How long does it take to overcome abuse and trauma experience in a relationship?

[suspended]

hi all,

i have a question but i think ill hv to tell u guyz a bit of my history before i ask that...well ok my ex and i had a 3 yr relationship, a very intense one..then he started cheating on me with another friend of ours and no matter how many times i confronted him abt the issue, he wud just not talk abt it, telling me i was being paranoid..ok then finally he broke up with me w/o giving me any reasons..i was shattered...but then after a month or so he started asking for sex...i dont know wat got into me...i think i just loved him too much...for a whole year he was having an affair with that other girl, and also a physical relationship with me..i wasnt too clear abt his affair...nor OUR future but i think i took it as a chance to win him back....i know i used to hate myself for being such a slut to him but now i see myself as a victim.

he later broke up with that girl and i continued to b physically involved with him...those were the most empty days of my life...i am ashamed of myself...well that physical relationship continued for a yr until i finally told him off and realized i had given just too much to this pig..

now the thing is a really nice guy ( apparently) is interested in me and my parents are insistent that i talk to him...but i am just too traumatized...i dont think i can ever have sex again coz now i see it as victimization...anything regarding sex reminds me how i was a whore for him and how he made the most out of it...im afraid ill ruin my future becoz of him..

ok now my question is, is a year enough to overcome the trauma?? or shud i gv it another yr ? becoz i am still not over the rage and anger...shud i start a relationship? or wait ? but i think ill never b over it ...is it possible that i never get over the abuse??

[Arabess]

Well, even though he was taking advantage of your feelings....you still consented to the sex. He didn't force you. You continued sleeping with him to (probably) get back his original feelings for you. You feel 'humped and dumped'.....it's a crappy feeling.

 

It will take awhile to get over this. Until you do, have fun dating other people without sex being involved, until you are ready to try again.

 

If you are still wrestling with a lot of guilt and shame....perhaps even talking it out with a therapist or a good friend will help. Eventually, you'll get over it.

 

Till then....be good to yourself and forgive yourself.

[Vivid_29]

You shouldn't beat yourself up over this. You were in love and wanted to be loved.

 

In the past, I have dumped women I was involved with and they allowed me to go back and sleep with them, in a last desperate attempt to win me back. I actually felt sorry for them, because I knew what they wanted -- my heart -- but I wasn't selling!

 

Some women will do just about anything, just to be loved. It's sad when you really think about it.

 

You loved this man and it clouded your judgement. Like Arabess said -- forgive yourself. We all make mistakes.

 

~Vivid

[suspended]

so vivid,

u pity these women and think they were selling their bodies to get ur heart? i think with me, it was more like Arabess said..i everytime got a terrible feeling of being used and abused but when he got started, i couldnt say no...i dont think ill ever be over it...can just try not thinking about it..

[suspended]

sorry vivid, but i see my ex in u..and feel like punching u really hard in ur nose and ur balls..

sorry, had to get it out

[Arabess]

I think Viv was trying to tell you that it isn't uncommon for a female to react the way you do....and it isn't uncommon for a guy to take advantage of it.

 

You are dealing with many of the same issues that most 'other women' deal with. After they look back, many DO feel angry and ashamed...but it was just misplaced 'love and sex'....it's not the end of the world.

 

There is an old saying that men use love to get sex.....and women use sex to get love. Many would disagree with that. Others....would know it to be quite the truth! LOL!

[Vivid_29]

Originally posted by suspended

so vivid,

u pity these women and think they were selling their bodies to get ur heart? i think with me, it was more like Arabess said..i everytime got a terrible feeling of being used and abused but when he got started, i couldnt say no...i dont think ill ever be over it...can just try not thinking about it..

 

Quoted by you --

[color=red]and also a physical relationship with me..i wasnt too clear abt his affair...nor OUR future but i think i took it as a chance to win him back....[/color]

 

Am I missing something here? Did you not say this?

 

~V

[moimeme]

Suspended - get help.

[Vivid_29]

Originally posted by suspended

sorry vivid, but i see my ex in u..and feel like punching u really hard in ur nose and ur balls..

sorry, had to get it out

 

I understand, but you need to kick yourself in the a$$! He didn't make you sleep with him. You spread your legs for him, willingly! Who's fault is that?

 

~V

[moimeme]

When a person has an extreme reaction to something, it's a sign that they have issues going on and need help, Viv.

[Vivid_29]

I understand, Merry. You have a kind and understanding heart.

 

I much prefer the 'tough love' approach.

 

~V

[moimeme]

'Tough love' works on people who haven't any disorders and who are just in a loop of thinking illogically or without full consideration of the issue. 'Tough love' can be abusive to someone who has a disorder because their thinking is the product of the disorder. Dr. Phil often tells off people who appear to be suffering from depression. Any competent medical person will tell you a depressed person can't just snap out of depression if they get a good talking-to. That Suspended reacted with such wrath is a clue that something's afoot that needs investigation.

 

Point is, 'tough love' is futile as well as counterproductive in many cases. It's not even a matter of compassion; it's understanding how the human psyche works - or does not, as the case may be.

[suspended]

I understand, but you need to kick yourself in the a$$! He didn't make you sleep with him. You spread your legs for him, willingly! Who's fault is that?

 

vivid, thats exactly wat ive been doing for the past yr ...kicking myself in the ass...but if guys know that girls are doing it for their love, then y do guys take advantage of it? i mean there r a lot of other places to get sex...y the only person depending on u emotionally..??

 

I actually felt sorry for them, because I knew what they wanted -- my heart -- but I wasn't selling!

 

ok so u kept taking advantage of it ?? everytime?? wats the psyche behind that? no conscience?

 

Any competent medical person will tell you a depressed person can't just snap out of depression if they get a good talking-to. That Suspended reacted with such wrath is a clue that something's afoot that needs investigation.

u r so right about it...ill b a doctor in a year and i know exactly wat im going through...ive been very headstrong ethical all my life and sex before marriage was a complete no-no for me and now that i think sumone got away so easy with me just kills me..u might think its pathological ..i think so too..

 

When a person has an extreme reaction to something, it's a sign that they have issues going on and need help,

 

yes the issue is i hv to see him everyday and interacdt with him...we are in the same class..

 

sorry to offend u vivid

[suspended]

"I understand, but you need to kick yourself in the a$$! He didn't make you sleep with him. You spread your legs for him, willingly! Who's fault is that? "

 

 

vivid, thats exactly wat ive been doing for the past yr ...kicking myself in the ass...but if guys know that girls are doing it for their love, then y do guys take advantage of it? i mean there r a lot of other places to get sex...y the only person depending on u emotionally..??

 

"I actually felt sorry for them, because I knew what they wanted -- my heart -- but I wasn't selling! "

 

ok so u kept taking advantage of it ?? everytime?? wats the psyche behind that? no conscience?

 

 

"Any competent medical person will tell you a depressed person can't just snap out of depression if they get a good talking-to. That Suspended reacted with such wrath is a clue that something's afoot that needs investigation. "

 

u r so right about it...ill b a doctor in a year and i know exactly wat im going through...ive been very headstrong ethical all my life and sex before marriage was a complete no-no for me and now that i think sumone got away so easy with me just kills me..u might think its pathological ..i think so too..

 

"When a person has an extreme reaction to something, it's a sign that they have issues going on and need help,"

 

yes the issue is i hv to see him everyday and interacdt with him...we are in the same class..

 

sorry to offend u vivid

[Vivid_29]

vivid, thats exactly wat ive been doing for the past yr ...kicking myself in the ass...but if guys know that girls are doing it for their love, then y do guys take advantage of it? i mean there r a lot of other places to get sex...y the only person depending on u emotionally..??

 

If I break up with a woman, I want to go back for a little nookie and she still has feelings for me, should I be the one held at fault? Do I care for her, more than I care for myself? Highly unlikely, so yes I take advantage of it!

 

 

ok so u kept taking advantage of it ?? everytime??

 

Damn straight!

 

no conscience?

 

Yup, no conscience!

 

sorry to offend u vivid

 

None take, darling!

 

~V