He was telling the truth the whole time

[bentnotbroken]

Totally agree. I suspect some of KTD's defensiveness is from knowing that there may be some truth to what we are saying.

 

Time will tell. She has fallen for everything he has said before. In fact, every time, she has been willing to accept less and less from him.

It sounds to me like Grandma is no stranger to the situation already. But then again, we only know the situation as told by a liar and a cheater.

 

 

You are right maybe someone outside of the family altogether. Grandma probably helped him cover his lies.

[turnstone]

Karma, I know it sounds like I'm not being supportive but I just can't support this guy's story. I'd rather take your hand and try to yank you away from the oncoming train rather than coax you comfortably onto the tracks.

 

 

Seriously, this guy has crushed you repeatedly. It makes me angry to see how easy it is for him to make you forget that. Even in light of his ridiculous stories and excuses.

 

Get a copy of the police report. If it is even one iota off from his story, you need to run. Fast and hard away from him.

 

KTD, please consider what LB has been saying.

 

I see that you're maintaining a certain distance and I think that's very strong of you as well as being the right thing to do for you as much as him and his children. I just feel that to be in a good place emotionally, we have to invest in ourselves, giving ourselves love and attention to become strong, capable, confident people. While I see you wanting to give all that good stuff to this man, I hope you can also give it to yourself.

[pureinheart]

I never said she was. I think the lying married male is the one lying. And I don't know where you live but most of the rest of the US doesn't look the other way with 10 pounds of drugs of any kind especially with children in the household with them.

 

You'd be surprised what happens to "confiscated" items....

[SidLyon]

You'd be surprised what happens to "confiscated" items....

 

These were my thoughts too...

 

I expect MM was probably exaggerating when he said 10lbs!

[jennie-jennie]

These were my thoughts too...

I expect MM was probably exaggerating when he said 10lbs!

 

Yeah, I can't believe that wasn't obvious to everybody.

[bentnotbroken]

You'd be surprised what happens to "confiscated" items....

 

 

Actually the only thing that surprises me is how gullible some people are and how much some people will lie to get what they want.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I think it is pretty obvious by this point that MM is exaggerating a good many things. Any amount of pot would give them probable cause for search and seizure, yet they found such an astonishing amount that they didn't even want to get involved? Um. No. Doesn't work that way. I've seen search and seizures done for something as simple as a empty bong.

[donnamaybe]

I think it is pretty obvious by this point that MM is exaggerating a good many things. Any amount of pot would give them probable cause for search and seizure, yet they found such an astonishing amount that they didn't even want to get involved? Um. No. Doesn't work that way. I've seen search and seizures done for something as simple as a empty bong.

Yup. Anything over 40 grams in WA state is considered a felony. Anything over 42.5 grams in MN is a felony. It's no stretch to assume that anywhere near a pound in ANY state is a felony, let alone 10, and a pound will fit in a gallon ziploc bag.

[Brokenlady]

He chose her instead of you. He chose HER, the bad mom, the drug user, the abuser. When you confronted him, he minimized you.

 

KTD, this is huge. Even if you could forgive, could you ever really forget this point?

 

And just as an aside from my work experience - if he knew the drugs were in the house, he's as legally as responsible as her. In other words, if they charge her, they pretty much have to charge him too or face some tough questions later. It's exceedingly unlikely that his story is true unless he is the cop's best friend. (Also, based on that quantity, she must have been dealing it too, and what kind of jackas* chooses a drug dealer over his kids and you?) And as a matter of procedure, they always take the paraphrenalia too.

 

You know what? Call his bluff. Ask him to see the police report.

[whichwayisup]

Honestly, I'm not buying it either. He supposedly gave the cops all this pot, but yet when OP went over there, pipes and other paraphenalia was laying around? I fully believe the police would have done much more than accepting what he gave them and walk away.

 

One thing I just thought of too if it hasn't been said yet - All that stuff laying around, why would he put up with seeing that crap all over, even MORE SO since they have kids? Something feels off. Either a set-up or his wife is truly screwed in the head.

 

And yes, go get a copy of the police report. That will clear it all up.

 

He chose her instead of you. He chose HER, the bad mom, the drug user, the abuser. When you confronted him, he minimized you.

 

And he's admitted to only want to have sex on his terms, no strings attached. No emotions involved, casual.

 

My saying to you now is, shield your heart. I believe this guy doesn't know WHAT or WHO he wants, he'll just go where the wind blows him to.

[Bionic Me]

This is some crazy stuff right here. Writers for Lifetime TV would never run out of material...

 

Seriously, I had no choice but to chime in. I mean 10 POUNDS of weed for personal use??!??!?! HOW OLD ARE WE AGAIN???????

 

K- either your man is a seller along with his wife or they stashing drugs for someone. I highly doubt you guys live in Jamaica to not get arrested for such amount of drugs in a house. Both, your MM and his W would be taken on the spot. At that point they would have to explain to a judge why this much weed is stashed at their house.

 

His kids. Really sad. Nobody cares for them at this point. Real cute how he rather spend the night getting cozy rather than to settle his situation or at least try to for his kids.

 

If your BS is as psycho as you described her (or he says she is) could you imagine what would have happened to you if you were found out at HER HOUSE!? Also, ii highly doubt that she wont be allowed to come back home. That is her house too and unless she is taken the custody of her kids away, she is allowed to take them.

 

This story has too many inconsistencies. Sorry, that is my POV.

[whichwayisup]

I've BTDT, and when I finally left him, it took me a LONG time to get in proper head space for any type of relationship.

 

BINGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

 

So, in this situation, MM is you. He's messed in the head. He's got drama going on, kids that are going to have some serious issues due to the home life and what they've been exposed to. He's got a wife who is a drug addict and a cheater. He's got an OW, Karma. Karma herself has admitted to choosing the wrong guy and being in drama filled relationships in the past.

 

It is going to take a long long LONG time for this guy to sort himself out, that is, if he's willing to change and get help. And we all know he does need help.

 

Karma, ask yourself how healthy this affair/situation is for you. Love is love ,but there are times when one has to step away. you have your own kids to think about. Could you fully trust your MM alone with your kids?

 

If I had tried, all they would have gotten was broken bits of a very confused and emotionally scarred woman.

 

And this is exactly what Karma is going to get if she doesn't detach and let this guy be alone to sort it out. He has friends, family and a mom who can help out. Him needing sex and Karma during the midst of all this, is NOT a healthy thing. It's a sick dynamic that is keeping the drama going. he knows his wife could come back and flip out anytime. Why bring Karma into his house?

Edited October 13, 2010 by whichwayisup

[KarmasTestDummy]

It won't matter what we say I don't think. She's in love and thinks he's been telling the truth the whole time (as indicated by the title of this thread.)

 

Some of us have to learn the hard way unfortunately.

 

I do think this is a disaster in the making. I see all the signs. But good luck Karma. I don't want to see you hurt. And if you have kids, you should really think twice about this. This will affect them too.

 

Actually alot of what is said matters and I'm taking it all with a grain of salt and applying it as necessary. Believe me' it stays in the back of my mind with everything he says and does. If he can't follow through then I will be through.

[yeah]

Holy! This is a grand day for all the drug dealers out there. I wonder if they know that even if the cops find 10 pounds of pot in their house nobody will get arrested! Many years ago I dated a guy who sold pot. I was at his house one night when he had just got a pound of pot and he was breaking it down into smaller portions to sell, like quarter ounces or something like that. Anyways, I remember being surprised at just how much pot it takes to make up one pound and if the cops had come buy my ex would have definitely been arrested and maybe me too, just for being there.

 

Hi all, I'm new to LS although I've been following this forum for a couple of weeks now, [i'm far from a saint, I need major therapy and I'll get to my current crappy story eventually].. but before I even delve into ThaT-I HAD to comment on the whole "Pot Yarn":lmao:. I (regretfully) wasted 5 yrs living with a major pothead AND DEALER and at no point did he ever have more than 1 pound in the house(which is a pretty SERIOUS amount of weed both in size and penalty.) Anyone who has lived in close proximity to a pothead for any length of time knows full well that 10lbs is like a CheeCH & ChonG URBAN FANTASY:eek:. Homegirl must truly be pretty "HIGH" maintenance, if you catch my drift. No way she'd have the motivation or the cash flow to be keeping up with her highlights and acrylics every 2 weeks and manage 4 young kids. Stay Tuned for my story, I'll be looking forward to some hopefully constructive criticism from you guys, but I had to address this one point.

[whichwayisup]

Actually alot of what is said matters and I'm taking it all with a grain of salt and applying it as necessary. Believe me' it stays in the back of my mind with everything he says and does. If he can't follow through then I will be through.

 

Can I ask? Are you putting a time limit on this, in the sense of how long it'll take for him to divorce, how long you'll wait?

 

I am glad that you are atleast 'hearing' some of what's been said and are thinking. We are all worried about you.

 

Also, it's OK to question him! Ask questions, not accusing him, but ask how it's possible to have that much dope in the house and not have it searched? No questions or pursue by the Cops? Why the pipe etc was all over the house with other stuff, knowing the kids were/are there?

[KarmasTestDummy]

Can I ask? Are you putting a time limit on this, in the sense of how long it'll take for him to divorce, how long you'll wait?

 

I am glad that you are atleast 'hearing' some of what's been said and are thinking. We are all worried about you.

 

Also, it's OK to question him! Ask questions, not accusing him, but ask how it's possible to have that much dope in the house and not have it searched? No questions or pursue by the Cops? Why the pipe etc was all over the house with other stuff, knowing the kids were/are there?

 

I'm not a patient person so setting a time limit isn't altogether necessary. When the same ol bs starts to get old I start to get antsy. Why wait around for the inevitable once it becomes clear.it hasn't come to that so far, but I'm getting close. I need way less talk and a lot more action.

[whichwayisup]

I'm not a patient person so setting a time limit isn't altogether necessary. When the same ol bs starts to get old I start to get antsy. Why wait around for the inevitable once it becomes clear.it hasn't come to that so far, but I'm getting close. I need way less talk and a lot more action.

 

There is a grace period here, okay. Number one, he has to sort himself out, be with his kids. Number two, he needs to get his wife HELP and into rehab so she can be a better mom to her kids.

 

Patience has to happen if you want this guy, k. He isn't going to file tomorrow and within 3 months be divorced and by your side, dating happily and all of you one big family. It's going to take (my guess here) ATLEAST a year before things even begin to get settled between a divorce and helping his kids through this mess.

 

Let's say 4-6 months there's no discussion, no action or no plans on divorcing, that's when you BAIL. You wait a year, you'll be waiting a long time.

 

Plus, he still has to see/talk to her. This is far from over, and remember, less than a week ago, he threw you under the bus, wanting to make his marriage work. Everything aside, he still loves his wife, even though she's got issues and incredibly mixed up.

[KarmasTestDummy]

What does the bolded part mean? Sorry. I don't get it. If you're not patient wouldn't you WANT a time limit? But you say you're not patient but yet require no time limit. What the hey?

 

As for the rest, I think you know what's coming down the pike. This is going nowhere and you know it. You're not going to be one of those women involved with a MM for years and years. I can tell that. You just seem too smart to me for that. And you don't strike me as a doormat.

 

Well I just mean that what you say is true. I will not be with a mm for years and years. I won't even say a year at this point unless he's actively making an effort towards a divorce. Right now he needs to learn to stand up to her. She's already weaseled back in to watch the kids while he went to work as of yesterday, and when he got home ready to make her leave, her and the kids had made a really nice dinner and he couldn't just send her away cause the kids wanted them to ALL sit down and eat. It's her...she's so manipulative. He says she never cooks a family dinner let alone get the kids involved and excited. She might make the kids some Mac n cheese or something but he usually bbq's. This is her trying to get back in good graces and convince him she's something she's not. I knew she would play those games if he gave her half the chance but he said he just didn't know what to do because he didn't have enough time to arrange child care after the fight. So, he says she still left, but she waited til after the kids went to bed and they talked some. That is of course what he says...which I can't confirm or deny. If he gives me' the slightest inclination they are about to reconcile, I'm not waiting around another second. This is not ur standard separation. She is and has been abusive emotionally and physically. Those kind of people have their own handbook they pull all of their plays from and i can't watch him fall for it time and time again after experiencing it all myself before. That would not only break my heart but make me' relive my own horror story.

Right now he says he isn't falling for it, sees it for what it is, and knows she is incapable of change...but I feel like he broke the cardinal rule by giving her a foot in the door, so we shall see.

[KarmasTestDummy]

Karma, I have no idea what to say to you that I haven't already said. I already predicted she'd be back and he'd take her back. And it is her house too after all.

 

He says he's not falling for it? He says he sees her for what she is and can't change? So what? He's still living under the same roof with her. He's just telling you what you want to hear. His words don't match his actions do they?

 

Of course he broke the "cardinal rule" as you say by letting her back in. You say "we shall see." What more do you need to "see" that's he's doing what many of us said he'd do. He's giving her another chance and putting you on the back burner.

 

But yet you say "we shall see." See what? What more do you need to see? Look at the title of your thread. Was he really telling the whole truth the whole time?

 

No. Maybe you'll finally see that soon. As you said, "we shall see." I hope you do. I hope you don't waste years and years like some do.

 

Well we talked late into the night so if she was there he wasn't spending time with her. That's the only reason I think maybe he really did make her leave still. And tonight he had to take his daughter straight to practice after work so she didn't get a chance to do anything this time. All it would take is a drive by his house late at night to confirm her car is there or not. If he starts acting like he's being secretive again in the evening I will confirm what I have to and call him out on it.

[desertIslandCactus]

Karma,

 

Assuming she is the worst and most irresponsible person in the world.. They are still married, and she is still the mother of his children .. Manipulative or not..

 

There is nothing you can do but stand aside and watch. I wouldn't even put a 'time limit' on it .. Just relax - and know that the burden is on him.

 

You've already been warned that this will not happen overnight..

[desertIslandCactus]

Weasel back in? Weasel back in to watch her children? Weaseled back in when he asked her or took her up on the offer to watch their kids in their house? That really is an interesting choice of wording...

 

QUOTE]

 

exactly

[KarmasTestDummy]

One other thing, Karma: he can't make her do anything. He can't make her leave the house unless papers are filed, at which point I'm sure he won't be inviting her in. Frankly I am amazed at how much control this guy has wielded over the wife. He makes her leave the house, makes her give him the house key, garage door opener, AND her phone, and is seemingly limiting the time with kids?

 

Look in the divorce forums. There are couples having a stand off over the house and kids, with neither party leaving. So how is it your MM holds so much control over her? I'm seriously asking this, because I'm very curious!

 

All I can tell you is he thinks she's staying nights with the guy she's been screwing around with. He knows she could put up a bigger fight but right now she might just be having a little fun herself while the opportunity is there.

[pureinheart]

BINGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

 

So, in this situation, MM is you. He's messed in the head. He's got drama going on, kids that are going to have some serious issues due to the home life and what they've been exposed to. He's got a wife who is a drug addict and a cheater. He's got an OW, Karma. Karma herself has admitted to choosing the wrong guy and being in drama filled relationships in the past.

 

It is going to take a long long LONG time for this guy to sort himself out, that is, if he's willing to change and get help. And we all know he does need help.

 

Karma, ask yourself how healthy this affair/situation is for you. Love is love ,but there are times when one has to step away. you have your own kids to think about. Could you fully trust your MM alone with your kids?

 

 

 

And this is exactly what Karma is going to get if she doesn't detach and let this guy be alone to sort it out. He has friends, family and a mom who can help out. Him needing sex and Karma during the midst of all this, is NOT a healthy thing. It's a sick dynamic that is keeping the drama going. he knows his wife could come back and flip out anytime. Why bring Karma into his house?

 

You crack me up...this struck me so funny...sorry Karma, not making light of your sitch or MM, k...

[bentnotbroken]

Weasel back in? Weasel back in to watch her children? Weaseled back in when he asked her or took her up on the offer to watch their kids in their house? That really is an interesting choice of wording...

 

I thought this lady was a crazed dope addict. I thought he was filing a restraining order to keep her away from the kids because she is such a danger. I thought this guy was like... super concerned about his childrens' welfare...

 

Am I the only one who is just mind boggled at all these inconsistencies?

 

 

No, you're not the only one. She is manipulative too. What druggie do you know who isn't? :(The level of implausible lies that are floating around this mess is unreal. His concern for his children makes me wonder what is care for anyone other than himself really is?

[Fieldsofgold]

I think the bigger question though, is why KTD would you want to be involved with someone like this? He obviously does NOT have his life together one iota. Taking it on face value, here is a man who has allowed his children to live in a household like this. He has lived in a household like this. He chose her instead of you. He chose HER, the bad mom, the drug user, the abuser. When you confronted him, he minimized you. It doesn't make sense. It doesn't matter what the truth is, the obvious question is what exactly do you see in him? You barely know this man, yet you're willing to dive head first into a situation like this?

 

Karma, what I am about to say, I am saying both from a base of

personal experience AND with kindness and concern.

 

I grew up in a home where there was drug and alcohol abuse, emotional abuse, craziness (real), and violence. I married a man who was an abuser, emotionally and physically. Very violent man. He left, and for a number of years, everyone I dated "turned out to be" abusive, as well. No matter how hard I tried to pick only good men, no matter how stringent I made my standards, I just kept getting involved with the same kind of men.

 

I spent many hours pondering this - why was every man I met, every man who was interested me, basically the same? Some weren't as bad as others, some were nicer for longer, but basically, eventually, they were all the same. I finally figured out that the common denominator in every relationship was ME. At that point, I spent the next 15 years in and out of counseling. I learned that the problem was, my "men picker" was broken. I picked men who were like what I was used to. This is common among abused people. We DONT KNOW what HEALTHY relationships look like. So we keep going back to what feels familiar, no matter how hard we try to pick better. It is fairly well established that abuse victims will continue to pick abusers until they undergo a profound internal change.

 

You have told us you have a long history of abuse. You are desensitized to it. You, like me, were not capable of seeing the red flags. While you and I are better people than our abusers, we are no less defective in our thinking and behaviors. The difference is, while they make choices that hurt other people, we only make choices that hurt ourselves, and by extension, our children.

 

By that, I mean that we teach our children how to pick people who are abusive. We hurt our children by being (to varying degrees) emotionally unavailable to our children. To the degree we are caught up in our lover's drama and problems, our thoughts and emotions are not there for our children. These relationships, instead of providing loving inclusion for our children, or at the least making Mom a happy woman, instead distract us, and when the real hurt starts, it devastates us. And when we are emotionally devastated, we are not able to give ourselves, or our children, or anyone else around us, anything.

 

What I'm saying is, until you go through some serious and profound personal internal changes, you will keep picking broken people, who will in turn, break YOU.

 

You (and I) were not ABLE to see the craziness in these people, because we have a screwed up experience base, AND we have an inaccurate belief system about people and relationships, that makes us get in, and stay in, toxic relationships. We are typically "excitement junkies," addicted to drama.

 

I'm much older now. I have had costly and extensive life experience. I have had extensive and intensive counseling for many years, and while my "man picker" is not perfect, it is tremendously improved. And I can spot a red flag from miles away. I may occasionally miss a red flag, but I never call one wrong anymore!

 

I am telling you, this guy you think you want is broken. Everyone from all over the world is telling you he is broken. Everyone is telling you something is severely wrong there. We are pointing out red flags all over the place. We are not likely all wrong. Yet you refuse to listen.

 

Now, this man who two days ago ALLEGEDLY was physically abused by his wife, who ALLEGEDLY called the cops on his wife, who would

not allow her around the children because she was so crazy and abusive and a severe drug user, who would not even let her in HER OWN HOME, to get her personal effects, is now allowing (or inviting) her in to take care of the children, and is enjoying a nice family dinner with her, AND YOU THINK *HE* IS THE *VICTIM* OF A WEASLEY, MANIPULATIVE WIFE!!!!!! These are no longer red flags, Karma. These are waving matador capes. But you don't see the red capes OR the charging bull.

 

I am going to tell you bluntly that this man is dangerous. If you stay involved with him, he will hurt you probably worse than your last abusive relationship. He will mess with your head and your emotions until you have nothing left for yourself or your kids. I am telling you that YOU are too unhealthy to recognize this situation for what it is. I KNOW, because 40 years ago, I WAS YOU!

 

I am telling you this because you are teetering on the rim of an emotional Grand Canyon, with one foot dangling over the edge, and we are all trying to get you to grab hold of the safety rope and pull yourself back, because we see the imminent and pending destruction.

 

 

 

I sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, believe that you, (just like I was) are every bit as dysfunctional (in different ways) as this man and his wife. And I really think it is safe to say that you will keep on picking abusive people, until you do some serious, intensive, personal work.