never have a sexual thought about anyone but me - but har de har har) but we do now have a good sex life - way more intimate, loving, frequent!, and ... comfortable. If it weren't for residual resentment of that whole sexless phase, I'd have no issue at all...now I do still have some knee-jerk pissitude when I know he has been masturbating, but at this point, I think that's more my problem than his.

 

It's a long and difficult process, that I believe can be achieved IF your husband is willing to put in the work and you are both able to treat each other with love and understanding.

 

Wish you the best, I know how tough it is...