How should I handle this?

[squeaky]

I posted this in the dating forum, but didn't get any takers. It might make more sense in here.

 

I've been friends with this guy for about a year. We dated at first, but after a few dates I decided I just wanted to be friends. We've stayed friends, but he's always been flirty.

 

About two months ago we started hanging out A LOT. We would flirt constantly, with both of us making sexual comments, but him making way more. Finally I wrote him an email asking him what was up. I basically said I'd be down with hooking up, but just hanging out was fine with me (I was just kind of lukewarm about him at this point). He said he just wanted to be friends, and I was cool with that.

 

But then things changed. We started hanging out all of the time (like 3 times a week). For awhile he really cut back on the sexual comments, and I thought we were definitely just friends. But then about a month ago, he started up with them again. Since then, there's just always sexual tension. The other thing is that whenever we hang out, he always pays for me. He always wants to make sure I'm comfortable and happy. he picks me up and drives me home, and he has little nicknames for me. Last weekend I spent the whole weekend at his house, and I even slept in his bed. At one point we were goofing around and he touched my butt while we were in bed. I told him to stop because I just felt kind of shy and nervous.

 

And that's my problem. I am sending him horrible mixed signals. Every time he tries to do anything, I rebuff him. He hasn't tried to kiss me or really do anything outright recently, but whenever I get the feeling that he might try something, I kinda back away. When we first dated, he asked me if he could kiss me and I said no. He asked a few times and finally he said he wouldn't try anymore. But that was like a year ago. Now I want to kiss him! The thing is, I can't tell if he is just being friendly and silly. He jokes around so much that it's hard to tell if he is really interested in me or attracted to me, or if he's just being sweet because I'm his friend.

 

Last night we hung out and unfortunately I got kind of drunk. I ended up falling asleep at his house and we slept in his bed. He wanted to drive me home (probably because he didn't have work today and he didn't want to have to drive me home in the morning). Nothing happened, but we did cuddle a little bit. I cuddled with him and then I asked him to cuddle me and we fell asleep. I felt sick in the morning and said I'd be happy to take the bus home, but he insisted on driving me. When I asked him about hanging out tonight, he said no. He always wants to hang out. I think he is just sick of my mixed signals, or maybe he doesn't have feelings for me and the cuddling was inappropriate. I like him a lot, I'm just afraid of rejection.

 

My last relationship was a bad breakup, and the guy and I remained friends but he said he wasn't attracted to me anymore so he wouldn't have sex with me. No one has ever said that to me, but that really hurt me. I'm afraid of being rejected again, and I'm afraid that I'm just misreading my friend's actions and he is just being friendly like my ex. What should I do? Any insight would be so helpful, because at this point I'm just feeling like a clueless jerk.

[squeaky]

Well, I told him how I felt, and it went terribly! I just need to vent, even if no one reads this.

 

I decided that I would try to talk to him when I saw him, and sort of gauge the situation then. He came and picked me up last night. We went and got dinner and then went to his house to watch a movie. While we were there I saw some of his underwear on the floor and he asked if I liked them. They were a kind that I hadn't really seen before. He was like, "Oh, so none of your other boyfriends wore those?" Then he was telling me about a birthday party he had been invited to, but he said he wasn't sure if he should bring me since it was the birthday of a girl he used to date and maybe bringing me would be inappropriate. I had brought my dog with me, and at one point he was trying to get my dog to stay on his lap and he was like, "She's such a tease. All she ever does is send me mixed signals, and she knows what I want." When he said this, he was looking right at me and it seemed pretty obvious (at least to me) that he was making a joke or something about us. He made a few other sexual comments, but I won't repeat them. He wanted me to give him a back massage and he fell asleep on my lap.

 

So at the end of the night I was basically just like, "We've been hanging out so much lately, and I've been having a lot of fun with you, and I feel like I'm starting to like you as more than a friend." And he just sat there and didn't say anything. I wasn't sure what to do at that point, so I was like, "...so maybe we shouldn't hang out as much if you don't feel the same way." And he was like, "Ok." And I was like, "Ok what?" And he was like, "Ok, I understand if you don't want to hang out as much because it might be weird for you." And I was like, "So you're saying you don't feel the same way?" And he was like, "No, sorry." And I was like, "What about all of the comments you're constantly making? Why are you having me sleep over your house on the weekends and paying for everything for me and touching me when we're in bed together?" And he was like, "What comments? I only touched you a little bit." And I was just kind of like, "Um, Ok..." He took me home and I didn't really talk to him in the car. He asked if we could still hang out and watch movies, and I just said I didn't know. I said bye when he dropped me off, but I didn't look at him.

 

I guess I could have been misreading things, but I think the whole situation is pretty weird. I just don't think that friends should act this way. If he had been like, "Ok, yeah, I make inappropriate comments, but I'm just joking and I thought you knew that," I probably wouldn't have been pleased, but at least I could rationalize that. But for him to just be like, "What comments? What are you talking about? I don't act that way." It's just like, "Dude, come on." I don't know. I'm pissed and I think the whole thing is weird. I don't need a "friend" like that.

[Norville_Rogers]

Well you got your answer and you're right...you don't need a "friend" like that. Find someone else to watch movies with and use this experience as a live and learn type to not be a tease. Just speak up and let the next guy know EXACTLY how you feel and what you expect. Good luck.

[squeaky]

I don't think I was being a tease. Especially when he is the one who is making all of these really sexual comments toward me. I've always been honest with him about my feelings, and I can't help it that I'm shy. I've been hurt a lot in the past and I am very guarded with my feelings. I was afraid of getting hurt here, but I mustered up the courage to talk to him about all of this as soon as I realized how I felt. I may not always be the most articulate person when it comes to how I feel, but I don't mess with people. And basically as soon as I realized I was starting to like him as more than a friend, I told him the first chance I got. I understand if he doesn't feel the same, but his behavior is so so so incongruous with what he's saying, I just think he's being shady. I'm almost 30 and I've never experienced anything like this in all of my years of relationships and friendships.

[spiderowl]

I certainly got the impression he liked you as much more than a friend, or at least he was interested in you sexually which doesn't always mean a relationship for guys. But from the sound of it you rejected him a lot and yet he still hung out with you and you still hung out with him. There must have been something there.

 

I expect in some way he felt safe to flirt with you because he thought you wouldn't take him up on it. This sudden change around has probably thrown him completely. He may just be backtracking in panic as he finds himself in an unexpected situation. I'd give him chance to think about this and not spend time with him for while. It's one thing to want to play around with someone, but now he's got to think about whether he wants a relationship or not.

 

In fact, you and he had a good relationship as you were always hanging out. Why would he hang out with someone he didn't like? Why would he make sexual comments about someone he wasn't attracted to? No, it doesn't make sense.

 

OK, he may not be attracted or interested, in which case one wonders what he was doing. You obviously don't need someone around who is going to affect your confidence like this because his reaction is strange. But I do think he is probably shocked that your feelings have changed and he wasn't aware of it. Give him lots of space and time to work through this. If you still want him around, then wait and see what he says when he returns (as I feel he will). Feelings are pretty serious stuff and now you'll find out if he can handle real intimacy or not. Good luck!

[squeaky]

I certainly got the impression he liked you as much more than a friend, or at least he was interested in you sexually which doesn't always mean a relationship for guys. But from the sound of it you rejected him a lot and yet he still hung out with you and you still hung out with him. There must have been something there.

 

I expect in some way he felt safe to flirt with you because he thought you wouldn't take him up on it. This sudden change around has probably thrown him completely. He may just be backtracking in panic as he finds himself in an unexpected situation. I'd give him chance to think about this and not spend time with him for while. It's one thing to want to play around with someone, but now he's got to think about whether he wants a relationship or not.

 

In fact, you and he had a good relationship as you were always hanging out. Why would he hang out with someone he didn't like? Why would he make sexual comments about someone he wasn't attracted to? No, it doesn't make sense.

 

OK, he may not be attracted or interested, in which case one wonders what he was doing. You obviously don't need someone around who is going to affect your confidence like this because his reaction is strange. But I do think he is probably shocked that your feelings have changed and he wasn't aware of it. Give him lots of space and time to work through this. If you still want him around, then wait and see what he says when he returns (as I feel he will). Feelings are pretty serious stuff and now you'll find out if he can handle real intimacy or not. Good luck!

 

Thank you, this is helpful advice. I've been feeling pretty frustrated and kind of baffled, and my friends all think I should call him up and yell at him or something (I have no interest in doing that, or really even talking to him for awhile). If he wasn't flirting with me or trying to have sex with me, I just don't understand why he would act this way and say all of the things he says. The more I think about things, the more instances I can think where he has really treated me like not only someone he's interested in, but his girlfriend.

 

I know I rejected him in the past, but I've been trying to show him that I do care about him. And a lot of that has more to do with me being afraid of getting hurt than anything. I know I'm a big wuss about my feelings, but I'm trying. He also has some big issues with feelings, and if he can't talk to me about all of this even as a friend, it's probably best if we don't pursue anything. But I think in that case he'd really be shooting himself in the foot, because regardless of how serious things get, I think we'd have something good. I also wasn't sure how to broach the subject. I thought saying that I'm starting to like him as more than a friend was innocuous enough and almost sort of noncommittal (because I'm not sure what I want either, I just figured we could see where things go). I thought maybe we could just try to be more physically intimate and just see if that's something that would actually work for us.

 

Hopefully he'll figure his situation out. We both need space.

Edited October 11, 2010 by squeaky

[squeaky]

I'm feeling crappy about all of this. We've been spending so much time together and having so much fun. He really behaved like he was interested in me. I don't want things to end badly between us, and I think it would be a good thing if we moved forward in some way.

 

I want to just call him, but I don't think it would do me any good in this situation. I wish I had clarified that I'm not looking for anything serious, but that with everything that's been happening, kissing or having sex just seems like the next logical step for us. But I guess it's just best for me to leave things alone. I said my piece, so I guess it's up to him to figure stuff out.

[y2k]

This is YOUR fault. At first, sending mixed signals isn't a bad idea. But when the guy/girl "moves in for the kill", THAT'S when you have to stop the mixed signals and pursue what you want. Sending mixed signals at the time you choose to caused this. It's all your fault. I hope you learned from it.

[squeaky]

This is YOUR fault. At first, sending mixed signals isn't a bad idea. But when the guy/girl "moves in for the kill", THAT'S when you have to stop the mixed signals and pursue what you want. Sending mixed signals at the time you choose to caused this. It's all your fault. I hope you learned from it.

 

Things simply happened the way that they happened between us. I met him at a time when I wasn't ready to get serious with someone new, but I have always been honest with him about my feelings. Things could have gone differently from the start, but sometimes there are mitigating factors and things can't always be simple.

 

Anyway, he sent me an email last night basically acting like nothing had happened. He sent me a link that was supposed to be funny, but it was also sexual. I figured maybe he'd think about things and call me in a week or so, but I didn't expect to hear from him so soon or for him to just completely ignore what happened this past weekend. I think he's got some big problems dealing with emotions. He's mentioned to me in the past that many people have told him that he's emotionally immature or emotionally stunted. I wouldn't say that, but his behavior in this situation makes me feel like he's VERY uncomfortable with this kind of stuff. I think we're better off as friends.

[spiderowl]

Yes, that seems a weird response under the circumstances. Maybe he's trying to make light of it all and ease any tension he's feeling about the situation. Unfortunately, his choice of funny topic seems to have been a bit inappropriate. I don't really know what to suggest. You could allow him a line of communication with you but leave him to come to you. Also, you could try behavioural therapy of the kind used on kids, e.g. respond warmly and positively to behaviour you like and approve of and ignore him when you don't.

 

I think in similar circumstances I'd be wary of meeting up with someone who was confusing me this much. Believe it or not, I've been in a very similar situation though it broke up in confusion before we got to the stage of talking about feelings for each other. He still chats with me and flirts whenever we meet up accidentally and I've started to find it irritating. It starts to get annoying after a while when people play but don't follow through, as if they are just trying to pull your strings to see if they can do it. What's the point in all the flirting? I think it's intended to be provocative and manipulative and these people are pretty messed up.

 

Incidentally, I know someone else who, as soon as the conversation turns to deeper emotions, responds in one of two predictable ways: (1) says 'oh dear, sorry to hear that' and then changes the subject as fast as possible; or (2) does something totally stupid that is supposed to be funny. He just cannot handle any deep emotions. Not surprisingly, he has had real problems finding a girlfriend.

Edited October 16, 2010 by spiderowl