He was telling the truth the whole time

[porter218]

It's a mess. I'm well aware of that. There's a ton of drama and unknowns. Maybe more than the average person can handle, but my life was pretty Jerry springer for the last 10 years or so too. I still have my own crazy 'ex' that comes with the package deal. He is in the place i was some time ago. But I know he needs support, strength, encouragment (without criticism), and not to be pressured into te decision. That doesn't work in abusive relationships, it pushes people away. I see the man for who he is, not what he's going through. If everyone judged me' based on what my life experiences are I'd be totally miserable and alone. Nobody would ever give me' a chance.

 

Aww geez Karma..It makes a little more sense now. You feel a man without lots of baggage and drama would be 'too good' for you. I'm sorry you've had a rough road!

[KarmasTestDummy]

I've been lurking and decided to come out of the woodwork to reply to this thread.

 

Forget about the amount of weed found. Forget about the kids at grandma's. Forget all of the inconsistencies in his story because they really aren't important. What's important is that it is very likely that this man and his wife are not through with each other. Not by a long shot.

 

I was in a very similar situation with a MM, so I want you to understand that what I'm about to say comes from the perspective of someone who's been where you are right now. This man and his wife are addicted to the drama in their relationship. They're hooked on the conflict, abuse, and ongoing lying and cheating. This is why he didn't leave her despite the fact she was a pothead who endangers his kids. He likes the drama. He likes that she's a pothead; the fact that this woman is such a hot mess is what drew him to her in the first place! They thrive on dysfunction. Don't assume that because the cops were called this marriage is over; the dramatic breakup and reconciliation is part of the dynamic of their relationship.

 

Karma, please be careful right now and keep your guard up. Continue to give him support if you feel it is the right thing to do, but do so with the understanding that there is a history of dysfunction between these two and once the dust settles in a few weeks, it's entirely possible that he will tell you he's giving his marriage a chance "for the kids" and that she's promised she'll change.

 

Yes, thank you. 100% agree, and that is my one and only concern. Been there done that and the tangled web of drama in those relationships is very addictive. But you've been there and left it I presume, as did I. At some point enough becomes enough. I had a breaking point...and it did involve CPS saying you will lose ur kids if this man remains in the picture. He has that threat to face and it is a very real concern of his right now. If that isn't enough for him I don't know what will be. Staying together for the kids really is no longer an excuse. I appreciate u coming out of lurkedom. I'm hoping against all hope that he has had his final straw like he says. Walking away is not always the easiest option, but sometimes being forced into it by legal interference is enough to make you open your eyes.

[KarmasTestDummy]

Aww geez Karma..It makes a little more sense now. You feel a man without lots of baggage and drama would be 'too good' for you. I'm sorry you've had a rough road!

 

Yea maybe so...and experience is that a man that relates to me treats me' a heck of a lot better than an uppity judgmental one who looks at me' like white trash when they find out what I have been through.

[greengoddess]

Yes, thank you. 100% agree, and that is my one and only concern. Been there done that and the tangled web of drama in those relationships is very addictive. But you've been there and left it I presume, as did I. At some point enough becomes enough. I had a breaking point...and it did involve CPS saying you will lose ur kids if this man remains in the picture. He has that threat to face and it is a very real concern of his right now. If that isn't enough for him I don't know what will be. Staying together for the kids really is no longer an excuse. I appreciate u coming out of lurkedom. I'm hoping against all hope that he has had his final straw like he says. Walking away is not always the easiest option, but sometimes being forced into it by legal interference is enough to make you open your eyes.

 

So you are willing to take this man by default? Karma don't. Seriously don't. Please. Because his wife is no longer an option because of his kids you are willing to take him? NO

[Owl]

KTD-

 

My default question for you...

 

What's your PLAN from here?

 

It's always better to steer than float without direction.

 

What's your direction, and how do you plan on getting there?

 

MM has a screaming ton of issues that he's got to deal with right now. You have the choice to try to be there to support him, true. But is that in YOUR best interests right now?

 

I agree with all the questions about why the police didn't pursue things much further given what was described here...I'd also suggest that if they didn't have probable cause before, they most certainly will be keeping an eye on both MM and his wife going forward. Odds are good that they will return with a warrant sometime in the near future.

 

But is that what YOU want to get involved in? If you're there when they do come back...it's a real good bet you're going to find yourself involved/potentially charged...and most certainly investigated on your own as a result at a minimum.

 

Even if this is all on his wife (and that is questionable from my side of the internet), it won't matter. He's implicated by association and living on the premises...and you'll be caught up in that as well just by 'being with' him.

 

This is all just one more reason why the best thing for YOU would be to tell him to contact you once the situation is COMPLETELY resolved.

 

That's my take. Yours may differ.

 

But I'm just curious on what your PLAN is at this point?

[Carrot2000]

Yes, thank you. 100% agree, and that is my one and only concern. Been there done that and the tangled web of drama in those relationships is very addictive. But you've been there and left it I presume, as did I. At some point enough becomes enough. I had a breaking point...and it did involve CPS saying you will lose ur kids if this man remains in the picture. He has that threat to face and it is a very real concern of his right now. If that isn't enough for him I don't know what will be. Staying together for the kids really is no longer an excuse. I appreciate u coming out of lurkedom. I'm hoping against all hope that he has had his final straw like he says. Walking away is not always the easiest option, but sometimes being forced into it by legal interference is enough to make you open your eyes.

 

I hope this was the final straw as well and I hope you'll be able to completely wash your hands of this situation if it's not.

[BellaBellaBella]

Karma, It sounds like you understand your man. You understand what he has been through. You appreciate him. I still say go with your gut and do what you feel is right.

 

You may be hurt again, but if your prepared to take the risk. Your eyes are wide open.

 

Also if you haven't throught about every thing in the whole world that can or could go wrong and how he could or couldn't be a liar, and what MM isn't. How bad this is going to be for you, come and read this thread and it will put you in a dark place.

 

Go with your gut! Not people who don't know the whole situation.

[Fieldsofgold]

Yea maybe so...and experience is that a man that relates to me treats me' a heck of a lot better than an uppity judgmental one who looks at me' like white trash when they find out what I have been through.

 

I'm very saddened by this post. This, I fear, is the crux of the matter.

[jj33]

KTD you have obviously been through a lot in your life and it sounds like you have had more than your share of tough breaks. But no matter what your past 10 years are like each day we make new choices and you can choose how you want the next 10 years to look.

 

Of course you want to be with someone who respects you and relates to you and appreciates how strong you are and how amazing you are to have plowed through all you have been through.

 

But have you asked yourself, is this man committed to a different future than the past he has known in terms of the drama? If not you are in for yet more drama.

[Angel1111]

I can agree with this. I think MM should lose all rights for cheating and allowing his children to be raised by a druggie and drugs to be in the house. These children are better off without either of them. Maybe some other relative will step in.

 

I want to make this perfectly clear - I wasn't suggesting that anyone should lose custody of their kids just because they had an affair. That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

 

What I was saying is that his wife lost all rights to complain about her husband cheating when she was doing the same thing herself. As far as the drugs, yea, she risked losing her kids over that.

[thomasb]

Bent wasn't speaking, I don't think, about his affair, but allowing his children to be raised around drugs. Anyone who does that doesn't deserve to retain custody and control anymore than the drug user, abuser. To me, IMHO, that is as bad as turning your head when you know physical or sexual abuse is being perpetuated on them.

[pureinheart]

From the opening post:

 

 

 

This was a lot more than a one gallon zip-lock bag. Besides, a one gallon bag of seeds could be considered a potential crop.

 

Also remember that there is drug paraphernalia everywhere.

 

From the opening post:

 

WHY would they cops NOT WANT to take her in? This woman who is physically violent and had allegedly committed assault and battery on her husband in front of her young children, who had a garbage bag and a gallon bag of pot, who had drug paraphernalia all over the house, who by law had endangered the welfare of 4 minor children - WHY would the cops NOT want to take her in? WHY would they call and get SPECIAL PERMISSION to NOT take her in?

 

Anyone would have to agree that is pretty far-fetched to think that the cops would NOT want to take her in, so badly that THEY called and asked for SPECIAL PERMISSION to NOT haul her in?????

 

AND he told her he wanted to stay with the wife and keep her as an occasional F* buddy NOT ON D-DAY, but the day before all this happened - when everything was calm and peaceful, and KTD was requesting NC.

 

If all this seems nit-picking, it's because the devil is in the details. And the details, as presented, are pretty far-fetched and unbelievable.

 

Karma, you wanted our advice and support - our advice almost unanimously is that he is surely a mega-liar who has snowed you, and that this is a train wreck looking for a place to happen! I am not sure I have ever seen so many people on LS be in agreement, as on your thread. OW, BS, fOW, we pretty much all agree - which in itself is amazing and should tell you something.

 

Yes, we could all be wrong. In fact, I really hope, for your sake, we are. I hope every word he spoke is gospel truth. But none of us think that is the case.

 

We have spoken out so strongly and so repeatedly because we are all so afraid, and in fact, so certain you are going to be hurt - and we dont want that to happen to you.

 

Be glad we care. And good luck.

 

Ok...more zip locks, (lol that's why I put the disclaimner in there). I guess I should have stated this to just make a point...10 lbs takes up a lot of room and if it were in one or two containers they would have to be 32 gal trash bags, or kitchen trash bags at the very least.

 

I don't think that the posts that tell her to watch her back and heart are nit-picking...FOG, you are always cool and word your replies in a considerate manor:)

[KarmasTestDummy]

KTD you have obviously been through a lot in your life and it sounds like you have had more than your share of tough breaks. But no matter what your past 10 years are like each day we make new choices and you can choose how you want the next 10 years to look.

 

Of course you want to be with someone who respects you and relates to you and appreciates how strong you are and how amazing you are to have plowed through all you have been through.

 

But have you asked yourself, is this man committed to a different future than the past he has known in terms of the drama? If not you are in for yet more drama.

 

It may not sound like it but this man has his life together in every aspect other than his relationship. He's educated, he's successful, he's kind and loving. He's very involved in his kids lives, close with his family, and on and on. He wants better, but has felt stuck. I've been keeping my distance the rest of the weekend. I'm trying to be supportive yet make sure his choices are his own and that I don't get too sucked into the drama or take him away from the kids right now when they need him most. He still seems to stand by his actions and breathing a large sigh of relief that this step was taken. I'm not trying

To weasel in by default. If he wants me', which is another choice he has to make, he will have to show me' as much as vie shown him. What I've shared with you about my feelings is more than I've shared with him. I am not begging him to rush off and be with me' now. He knows he has a lot to make up for to make that happen.

[whichwayisup]

To break the unhealthy pattern, he should consider some counseling. He keeps making bad choices when it comes to his wife. He has issues he needs to face and deal with.

 

I'm trying to be supportive yet make sure his choices are his own and that I don't get too sucked into the drama or take him away from the kids right now when they need him most.

 

Two thumbs up for this. Don't make him the center of the universe. Your life is important and counts too!

[pureinheart]

Exactly! I am not sure I would be back either after reading what I wrote and it makes very little sense. Nothing about drug laws in the US support anything she has written. I don't know who is lying, but as a person with police officers in the family, this stuff stinks worse than pot does.

 

"Laws" is the key word and it doesn't mean that KTD is fabricating anything.

 

In my state right now it's a JOKE with a capitol J. Just because there is a law for it doesn't mean it going down the way the law reads. My state is very divided, especially where drugs are concerned, also, and I'm not sure of the root cause, although little or nothing is getting done justice wise.

 

In my area they "target" certain offences, if you call and your complaint is not apart of the offence criteria, forget it...AND even if it does fall into that category, you are most likely to hear "there's nothing we can do"....people are so frustrated in my area that they are taking matters into their own hands.

 

I'm not sure why this is happening...there are PLENTY of patrol cars, in any given day, in a 15 min drive I will pass or see about 10...so who knows.

 

I don't think KTD is giving false info.....

[whichwayisup]

I don't think KTD is giving false info.....

 

No, she isn't. But MM could be giving her false or fabricated info. She wasn't there to see this firsthand either.

 

There's always three sides to a story. She's only hearing one side of it.

[pureinheart]

No, she isn't. But MM could be giving her false or fabricated info. She wasn't there to see this firsthand either.

 

There's always three sides to a story. She's only hearing one side of it.

 

I don't think MM is fabricating false info either.

 

I think it is very possible that MM's W is either on something else (weed does not cause a person to act that way, it's not a violent drug, and I know I will hear that it is...), meth or coke could cause a paranoid/violent reaction...heroin also. The other thing, is that she has severe mental issues..WHICH in any case would explain why MM wanted out of the M, and why he got fed up, and why he felt the need to let KTD go a few weeks ago...to keep an eye on a bad sitch.

 

If MM is not a user then he would not be aware of other substances...

 

I don't know why anyone would trip on weed and say that MM is horrible for knowing the kids were around a WEED SMOKER...weed is no different than alcohol...and drinking IMO is MUCH worse than weed

[whichwayisup]

(weed does not cause a person to act that way, it's not a violent drug, and I know I will hear that it is...),

 

No it isn't, your right. But, if someone is mentally unbalanced, depression/bi polar, etc - POT only makes it worse and brings out another side to the person. Maybe not ALL, but for some. I know this because of a family friend who smokes pot and has mental health issues as well. It enhances and can bring out different reactions and feelings.

[desertIslandCactus]

Again, I have seen law enforcement in action over here - w crimes against me .. I know of their investigation or lack of.

 

There is a possibility that posters are giving the police over there, too much credit .. Maybe because H was being cooperative they knew they could refer case to another section for later investigation .. Maybe it was the end of their shift .. ha

[pureinheart]

Again, I have seen law enforcement in action over here - w crimes against me .. I know of their investigation or lack of.

 

There is a possibility that posters are giving the police over there, too much credit .. Maybe because H was being cooperative they knew they could refer case to another section for later investigation .. Maybe it was the end of their shift .. ha

 

Either way, nothing will get done...or should I say in our area Desert:(...unfortunately later investigation means..."there's nothing we can do"...

 

Desert, I do have to say that they are cutting straight to the chase now...right off the bat..."there's nothing we can do"....

[pureinheart]

No it isn't, your right. But, if someone is mentally unbalanced, depression/bi polar, etc - POT only makes it worse and brings out another side to the person. Maybe not ALL, but for some. I know this because of a family friend who smokes pot and has mental health issues as well. It enhances and can bring out different reactions and feelings.

 

Any drug will do that, in fact it doesn't even take any drugs at all...alcohol being the worst.

 

I was a heavy partier back in the day and will just leave it at that as this sounds like a good thread spin off:D

[LucreziaBorgia]

Ten pounds of weed is a serious felony. I don't know of anywhere where a law enforcement officer would shrug it off and do nothing about it. There is just absolutely no way that it went down like that. None.

 

The rest? Who knows. All I know Karma is that this guy has continually let you down. Don't let one thing that seems 'true' be the one thing that prevents you from remembering how he has devastated your life and continued to choose his apparent trainwreck of a wife over you. What I fear is that when the dust settles you'll get the "but she is the mother of my children" excuse to 'give her another chance'. I suspect that there will be stories about how she is going to go to rehab to make things better and gosh darn it, he just has to give her a fair shot.

 

But I'm sure he'll continue to offer you FWB in the meantime.

 

Seriously, this guy has crushed you repeatedly. It makes me angry to see how easy it is for him to make you forget that. Even in light of his ridiculous stories and excuses.

 

Get a copy of the police report. If it is even one iota off from his story, you need to run. Fast and hard away from him.

Edited October 11, 2010 by LucreziaBorgia

[Brokenlady]

KTD,

I didn't get to read all the responses yet, but I share the concern that this man chose to work things out with his W, given her issues. Why in the world did he want to reconcile with someone who was a danger to the kids??? Do you have kids? If you do, think long and hard about the type of man he is.

 

(Of course I might ask my DM why it took him so long to leave someone who abused him and the kids....and then left the kids with her and then continued to put up with her crap for years after that, but hey. He didn't report her to the police when she battered him either. He said he felt like he deserved it because he cheated on her, but she did that stuff even way before she knew.)

[bentnotbroken]

I want to make this perfectly clear - I wasn't suggesting that anyone should lose custody of their kids just because they had an affair. That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

 

What I was saying is that his wife lost all rights to complain about her husband cheating when she was doing the same thing herself. As far as the drugs, yea, she risked losing her kids over that.

 

 

I completely understood what you meant. I still think neither deserves those children. For cheating, allowing drug use/storage in the house with children or the one doing the using and storing. I can honestly say that cheating is the least of the problems those two have.

[bentnotbroken]

"Laws" is the key word and it doesn't mean that KTD is fabricating anything.

 

In my state right now it's a JOKE with a capitol J. Just because there is a law for it doesn't mean it going down the way the law reads. My state is very divided, especially where drugs are concerned, also, and I'm not sure of the root cause, although little or nothing is getting done justice wise.

 

In my area they "target" certain offences, if you call and your complaint is not apart of the offence criteria, forget it...AND even if it does fall into that category, you are most likely to hear "there's nothing we can do"....people are so frustrated in my area that they are taking matters into their own hands.

 

I'm not sure why this is happening...there are PLENTY of patrol cars, in any given day, in a 15 min drive I will pass or see about 10...so who knows.

 

I don't think KTD is giving false info.....

 

I never said she was. I think the lying married male is the one lying. And I don't know where you live but most of the rest of the US doesn't look the other way with 10 pounds of drugs of any kind especially with children in the household with them.