He was telling the truth the whole time

[KarmasTestDummy]

In all my time on LS, I've never seen so many people band together and truly give the most awesome and heartfelt, deep and personal advice. Each person who has posted in the past 3 pages, wow. Such words and Karma, your honesty and your big heart IS what's going to get you through all this. You aren't alone!

 

 

 

Kudos to him, as much as I'm sure it hurt to hear, atleast he knows he isn't ready to walk away. Four kids and alot of history with his wife, he can't walk away from. Both of them are messed up and have an unhealthy dynamic going, nothing is going to change that.

 

Sorry you're hurting. Here's a big hug..You need a bunch of them now.

 

As much as I wanted him to be in that place of moving on, it's pretty obvious he isn't. And I know until he is, nothing will make a difference to him including her behavior or addictions. He is indeed addicted to the drama...but I know it's not personal.

[NoIDidn't]

What a quick and interesting read.

 

The cautionary posts in this thread were never about any OW vs W bullsh**. Shame on those that tried to turn it into that. Amerikajun said it best, this guy seems nice and all but his life is upside down. Most people would run away from that because it would injure their psyche as well.

 

KTD, I'm glad to see that you are taking your strength back, but please don't ever refer to yourself as "white trash" again. Regardless of what you think others may say about you. Don't ever do that again. Sometimes the things we say try not to accept get in anyway, so don't let that in.

 

I think most of the posters just want Karma to be safe, and away from a situation that has the potential to engulf, and imprison, her.

 

Be safe, Karma. And take care of yourself first. Take care of yourself first every time.

[KarmasTestDummy]

What a quick and interesting read.

 

The cautionary posts in this thread were never about any OW vs W bullsh**. Shame on those that tried to turn it into that. Amerikajun said it best, this guy seems nice and all but his life is upside down. Most people would run away from that because it would injure their psyche as well.

 

KTD, I'm glad to see that you are taking your strength back, but please don't ever refer to yourself as "white trash" again. Regardless of what you think others may say about you. Don't ever do that again. Sometimes the things we say try not to accept get in anyway, so don't let that in.

 

I think most of the posters just want Karma to be safe, and away from a situation that has the potential to engulf, and imprison, her.

 

Be safe, Karma. And take care of yourself first. Take care of yourself first every time.

 

LMBO...thank you for the smile. I know I said it, but really, I don't believe it. I know I'm not trash. Ive come further and worth more than I will ever give myself credit for. Sometimes when you find yourself losing hold of your own value, its hard not to be extra hard on yourself, but I know I'm a special and worthy, and you're right, I should never belittle myself like that again.

[Carrot2000]

As much as I wanted him to be in that place of moving on, it's pretty obvious he isn't. And I know until he is, nothing will make a difference to him including her behavior or addictions. He is indeed addicted to the drama...but I know it's not personal.

 

Exactly. He didn't choose her over you, he chose dysfunction and chaos over a potentially healthy relationship. You want to be happy and you wanted that for him. Too bad he didn't want it for himself.

[Fieldsofgold]

Wow. Just WOW! I am impressed. And VERY proud of you. You have shown an inner strength that others can only wish they had!

 

His messages sound as if he had already been committed to the idea of working things out with his W and he wasn't going to tell you until you asked. What a jerk:(.

 

What a jerk!

 

You have big and bright future ahead of you and in a way that s really exciting. Don't sell yourself short again. Don't 'date down' just because you are worried about judgement of your past. I have a drama filled past too but I am looking forward not backwards:D

 

This is so true!

 

Now go get some IC to help you on your journey, hold your head up high and DO NOT LET A.N.Y.O.N.E. DISRESPECT YOU - EVER AGAIN!!! NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT!!!!!

 

(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

[KarmasTestDummy]

Wow. Just WOW! I am impressed. And VERY proud of you. You have shown an inner strength that others can only wish they had!

 

 

 

This is so true!

 

Now go get some IC to help you on your journey, hold your head up high and DO NOT LET A.N.Y.O.N.E. DISRESPECT YOU - EVER AGAIN!!! NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT!!!!!

 

(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

 

Thank you! I've done this part once before...now the inner strength is sticking with it. I took one extra precautionary step and removed him from my contacts, deleted all messages, pictures, and everything else that I could use to get caught up or accidentally get weak and contact him. Now I'd have to actually go to his house if I needed to reach him, and that would be a cold day in hell before that would happen.

[jennie-jennie]

As much as I wanted him to be in that place of moving on, it's pretty obvious he isn't. And I know until he is, nothing will make a difference to him including her behavior or addictions. He is indeed addicted to the drama...but I know it's not personal.

 

That's half the healing right there. Smart girl.

 

Honestly. I've got 10 years and 4 kids with this woman. If I can make it work I will.

Yep, my MM used to say stuff like that in the beginning of our relationship. He doesn't anymore. He realizes the number of years and kids doesn't keep him away from me. But it does keep him from divorcing.

 

So if you wanted a quick change of OW status you are likely best out of there.

Edited October 14, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[lizzibeth]

Good job Karma! I'm so proud of you! Just reading those texts was empowering to any woman in any relationship to say exactly what she thinks/wants.

 

I know you're hurting right now but you have received his message loud and clear. As another poster said, now is the time to heal.

 

You're a strong woman and the road ahead might be bumpy but you can do it.

[jthorne]

Thank you! I've done this part once before...now the inner strength is sticking with it. I took one extra precautionary step and removed him from my contacts, deleted all messages, pictures, and everything else that I could use to get caught up or accidentally get weak and contact him. Now I'd have to actually go to his house if I needed to reach him, and that would be a cold day in hell before that would happen.

Well, I'm sorry you are hurt, but I am not sorry that you see things clearer now.

 

I'm glad you have removed methods of contacting him, but what about methods of him contacting you?

 

He said he wouldn't, but he will. Like I said before, I don't mean to be unsupportive in saying this, I just want you to be prepared. From what I've seen, it's usually at 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 months, or a holiday/special occasion. If it doesn't happen, fine, but don't be surprised or emotionally unprepared when it does.

Edited October 14, 2010 by jthorne

[climbergirl]

I don't usually follow or post in this forum, but for some reason have been following this thread.

 

Karma, you seem like such a good person and deserve so much better than this. I know your heart and head are battling right now, and admire your strength in putting YOURSELF first inspite of how you feel about him. I know it can't be easy.

 

Just wanted to say that. I'm so sorry you're hurting.

[KarmasTestDummy]

I don't usually follow or post in this forum, but for some reason have been following this thread.

 

Karma, you seem like such a good person and deserve so much better than this. I know your heart and head are battling right now, and admire your strength in putting YOURSELF first inspite of how you feel about him. I know it can't be easy.

 

Just wanted to say that. I'm so sorry you're hurting.

 

I m really amazed at how many people this thread has wrapped in and brought out of the woodworks. I can only hope that even more are reading silently and comparing it to their own situations and taking notes. Bottom line, truthful or not, love or not, if he is not ready and willing to give you what you deserve and want then you owe it to yourself not to accept scraps and repeat the cycle of hurt over and over again.

[KarmasTestDummy]

Wow. You are truly a strong and amazing woman!!! Please keep your head high.

 

Posting here is good. Very empowering to my state of mind. Helping others resolve issues and be able to share my experiences is amazing. My own brother in law reached out to me yesterday. My sister, his wife, has been cheating on him and left some time ago. He shared with me his confusion. How she is almost bipolar, one minute telling him its over and the next begging him for a secon chance. They have been together since they were 15. It was comforting to be able to give him advice as a stronger person, point out his addiction to the comfort and familiarity and drama around their chaos, but that he owed it to himself to do what was best for him and their kids and stop dwelling in an unhealthy and toxic past.

If I can walk the walk and talk the talk and lead by example then it will be one of the most gratifying experiences I will ever know. I'd be so honored to come back here one day and share with ow how I made it through. Didn't dwell on nc for years to come and made an opening for that wonderful (single) man to walk into my life and show me what real love was supposed to feel like. Well isn't that something to look forward to!!

[Fieldsofgold]

I m really amazed at how many people this thread has wrapped in and brought out of the woodworks. I can only hope that even more are reading silently and comparing it to their own situations and taking notes. Bottom line, truthful or not, love or not, if he is not ready and willing to give you what you deserve and want then you owe it to yourself not to accept scraps and repeat the cycle of hurt over and over again.

 

I LOVE the bolded!

[Owl]

KTD, I'd like to reiterate my advice to you once again.

 

Now that he's "out of your life" take active measures to keep him that way.

 

Block his phone/email/texts/etc...

 

Change your numbers/email addresses/etc...

 

Remove him from all of your contact lists/directories/etc...

 

Make it impossible for EITHER of you to break NC on a whim...make it something that has to be DELIBERATELY, INTENTIONALLY planned instead.

 

Protect yourself. Move forward with a plan, rather than just a hope.

[2sure]

Karma...this man likes drama. He likes to be in the center of a shyte storm. Some people do, they are comfortable with it , thats how they live and they attract partners who are similar.

 

They think nothing of causing damage, and apologizing after. Look at the world they have created for their children.

 

If you comes to you again , single or not...dont allow him.

[Fieldsofgold]

Karma...this man likes drama. He likes to be in the center of a shyte storm. Some people do, they are comfortable with it , thats how they live and they attract partners who are similar.

 

They think nothing of causing damage, and apologizing after. Look at the world they have created for their children.

 

If you comes to you again , single or not...dont allow him.

 

EXACTLY! If he comes to you, single or not, don't take him back.

 

I also strongly encourage you to consider counselling to help you on to making healthier choices for you and your children.

[BB07]

KTD.......I've been following the thread and wow what a story. KTD.......I'm so proud of you for showing xmm that you were better than that and you don't want that kind of life nor the drama. You are going to come out of this with new self awareness and I think the next relationship you get into will be healthy and will be what YOU want and need.

You go girl!

 

BTW......I loved FOG's post about the broken man picker........waves hand in the air and says me too. I think that post resonated and hit home for a lot of us who are here on LS.

[2sure]

My man picker is so broken...I'm not using it anymore.

[BB07]

My man picker is so broken...I'm not using it anymore.

 

I hear ya..................

[KarmasTestDummy]

EXACTLY! If he comes to you, single or not, don't take him back.

 

I also strongly encourage you to consider counselling to help you on to making healthier choices for you and your children.

 

I think you're right. It would take years for him to get healthy and be totally out from under this place he's in right now. He won't be healthy for me' even if he comes back. Don't think i would trust ever again that he wouldn't run right back. Best place for this little piece of history is the past. No room in my future.

[silverplanets]

I think you're right. It would take years for him to get healthy and be totally out from under this place he's in right now. He won't be healthy for me' even if he comes back. Don't think i would trust ever again that he wouldn't run right back. Best place for this little piece of history is the past. No room in my future.

 

Hi KTD,

 

Just returned to this thread after seeing it the other day and have to add my "wows" .. to the current situation. The way it was reading it seemed sure you were being sucked back into his drama, and here you are having taken control of it, drawn your boundary and forced him to come clean about his.

 

I know it's not the result you wanted but I hope you can really believe what you posted above because it's likely to be the exact truth. He won't be healthy for years to come, even if he left today ... and in the meantime it would be you whose life energy was being sucked dry by his situation.

 

Going to say one more thing as well .. speaking from my own experience - at 18 months NC and going strong things are Good :):), with a capital G.

 

I have deliberately dated no-one in that period, spend 12 months getting counselling and focused just on letting myself heal, get over it, come to terms with things and get my attention back on MY life situation rather than theirs.

 

I don't want to go into details, but all I will say is as the time your mind devotes to them naturally dwindles it frees up SO much time for you to focus on other things ... and you will be amazed at what you can achieve and how strong you are.

 

One tip I will give ... if you ever DO feel like contacting them, look deep inside yourself for a reason why ... I spotted that I would tend to think about them whenever I was facing a particularly big challenge in my life. ie I would use the thought of them as a diversion.

 

Once I spotted this then I analysed some recent challenges I had overcome and realised that I had overcome them by myself .... without any help from them ... and therefore I had no need of any distractions.

 

I have learnt slowly that I can just breath deeply and meet the challenges head on, firmly planted on my own two feet ... and all the resources I need to navigate challenges and obstactles are contained entirely within my own being.

 

I think it is only be removing the negative drain(s) from my life and by not filling the space with new drama that I have really been able to let myself truly come through into my own life.

 

Well done and be safe

Chris

[pureinheart]

The last two pages of this thread have been incredibly helpful. I can at very minimum see WHY I make the choices I do. What's sobering is as much as I have that need to have someone in my life, I very much do enjoy my home to myself and not feeling expected to live to anyone elses standards. If I choose to sit down and watch a movie after dinner instead of jump right on the dishes, I do. If I don't feel like making dinner I know the kids are just as happy with a kids meal and if I wanna walk around the house in my jammies all day on Sunday, I feel no shame. That much I absolutely LOVE about being single and free to do as I please. What strikes me' is that since my separation and before my mm, I had no problems dropping a guy that didn't fit the part. My longest relationship was only two months before he would annoy me' or it would start to feel like he was invading my space or expecting me to put my kids on the backburner. I don't know what it is about this guy that has drawn me' in so deeply and changed my attitude. Its the first time I felt in love since. I think maybe it is the similarities we share. So much of me does not want to give up on him, but is it because he's a fixer upper project that I feel I have to take on? I know the consensus of this forum on him. I just can't get past that feeling of knowing he accepts me' for every thing I am and was...flaws and all.

 

KTD, in a normal, loving R in bold IS what happens...you get both...love AND freedom to be who YOU are.

 

FTR, it is not wrong to need/want a R, most of us are wired that way. My God-mother and I used to get jacked for asking for prayer for God to send us "His" man for us...people would tell us, all kinds of different things...like you need to wait on God (and so on), which is not wrong, although I don't see anything wrong with asking for preparation/prayer for it...I thought it was kind of interesting that all of the people that told us we were out of line...they were all M!!!!!!!:lmao: Funny how that works!

 

I have had times in R's that were quite normal...I had the man and my space also, that is how it is supposed to be.

 

What I am saying is if this guy doesn't float your boat, then it's all good, there will be one out there JUST FOR YOU.

 

I think sometimes some of us get in the mindset that this is the only game in town....NOT....

 

FOG, your post was wonderful, I think it is so cool that you could put such accuracy into words...I love posters like you who say it like it is with a really good tone to your wording. The man who is fortunate enough to get you will be blessed beyond all comprehension because you do not have a game playing (maybe board games:D) bone in your body.

 

KTD, what you decribed in bold and a little further is a control freak.

[pureinheart]

Hi KTD,

 

Just returned to this thread after seeing it the other day and have to add my "wows" .. to the current situation. The way it was reading it seemed sure you were being sucked back into his drama, and here you are having taken control of it, drawn your boundary and forced him to come clean about his.

 

I know it's not the result you wanted but I hope you can really believe what you posted above because it's likely to be the exact truth. He won't be healthy for years to come, even if he left today ... and in the meantime it would be you whose life energy was being sucked dry by his situation.

 

Going to say one more thing as well .. speaking from my own experience - at 18 months NC and going strong things are Good :):), with a capital G.

 

I have deliberately dated no-one in that period, spend 12 months getting counselling and focused just on letting myself heal, get over it, come to terms with things and get my attention back on MY life situation rather than theirs.

 

I don't want to go into details, but all I will say is as the time your mind devotes to them naturally dwindles it frees up SO much time for you to focus on other things ... and you will be amazed at what you can achieve and how strong you are.

 

One tip I will give ... if you ever DO feel like contacting them, look deep inside yourself for a reason why ... I spotted that I would tend to think about them whenever I was facing a particularly big challenge in my life. ie I would use the thought of them as a diversion.

 

Once I spotted this then I analysed some recent challenges I had overcome and realised that I had overcome them by myself .... without any help from them ... and therefore I had no need of any distractions.

 

I have learnt slowly that I can just breath deeply and meet the challenges head on, firmly planted on my own two feet ... and all the resources I need to navigate challenges and obstactles are contained entirely within my own being.

 

I think it is only be removing the negative drain(s) from my life and by not filling the space with new drama that I have really been able to let myself truly come through into my own life.

 

Well done and be safe

Chris

 

 

Bold....yep fear was always the driver for me...

[pureinheart]

You're not flawed!

 

If you have a fault, it's that you don't recognize your own goodness and worth.

 

Karma, you've lived through so much abuse, yet you never turned into an abuser. Despite your hurt you cannot return evil for evil and inflict pain on others. That's a real gift and says a lot about you as a person.

 

You've earned your right to be on this earth and you deserve a hell of a lot more in love and life than you are accepting. Work on healing yourself and treating yourself kindly rather than trying to remodel your "fixer upper".

 

As another woman with a malfunctioning man-picking mechanism, I'm rootin' for ya no matter what.

 

Wow C, this is powerful...and hit home to me...

 

I am a reactor, and once the tone of the place I'm in, or have to be in the defenses go way up...I have been abused and have abused, although it has never been even close to what has been done to me.

 

When I see people abusing others, verbal/nonverbal I freak out inside...I hear people all of the time with sacastic comments/inuendos and I have to wonder what happened to them that caused them to be so cruel.

 

I grew up with the sacasm, and jestures that really in fact communicate "you don't make the grade, and I'm sarcastic and selfrighteous to you because I am better than you and don't forget it". I have to keep in mind that after pride comes the fall, and it is a long way down.

 

I wish you well KTD...and stay the way you are because those that try to abuse you and those that have...well...it's a long way down.

[fooled once]

Good for you, but I am also so sorry. It sounds like he has let you down yet again. This:

 

speaks volumes...

 

DITTO to LisaLee

 

In all my time on LS, I've never seen so many people band together and truly give the most awesome and heartfelt, deep and personal advice. Each person who has posted ...., wow. Such words and Karma, your honesty and your big heart IS what's going to get you through all this. You aren't alone!

 

 

Sorry you're hurting. Here's a big hug..You need a bunch of them now.

 

I think SO many who participated gave her great advice; not just the last 3 pages.

 

What a quick and interesting read.

 

The cautionary posts in this thread were never about any OW vs W bullsh**. Shame on those that tried to turn it into that. Amerikajun said it best, this guy seems nice and all but his life is upside down. Most people would run away from that because it would injure their psyche as well.

 

KTD, I'm glad to see that you are taking your strength back, but please don't ever refer to yourself as "white trash" again. Regardless of what you think others may say about you. Don't ever do that again. Sometimes the things we say try not to accept get in anyway, so don't let that in.

 

I think most of the posters just want Karma to be safe, and away from a situation that has the potential to engulf, and imprison, her.

 

Be safe, Karma. And take care of yourself first. Take care of yourself first every time.

 

EXACTLY - every person here was concerned about KARMA. She was the focus because NO person deserves to be yanked around like she was.

 

Karma...this man likes drama. He likes to be in the center of a shyte storm. Some people do, they are comfortable with it , thats how they live and they attract partners who are similar.

 

They think nothing of causing damage, and apologizing after. Look at the world they have created for their children.

 

If you comes to you again , single or not...dont allow him.

 

EXCELLENT post!

 

Karma, as much as you hurt, let it hurt. Let yourself go through it and then allow yourself to MOVE through it. Grieve, cry, have a fit -- and then take a warm bath, have a glass of wine (or whatever) and be so proud of YOU that YOU have broken the cycle. Be proud that you realized the crazy roller coaster was NOT for you (nor your kids) and know that with counseling, you will heal inside YOU and be a better woman/mother.

 

YEAH KARMA!!! Great job being true to YOU; because YOU are important!