Getting over girl I work with

[andys]

This is a tough one. I massively fell for a girl I work with earlier in the year, I actually found myself thinking of her all the time, and I got the impression she felt the same. I asked her out one day, and we started dating for a month, were sleeping together, cuddling, kissing all the time, she told me she's never had as much fun with anyone as me. She also admitted she had been thinking about me 24/7 for months too, and checking my facebook "stalking me".

 

Sadly I got a bit too invested and became clingy, she at first thought it was cute, but as time went on it turned her off me, and she dumped me, saying she just didn't think something worked between us.

 

At the time though, she was on a dating website, also going speeddating with her friends, so it made me feel insecure, I know we were just dating I guess, but I wanted more. I also found out she was seeing a guy from a dating site at the same time, but she lied to me about that until after we split. She said he was just a friend at first, when we split she admitted she met him on cupid, and she still sees him, not sure if it's him she's seeing now.

 

She dumped me around a month ago now but I'm still pining for her all the time. I went NC for a few weeks and she kept contacting me, I was a bit cold to her at work and she'd always come and say hi still. In the last week I've opened up a bit more to her and we've been having fun together, flirting a lot, she keeps making excuses to come and see me.

 

Thing is though, her habits have changed, she's hardly ever on facebook or msn any more, she comes into work without her car, and I noticed today her dating profile has been set to hidden. I know this sounds massively stalkerish, but I get the impression she's with someone else now.

 

All the signs point to it, she hardly has any friends, and suddenly she's going to the cinema few times a week, coming into work wearing yesterday's clothes and her hair in a plat, like she's been out all night. She seems a lot less available in the last 2 weeks.

 

I tried talking to her today and she seemed quite disinterested. But in the office last week she was joking and saying she's living the typical single life.

 

I think I need to get over her, but how do I do it when every time I see her at work it sets me back to day one? I'm also kicking myself that I ruined things by coming on too strong, and now it's likely she has a new guy, seems any opportunity I had has gone, I was thinking of asking her out again now it's been a month, but all the signs suggest she is dating someone and probably exclusively.

Edited October 8, 2010 by andys

[andys]

Hmmn no advice?

[seibert253]

Find a new job. In your own words you say everytime you see her you're back to square one. Understandable. Time and distance are they only tried and true methods to heal a broken heart. In your current situation you have neither and never will.

[andys]

I love my job though, and I've been here longer than her, that sucks if leaving is my only option It might be easier if she didn't still come and talk to me and flirt with me though, she goes really hot/cold, some days won't leave me alone and next day cold/disinterested.

 

I either want to get over her, or want another shot with her, but I don't know how either way.

[andys]

I suppose I need to stop playing the dumb hot/cold game with her too. It's stupid, if I don't contact her for few days she'll say hi on msn and then we chat and then that's it, then i might contact her one evening, like we take turns once or twice a week at home on a night. We both try and play it cool, but it's been going on for like a month now.

 

I could just force myself not to look at her facebook (today is the first day I haven't!) and block her from msn/not sign in to avoid temptation. I miss her though

[andys]

Well thanks for the advice Seibert, if it's the only way, I'll write out my resignation letter this weekend, and see how I feel monday

[Weekender]

What sort of job is it that you cross paths with her so often? Couldn't you just as easily take a week of vacation and try to clear your head?

 

I have to be honest, but it sounds as if she was temporarily using you if she was really doing the speed dating and dating sites at the same time as your relationship.

 

This girl's a selfish little twit; don't let her run you out of a job that you like. In time when you look back, even though it is hard now, you will see that she inadvertently did you a favor; this one is not a keeper and the poor fool she's with now will see that for himself eventually. Think of it, you said she comes to flirt with you even though you see signs she is in a relationship with someone else.

 

Some people are like hurricanes; they blow through our lives fast and furious and leave destruction in their wake. Go back to NC. If she contacts you at work be polite but dry. Just my opinion.

[Trovador]

I am on the same boat as you. I work with my ex too. She fell hard for me but suddenly she got cold (even cruel) and distanced herself from me. I did everything in the book, pleading, NC, feigning indifference, refusing to be friends, being friends... you name it... nothing I did worked out, until now... I realized I had to get her out of my life and don't care about her...

 

We are friends now. Or that she believes. I don't do anything for the so called friendship. I don't call, text or go out of my way to see her. Before, when she disappeared on me, I had ways of making her know that I was disatisfied with that. Now, if she doesn't call I couldn't care less, because that's the true or at least how I feel. In sum, I don't do anything and the only way for us to talk is if she calls me.

 

Guess what, she has been calling me a lot and being more personal with me. It has helped that I try to be the funny and interesting guy she fell in love with at first. I intend to let her only good memories of me. Because I am moving on. I am doing this because NC is almost impossible at work and I discovered I spent all the time thinking of her.

 

I can safely say that I don't care about her anymore. And I suspect that is the main reason she is again interested in me, or that is what it seems. Also, a bit of jealousy has helped, as I've been talking to other girls and she has noticed it.

 

She even has complained about my indifference. And while it may sound as if I am boasting about the changes in our dynamics, I really don't care. That's the key. I really don't care. I am not playing games or tricks or strategies. I simply want to be happy again, without her. I don't want her back and I don't want to be friends. Simply.

 

I think that's the difference. In other instances, you feign desinterest, as when you answer back after some hours when you, in reality, wanted to do it immediately. Or feign you have to hang up the phone but actually you gladly would talk to her for hours. I can assure you that if I had done that I would be hurting as I was before.

 

I don't feign anything. If I want to hang up I do it. If I want to keep talking I do it. But as days go by, I realize I do more the former than the latter. I don't think about her as I did before. But as I said, I don't do anything for the friendship. Or better said, I didn't do anything for the friendship, because in my mind all has ended already. I don't care about her anymore, I don't want her back, I don't want remain friends...

 

Funny, if you want a woman to be interested in you, you must don't care about her at all, but if you don't care about her why would you want her to be interested in you?

 

It's like a Murphys Law joke or something: if you want a loan, you must demonstrate that you don't need it...

 

You can get over her without quitting your job... it's a shame we men do a lot of reprobable things because of a woman...

[SadGirl23]

wow, that totally sucks! I probably would of been a mess if I worked with my ex. #1 rule) don't mix pleasure with work! you won't have to deal with the bs.. I would never date anyone from work even if I really liked them. Just seems very awkward.

 

I think it's pretty stupid to leave a job that is already hard enough to find with the way the economy had been. So I would suggest you stay.

 

But unlike most dumpees who don't work with their ex, you will just have to really TRY your best to move on. I don't know how long its been since your break up but give it some time. Eventually, you won't even bother anymore. I ended up working with a ex, but surprisingly, I no longer had feelings for him. Just got to give it time. Go NC which is totally focusing on you moving on without her. Delete her number, facebook/chat, box up her pictures, and anything of her and just worry about you. You don't need to go out and date, but just focus on things that are fun like going out with your friends, playing a sport. Something that could keep your mind off her. You will eventually not think about her as much.. It seems impossible now, but believe me, one day you will snap out of it.

Edited October 10, 2010 by SadGirl23

[Trovador]

Not to sound negative, but few persons realize how hard is going NC with a coworker... what does it help not to call or answer when you see them on a daily basis?

Worst, when they really have the honest desire of being friends and go out of their way to show it?

 

This is my second "serious" workplace romance, after the first time I swore I never would do it again... and here I am... but if you ask me I will never do it again... ha ha...!

[andys]

Well I just resisted the temptation to look at her Facebook, "no longer listed as single" it says, I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. How am I going to cope with this?

[andys]

Not to sound negative, but few persons realize how hard is going NC with a coworker... what does it help not to call or answer when you see them on a daily basis?

Worst, when they really have the honest desire of being friends and go out of their way to show it?

 

This is my second "serious" workplace romance, after the first time I swore I never would do it again... and here I am... but if you ask me I will never do it again... ha ha...!

 

I know, she has a new guy now, I don't know who but she does. I just don't know how to deal with seeing her at work, especially as we need to work on projects together (just me and her) from time to time. I feel like never going back to work now.

[andys]

What sort of job is it that you cross paths with her so often? Couldn't you just as easily take a week of vacation and try to clear your head?

 

I have to be honest, but it sounds as if she was temporarily using you if she was really doing the speed dating and dating sites at the same time as your relationship.

 

This girl's a selfish little twit; don't let her run you out of a job that you like. In time when you look back, even though it is hard now, you will see that she inadvertently did you a favor; this one is not a keeper and the poor fool she's with now will see that for himself eventually. Think of it, you said she comes to flirt with you even though you see signs she is in a relationship with someone else.

 

Some people are like hurricanes; they blow through our lives fast and furious and leave destruction in their wake. Go back to NC. If she contacts you at work be polite but dry. Just my opinion.

 

Yeah I already tried the week off, but I'm crazy about her. All I did was think about her that week, then when I got back I'm just back to day one the moment I spoke to her. I suppose now she's "publically" declared (kind of) that she's not single anymore on Facebook, she might stop flirting with me at least.

 

I really don't know how this is going to get better for me, I hate the fact that she sucked me in and then dumped me, and now I'm left dreading work and heartbroken. Never date a co-worker, seriously.

 

I was trying to play it cool and then ask her out again next week casually, but no way can I do that now, I suppose at least I now know I stand no chance and I need to move on, but just how do I do it when I have to see her all the time? I really need some help here. So gutting she met someone now and now it's relationship status within a month too.

Edited October 10, 2010 by andys

[chocolate_boy]

Yeah I already tried the week off, but I'm crazy about her. All I did was think about her that week, then when I got back I'm just back to day one the moment I spoke to her. I suppose now she's "publically" declared (kind of) that she's not single anymore on Facebook, she might stop flirting with me at least.

 

I really don't know how this is going to get better for me, I hate the fact that she sucked me in and then dumped me, and now I'm left dreading work and heartbroken. Never date a co-worker, seriously.

 

I was trying to play it cool and then ask her out again next week casually, but no way can I do that now, I suppose at least I now know I stand no chance and I need to move on, but just how do I do it when I have to see her all the time? I really need some help here. So gutting she met someone now and now it's relationship status within a month too.

 

Wow Andy, our situations are scarily similar actually. I too was dating a work mate, for a bit longer but not too long. She also dumped me and moved onto someone new rather quickly.

 

I see now in hindsight to her I was just an "attractive" (to her) fling. I kinda shot myself in the foot by being needy and drunk a few times, but fact is there was a lot about her I didn't like. I also know she wasn't over her ex at all, as she cried when she mentioned him. Our time frames are similar too, she dumped me late August.

 

With me though, I've been single for years and she was the first girl to show any interest in me for like 3 years, so naturally I grabbed on tight, I see now she wasn't all that, there are a million girls who are as/more attractive than her, and don't have some of the off-putting features she has. It was just my ego being satisfied by someone showing interest, I didn't even find her attractive when I first met her.

 

So how have I coped? Well I'm fortunate in that I only work with her infrequently (once or twice a month at moment), but when I do we are often in all afternoon meetings together, basically you just have to keep your business head on and discuss work.

 

Outside of work, no calls/txts (delete her number now!), I kept her on Facebook, only because I didn't want to seem like her getting with a new guy bothered me, so I just hid her updates, I never see them now, and I avoid Facebook chat, or if I see her there, just ignore her (she doesn't initiate contact much, and if she does I just keep it very brief).

 

At the moment your ego/pride is bruised, she decided she didn't like you, and got someone else, you're alone, it's bound to make you feel rejected, unlovable etc. But fact is, you need to love yourself first, if you're not ready to date others, chill, do things that make you happy, just avoid ripping the scab off and checking her Facebook etc. You have your suspicions confirmed, she has a new guy so now is the time for you to put your foot down.

 

Don't ask her out again, if she rejects you you'll feel 10 times worse and she'll know you're not over her, she'll have somewhat of a smugness about her then probably. If she says yes, then you're still going to feel like crap like you did when you were dating her, you know she's involved with someone else, this girl for whatever reason does not want to commit to you.

 

Who knows what the future will bring, how long the new guy and her will last, the future is unwritten, but you need to really move on now and stop worrying about her, stop doing things to show/impress her, stop worrying what she thinks or is doing. It's time to make this about you and let her get on with her life.

 

Be strong, you're a man, you can do it. If she continues to flirt with you, just give her the cold shoulder I reckon, she'll soon feel like an idiot and stop, or it might raise her interest and make her chase you (be prepared for that, it happened to me), but chances are she's in the honeymoon stage with new guy, so her interest in you when you're not around will be very low.

[andys]

Thanks chocolateboy it's all useful advice. I am dreading work tomorrow morning though, especially as people will no doubt be asking about her new fb status. I can't seem to bring myself to delete her as everyone in the office will know I'm bitter. She made it quite public we were an item over summer.

 

I've been asked out on a date from a girl i met on a dating site this week, not sure if I should go.

 

I have now accepted I need to move on, I think asking her out again would be a bad move yeah? Is there no chance I can be with her now?

Edited October 10, 2010 by andys

[davisc123]

Andys,

 

I am in a very similar situation. I have broken up with my ex, but as we work in the same building I still see her quite a few times a week. Initially I was going nowhere because she would go out of her way to bump into me. And because I still loved her so much I couldnt help but talk to her, always giving me false hope.

 

I am currently on NC, and I am starting to feel better. I basically text her and told her that talking to her was really hard for me and it I couldn't move on because of it. I was nice to her about it and was sincere when I asked her to delete my number from her phone (she was also texting me every other day), and also to not talk to me in work. I said that it was nothing personal, but for my own sake I would be doing the same.

 

She reluctantly agreed. I say reluctantly because she was seeing somebody else at this point, and although she had no real desire to get back together with me it was comforting to her keeping me on the back burner. I just said if she still loved me like she said she did, and considered me a friend, could she help me out by leaving me alone.

 

After this she has stopped texting, but keeps hanging around trying to draw my attention. I just ignore her completely as if she doesn't exist. It's not vindictive, I'm not playing games and that's the beauty of telling her politely in advance.

 

Andys I really feel for you, I know how difficult your situation is. This worked for me and if you try it all the best.

[andys]

Andys,

 

I am in a very similar situation. I have broken up with my ex, but as we work in the same building I still see her quite a few times a week. Initially I was going nowhere because she would go out of her way to bump into me. And because I still loved her so much I couldnt help but talk to her, always giving me false hope.

 

I am currently on NC, and I am starting to feel better. I basically text her and told her that talking to her was really hard for me and it I couldn't move on because of it. I was nice to her about it and was sincere when I asked her to delete my number from her phone (she was also texting me every other day), and also to not talk to me in work. I said that it was nothing personal, but for my own sake I would be doing the same.

 

She reluctantly agreed. I say reluctantly because she was seeing somebody else at this point, and although she had no real desire to get back together with me it was comforting to her keeping me on the back burner. I just said if she still loved me like she said she did, and considered me a friend, could she help me out by leaving me alone.

 

After this she has stopped texting, but keeps hanging around trying to draw my attention. I just ignore her completely as if she doesn't exist. It's not vindictive, I'm not playing games and that's the beauty of telling her politely in advance.

 

Andys I really feel for you, I know how difficult your situation is. This worked for me and if you try it all the best.

 

Thanks for the useful advice, unfortunately though we work in the same department and I often have to work with just her a few times a week. On Friday this week her and I have to go to a client across town together, car-share etc. It's going to be hell. Luckily those ocassions are rare, I suppose like the guy before said, just have to somehow seperate business/work.

 

I'm 24 and this is the first time I've really been dumped, I've had two other long term girlfriends, but first one ended mutually, and last one just fizzled out really and we went out seperate ways, but just getting dropped right in the middle of my emotions is so hard.

 

How do you get over the regret and missed opportunty? I was crazy about her even before we dated, when I got with her it was like all my Christmases had come at once, now it's over it's like I had my perfect girl and have to see the ghost of her everyday and see her happy from another guy, it's torture

 

I keep thinking if only I'd have been more cool/chilled we'd still be together now, and still can't help wonder if there ever will be a chance? She told me she liked me for ages too, she still flirts with me and I see her checking me out, I'm sure she's still attracted to me, but I have no hope when she's getting serious with a new man have I? I had my shot, I messed it up and now I have to suffer the consequences every day.

[Trovador]

You are worrying too much, Andys, take a day at a time and as the song goes "don't let her see your tears", be strong, be the best worker in your firm, be funny, be alive!

 

Show her that what you two had was one of the best things in her life... don't make her, by being a wuss, to regret what happened between you two...

 

And over all, don't let this situation show through your work...

[andys]

You are worrying too much, Andys, take a day at a time and as the song goes "don't let her see your tears", be strong, be the best worker in your firm, be funny, be alive!

 

Show her that what you two had was one of the best things in her life... don't make her, by being a wuss, to regret what happened between you two...

 

And over all, don't let this situation show through your work...

 

You know that was my plan to try and attract her back, she fell for me first time and I wasn't even trying, but now I figure what's the point?

 

I just wish I didn't have to see her again. I do feel depressed at the moment but I am working more actually as I'm socialising less at work, I can't bear hearing her laughing and joking across the room, especially as I think she was talking about her new guy on Friday, talking about something to do with his car, and everyone in the office knows I was dumped, it's pretty humiliating.

[chocolate_boy]

How do you get over the regret and missed opportunty? I was crazy about her even before we dated, when I got with her it was like all my Christmases had come at once, now it's over it's like I had my perfect girl and have to see the ghost of her everyday and see her happy from another guy, it's torture

 

I keep thinking if only I'd have been more cool/chilled we'd still be together now, and still can't help wonder if there ever will be a chance? She told me she liked me for ages too, she still flirts with me and I see her checking me out, I'm sure she's still attracted to me, but I have no hope when she's getting serious with a new man have I? I had my shot, I messed it up and now I have to suffer the consequences every day.

 

 

Think about it this way, she failed you, not the other way around. If she was dating other guys at the same time as you and keeping it from you, then subconsciously you pick up on these things I think, most people would feel a bit insecure. She wasn't open and honest with you about what she wanted.

 

Some people like dating many people at the same time, I'm not into that, if I see a girl I want to give us a fair shot not be distracted, I think it's a bit sleazy, but the fact that she actually didn't tell you, or consciously lied about the other guy is a big red flag anyway. That she still flirts with you behind his back is too, she's not the kind of chick you want to fall in love with, trust me. Especially as you were closer to her than a random guy she met in a bar, she knew you already as a friend/coworker, she should have had more respect for your feelings.

 

If the shoe were on the other foot, would you have walked out on her? If not, then the fact is she just wasn't as into you as you hoped. Don' ever be sorry for being who you are. You just have a different set of standards to hers.

Edited October 11, 2010 by chocolate_boy

[jeff2321]

Dude she's dating another guy and even posted this information on her FB page. I hate to be blunt, but you are history. As painful as it is, you need to accept that and move on.

 

If you are in a place to date other people, do it! Then you can post your own facebook status updates just like she is.

 

Also, show no emotion hurtful emotions around her at all and pretend ( if you have to ) that your life is great and you are having a blast. She doesn't deserve to see you all torn up.

 

Oh and don't ever date a coworker again -- I had to leave a job because I dated a coworker and it didn't work out.

 

Just my .02.

 

Jeff

[Odyssey]

Hey OP, i was just dropping by LS after going off-line for months (didn't feel i needed to vent on this forum anymore, which is a great feeling). But i went through the same emotions as you guys. Long story short: my ex-gf was also a co-worker. Her long time ex. gate crash our party so to speak, stirred up old feelings for her, then we broke up.

 

OP it sound like she's seeing another guy already. That's good enough closure. It leaves you with no other choice but to start moving on. By all means, be polite and professional when you see her at work. But being friends right now will only prolong the agony.

 

Oh, take a well deserve vacation - time away from her is what you need right now.

 

Take it easy man (this roller-coaster is only temporary)...and keep posting if you feel like it - a pain shared is a pain halved, right?

[andys]

Dude she's dating another guy and even posted this information on her FB page. I hate to be blunt, but you are history. As painful as it is, you need to accept that and move on.

 

If you are in a place to date other people, do it! Then you can post your own facebook status updates just like she is.

 

Also, show no emotion hurtful emotions around her at all and pretend ( if you have to ) that your life is great and you are having a blast. She doesn't deserve to see you all torn up.

 

Oh and don't ever date a coworker again -- I had to leave a job because I dated a coworker and it didn't work out.

 

Just my .02.

 

Jeff

 

thanks jeff, yeah I know at the moment I stand no chance, and it's probably just my ego speaking when I want her to like me again. I guess I'm just pissed off because she fell for me when I was being myself, but I feel she dumped me when I wasn;t being myself, which sucks. Like I never got a real chance, and I'd liked her for so long before. It's just weird how she went from so interested to not caring in such a short space of time, almost robot-like. I don't even know who the new guy is.

 

But yeah I know I need to move on.

[andys]

Hey OP, i was just dropping by LS after going off-line for months (didn't feel i needed to vent on this forum anymore, which is a great feeling). But i went through the same emotions as you guys. Long story short: my ex-gf was also a co-worker. Her long time ex. gate crash our party so to speak, stirred up old feelings for her, then we broke up.

 

OP it sound like she's seeing another guy already. That's good enough closure. It leaves you with no other choice but to start moving on. By all means, be polite and professional when you see her at work. But being friends right now will only prolong the agony.

 

Oh, take a well deserve vacation - time away from her is what you need right now.

 

Take it easy man (this roller-coaster is only temporary)...and keep posting if you feel like it - a pain shared is a pain halved, right?

 

I suppose it is closure, I still wanted to check her facebook today for more clues on who the guy she is dating is, but I resisted. I guess now I know I'm out of the picture (before I was looking for any sign she might want to try again) I know what I need to do. I keep thinking of windows of opportunity I had to try again maybe a few weeks ago though, when she was calling me/emailing me asking why I was avoiding her. I dunno though, I guess if she liked me as much as I liked her, we'd still be together. Chances are she was always seeing this guy anyway if it's the one I think it is.

 

Today was ok because she was working in another office, so I haven't had to see her, she is tomorrow too, so it'll be Wed til I have to see her.

[Weekender]

I had my shot, I messed it up and now I have to suffer the consequences every day.

 

I don't see you as responsible here for the break up. I think she just used it as an excuse to end the relationship. A lot of young new couples are 'clingy' and all over each other in the beginning

 

Remember, she was dating other people. She was even dating a guy and flirting with you after dumping you. She has issues. Major ones. In a few weeks you will be able to more objectively see that...and I believe you will be happy to be out of her influence. But for now, avoid FB and as much contact as possible. Hang in there!