He was telling the truth the whole time

[pureinheart]

Sorry your man didn't marry you or find that you were all that.

 

And you should take your own advice and look twice when you cross the street. The advice you've been giving for the past couple of months is pretty much hypocritical. You WERE an OW, don't forget that.

 

I know I married a man who has the balls to stand up in front of the world and say that he was wrong in how he did what he did and make amends for it. Now if that isn't having balls and integrity I don't know what is. It's easy to say you have integrity when you haven't had to face right vs. wrong yet.

 

GEL

 

You know GEL, I get pissed at exDM, and he was a jerk during the D ( I gave it right back and then some), BUT he FINALLY got the courage to let an abusive W go and go through with the D. Just like KTD's MM...an abusive W. I agree with you completely, and I'm sure you or I will find a partial quote of ours, taken completely out of context over in the infidelity forum shortly.

 

What KTD described is exactly what exDM told me that went on in his home, in fact it was worse... his sister told me it was so bad he wanted to take his own life MANY times because he didn't know what to do anymore.

 

KTD...my advice would be to encourage MM to stay out of this abusive R...this is exactly why I took the stand I did, it is why I knew the M would end.

 

Be his friend BEFORE anything, it is what he needs, someone he can trust, should he become abusive cut off communication until he can act right. He will be going through a lot.

 

The mistake I made was I lost myself in his world...it was all about him, which is perfectly normal. I didn't use good judgement and was basically putting myself out there as the "sacrificial lamb". His perception was way off also.

 

I lost me.

Edited October 10, 2010 by pureinheart

[turnstone]

Quite frankly, CPS can have a case against HIM too for allowing that in the house and putting those kids in danger. Doesn't matter if it wasn't "his" - he knew of it and yes, he and her can BOTH lose those kids.

 

Sorry, but I find him pathetic for allowing all the drugs in the house AND for NOT being there for his kids. Can you image if one of those kids ingested the drugs, not knowing what they were? Can you image how many of them have been affected by the pot smoke in the house? Disgusting.

 

IMHO, you would be a fool to insert yourself into all this while things are so messed up. Let him divorce and not drag you through it all. You can be a friend to him with out being a part of it all. And even though drugs were found, that does NOT mean he will get custody. Seen it too many times (I know a great deal about the court system as I have worked in that field - with the Department of Social Services). He still has an uphill battle; and he will have to explain to the court why he allowed a known drug user to be left alone and raising the kids, especially if it is found out that he was off having an affair and willingly leaving the kids with her.

 

People post their views; I know some women don't like the fact that others heavily caution OW to not believe all they are told; but the statistics on here alone SHOW that MANY, MANY MM LIE to the OW; and not just the wife It is more the rule than the exception.

 

Karma, be careful. I know you love this guy; but he has a lot of sorting out of things to do. Love him, care about him and want to be with him; but LET HIM sort it out. Be a friend to him; but do NOT continue to go to his home and for the love of God, do NOT start inserting yourself as "mom" to his kids nor let his kids know about you. It it TOO SOON and will do a lot of damage to them. They are already going to be having to deal with their parents and their drama, they do not need to have you around and wonder about you taking their dad away from them. They need stability and time to adjust.

 

All this is just the beginning of a very long and drama filled journey. Good luck with dealing all this.

 

I'm very inclined to agree with FO's post here, if for no other reason than this amount and type of baggage doesn't often end well and when it does, its taken a long, long time to get there.

 

Also, its really hard being a step parent, especially a step mom when your step children have issues with their real mother, so that's also maybe something you need to investigate how to handle if you and he make something of this.

 

The other thing I'd be worried about is the parenting skills of this man. Whatever the status of the law in your state and the repercussions, anyone involved in that kind of scenario and who would allow their children to be around it, would make my eyebrows raise and I'd be thinking twice about what sort of person they were. Yes, I understand how people can become desensitized and act inappropriately when in an abusive relationship, but it doesn't mean they must be rescued or not take responsibility for their actions themselves. I hope he recognises he maybe has issues that could do with looking at for everyone's sake.

 

I'm a little puzzled by something, may be someone could clear it up for me, why did the police leave any of her drug paraphernalia at the house?

[SidLyon]

OMG, I don't know where to begin. After yesterday morning him telling me yet again that he was still working on forgiving W and giving her a second chance we said our goodbyes. I asked him not to contact me' unless he was single. As has been very hot topic lately you know I have been questioning his honesty. Everyone opened my eyes to how far fetched his horror stories about his W were. I began to believe myself that I had the wool pulled over my eyes this whole time.

 

But everything unfolded yesterday afternoon, and at 5:30 I got a text saying it was over and she was gone. I of course asked what happened.

 

Yesterday as he got home from work she met him in the driveway. They had been arguing by phone for most of the day. First thing she does is start calling him names and wants to see his phone to do her inspection. It's clean. She still doesn't believe he cut the ties despite promising her. She has been having affairs too so he said well all's fair, let me' see your phone. She refused and he took it

from her hand. She went ballistic on him and started clawing at him and punching him in the

Face and pulling his shirt by the collar doing anything she could to get it back from him. Them she threatened to call the cops if he didn't give it back so he called her a psycho lieng bitch and handed it to her saying, so call them. So she pulls up the number and starts to dial then hangs up on the dispatch. She said f you and started walking down the street. A few minutes later the cops are at his door and ask who called 911 and if there was an emergency. He told them him and his wife had an argument but that it was over and she went walking off down the street. His shirt was still half hanging off of him, arms and neck welted and bloody and eye puffy. They assumed instant domestic violence and began questioning him while the other officer went to find W. When he returned he had spoken to her and seen she didn't have a mark on her. So when they got there they asked him what he wanted to do and said they could take her in for assault. He said he just wanted her to leave...and have it documented for his custody case. Because the children witnessed it the police told him that it would not only be documented but also they would have to turn it over to child protective services for investigation. At which point as they were coming in the house to make sure all the kids were safe he advised them that wife is a heavy pot smoker and he wants all her stuff confiscated and documented as well. Told him he wants it out of his house. At which point he walks them over to her stash and pulls out a garbage bag full of trimmings that are remnants from a dispensary as well as another gallon size freezer bag full of more. Cops were shocked and had to call supervisor to request permission not to have to take her in just based on the sheer volume. They left it at confiscating the marijuana and saying a report would be given to the DA to determine if they would prosecute as well as cps. They advised him not to let her stay in the home because she was an endangerment to the children. So when she came back to the house he told her what happened and to pack her bags and leave immediately. He took her phone, house keys, garage door opener, and told her not to come back to the house unless she set up a time to do so to get the rest of her stuff. So she did and left. He asked his mom to keep the kids last night. After talking to him most of the evening, still kinda shocked and him very shaken himself, he asked me' to come over and spend the night with him. Ive never been to his house. Met his family, but stayed away from their home. When I arrived all his story just fell into truths. He was physically tore up in marks all over him and the shirt he had on before was rui Ed from being so stretched at the collar. She had drug pariphanalia all over the house. Pipes, bongs, 6 lighters in her underwear drawer, even a fuzzy blanket with a pot leaf on it. He had also always said he never shared the bed with her...that he had been sleeping on either the sofa or an air matress for years, and sure enough there was an air mattress with a fitted sheet propped up against the living room wall, with blankets and pillows folded next to it on the ground. The next morning I jumped to the sound of banging on the window...and she was trying to get in the house. She started shouting through the window for him to open the door and let her in to get her stuff and just use the bathroom. He told her to leave or he was calling the cops...that she wasn't coming in the house. She then started to jump the fence and proceed to pull the screen off the window to get in. He had me' set in his kids room while he got her out of there. She climbed in and he started yelling at her to leave immediately. I could hear her scream g at him about turning in her drugs. She got irate. Heard him tell her to get her hands off of him. Then he called 911 and started to report her breaking in. She left.

 

Umm - I "get" that something really bad happened in the MM's family, but I don't actually see what this has to do with the MM's overall level of truthfulness.

 

Frankly this whole mess neither proves nor disproves whether he was telling the truth the whole time (and by implication) about everything.

 

Really this situation is so appalling that I can't see how anyone, OW or not would want to be involved.

[Fieldsofgold]

And when will the OW on LS learn that being thrown under the bus is just par for the course and to be expected? It has nothing to do with whether the MM loves her or not, and everything to do with him being conflicted, torn and trying to do the right thing.

 

Really? I guess I just assumed this didn't happen to the OW who married their MM. I can't imagine those ladies putting up with it. (I'm being serious, not catty.) I just can't imagine GEL or OWoman putting up with that for one minute.

 

I couldn't. I guess I just have a low tolerance for being someone's shoe-wipe - whether they are married or single.

[Fieldsofgold]

. . . this amount and type of baggage doesn't often end well and when it does, its taken a long, long time to get there.

 

Also, its really hard being a step parent, especially a step mom when your step children have issues with their real mother, so that's also maybe something you need to investigate how to handle if you and he make something of this.

 

The other thing I'd be worried about is the parenting skills of this man. Whatever the status of the law in your state and the repercussions, anyone involved in that kind of scenario and who would allow their children to be around it, would make my eyebrows raise and I'd be thinking twice about what sort of person they were. Yes, I understand how people can become desensitized and act inappropriately when in an abusive relationship, but it doesn't mean they must be rescued or not take responsibility for their actions themselves. I hope he recognises he maybe has issues that could do with looking at for everyone's sake.

 

I'm a little puzzled by something, may be someone could clear it up for me, why did the police leave any of her drug paraphernalia at the house?

 

I have to agree with this, and it has nothing to do with him being MM. He has a lot of baggage and lacks a lot of skills. That, coupled with the fact that he was willing to treat you badly just the previous day - I don't think it bodes well.

 

I also wondered why they left the drug paraphernalia behind. Here, that would not happen.

Edited October 10, 2010 by Fieldsofgold

[Fieldsofgold]

.

 

. . . The mistake I made was I lost myself in his world...it was all about him, which is perfectly normal. I didn't use good judgement and was basically putting myself out there as the "sacrificial lamb". His perception was way off also.

 

I lost me.

 

This is my biggest concern for you, KTD. In your opening post of Stupid, you said he was offering you even less this time when he came back. He clearly was only concerned about getting his occasional needs met. For him to drag you into his marital mess by calling you over to spend the night as soon as this big blow-up happened, is once again only self-serving, IMO.

 

The other thing I thought, after what was certainly a horrible and traumatic event for his children, why wasn't he there for/with his kids? I would think it would be a great comfort to them to at least have Daddy with them, esp. not knowing what's going to happen to Mommy. I understand that they are with Grandma. IMO, if he was much of a man, and much of a daddy, he would be with his kids, wherever they were. He would have turned to his kids, to comforting and reassuring and caring for them, made them a priority at this time of THEIR crisis. Because it's a lot worse crisis for those little kids than for him.

 

I just think instead of him basking in your comfort and love at this time, he should be providing it for his kids. I think this speaks volumes about his character, compassion, and selflessness - or lack thereof.

 

Again, this has nothing to do with him being MM, and all to do with what kind of person he is. It speaks of one who would be more than willing for you to be the sacrificial lamb Pure spoke of.

 

(sorry for the partial quote, pure)

[Fieldsofgold]

Umm - I "get" that something really bad happened in the MM's family, but I don't actually see what this has to do with the MM's overall level of truthfulness.

 

Frankly this whole mess neither proves nor disproves whether he was telling the truth the whole time (and by implication) about everything.

 

Really this situation is so appalling that I can't see how anyone, OW or not would want to be involved.

 

I have to agree with this.

 

IMO, he has not yet demonstrated any real love or concern for KTD, her needs, or what is best for her, either before or after the incident. He is still just "taking."

 

As far as I can see, this is not about KTD "giving love a chance." This is about a man with a lot of issues, problems and baggage, who has demonstrated no reluctance in using you to get get his needs met, your needs be hanged.

 

Now that this episode has occurred, the inclination is to shower him with comfort and sympathy - the poor man, what he must have gone through. I just don't see anything to indicate he is a total victim here. IMO, he and his wife are about equally matched, and I think he realized that - that's why he wanted to give her a fair chance. Who knows, maybe he did a lot of things to drive her over the edge, emotionally. Not defending her, by any means, but mental abuse can be just as bad - sometimes worse - than physical abuse. Who knows what he may have put her through. I think there is a good chance he might take her back.

 

Or maybe he is a total victim, who is too weak and spineless to stand up to his wife, and remove his children from a dangerous and abusive environment. If that is the case, he is at high risk of throwing you under the bus once again, and going back to her.

 

Experience tells me that they are not through with each other. They will likely eventually divorce, but it won't likely be this time. And because he has once again turned to you to get his needs met, I'm afraid that you are now at greater risk of being hurt than before.

Edited October 10, 2010 by Fieldsofgold

[greengoddess]

This is my biggest concern for you, KTD. In your opening post of Stupid, you said he was offering you even less this time when he came back. He clearly was only concerned about getting his occasional needs met. For him to drag you into his marital mess by calling you over to spend the night as soon as this big blow-up happened, is once again only self-serving, IMO.

 

The other thing I thought, after what was certainly a horrible and traumatic event for his children, why wasn't he there for/with his kids? I would think it would be a great comfort to them to at least have Daddy with them, esp. not knowing what's going to happen to Mommy. I understand that they are with Grandma. IMO, if he was much of a man, and much of a daddy, he would be with his kids, wherever they were. He would have turned to his kids, to comforting and reassuring and caring for them, made them a priority at this time of THEIR crisis. Because it's a lot worse crisis for those little kids than for him.

 

I just think instead of him basking in your comfort and love at this time, he should be providing it for his kids. I think this speaks volumes about his character, compassion, and selflessness - or lack thereof.

 

Again, this has nothing to do with him being MM, and all to do with what kind of person he is. It speaks of one who would be more than willing for you to be the sacrificial lamb Pure spoke of.

 

(sorry for the partial quote, pure)

 

I can not agree more. I am just shocked that you would spend the night in this woman's and this FAMILY'S home right after this happened. It is so obtrusive and so wrong on so many levels. Honestly how cold can you get to stay in her house? The fight began because his wife is right he was still talking to you. This is not a good guy and you need to examine what kind of person you are that you would run over and spend the night in her home.

 

I wonder if greandmom has the kids because the police would not let them stay with either parent.

[WTFBBQ]

I've heard of a few couples who create these situations just for the makeup sex.

 

Totally unhealthy, but I hear the sex is really hot. He's still doin the deed with his wife, so this upcoming session should be particularly nasty.

 

My advice to the OP is this:

Ruuuuuuuuuuun, Forest, runnnnnnn.

[greengoddess]

can you imagine allowing this woman to drive your kids around that high all the time?? Wake up this guy is no good. He is a selfish ass. Sounds like he kept his wife around to be a babysitter for his kids so he can play with you. It certainly is not FOR the kids because no man who cares about his kids would allow them to live like this.

 

Well it looks like you got your prince. Good luck with him and his young children. Do you enjoy babysitting?

[porter218]

SOMEONE is lying.

 

911 can't trace a cell phone call to someone's home.

 

(I don't know anything about this story, and I stopped reading here. It just jumped out at me.)

 

I used to trace my xH all the time to his exact location within a couple yards. I could actually find out what room in what house he was in when he was states away. If go through your settings menu on your phone you will find GPS/Location and it will tell you that even if you turn it off that emergency services can still get your location. You ever used the navigation options on your phone to get direction....notice that the phone knows exactly where you are.

My xH gf used to call me to get me to track him for her(one of his previous OWs). Okay....back to topic.

 

I think that even KTB is not under the delusion that she has won Mr. Wonderful here so I don't get why everyone is coming down on her for choosing this guy. He isn't great and he did put his kids in a bad situation but you must keep in mind he was essentially in an abusive(emotionally) relationship. It may have been really hard for him to accept the fact that the kids very own mother was a bad choice of caretakers for them. Thats one hard pill to swallow.

[porter218]

I think one thing KTB is knowingly not mentioning is the fact that his W was selling drugs. I think this explains why she was associating with all the druggie guys as KTB says MM claims...also explains why she doesn't go to work...also explains why a not so SAHM type decides to stay at home.... and the list goes on. I am really wondering what role did he play in this. How did he allow his W to do this. Perhaps he was OK with it till she started cheating. Just thinking out loud here.

[KarmasTestDummy]

KTB:

 

Some people also hate when posters post support and encouragement and don't tell the poster to wait til the ink is dry. Why? Because they don't like that a spouse was stolen or because they didn't get THEIR man.

 

Do what you feel in your heart you should do. You'll find support from many here. PM whoever you feel comfortable with. I supported my man because I loved him. I didn't care what other people said, here or in real life. The road is hard and bumpy but like anything worth having, in the end it was worth it to me. I acted in a way that was true to myself-my heart and my soul. Act true to yourself, no matter what that may be.

 

And be aware. Be safe and protect yourself.

 

And if you ask many OW off the record, many have been to their MM homes at some point. So don't think that any of the OW judge you for that. We understand.

 

GEL

 

Waiting until the ink is dry isn't even a remote possibility for me. Talk about trying to chase them right back to the bs.

And I really feel no shame in going to his house either. I never have this entire time, but he felt comfortable with it and it is his home.

[Fieldsofgold]

I think one thing KTB is knowingly not mentioning is the fact that his W was selling drugs. I think this explains why she was associating with all the druggie guys as KTB says MM claims...also explains why she doesn't go to work...also explains why a not so SAHM type decides to stay at home.... and the list goes on. I am really wondering what role did he play in this. How did he allow his W to do this. Perhaps he was OK with it till she started cheating. Just thinking out loud here.

 

I think whatever was going on, MM was definitely in it up to his eyeballs, too. In fact, him outing the drugs to the police could have been his way of shifting blame to her. What if they were his drugs? What if he bought them, talked her into staying home and selling drugs, so she could be home with the kids while still generating income? Then the police show up, and he throws her under the bus by putting the blame all on her. That would make me want to claw his eyeballs out. Again, KTD, you are at the mercy of whatever he chooses to tell you, and whatever you choose to believe.

 

I still believe that, truthfully, you don't actually know any more than you did, except that there is a big mess going on in his family. Things are often not what they appear. Anything could be true. Keep hour eyes and mind wide open. As the old saying goes, don't believe anything you hear, and only half of what you see.

[KarmasTestDummy]

Gel, it's one thing to quietly keep seeing your MM while he is finalizing his D, it's another to have sleepovers RIGHT AFTER his wife left and all this stuff going on. It JUST happened and she's sleeping over there, being around their kids?

 

Those kids have to come first right now. And if that means K staying away from MM and his wife's house, being around their children, then that's what has to happen. Even if the circumstances were different, going into the marital house so quickly and being around the kids like seconds after, is just plain wrong and not fair to those little ones.

 

For everyone jumping on me' about the kids...please read again...THEY WERE NOT THERE. GRANDMA HAD THEM FOR THE NIGHT.what they went through was traumatizing enough. No I'm not going to just walk in and say hi I'm here to replace your mommy. He's VERY careful about his children and wants to protect them from as much of this as he can.

[Fieldsofgold]

For everyone jumping on me' about the kids...please read again...THEY WERE NOT THERE. GRANDMA HAD THEM FOR THE NIGHT.what they went through was traumatizing enough. No I'm not going to just walk in and say hi I'm here to replace your mommy. He's VERY careful about his children and wants to protect them from as much of this as he can.

 

This man is not even remotely careful about his children. He allowed them to be in a house full of dope with an alleged abusive dopehead - for years! Then the kids go through this horrendous crisis, Mommy disappears, and Daddy spends the night shagging you instead of being there for his kids? No, the man doesn't give a rat's a$$ about his kids. Getting his needs met is clearly his priority, every time. Sorry, but talk's cheap. His actions say otherwise.

[jthorne]

I think whatever was going on, MM was definitely in it up to his eyeballs, too. In fact, him outing the drugs to the police could have been his way of shifting blame to her. What if they were his drugs? What if he bought them, talked her into staying home and selling drugs, so she could be home with the kids while still generating income? Then the police show up, and he throws her under the bus by putting the blame all on her. That would make me want to claw his eyeballs out. Again, KTD, you are at the mercy of whatever he chooses to tell you, and whatever you choose to believe.

 

I still believe that, truthfully, you don't actually know any more than you did, except that there is a big mess going on in his family. Things are often not what they appear. Anything could be true. Keep hour eyes and mind wide open. As the old saying goes, don't believe anything you hear, and only half of what you see.

I'm glad I'm not the only one here with that opinion.

 

Going way out on a limb here, but the fact that the paraphernalia was left is troubling. Is there even any evidence of a police report? For all we know, they had a spat and SHE took the kids somewhere.

 

Look, if KTD wants to insert herself in that mess, that's her business. However, I think it would show a LACK of compassion on my part if I were to blindly encourage her to do so just because she loves him. If she loved a serial killer, would she get the same advice from the OW Squad? Because frankly, I see little difference. He's killing those kid's emotional health by allowing them to live in that situation, and perpetuating it by having an affair/gaslighting the W. Further, if he was a single guy treating her with such disrespect, I can't see how anyone would encourage her to continue.

 

Like others, I fear that when it's all said and done, she will have given a large part of herself to someone who wasn't anything like she thought he was.

 

Obviously, she will have to find that out for herself, and obviously, she will have LS support either way.

[Fieldsofgold]

Waiting until the ink is dry isn't even a remote possibility for me. Talk about trying to chase them right back to the bs.

And I really feel no shame in going to his house either. I never have this entire time, but he felt comfortable with it and it is his home.

 

I wish you well, and hope you have many years of happiness with him.

[jthorne]

This man is not even remotely careful about his children. He allowed them to be in a house full of dope with an alleged abusive dopehead - for years! Then the kids go through this horrendous crisis, Mommy disappears, and Daddy spends the night shagging you instead of being there for his kids? No, the man doesn't give a rat's a$$ about his kids. Getting his needs met is clearly his priority, every time. Sorry, but talk's cheap. His actions say otherwise.

Brings up a good point. What's going to happen when mommy is allowed back home?

 

If anyone thinks this is a done deal and the wife is gone, I think they are kidding themselves.

[amerikajin]

I don't really see anything unethical about KTB having a relationship with her MM. Clearly, the MM wants to sever the ties with his wife and that's a really bad relationship that needs to be terminated.

 

I'm just not sure it's a great idea to be so intimately involved with someone who's coming out of this type of mess. There's going to be a lot of sorting out for the MM to do, and that could take a long time. Basically, KTB, you run the risk of being a rebound relationship.

[lizzibeth]

I've read most of these threads and I really have no idea which end is up.

 

I do know that because the weed was in the house, he is just as responsible as she is. I can say anything in my home belongs to someone else, but it's still my home and my responsibility to ensure that the things in there aren't illegal.

 

I'm not sure if he's telling the truth or not but please be careful. He has a lot he will need to deal with right now and being there for him is one thing, allowing his problems to become your own and putting yourself in the middle of these problems that ultimately are not yours will only bring pain, imo.

[Silly_Girl]

I don't really see anything unethical about KTB having a relationship with her MM. Clearly, the MM wants to sever the ties with his wife and that's a really bad relationship that needs to be terminated.

 

I'm just not sure it's a great idea to be so intimately involved with someone who's coming out of this type of mess. There's going to be a lot of sorting out for the MM to do, and that could take a long time. Basically, KTB, you run the risk of being a rebound relationship.

 

Great post.

 

Keep your eyes and ears on high alert KTD, because this could be the tip of the iceberg. Good luck.

[KarmasTestDummy]

Actually GEL, you are wrong. Marijuana is illegal. Depending on the quantity, it can be classified as a felony. Additionally, if both parents knew of the drugs in the house, BOTH parents can be charged with possession. Scare her? Heck yes she should be scared. Please don't give inaccurate advice regarding possession and drugs. There is a lot involved in cases where CPS is involved - children can be removed immediately or they can be removed after an investigation. I DO know what I am talking about.

 

As someone posted on another thread, some OW want other OW to join their misery club, which is why they are so quick to tell them to hang in there and allow themselves to be treated poorly. I would think ANYONE would want a fellow friend (even an internet friend) to be on guard, especially in situations where there have been lies, minimizing and now drugs and police. What is MOST important are the children of this married couple; not the OW, not the MM and not the wife. The CHILDREN are the ones who need protecting, they need stability and they need to know that the parent left raising them are focused on them, not on their next intimate encounter. The OW is a grown adult; she knows that dating a MM is not the best decision and I would hope and pray that involving herself in the middle of another couple's divorce and all the drama surrounding it is something she doesn't need so she can "stand by her man". There are ways to support him without invading the home of the children and without pushing herself into the situation. It is called respect for the kids and their lives. So many are so afraid that if they aren't up the butts of the MM, he will not "choose them".

 

What is very telling in this story is the fact that the MM dumped the OW, telling her he wanted to give his wife another chance. That should be telling the OW something. Perfect opportunity to leave, and he doesn't.

 

And if the wife begs and pleads for yet another chance....wonder if the MM will give it. This is why I think KTD is going to glue herself to the MM - so he won't give his wife another chance or allow himself to be talked into reconciling. The fact that he didn't walk away, shows me he isn't emotionally ready to be done with his wife. As an OW, that would make me leary, not wanting to get too close for when/if he does that again.

 

I have always from day 1 made this his choice. I have never pressured him about leaving or acted threatening to his marriage.

Maybe I will be judged for staying by his side after he chose her, but I am okay with knowing he didn't leave FOR ME persay. I didn't want it to be a her or me' thing. He left because his marriage was awful. He chose HIMSELF and his KIDS happiness and well being, not mine or hers. IMO that's the way it should be.

I also do not fault him for not walking that original d-day. I don't know how many of you have ever been involved with crazy manipulative people, but they make it very hard to chose anything but them. I stayed with my exH for 10 years, when I should have left before I ever even married him. I allowed him to make me' feel hopeless and like I would lose everything by walking...and no matter how awful he treated me', just a couple of kind words, apologies, hugs and fake tears could make me' stay even if I had my bags packed and ready to walk out the door. That promise that things will be different next time can be so powerful. MM felt that. It just so happens it only took her a few days to prove him wrong with a blow up so grand je had no choice but to open his eyes. MM wear rose colored glasses too. They see their m as some idealistic part they have to play and they see the ow only as she portrays herself. Everyone's part of the game. I feel good with knowing my mm was as open and honest with me' as he possibly could be. There was no lies and minimizing. Cliche as it may sound...he IS a good man.

[porter218]

I've read most of these threads and I really have no idea which end is up.

 

I do know that because the weed was in the house, he is just as responsible as she is. I can say anything in my home belongs to someone else, but it's still my home and my responsibility to ensure that the things in there aren't illegal.

I'm not sure if he's telling the truth or not but please be careful. He has a lot he will need to deal with right now and being there for him is one thing, allowing his problems to become your own and putting yourself in the middle of these problems that ultimately are not yours will only bring pain, imo.

 

Yea, he ventured onto a slippery slope there. The outcome of that all depends on what county and what state this is. Also what type of reputation he has in this town. It also can highly depend on what judge this case goes in front of. The law may appear very clear in these matters but it isn't. The blame can go all on her even though it is his house. In order to get things to go his way he has to agree to everything CPS tells him to do. But he could also end up with half of this charge if his W gets a good lawyer. Either way it is a mess all around.

[lizzibeth]

I did want to add that something with the smoking pot isn't adding up.

 

I have NO idea what goes on in his home and I don't assume to but it's almost like he was either just fine with it, as long as things with his W were going ok or he was a willing participant.

 

The police would have confiscated the paraphenalia, that I know for certain.

 

I really think if he had to take a drug test tomorrow that he'd have a lot of splaining to do...