torn for the kids sake

[2confuzd]

Help!! I am in a marriage of almost 10 years. My husband is emotionally abusive to me and our three children. He lost his job a while ago and does not offer any financial support. I do it all. I am miserable. Our fights are over ridiculous and trivial issues - and he continuously says I said things that I didn't at all. There is no arguing with him. He is a (recovering?) alcoholic. The kids adore him - though he is not always so wonderful to him. We fight all the time. I can't take the kids away from their father -- I have met someone through my work. We only have ever talked on the phone (and email). He is wonderful to me and loves me. It is so nice because he offers me the emotional support that I so desperately need. I think he really loves me and wants me...he wants to meet - I am scared though because an affair would be morally wrong. We have developed an unbelieveable emotional connection and chemistry. The sexual tension between us is also phenominal. I am so unhappy and so scared...[font=arial][/font]

[befuddled11]

Thinking logically, how can this other guy really love you if he's never even met you? It's not possible. And how can there be sexual tension between two people who've never even met face to face?

 

It sounds like you are just very empty and have found something that fills the void you have inside. Your "friend" here tells you the things you want to hear and he is decent to you.

 

Does he know about your marriage?

 

Hopefully he's not some jerk who's surfing around online trying to take advantage of vulnerable women.

 

Can you not make some kind of plans to leave and divorce your husband? What is this stuff about you can't take the kids away from their father? Do you think it's good for them, to see and hear their father disrespect and emotionally abuse their mother? It's not good at all. They will grow up to model this kind of relationship. If you have a daughter, she'll grow up believing that it's totally acceptable for a man to treat her like sh*t, and if you have a son, he'll grow up to believe that it's okay to sh*t on women. You don't want this, do you?

 

I don't think your cyberfriend is the answer to your problems....in fact, he could make your situation that much worse, should your husband ever find out. Your husband could go from being emotionally abusive, to physically abusive..toward you, and this guy.

 

My sister called me up today to tell me some awful news. Her husband, my brother inlaw....his cousin (in her 30s) was shot/critically wounded by her husband last night. This is a very well to-do family. She spent several years putting up with this abuse...physical and emotional......her husband was horrid to her. 2 weeks ago she contacted the police to report that he'd threatened to kill her. They let him go. She ended up starting a relationship with a nice guy who treated her well. She was at this other guy's place last night. Her husband went there, blew the "boyfriend" to hell (dead), shot her all up (she survived only because she pretended to be dead)...then he took his own life.

 

Click on this website..it's that to the National Domestic Violence Hotline Website.......call and talk to someone there about the abuse you've been enduring.........you need help to get strong so that you can leave your marriage and get a life for yourself....having an affair will not solve the problems but will make them worse:

 

http://www.ndvh.org/

 

THere's another recent post here, by "whoami" about abuse......go and read my response there.

[Karlise]

Confused

 

Be very careful about forming new romantic attachments when you are in a vulnerable and needy state.

 

First off, you could quickly become too dependent on someone you barely know.

And secondly, you may have quite a bit of emotional baggage right now that someone new is not equipped to handle.

 

Thirdly, it would be hard on your kids.......all things I"m sure you've thought of right now.

 

If this guy is a good friend to you, that's wonderful. But I would keep it at friendship mode for at least 6 months to a year.

 

 

If your husband is truly abusive I would get the advice of a lawyer. Maybe you can get a free consultation.

 

Children who grow up witnessing abuse...be it physical, verbal or emotional....tend to repeat the pattern.

Of course they love their father, he's their Dad! But they are associating love with pain and it may be hard for them in the future to form healthy lasting relationships.

 

Children are resiliant. If they see their mom leaving an unhealthy relationship, they will come to understand that one day. They may not right away, so you will have to prepare for some resentment or acting out on their end for a while.

But in the long run, I think it would be good for them to see mom striving for a better life.

 

Are there family members you could stay with (with the kids)? Can you tell your husband you want a vacation or some time apart?

Will your insurance plan cover therapy? You may get some good advice from a professional who deals with complex relationship issues.

 

I wish you the best of luck. Sounds so very hard. Hang in, it will get better if you start making changes

[2confuzd]

This other person is someone I have spent endless hours talking to on the phone...he is well aware of my situation...is not married or attached in any way to any one and I truly believe wants only the best for me. He has assured me he will take care of me and the kids. I think we have had so many intimate conversations (proabbly in excess of 100 hours worth) that I think we have developed a love for each other. Perhaps this kind of love is almost better because it is completely unshallow...looks just don't matter. What matters is mutual respect, concern, etc. I think there is a sexual tension because we have shared so much of ourselves with eachoother tht it seems logical to want to take it to the next level. I am very well educated and I would have never believed at one time that you could love someone you had never met. Yet, I think I understand. We know each other very well and at this point I don't care what he looks like at all...

 

I am miserable but it is all emotional. I don't think my husband would ever do anything to physically hurt me or the kids...but thank you for the website info. We have 3 boys and it has occurred to me that I would hate them to model their father's behavior. But whenever he leaves in a fight (for even 20 min.) they are so distraught... I can't stand to see them in that much pain at the thought of him not being a constant for them. I am just scared to raise these boys on my own and we really have basically no income. I love his family and could not picture life without them either. Maybe it is just all about security.

[moimeme]

Allow me to caution you about thinking you love someone from a distance. It is very possible to know only part of a person. You just cannot see the rest of the picture from phone calls. Take it from me, you absolutely need to spend time with the person to see if he is in 3D up close and personal the person you think you know. Sometimes they are, but sometimes they are not and, for your own sake, you can't leap into something until you ascertain how honest he has been. Some people are not at all self-aware and will tell you what they believe about themselves, which does not jibe at all with who they really are. They don't mean to deceive you, but you need to be absolutely sure before you make a life decision.