Relocating to the US.

[zombiehammer]

Hi, everyone. I hope I can get some good advice on the practicalites of the below.

 

I have been with my wife for over fourteen years, and we have two children. I have been wanting to leave her for the majority of that time, as there has never been any trust, nor true love. She has caused me to lose all my friends. I have recently found the strength to leave her.

 

I am doing this in a month or so.

 

It just so happens I have met a girl from seattle, through a community blog site. And she wants to be with me. At this juncture, I feel it important to say I am not leaving for her. I am doing it for the right reasons. She will wait.

 

I am seeing her in december in the uk when she comes over for xmas. If we get on half as well as we do by email, then the plan is to maybe go home with her, and stay at her house. My worldly possessions will be in a rucksack.

Now, I am currently out of work due to depression and anxiety, caused by low self respect that forms the basis of my marriage. I have nowhere to stay in the uk, as all my friends have gone. And I love my american friend.

 

I will have a plane ticket, my rucksack, and thats it. I want to go to seattle with her, live together for a few months.

 

I don't want to sponge off her, so i'll want to get an unskilled job when I get there.

 

What do I need for this? Do I need a full work visa? Will I be allowed into the country without a means to support myself, or could she say that she is going to support me?

 

I'm lost and very, very scared. Can anyone offer any practical advice?

 

Thanks for reading. X

[aerogurl87]

Practical advice:

 

Step 1: Separate from your wife if you haven't done so.

Step 2: Get a divorce.

Step 3: Get a job as you're gonna need one.

Step 4: Go meet this girl in person more than once and spend at least a month with her in person. 4 week minimum.

Step 5: Look into the immigration process if all goes well with her. Hence why you need a job because it's going to cost you.

Step 6: Find a way to immigrate LEGALLY and move.

[Swordkiss]

What about your kids?

 

I hope they mean something more to you then your current wife atleast...

[zombiehammer]

What about your kids?

 

I hope they mean something more to you then your current wife atleast...

 

Thank you, aerogurl and swordkiss.

 

Firstly, yes, I adore my kids. Of course I do. Given my wife's emotional stability, I will have to keep my distance until the dust settles. Previous female friends (ie - just friends) have had threats of violence, and so have I if I ever leave. So I have to judge this correctly. If I stick around, the kids will suffer more. I will sort out access, hopefully in an amicable way, rather than drag it through the courts.

 

And, aerogurl, thanks again. Due to the above, a divorce is going to be hard work. Luckily, I don't want anything but my clothes, my sketchbooks, my mp3 player and a couple of pictures. She and the kids will keep the rest. I think I may spend the time with her in the uk, and go to seattle when she returns for perhaps a month. Then come back, sort the divorce, then, all being well, emigrate when I can.

 

What kind of costs are involved in work visas? I will do everything above board. And what else would I need? Just a work visa and to prove she will support me?

[anne1707]

You are implying that your wife is emotionally unstable yet you are prepared to disappear to another country and leave your children with her. How does that work?

[allina]

You are implying that your wife is emotionally unstable yet you are prepared to disappear to another country and leave your children with her. How does that work?

 

Right? What a horrible "father." Can't support his kids financially and now is disappearing to another country to live off of some new woman.

 

OP, divorce your wife if you want but how dare you do this to your children? Do you have any idea what sort of damage you will be doing to them? Loser!

[sweetjasmine]

I don't mean to sound insulting, but it's pretty obvious that you haven't even begun to think this through.

 

You can't just get a visa, pack up, move to the US, mooch off of someone else, and look for a job. In order to get a work visa, you have to get a prospective employer to sponsor you. You have to already have a job offer. And since work visas are temporary, you have to prove that you have a residence in your home country and that you're not intending to abandon it.

 

If you were serious about this, you would have read all the information the State Department and USCIS have posted on their websites about visas, temporary stays, and immigration.

[zombiehammer]

Right? What a horrible "father." Can't support his kids financially and now is disappearing to another country to live off of some new woman.

 

OP, divorce your wife if you want but how dare you do this to your children? Do you have any idea what sort of damage you will be doing to them? Loser!

 

That was extremely constructive. Thank you.

 

I have severe depression, which you may have noticed written above. Hence why I cannot support them without government support. In addition to this, my wife has used emotional blackmail and threats to cause the loss of three jobs in the past two years. So i'm not just a lazy get who wants to sit on his arse. Even if I go for a walk, I will get five texts every ten mins. You may see a pattern emerging. I want to get away so I can make a fresh start and begin supporting them. I will see them as much as I can. Plus the internet will be a good facilitator for communication. If you can offer such constructive critisism, i'm sure I can talk to my kids.

 

And anne, thanks for a more reasoned question. My wifes emotional instability is directly caused by a severe over reliance on me. While I am here, She is not growing and becoming strong. I want her to be happy, she isn't with me as I am not giving in any more. She is a great mother and she has a great support network here. If I stay, it will compound matters, and, trust me, make it worse.

 

I thank you for your comments. I don't mind responding, but Does anyone understand the legalities of going to the us with no money or job?

[allina]

 

I have severe depression, which you may have noticed written above. Hence why I cannot support them without government support.

 

So get help to better yourself, see a therapist and doctor. Get counseling or medication. By just disappearing you're likely to leave your kids suffering from depression and abandonment issues.

 

 

Does anyone understand the legalities of going to the us with no money or job?

 

We'll toss you back

[zombiehammer]

Argh! I'm not explaining my situation very well at all.

 

Ok, the person who mentioned the organisations I should be contacting - thats why I posted here, to find out that stuff. Thanks, I will look at the sites.

 

I am not abandoning my kids. Officially, i'll be living with my mum. But i'm going to the US for a month or so, coming back, arranging a divorce, sorting the children, then thinking about my movements from there. Thats it. I just needed to know how the legalities work in the US. Plus my only internet access is my mobile, as I get abuse when I use the computer, so it is hard to search properly. I will begin with the organisations mentioned earlier.

[mona77]

I would recommend you check out visajourney.com for more info. Coming here with no job and no money to be with someone you only know through the net won't look good to an immigration officer and may get you sent back.

[zombiehammer]

I would recommend you check out visajourney.com for more info. Coming here with no job and no money to be with someone you only know through the net won't look good to an immigration officer and may get you sent back.

 

Thankyou. That is very helpful, mona. I will spend time with her, come back and then apply. After all, we need to make sure we get on first.

Thanks again.

[Omei]

That was extremely constructive. Thank you.

 

I have severe depression, which you may have noticed written above. Hence why I cannot support them without government support. In addition to this, my wife has used emotional blackmail and threats to cause the loss of three jobs in the past two years. So i'm not just a lazy get who wants to sit on his arse. Even if I go for a walk, I will get five texts every ten mins. You may see a pattern emerging. I want to get away so I can make a fresh start and begin supporting them. I will see them as much as I can. Plus the internet will be a good facilitator for communication. If you can offer such constructive critisism, i'm sure I can talk to my kids.

 

Meh I see this and I think "excuses" my ex of 5 years who I have a child with has the same story as you, no job and he can't get one because he's "depressed" well its 4 years later hes still depressed.

 

Listen if you want to be there for your kids that's great, if you're no longer happy with your wife get a divorce, you want to get away by all means get away but I don't think now is the time to latch onto someone else and drag your issues there, you seem unstable.

 

I don't see you as someone that's ready to jump right into another relationship I see this new girl as your run away ticket.

 

Concentrate on getting yourself out of your depression, get yourself your own place and job and work on being better for yourself and your kids.

 

A new woman is so not the answer! even if you like her.

[kuma]

I don't see you as someone that's ready to jump right into another relationship I see this new girl as your run away ticket.

 

Concentrate on getting yourself out of your depression, get yourself your own place and job and work on being better for yourself and your kids.

 

A new woman is so not the answer! even if you like her.

 

I agree 100%. Running away is not going to solve your problems.

[zombiehammer]

Meh I see this and I think "excuses" my ex of 5 years who I have a child with has the same story as you, no job and he can't get one because he's "depressed" well its 4 years later hes still depressed.

 

Listen if you want to be there for your kids that's great, if you're no longer happy with your wife get a divorce, you want to get away by all means get away but I don't think now is the time to latch onto someone else and drag your issues there, you seem unstable.

 

I don't see you as someone that's ready to jump right into another relationship I see this new girl as your run away ticket.

 

Concentrate on getting yourself out of your depression, get yourself your own place and job and work on being better for yourself and your kids.

 

A new woman is so not the answer! even if you like her.

 

Good lord. Wife is cause of joblessness and depression. Divorce wife, get job, rebuild myself. What is so hard to understand there?

 

This isn't some other woman. This is someone who supports me without pressure, who will wait for me if necessary. Thats it.

[Omei]

Good lord. Wife is cause of joblessness and depression. Divorce wife, get job, rebuild myself. What is so hard to understand there?

 

This isn't some other woman. This is someone who supports me without pressure, who will wait for me if necessary. Thats it.

 

Sorry but no human being can be the pure cause of your joblessness and self depression, your marriage and its troubles may have added but stop blaming your wife for your problems.

 

Of course this other woman supports you without pressure she hasn't had to deal with you yet RL, until you're self stable I don't see anything working out.

 

Say you did move in with this woman in the state you are in now? Do you think she's not gonna realize how unstable you are mentally and physically? How long do you think this woman's gonna be head over heals for you while you pick up the pieces of your life?

Edited October 9, 2010 by Omei

[zombiehammer]

Genuinely, I would not be like this if she didn't treat me like this. I have been through two counsellers and a behavioural therapist. I have dealt with every demon I have except my inability to be strong and not get walked all over. That is it.

 

I have been nothing but honest with her. She knows I am going to be a mess for a while.

 

Oh, and I am not running away. I need to work out how to live without being told what I can and can't do.

[TMichaels]

Oh, and I am not running away. I need to work out how to live without being told what I can and can't do.

 

Well then, you'd best forget about thinking you're going to just pack your rucksack, get on a plane and get yourself a job in the good 'ol USA.

 

It doesn't work that way -- especially for immigrants. Hasn't for years and it's much worse since 9-11 and the "Big R" the States is still wallowing in.

 

Instead of defending your moral position, you'd best spend your time on-line hanging out in some of the forums specifically dedicated to immigration issues. Other posters have already pointed you in good directions to explore.

 

Go do that, and you'll have a much better handle on the situation instead of romantic ideals that just don't square with reality.

 

Good luck,

TMichaels

[aerogurl87]

zombiehammer if your wife is emotionally abusive like you say she is then get some ironclad proof of her abuse. Save texts and emails, find some way to record her threats on tape, basically do everything you need to do to have proof to the courts that she is indeed a psycho, abusive woman when you go to divorce her. Then get custody of your kids, get help and a job, and THEN when you are mentally healthy again meet this new woman. Until all those things are done, you don't need to be even entertaining the idea of moving to the States with this new woman.

[Citizen Erased]

There is no way you're going to be able to get into the US. You don't even just need a job there to be able to be sponsored in, you can't be a waiter and then get given a working visa, doesn't work that way. If you're going to get in, you'll more than likely have to marry this woman. The one you haven't even met and is looking so good right now cos of your current crappy relationship.

 

I don't think too many immigration officials are going to take a shine to you if you're married, have kids, and are wanting to enter their country with no assurance you can support yourself.

 

Sort your life out. You may actually want to meet this woman before you start making plans.

[Rollercoasterr]

Work visas are damn near impossible for an unskilled worker to get, if not entirely impossible. An employer has to pay money for you to get that visa, so most aren't willing to throw it away on someone who isn't going to make them a ton of money or do something special. Theres student visas, but you're not a student, are you?

 

That being said, there's the family visas. One in which you get married first, then apply, but you're apart the entire process of up to a year. And then there's the K-1, or fiance visa. That one is what my husband and I did and two other posters on this board are doing. It can take anywhere from 6 months to a year to process before you're even allowed to live together.

 

All of these require money and time. Both of which you don't seem to have, correct? Best bet is to get yourself some help, a job, and sort your life out. It will be better in the end.

 

Oh, and a little tip. If you come into the US and just decide to stay(without a visa), after 180 days you've got yourself a 3 year ban and after 365 days of stay it's an automatic 10 year ban.

 

Definitely check out visajourney.com. It's where I got all of my info from when my husband and I did our visa. I would have been lost without it.

 

Most importantly, you have children. I'm sorry but it's a terrible, terrible idea to leave your kids to go live off of another woman. And yes, that's what you'd be doing. You're so ready to leave your kids at the drop of a hat that you've barely thought about them or their needs. You say your wife is unstable, but who is going to protect them from that when you've dropped them? Personally, it makes me sick to think that someone could do that to lives who didn't ask to be brought into the world but who did ask to be loved and protected from things that could harm them, not leave them when something better came along.

Edited October 10, 2010 by Rollercoasterr