he has given up on our marriage

[heartbrokenem]

hello

 

i have been with my husband for 8 years and been married 18months.

 

we have been through several ups and downs over the years, as is the case with most if not all long term relationships. we moved in with my parents about a year ago - we wanted to be able to save to buy our own place and not be renting anymore.

 

this put a real strain on our relationship and over the last 2 weeks i noticed that things between us were slipping. lack of affection and time spent together. we have both been having a stressful time at work and so i put it down to that.

 

on saturday last week he told me that he couldnt live here anymore, that he was really unhappy being here. i suggested that he go and stay with his parents for a while, to clear his head and get out of here. i understand how hard it is for him living with my parents because at the beginning of our relationship i lived with his.

 

but there was still something he wanted to say. i could tell he was holding something back so i pushed and pushed him. he kept saying 'nothing, its nothing' but i could see it in his eyes, there was something more and i guess i knew what it would be... i started to get really worried that he didnt love me anymore and that that was what he was wanting to say. i told him that he needed to tell me what he was thinking because i was getting worried, so he either needed to put my mind at rest or confirm my worst fear.

 

he told me that 'something' had changed. he didnt know what or why or how to fix it but that things werent the same between us. i told him i noticed it too, over the last couple of weeks, and it's because we are neglecting each other. u go a day without a hug and before you know it it's been a week, u begin living alongside each other instead of with each other as a couple. we have been here before, and we know what we have to do to fix it - make more of an effort, spend quality time together, step up the affection.

 

he said it had been more like months - which i totally dispute! and that he doesnt 'miss' me anymore when we are not together. i told him that after 8 years i dont miss him all the time either and that thats natural.

 

he said its more than that but doesnt know what. said he doesnt know if living here is making him so unhappy that he is unhappy with us. that he will try to find things to do at work so he doesnt have to come home. he doesnt know if he doesnt want to come home because he hates it here, or if he just doesnt want to come home to me.

 

quite obviously i was upset with this. he was upset. he was sobbing uncontrolably but i was just silently crying, dazed and confused.

 

we were going to his mothers on the sunday anyway. i told him he should go there and then but he refused saying we would carry on with our plans tomorrow, go to his mothers and then he would stay there.

 

sunday afternoon, before leaving for his mums, we had sex. it wasnt mind blowing amazing sex, but it was close, intimate... lovely sex. in the back of my mind i was thinking 'this could be the last time'. i pushed it back. we 'finished' and i burst into tears immediately. i just couldnt understand how he could tell me he didnt know how he felt about me but we could just be that close and i could feel the love between us. he cried, he said baby, dont, this isnt the last time, im sure its just living here. i need to get out'.

we went to his mums and i gave him space. text him maybe once a day to tell him how hurt and confused i was that this was happening. that i has messages on my cell phone from him from no more than a week ago telling me how much he loved me, how lucky he felt to have me...

 

thursday he called me to say its over.

 

i was in shock. i didnt cry. he didnt cry. he was like another person. like he was reading it off a piece of paper. detattached from the situation. cold.

 

he just said that he wasnt coming back. that he felt like he needed a fresh start. that he cares for me but he doesnt want to try anymore. i told him that i didnt understand. that we were married so he should want to try everything to make this work. he said he has tried for months and doesnt want to try anymore. he kept apologising. i kept telling him to stop apologising. he said he was going to go. i hung up.

 

stunned. i felt like i was about to throw up. i called some friends to tell them. but i was hardly making sense. i called his mum and left her a voicmail. i told her she probably knew what had just happened but that i was going to miss her and the whole family. that i consider them as part of my family too... then i cried.

 

i came downstairs and told my mum. i collapsed screaming, literally screaming in a heap on the floor. i told her everything.

 

and now, i dont know what to do with myself... 8 years of my life, gone. i cant understand why he doesnt want to try.

things he has put me through over the years and i have always picked myself back up and rebuilt the trust and put everything into our relationship to make it work.

because i love him and he loves me. nothing else matters. u can work on everything else. as long as the love is there.

 

im so sure he still loves me. i cant understand why he doesnt want to try.

i cant understand why he made those marriage vows and has just ignored them. i cant understand how he made this commitment to me and has just walked away.

we dont fight or argue, neither of us has had an affair, we get on so well. theres been NOTHING has has led up to this. if i felt it had been months and that we both did not want to try - i could understand.

 

but he hasnt spoke to me about how he has been feeling. hasnt given me or US an opportunity to try. he says he has tried - tried what? he hasnt tried anything. tried to ignore his feelings hoping they would go away and things would change back? maybe - but really... thats just sitting and doing nothing! its not trying... its not working at it... its nothing.

 

i have so many questions. he is meant to be coming to see me today to try to explain. i dont know if it will make any difference. i cant force him to try or force him to love me or want to be with me, but i dont think he has realised the gravity of his decision.

 

we are married. our lives are interwoven together. mutal friends, our families. we have grown up together. we were 17 and 18 when we met. all my memories of growing up involve him. all my photos have him in them. every decision i have ever made has had him in mind, and now thats it... im on my own.

im sitting in our room, on our bed surrounded by his stuff and our wedding photos.

 

i cant bear to touch his things, pack anything up. i dont want them here and i dont want them gone. when there gone - thats it. its final.

 

he hasnt thought about our loan which we are paying off that paid for our wedding... he hasnt thought about our joint account. that i will have to change my name... i dont think he realises the gravity of this at all. the impact it has.

if we were just bf and gf and this was 4 years ago, this would suck big time. i would probably still feel this same sense of loss and hurt. but it wouldnt be such a mess.

 

18 months ago we stood in front of all our friends and family and pledged to spend the rest of our lives with each other. and now? nothing.

 

ive never been through a breakup before, he is my one and only love and i just dont know what i need to do to get over this. if i can get over this. if i should start that process at all, because what if he changes his mind?

 

i keep thinking of xmas coming up and just everything and how i will cope without him.

 

i keep thinking about him not being here, i will have no one for comfort, for intimacy. i would have lost my best friend, my confidant, my lover, my everything. and for what?

[hopesndreams]

There is no easy way to tell you this but you came here for advice so I will be one of the first to tell you the bad news because your H cannot, will not be a decent human being and tell you himself. He has someone else. She is well hidden for now and will come out to play when enough time has passed. I know for fact you will deny this could ever happen and that's ok. It's all part of the process.

[soma1980]

There is no easy way to tell you this but you came here for advice so I will be one of the first to tell you the bad news because your H cannot, will not be a decent human being and tell you himself. He has someone else. She is well hidden for now and will come out to play when enough time has passed. I know for fact you will deny this could ever happen and that's ok. It's all part of the process.

 

I have to agree, I'm going through a very similar situation myself - been married 2 years and together 13 years, my STBX was planning on leaving me but didn't want her affair to be the reason for our demise...a way of saving face I think, unfortunately for her I was convinced something had been wrong for the last few months and did some digging into her emails / texts - this uncovered her infidelity before she got chance to blame the break up on me!

 

In my case and many others it was someone at work who had turned her head with complements etc, this sometimes can be difficult to detect especially if they haven't been spending too much time together outside of work....I really feel for you, I found out three weeks ago and it's only hitting home now, i've been through every emotion imaginable and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy...really hope for your sake that he hasn't been cheating but based on what you've said i'd say it's 99% certain

[PSG]

I completely relate to your pain! My boyfriend of 15 years told me on Wed that he was spending the weekend with another woman. That's it. Over. I hung up on him and haven't spoke to him since. No apology no call from him. And, me, here knowing he is with someone else. What kind of person does that???

[heartbrokenem]

hi

 

i initially thought he had been playing away when he first told me on thursday. i thought that the only way he would have the strength to walk away from our relationship was if he had someone else to go to.

 

after today, our chat i really do not believe this to be the case.

 

infidelity is not the only reason a relationship breaks down.

 

he says we have nothing common - we dont, but its never been an issue in the past.

i wouldnt say we have nothing at all in common, but not really common interests - we both like tattoos, comedians, the same programmes, going out to eat.

he says we only have each other in common.

 

he is heartbroken over this too. he is scared for the future too. hes worst fear is being alone but he isnt happy and he cant put his all into our relationship to try to fix the things that are wrong when he feels this way.

 

he says if we were to try it would be prolonging the inevitable. that he knows we would be back here in a year or two but that it would be harder because it was even longer together, we might have a mortgage or children even and its not fair on either of us.

 

alot of what he was saying made sense to me, but they are insignificant to me - the lack of things in common, the fact we do not 'have fun together' - i just feel like i would do anything to make this work but he doesnt want to. and all i can do is accept it.

 

its just so hard. i want my life back, my husband back, my future back, my world, my everything

[Beebie]

Heartbrokenem

 

My heart goes out to you. I totally relate to where you are now (my situation has been 13 months now).

 

I would bet everything I've got that he's met someone else. I KNOW this isn't what you want to hear. I didn't want to hear it either. But the truth is, when a spouse behaves like this, the chances are very likely that he's involved with someone else. I know what you're thinking. "He wouldn't do this to me". "Not him". "There were no signs, so there can't be someone else". That's what I thought, until I did some digging and found out the awful truth that yes, my loyal, devoted H was actually involved with someone else. Of course, he denied it because he wasn't man enough to tell me the truth. I only found out the truth because of my "investigations".

 

You say you have contacted his family. Have they given any indication of any knowledge of what he's doing? In my case, H's family stayed totally silent and avoided me but I later discovered that they knew all along he was seeing someone else. Of course, in your case, your H's family may not have any idea of what he's up to. But often, it's the case that a cheating spouse feels the need to "unburden" themselves to someone close to them.

 

Is there any way of you finding out if there might be someone else involved with your H? It's an awful thing to do, I know, but I had to dig on my H's computer to find my evidence.

 

Do you have a strong family network for support? If you do, this will help you enormously.

 

I really feel your pain and I'm sorry you're having to post here. Stay strong Heartbrokenem - most of us here have been there and know exactly what you're going through.

[heartbrokenem]

im very close to his mother, she is as upset about this situation as everyone else. my parents are devastated, his parents, my friends, me, him..

 

our past issues have been that he would text/email/facebook other women flirting. he overstepped the mark but i have never believed that he cheated on me.

 

he has always maintained that he loves me and so we have always overcome it and rebuilt our relationship back up.

 

him saying his feelings have changed has come right out of the blue - i have been with this man for 8 years. each time he has flirted with these other women i have always picked up on it, snooped around and found him out. i have good instincts with him.

 

this time the 'usual' signs have not been there. he hasnt been glued to facebook - i mentioned about 2 weeks ago to him that he hasnt been on there for ages and he said theres never anyone on there anymore.

 

he hasnt been glued to his phone/taking it everywhere with him

 

he hasnt been heartless to me.

 

hes just been him but over last couple of weeks he has been distant, just generally mopey. i would get in from being out or seeing friends and he would be sat in our bedroom, lights off, listening to music... i thought he was depressed.

 

today, when we were chatting and i could see how upset he was, i told him it would be easier if i could be angry at him. if he had cheated on me or slept with someone else, at least i could blame him. there would be a reason for all this.

 

he just looked at me shook his head and said he could never do that. he still loves me.

[willowthewisp]

I went through something very similar 19 months ago, my X up and left after nearly 20 years, we had been together from high school, to read how you feel about him going broke my heart b/c I too know those feelings and I am so so sorry for you.

 

My X denied an affair also, and I still don't know to this day if he had someone else or not, although I recently found out he started seeing a women at work about 10 months after he left me. The mutual friend who told me said she and her partner have wondered if he kept her quiet but had been cheating on me? It's a possibility but I now have no way of finding out and he sure a h*** isn't going to admit to it!

 

My circumstances were a little different to yours and my counsellor belives my X had other issues outside the scope of our relationship, to do with commitment phobia and mid life crisis.

 

I have to say reading your story, and I know you don't even want to entertain the idea, but I really do think your H has someone else or has his eye on someone else at work.

 

Think about for a min. He said he stays late at work to avoid coming home, so there are the late nights for starters. All these "reasons" he has given you are rubbish, you don't suddenly decide after 8 years that you have nothing in common with your spouse and decide you aren't compatible (I had similar thrown at me by my X after 20 years), thats BS! It does not take 8 years to figure that stuff out. He is gaslighting you because he wants you to think it was you and buy his story so he doesn't come off the bad guy. What's more, he slept with you last week?! COWARD. Wanted you to think everything was a OK, so he could walk away without getting caught. (Happened to me too).

 

You still have his things and you are still able to dig, do it! If you find nothing so be it, but don't ignore the possibility and spend the next goodness knows how long wondering why he left like I have!

 

Keep posting, we're listening.

[willowthewisp]

im very close to his mother, she is as upset about this situation as everyone else. my parents are devastated, his parents, my friends, me, him..

 

our past issues have been that he would text/email/facebook other women flirting. he overstepped the mark but i have never believed that he cheated on me.

 

he has always maintained that he loves me and so we have always overcome it and rebuilt our relationship back up.

 

him saying his feelings have changed has come right out of the blue - i have been with this man for 8 years. each time he has flirted with these other women i have always picked up on it, snooped around and found him out. i have good instincts with him.

 

this time the 'usual' signs have not been there. he hasnt been glued to facebook - i mentioned about 2 weeks ago to him that he hasnt been on there for ages and he said theres never anyone on there anymore.

 

he hasnt been glued to his phone/taking it everywhere with him

 

he hasnt been heartless to me.

 

hes just been him but over last couple of weeks he has been distant, just generally mopey. i would get in from being out or seeing friends and he would be sat in our bedroom, lights off, listening to music... i thought he was depressed.

 

today, when we were chatting and i could see how upset he was, i told him it would be easier if i could be angry at him. if he had cheated on me or slept with someone else, at least i could blame him. there would be a reason for all this.

 

he just looked at me shook his head and said he could never do that. he still loves me.

 

He's lying. He has a history of flirting/emotional affairs online. DIG! At least you will know one way or the other. Aside form that, stop talking to him, he is not your confidant anymore and right now you cannot trust him. I know that hurts, truly I do but you MUST look out for you first and foremost. Go NC, pull a 180 (search for the rules of 180 on here for list) and dig.

[hopesndreams]

hi

 

i initially thought he had been playing away when he first told me on thursday. i thought that the only way he would have the strength to walk away from our relationship was if he had someone else to go to.

 

Perhaps she is married and he's protecting her and waiting for her to leave her husband as she has promised. Just in case she doesn't follow through with her promise, he will keep you within sights, his backup plan.

 

after today, our chat i really do not believe this to be the case.

 

Cheaters are convincing liars, it's all part of their MO.

infidelity is not the only reason a relationship breaks down.

 

No, of course infidelity isn't the only reason a marriage can break down. Are you a monster? Ask yourself this, why would you both make love for the final time before he chucks you to go live with mummy?

 

he says we have nothing common - we dont, but its never been an issue in the past.

i wouldnt say we have nothing at all in common, but not really common interests - we both like tattoos, comedians, the same programmes, going out to eat.

he says we only have each other in common.

 

he is heartbroken over this too. he is scared for the future too. hes worst fear is being alone but he isnt happy and he cant put his all into our relationship to try to fix the things that are wrong when he feels this way.

 

Yes, he is confused and you are mistaking it for being heartbroken. The only future he cares about at this moment in time is his own.

 

he says if we were to try it would be prolonging the inevitable. that he knows we would be back here in a year or two but that it would be harder because it was even longer together, we might have a mortgage or children even and its not fair on either of us.

 

Such the martyr. My ex played the same cards yours is now playing. Call his bluff. Do it before all his plans are set in place. Since there are no children, go NC. Distance and detach from him NOW. He sure has.

 

alot of what he was saying made sense to me, but they are insignificant to me - the lack of things in common, the fact we do not 'have fun together' - i just feel like i would do anything to make this work but he doesnt want to. and all i can do is accept it.

 

He doesn't want to because he has a new conquest to conquer. Most likely she is his work friend. As of right now, you are in the way. Sorry. That hurts. I know. Give him a taste of what life is like without you. It is the ONLY thing that might draw him back to you.

its just so hard. i want my life back, my husband back, my future back, my world, my everything

 

Whether or not your husband comes back, you must put yourself first. Your self-esteem depends on it. Now is the time to love yourself first and foremost. Anything else will make you look like a weakling in his eyes. Cut contact. It's the only way you might get him back.

 

If there is someone else, do not compete. It is an exercise in futility.

 

Go through any and all belongings if anything has been left behind. No matter how insignificant. You cant fight for your marriage and for the man you love without knowing what/who the enemy/interloper is.

 

Edited October 9, 2010 by hopesndreams

[Beebie]

Heartbrokenem

 

Are you able to say what age group you and H are in? I'm just asking because your H's behaviour sounds very much like that of a spouse in mid life crisis, although I realise you've only been married 18 months.

 

Regarding the text/email/facebook thing - was this going on before you were married or have these issues surfaced since you got married?

 

"he told me that 'something' had changed. he didnt know what or why or how to fix it but that things werent the same between us.

This sounds very much like an excuse. I'm pretty sure he knows what's changed but he isn't telling you.

 

 

... but over last couple of weeks he has been distant, just generally mopey. i would get in from being out or seeing friends and he would be sat in our bedroom, lights off, listening to music... i thought he was depressed.

He may well be depressed, but this could be his guilt.

 

I'm sorry if the above sounds harsh Heartbrokenem. What worries me about your situation is his previous history of flirting. If there was no-one else involved, surely he would sit down and talk to you and try to get to the bottom of what's going wrong in your marriage. It sounds very much to me like there is someone else in the background ... and he's running away.

[willowthewisp]

Heartbrokenem

 

Are you able to say what age group you and H are in? I'm just asking because your H's behaviour sounds very much like that of a spouse in mid life crisis, although I realise you've only been married 18 months.

 

My intial thought was Mid life crisis as well, but based on them being together 8 years from age 18, makes him too young for that at 26, my counsellor says around 35 years old is the onset point.

 

Regarding the text/email/facebook thing - was this going on before you were married or have these issues surfaced since you got married?

 

That's an interesting question.

 

This sounds very much like an excuse. I'm pretty sure he knows what's changed but he isn't telling you.

 

 

He may well be depressed, but this could be his guilt.

 

I'm sorry if the above sounds harsh Heartbrokenem. What worries me about your situation is his previous history of flirting. If there was no-one else involved, surely he would sit down and talk to you and try to get to the bottom of what's going wrong in your marriage. It sounds very much to me like there is someone else in the background ... and he's running away.

 

I tend to agree, one would hope he would and in general most people would, sometimes other factors are at play like mid-life and commitment phobia, but there is definetely something fishy here, I'm really sorry Heartbrokenem but my moneys on another women, I hope I am wrong.

 

Just a thought Heartbrokenem, but were you two about to buy a home or start a family?

Edited October 9, 2010 by willowthewisp

[heartbrokenem]

he works with men. 5 men, no women.

 

he said he tries to find things at work to keep him there so he doesnt have to come home. but he doesnt. he doesnt drive and gets the train from work. i pick him up at the station, the same time every night.

 

i have not contacted him. i am telling myself over and over that im not going to beg him. i havent. as much as i want to - i havent. i know its not attractive and if hes feeling uncertain about our relationship, backing him further into a corner and pressuring him or 'guilting' him into giving it another go because of how desperate i am is NOT attractive.

 

i text him earlier about him coming here to see if he would get a cab from the train station as i cannot drive at the moment (way too emotional). thats the only time i text him today.

 

we spoke very calmly when he got here, we both got upset but i wasnt clinging to his leg when he left or anything! lol

and he wasnt cold with me or frustrated with my questions.

 

his mother has been texting me. she cannot understand this and wants to shake him. she has tried talking to him but he gets really teary and keeps saying its not fair on both of us when hes this unhappy.

 

when we spoke today he said he wasnt ready to go through all his stuff and pack up yet. he was still wearing his wedding ring, as am i. we both said we needed time to get our heads round this situation. he told me he would finish the loan repayments on his own that we took out for our wedding. i told him i couldnt think about any stuff like that, that im still sleeping in our bed with our wedding photos up and cant bear to touch his things let alone go through them and pack them up. at the moment anything more than getting through the day is too much to think about.

 

his mother text me saying that he seems so muddled. that she asked him about divorce and he looked really shocked and said 'no way'. she told him she wasnt going to take down the wedding photos she has up yet. he didnt argue with her. she hopes he just needs time and he will realise he has made a mistake. i told her i hoped the same, and wish that more than anything but i cannot force him to want to be with me.

 

u all seem so hell bent that he has cheated on me or found another woman. maybe he has? maybe he is better at hiding it than i thought? does it matter if he has? will it change anything? will i feel any better to know if he has? no - the outcome is the same. the relationship is over - to find out he has been with someone else will make me think my life has been a lie. why would i want to do that to myself?

 

he doesnt have a computer. we have a laptop. a laptop i am using now. there is nothing on here. no photos. no secret files. no strange history on the internet toolbar.

 

however... he has changed his facebook password. i dont know when, but i tried it on weds this week and its not the same as it was a year or so ago.

 

he would have to be crazy to have been with someone else. i dont know when he could have been. plus i dont think he would have the balls to take his new woman - if is the case - home to his mums! thats where hes living.

 

the state he is in - or appears to be in, i cant imagine him being fine and dandy to be out with another woman any time soon. i can see him moving on before me though - because he has had more time to think this through and make this decision, to come to terms with it.

[heartbrokenem]

hi,

 

he is 25 and i am 26. he jokingly said on saturday night that he felt like he was having a mid life crisis.

 

the facebook email text thing is all in the past. 1st time a year into our relationship, he was texting a girl at work. ridiculously secretive with his phone... we split breifly. my decision, to give him space to decide that at 18, if he wanted to be single or in a long term relationship - i have always been in this for the long run.

he chose me.

a year or so later hes constantly on the computer. investigations lead me to find him members of several dating and 'swingers' sites with various photos of genitalia flying around.

next was - something else... i cant remember what... sorry.

then there was facebooking a girl he worked with and a guy he worked with's girlfriend... that was 9 months before we got married. the biggy. resulted in him accepting he had an issue with seeking validation outside of our relationship and communication issues. he went to relate (conselling here in the uk)

things were fine. i gave myself in my head, until the xmas before our wedding to see if he had really changed and learned to open up to me. i felt he had and i thought long and hard about whether or not i wanted to marry him. could i accept him for him, with knowing all his flaws. the wedding went ahead.

 

and now this.

 

willowthewisp - your final comment - yes. we were living with my parents to save money in order to buy a house. we were going to be doing this , or looking to do this in the next 6 months or so. i am ridiculously broody, so children were to follow shortly after. he knew this.

 

he said today that he couldnt just float along with that anymore because a mortgage and children would make walking away that much harder. we would have to deal with custody and everything else and he said if we had, had kids he couldnt have walked out because it wouldnt be fair to them.

 

its like he suddenly decided 'this isnt for me anymore' and he wants to get out before hes any deeper in.

 

hes either scared or its because hes met someone else, or feels like he could be with someone better...?

[willowthewisp]

Why would you want to know? Your orginal post seemed to be looking for the reasons behind his actions, perhaps I misread it?

 

Maybe he isn't or maybe he is, but if you would rather not know that is your choice.

[willowthewisp]

hi,

 

he is 25 and i am 26. he jokingly said on saturday night that he felt like he was having a mid life crisis.

 

the facebook email text thing is all in the past. 1st time a year into our relationship, he was texting a girl at work. ridiculously secretive with his phone... we split breifly. my decision, to give him space to decide that at 18, if he wanted to be single or in a long term relationship - i have always been in this for the long run.

he chose me.

a year or so later hes constantly on the computer. investigations lead me to find him members of several dating and 'swingers' sites with various photos of genitalia flying around.

next was - something else... i cant remember what... sorry.

then there was facebooking a girl he worked with and a guy he worked with's girlfriend... that was 9 months before we got married. the biggy. resulted in him accepting he had an issue with seeking validation outside of our relationship and communication issues. he went to relate (conselling here in the uk)

things were fine. i gave myself in my head, until the xmas before our wedding to see if he had really changed and learned to open up to me. i felt he had and i thought long and hard about whether or not i wanted to marry him. could i accept him for him, with knowing all his flaws. the wedding went ahead.

 

and now this.

 

willowthewisp - your final comment - yes. we were living with my parents to save money in order to buy a house. we were going to be doing this , or looking to do this in the next 6 months or so. i am ridiculously broody, so children were to follow shortly after. he knew this.

 

he said today that he couldnt just float along with that anymore because a mortgage and children would make walking away that much harder. we would have to deal with custody and everything else and he said if we had, had kids he couldnt have walked out because it wouldnt be fair to them.

 

its like he suddenly decided 'this isnt for me anymore' and he wants to get out before hes any deeper in.

 

hes either scared or its because hes met someone else, or feels like he could be with someone better...?

 

I could well be projecting here, but commitment phobia can have different triggers for different people, some people run at point of engagement, some at marriage, some at buying first house, some at first child, some at last child. It may be a possibility?

 

I am concerned about the previous facebook and relate history though I still think he's cheating (or planning on cheating) maybe he doesn't want to admit it b/c then he can reveal her as a new GF after it's all done, would get round his mum!

 

If you would rather not know though that is your decision. I know this is all hard and it hurts, it's awful in the early days, so raw and often I think perhaps I come off as a bit matter of fact b/c I am further detached from the pain now.

[hopesndreams]

u all seem so hell bent that he has cheated on me or found another woman. maybe he has? maybe he is better at hiding it than i thought? does it matter if he has? will it change anything? will i feel any better to know if he has? no - the outcome is the same. the relationship is over - to find out he has been with someone else will make me think my life has been a lie. why would i want to do that to myself?

 

Fantastic attitude! Keep thinking this when he comes round to see you and cries in his tea and biscuits.

 

You are strong, tough and can live life without him if need be. Show your confidence, your strength and fake it til you make it.

 

End all texts with his mum. Blood is thicker than water. Best to remember that.

[heartbrokenem]

i guess i posted to see that im not the only person in the world going through this. i have no family or friends that have gotten divorced or had a longterm relationship break up. my mum and dad have been together for 27 years, H's mum and dad 25 years, my friends are either married or single and never in a long term relationship.

 

i guess i posted to vent. for reassurance that i will get through this. to see if anyone else out there has had a similar scenario - to see if anyone else out there has been through a separation and managed to work things out.

 

i definitely did not post to be told that H has cheated on me, i do however understand that yes, its possible and that yes in a lot of cases, the majority even, that cheating and affairs are the prime reason for a marriage breakdown.

 

im not saying its impossible for him to have cheated or be embarking on a new relationship - im trying to explain that i cant see it, i may be wrong but i dont feel it. i have been here before with this man, i can feel and see the signs of him straying and it's not the same this time.

 

i also know that everytime i have snooped and found what i have it has not made me feel great. i got no sense of achievement from finding that my instincts were right - all i got was pain.

 

so when i saw he had changed his facebook password, i didnt confront him. i didnt question him. i left it.

 

on thursday when he called to tell me it was over (more or less) i accused him of f*cking around again. he said he has not been, i told him that he must have been to be able to walk away so easily without trying. he told me very adamently 'i have not been'. easy to say maybe, but with everything else - it just doesnt feel that way. no part of me is seriously considering it. i will however, bear in mind that it is a possibility. it will be in the back of my mind now because i hear what you are all saying.

[hopesndreams]

Read the other stories here. Those with the toughest advice are the ones that have lived through it. You will live through this. What choice have you got? Put yourself #1. This is YOU time. If he wants to join you, great, if not, oh well....life goes on. Billions of people on this planet, he has shown he ain't all that by running away from you and the marriage. Weakness on his part. So weak. You deserve better.

 

Don't let himself wean off you. Get him where it hurts, go NC and contact a lawyer. He needs a wake up call.

[2themoon&back]

i guess i posted to see that im not the only person in the world going through this. i have no family or friends that have gotten divorced or had a longterm relationship break up. my mum and dad have been together for 27 years, H's mum and dad 25 years, my friends are either married or single and never in a long term relationship.

 

i guess i posted to vent. for reassurance that i will get through this. to see if anyone else out there has had a similar scenario - to see if anyone else out there has been through a separation and managed to work things out.

 

i definitely did not post to be told that H has cheated on me, i do however understand that yes, its possible and that yes in a lot of cases, the majority even, that cheating and affairs are the prime reason for a marriage breakdown.

 

im not saying its impossible for him to have cheated or be embarking on a new relationship - im trying to explain that i cant see it, i may be wrong but i dont feel it. i have been here before with this man, i can feel and see the signs of him straying and it's not the same this time.

 

i also know that everytime i have snooped and found what i have it has not made me feel great. i got no sense of achievement from finding that my instincts were right - all i got was pain.

 

so when i saw he had changed his facebook password, i didnt confront him. i didnt question him. i left it.

 

on thursday when he called to tell me it was over (more or less) i accused him of f*cking around again. he said he has not been, i told him that he must have been to be able to walk away so easily without trying. he told me very adamently 'i have not been'. easy to say maybe, but with everything else - it just doesnt feel that way. no part of me is seriously considering it. i will however, bear in mind that it is a possibility. it will be in the back of my mind now because i hear what you are all saying.

 

i am sooooo sorry you are in soo much pain, you must take a moment to step away from this and breath so you can deal with whatever is coming and what i mean by this is :

 

if he is having an A ---you will need your wits and your strength

if he is not willing to try anymore --- you will need your strength to deal with that

if he changes his mind --- you will need your strength to rebuild the trust that has been broken and to try to heal the hurts and your wits to understand it all

 

all reasons for you to first take care of you right now give yourself a minute and try to let this sink in ......

 

my xH told me after 13yrs he did not want to be married to me anymore, he did not want to try anymore.

to him had been trying for years, even though i did not think so that does not mean --he was not trying ... and yes it hurts like hell to hear that, but i wish he would have told me 6yrs earlier because that is when he felt that way. he just stayed because he wanted me to end it. (Coward)

also just because people have been married a long time does not automatically mean much, my parents divorced after 32yrs ... they stayed to long as well.

 

i hope you see this is time for you and right now that is the only person you need to worry about so please take care of yourself because no matter what happens you will need her !!!

[heartbrokenem]

hi

 

i dont know where to start to 'take care of myself'. everyone keeps saying that i need to concentrate on me, that i need to think of myself, that i need to be selfish, i need to be good to myself. but what does that mean?

 

a good starting point would be to eat well and sleep - but i feel constantly sick - as if im about to throw up, i cannot eat. i havent eaten in nearly 3 days. i tried to eat something 'easy' yesterday - carrot cake - but its like it got stuck in my throat and i felt seriously ill the rest of the day.

 

sleep - is getting there... im so emotionally exhausted that i dont have trouble getting to sleep - but im only getting 5 or so hours because i wake up and have loads of thoughts running through my head.

 

i am going to start a journal today i think. somewhere i can write everything im thinking and feeling. all my fears - however irrational, just to get them out there and not have anyone tell me im silly for thinking these things..

 

i feel like i just want to lose a load of weight, feel confident in myself again, show him what hes missing. make him want me.

 

all i feel right now is ugly and useless... if he doesnt want me after 8 yrs together, how will anyone else ever want me?

[willowthewisp]

hi

 

i dont know where to start to 'take care of myself'. everyone keeps saying that i need to concentrate on me, that i need to think of myself, that i need to be selfish, i need to be good to myself. but what does that mean?

 

a good starting point would be to eat well and sleep - but i feel constantly sick - as if im about to throw up, i cannot eat. i havent eaten in nearly 3 days. i tried to eat something 'easy' yesterday - carrot cake - but its like it got stuck in my throat and i felt seriously ill the rest of the day.

 

sleep - is getting there... im so emotionally exhausted that i dont have trouble getting to sleep - but im only getting 5 or so hours because i wake up and have loads of thoughts running through my head.

 

i am going to start a journal today i think. somewhere i can write everything im thinking and feeling. all my fears - however irrational, just to get them out there and not have anyone tell me im silly for thinking these things..

 

i feel like i just want to lose a load of weight, feel confident in myself again, show him what hes missing. make him want me.

 

all i feel right now is ugly and useless... if he doesnt want me after 8 yrs together, how will anyone else ever want me?

 

Morning Heartbrokenem,

 

First, breathe. Right now you are in shock and crisis mode. When my X left I did not eat for a week, nothing, food appeared alien to me and like you I could not eat. The only way through that is to literally force yourself, not nice but you must, my parents threatened to take me to the hospital if I didn't, so I did. Once you start, little by little it will get easier.

 

Sleep, will be interupted for quite some time b/c of all the thoughts and stress and dreams. A lot of people on here recommend some physical exercise to help and a warm bath etc before bed. Sleep will return in time, I promise.

 

All of this will begin to calm in time, I know it's a cliche, but it is true.

 

For now, come here to vent and just take one hour at a time. Get through one hour, then the next.

 

As for you not being good enough, it's him who has let you down, not the other way round, iy's him who is walking without trying - you deserve so much more than that, you both took vows, he has broken them. Not trying first is not right.

[soma1980]

hi

 

i dont know where to start to 'take care of myself'. everyone keeps saying that i need to concentrate on me, that i need to think of myself, that i need to be selfish, i need to be good to myself. but what does that mean?

 

a good starting point would be to eat well and sleep - but i feel constantly sick - as if im about to throw up, i cannot eat. i havent eaten in nearly 3 days. i tried to eat something 'easy' yesterday - carrot cake - but its like it got stuck in my throat and i felt seriously ill the rest of the day.

 

sleep - is getting there... im so emotionally exhausted that i dont have trouble getting to sleep - but im only getting 5 or so hours because i wake up and have loads of thoughts running through my head.

 

i am going to start a journal today i think. somewhere i can write everything im thinking and feeling. all my fears - however irrational, just to get them out there and not have anyone tell me im silly for thinking these things..

 

i feel like i just want to lose a load of weight, feel confident in myself again, show him what hes missing. make him want me.

 

all i feel right now is ugly and useless... if he doesnt want me after 8 yrs together, how will anyone else ever want me?

 

You answered your own question really, you look after yourself by doing whatever it is that will make you more confident, anything that boosts your self esteem....if that means losing weight so be it, if it means spending more time with family and friends then do that, treat yourself to a spa day...do WHATEVER it takes to make YOU feel happier.

 

You say you feel ugly and useless this is a normal reaction to what you're going through - I felt / feel exactly the same, I know it's a bit of a cliche but exercise really does make you feel good about yourself and the better you feel the more confident you will be - couple this with NC and this guy will soon see what he's missing and when he does it will be upto YOU to decide if YOU want to make things work....the longer I have spent away from my STBXW the more i've realised that our relationship might not have been so rosy as I thought when I was in it, weighing up the pro's and con's she probably did me a favour!!

 

You sound like a lovely person and deserve someone who's going to love you for you, anything less and you're compromising your own self esteem...keep your chin up and make yourself irresistible

[2themoon&back]

hi

 

i dont know where to start to 'take care of myself'. everyone keeps saying that i need to concentrate on me, that i need to think of myself, that i need to be selfish, i need to be good to myself. but what does that mean?

 

a good starting point would be to eat well and sleep - but i feel constantly sick - as if im about to throw up, i cannot eat. i havent eaten in nearly 3 days. i tried to eat something 'easy' yesterday - carrot cake - but its like it got stuck in my throat and i felt seriously ill the rest of the day.

 

sleep - is getting there... im so emotionally exhausted that i dont have trouble getting to sleep - but im only getting 5 or so hours because i wake up and have loads of thoughts running through my head.

 

i am going to start a journal today i think. somewhere i can write everything im thinking and feeling. all my fears - however irrational, just to get them out there and not have anyone tell me im silly for thinking these things..

 

i feel like i just want to lose a load of weight, feel confident in myself again, show him what hes missing. make him want me.

 

all i feel right now is ugly and useless... if he doesnt want me after 8 yrs together, how will anyone else ever want me?

 

 

i am sorry all that information you are receiving is probably overwhelming to you .... so i will try to more clear in what “taking care of yourself” means...

 

for the most part allow yourself to be where you are --- in shock, and take time to cry, talk it out with people, rest when you can, eat when you can (you have the right idea already) BE SELFISH !!

 

it is okay to be selfish right now, because you have told you are on your own, by your H, no it is not what you want, but it is what has happened, so that only leaves you to take care of you. He won’t take care you he left the scene, you cannot be motivated to take care of him, he is no longer willing to let you, so what is left -for now- a relationship you are in alone!!!

 

What people mean by taking care of you is to think just about yourself and your needs right now!

 

Not the “un-healthy" kind of selfish, the kind of selfish that has your best interest right now, it is called self preservation.

 

Doing things to help you deal with what is going on, not what you hope will happen but what is happening.

 

Think of you first in all you do---not what he would think about it what you’re doing, or doing things to try to manipulate him, he will resent that.

 

What he needs is you to respect (not agree) his decision, and if you do not do that now, communication will become harder later ---if he does decide to change his mind and talk.

 

And never worry there is someone very worthy of you and will always want to be with you … that is YOU!!

 

Never let someone else decide your worth…. Even someone that loves you, they could die or leave and you will be lost … you decide your worth and only you!!!

 

You sound like a beautiful person that loves very deeply and with all you have, give some of that love to you, you deserve it and need it and you will appreciate its true value better than anyone else will.

 

I hope this helped and I look forward to your next post …. Big big hugs for you !!!

[heartbrokenem]

to the moon and back - thank you for your kind words... made me tear up..

 

i am doing what i want right now. my friend asked me if i wanted to get out of the house and go for a walk or go cinema and i said that for now all i want to do is sit and cry. i know that i need to pull myself together, and i will. one day i will wake up and not want to just sit and mope, that i will want to keep busy. but im not ready yet.

 

my mum and dad keep checking in on me but its not helping me seeing them as upset as me. i need them to be strong and not disolve into tears everytime they look at me. seeing the pity in their eyes just makes me so much sadder.

 

i still cant eat, although i am starting to feel like eating... like my appetite is returning. before i just couldnt even think about food. even if infront of me - everything about it made me feel like throwing up, even if it wasnt infront of me.

 

but that constant sick feeling is starting to go. and i 'fancy' KFC but i dont think i could physically eat it... but im taking it as a positive step that at least im considering eating something.

 

'luckily' i have tomorrow off work. work have said to take as long as i need - but i dont know how long i need. i feel like i will take each day as it comes but i cant see wanting to go back, but then the longer i leave it the harder it will be.

 

it might do me good to get back into a routine, get out of the house... but i cant face being there the whole day - not at the moment where im literally crying everyday... and my job is stressful anyway - i need to be strong at work and i cant be that at the moment.

 

this is just the hardest thing isnt it?