Engadget Posted October 9, 2010 Share Posted October 9, 2010 Well we've been dating almost two months now, and I care about her so much. She has never been in a real serious relationship like we're in, so a lot of this is new to her and I understand fully. Her anger/jealousy over this girl is justified too, however don't say "Well don't be friends with her" I'm debating that despite not being willing to give up a friend. I spent 6 years with my ex and lost a lot of friends, so I'm not ready to throw people aside because my girlfriend is unhappy. I would never cheat, but there's a definite attraction with this girl and she's made it obvious to me that she's interested too without having to say it. My girlfriend got upset with her the last time we all went out (co-workers and friends) because this girl wouldn't look my girlfriend in the eye at any point. She obviously wouldn't make eye contact because she wants me, and we also all went out last night. My girlfriend was so angry at her just being there (which she originally wasn't supposed to be) she got up and went inside the bar. Then the other girl made a comment about "his weird girlfriend" that I heard as I went inside too. I can't prove she was talking about my girlfriend, but no one else there had a girlfriend with them. So basically the situation is about to explode and my girlfriend is ready to fight her. It just sucks because I don't want to have to not be friends with this girl over this. Link to post Share on other sites
Kendrick Posted October 9, 2010 Share Posted October 9, 2010 (edited) Obviously your g/f can pick up on signals that this other girl likes you. Even you said there was a definite attraction towards her. She could possibly sense you do as well and just hasn't mentioned it. Its good though that you understand your g/f feelings about it are justified. Because, she does sense something. Whether she has insecurity issues or not, (maybe due to it being her first real relationship) the bottom line is, I doubt you'll be able to have it both ways. I say as long as the other girl is in your life there is going to be some issues between her and your g/f. I do think at some point you will have to choose. Its kind of not fair for you (not that you have, but could at some point) to tell her to stop being jealous, and its also kind of not fair for you to remain friends with her, regardless of how your g/f feels all because you have an attraction towards her. Why is so important to remain friends with her? Do you not want to lose the friendship because you do have that attraction? If you didn't have attraction towards other friends in the past that you did lose, then you really can't compare with with this friend. Edited October 9, 2010 by Kendrick Link to post Share on other sites
Author Engadget Posted October 9, 2010 Author Share Posted October 9, 2010 Obviously your g/f can pick up on signals that this other girl likes you. Even you said there was a definite attraction towards her. She could possibly sense you do as well and just hasn't mentioned it. Its good though that you understand your g/f feelings about it are justified. Because, she does sense something. Whether she has insecurity issues or not, (maybe due to it being her first real relationship) the bottom line is, I doubt you'll be able to have it both ways. I say as long as the other girl is in your life there is going to be some issues between her and your g/f. I do think at some point you will have to choose. Its kind of not fair for you (not that you have, but could at some point) to tell her to stop being jealous, and its also kind of not fair for you to remain friends with her, regardless of how your g/f feels all because you have an attraction towards her. Why is so important to remain friends with her? Do you not want to lose the friendship because you do have that attraction? If you didn't have attraction towards other friends in the past that you did lose, then you really can't compare with with this friend. She picks up on it because I was honest and told her that it's blatant to me she wants me. She touches me, gives me these looks that say it all and all that. It's important because we click as friends ignoring any physical attraction, and I lost a lot of friends because of my ex. I'm not willing to do that again, I'm doing what I want and not letting a girlfriend dictate who I can and can't be friends with. They are absolutely ready to fight each other though, and I won't lie...I like that in the attention getting sort of way. I mean this girl said "No one wants to see him and his weird girlfriend together" as I walked away, loud enough for me to hear it. Link to post Share on other sites
Kendrick Posted October 9, 2010 Share Posted October 9, 2010 What is it that is keeping you with your g/f then? Are there things with her that outweigh that of you being with your friend? If you like your friend and she likes you, then maybe you two need to be together. I still say though, if you keep your g/f and your other friend there is going to be friction. I wouldn't think that would be good for any of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Engadget Posted October 9, 2010 Author Share Posted October 9, 2010 What is it that is keeping you with your g/f then? Are there things with her that outweigh that of you being with your friend? If you like your friend and she likes you, then maybe you two need to be together. I still say though, if you keep your g/f and your other friend there is going to be friction. I wouldn't think that would be good for any of you. I love my girlfriend, and want to be with her and be friends with the other girl. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted October 9, 2010 Share Posted October 9, 2010 The situation broken down: "Another girl likes me and my g/f can't stand her because she knows it. But I'm not willing to give up the female friend due to previous baggage and if I'm honest, enjoy the ego stroke." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Kendrick Posted October 9, 2010 Share Posted October 9, 2010 I love my girlfriend, and want to be with her and be friends with the other girl. I understand. I just think there is going to be conflict with the both of them as long as they both remain in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Engadget Posted October 9, 2010 Author Share Posted October 9, 2010 The situation broken down: "Another girl likes me and my g/f can't stand her because she knows it. But I'm not willing to give up the female friend due to previous baggage and if I'm honest, enjoy the ego stroke." It's not previous baggage, it's the opposite. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted October 9, 2010 Share Posted October 9, 2010 It's not previous baggage, it's the opposite. I spent 6 years with my ex and lost a lot of friends, so I'm not ready to throw people aside because my girlfriend is unhappy. The above is baggage since your current g/f is paying the price for your past relationship. You'd better decide what's more important to you. Your current g/f or your baggage combined with some ego stroking. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Engadget Posted October 9, 2010 Author Share Posted October 9, 2010 The above is baggage since your current g/f is paying the price for your past relationship. You'd better decide what's more important to you. Your current g/f or your baggage combined with some ego stroking. I'm being independent and NOT losing friends because of mistakes I made in the past, I don't think you understand baggage. You're frequently wrong by the way, just letting you know Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted October 9, 2010 Share Posted October 9, 2010 I'm being independent and NOT losing friends because of mistakes I made in the past, I don't think you understand baggage. You're frequently wrong by the way, just letting you know And you're frequently in denial. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Engadget Posted October 9, 2010 Author Share Posted October 9, 2010 And you're frequently in denial. Way to pass judgment when you don't know someone. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted October 9, 2010 Share Posted October 9, 2010 Way to pass judgment when you don't know someone.Turn the mirror buddy. This is getting uber stupid. I'm out. Link to post Share on other sites
sweetjasmine Posted October 9, 2010 Share Posted October 9, 2010 She touches me, gives me these looks that say it all and all that. [...] I mean this girl said "No one wants to see him and his weird girlfriend together" as I walked away, loud enough for me to hear it. That's all disrespectful to your girlfriend and to your relationship. Your girlfriend isn't being "insanely" jealous in getting upset by it, but I think you're too distracted by the attention to notice that she's being reasonable. I'd be pissed off too if my SO let a girl who's jealous of me touch him and talk sh-t about me in front of other friends and colleagues. And I'd be even more pissed off if he enjoyed it. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmasMuse Posted October 9, 2010 Share Posted October 9, 2010 You might not have to worry about choosing between either of them, not that you were going to choose, but your girlfriend might chose for you. If she breaks things off with you, then you're free to pursue whatever with your friend. I would think your girlfriend would get tired of all of this. Then again, if she has low self esteem and is needy she might just hang on to you, in hopes things will change. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Engadget Posted October 9, 2010 Author Share Posted October 9, 2010 That's all disrespectful to your girlfriend and to your relationship. Your girlfriend isn't being "insanely" jealous in getting upset by it, but I think you're too distracted by the attention to notice that she's being reasonable. I'd be pissed off too if my SO let a girl who's jealous of me touch him and talk sh-t about me in front of other friends and colleagues. And I'd be even more pissed off if he enjoyed it. 1. I know she's being reasonable, I said that. Where's my jump to conclusions mat? 2. I want to be FRIENDS with this girl. Link to post Share on other sites
tigressA Posted October 9, 2010 Share Posted October 9, 2010 It doesn't matter what YOU want to do with your friend, Engadget. The fact remains that your friend wants to be more than friends and she makes it obvious to you and to your girlfriend. You really will have to make a choice here. It's not possible to remain friends with this girl without continuing, escalating drama between all three of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Engadget Posted October 9, 2010 Author Share Posted October 9, 2010 It doesn't matter what YOU want to do with your friend, Engadget. The fact remains that your friend wants to be more than friends and she makes it obvious to you and to your girlfriend. You really will have to make a choice here. It's not possible to remain friends with this girl without continuing, escalating drama between all three of you. Yeah, it'll work out somehow. Link to post Share on other sites
sweetjasmine Posted October 9, 2010 Share Posted October 9, 2010 1. I know she's being reasonable, I said that. Where's my jump to conclusions mat? 2. I want to be FRIENDS with this girl. So you agree that your girlfriend is being reasonable (even though your thread title says "insanely jealous"). And you want to be friends with the girl who's jealous of your girlfriend and wants more than friendship with you. So what are you going to do? What are you asking here? You can't both be in a relationship and be friends with a third person who doesn't respect that relationship and its boundaries and who wants you all to herself. Why do you want to be friends with someone who doesn't respect the boundaries of your relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmasMuse Posted October 9, 2010 Share Posted October 9, 2010 This is not about either of them. Its not about the love for your girlfriend or the friendship with this other friend. Its about your ego and what each of these girls can bring to the relationship to stroke that ego for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Cee Posted October 9, 2010 Share Posted October 9, 2010 I see this issue is thornier in regards to your female friend than for your girlfriend. With your girlfriend, you can provide reassurance and be truthful with her. You can hold her at night and make her feel like the most important person in the world. If you are good to your GF and are trustworthy, she will relax over time. I'm more worried for your female friend. I have been in her position many times and it is incredibly painful. Either I walk away from the friendship or I kill the feelings, but that's not easy. If you can be so honest with your GF, then you owe the same thing to your friend. Talk to her about what you see. Tell her you are attracted so that she doesn't feel crazy for seeing signs of interest. Be firm that it will only ever be platonic. If you are good friends, she will likely open up. I don't know if she'll tell you the whole truth, but she'll tell you what she feels safe to tell. Be an extraordinary friend to your female friend. Be loyal and steadfast and never send mixed signals. Don't flirt, no matter how drunk or lonely or lovestruck you are. You wouldn't flirt with a guy friend so don't do that with her. My guy friends have been so amazing to me over the years. In fact, one of them saved my life (literally). I commend you for caring about your friend. In my opinion, I think friendship is more satisfying and long-lasting than romance. There. I'll stop. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
tigressA Posted October 9, 2010 Share Posted October 9, 2010 (edited) If you can be so honest with your GF, then you owe the same thing to your friend. Talk to her about what you see. Tell her you are attracted so that she doesn't feel crazy for seeing signs of interest. Be firm that it will only ever be platonic. If you are good friends, she will likely open up. I don't know if she'll tell you the whole truth, but she'll tell you what she feels safe to tell. WHAT?!! In reference to the bolded. All that will do is give her more of a reason to get between him and his girlfriend! From what the OP posted it's clearer than crystal that she does not respect his relationship at all. This will only give her more of a justification to continue doing that and the drama will escalate. It won't matter that he says it's only ever going to be platonic. Dollars to donuts, she will only hear that he is attracted to her. That is what people do when they have romantic feelings for someone. They interpret anything positive as interest and ignore everything else, or if they're really in denial, even spin negative things into signs of interest. Edited October 9, 2010 by tigressA Link to post Share on other sites
Andy_K Posted October 9, 2010 Share Posted October 9, 2010 That is a very good point... it may even be worth saying something like "I find the way you act around my girlfriend disrespectful, which is a really unattractive trait." If she likes you that much, and is under the impression certain behaviour turns you off, there's a good chance she'll change that behaviour. Ideally it would be nice if she did it out of respect for you, but clearly she hasn't so appealing to her selfish nature might be your next best bet. Link to post Share on other sites
abouttoloseit Posted October 9, 2010 Share Posted October 9, 2010 "Platonic". I only ever hear this word from those who have plenty of people who find them attractive. Engadget: Ur either enjoying the ego or ur a wuss. I think its the former. I mean who wouldn't right? That's ok until you're in a relationship. Which you are. C'mon sort it out. It's never going to be a "platonic" relationship, because your female "friend" want's to do rude things to your c*ck. And you have admitted you like her too. I can't beleive Im having to explain this lol. This is a wind up surely? If you want to be "friends"...end it with your girlfriend. Because it's not really gonna be "friends" is it...come dude admit it. Link to post Share on other sites
BellaBellaBella Posted October 10, 2010 Share Posted October 10, 2010 Wow, I tell my boyfriend I am attracted to some guy. Then said guy is rude to my bf and shows blatant attraction to me. Makes rude remarks about my bf in my hearing. I am saying friends with this guy to hell with what my dissed BF. I think you have some great ego working for you and you deserved to be dumped on your ass by your girlfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
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