Post Divorce Guilt

[SummerLady]

I have posted here before many times I am 2 years post divorce. For those of you who don't know me or don't remember my husband cheated on me for many many years found out after the birth of my 2nd kid..Found emails, voice mails, the whole works. So after finding out how bad my marriage was, surprise to me didn't really know.. I decided I couldn't deal with it. By the way I waited 2 years after finding out as I wanted to be 100% sure and not do a knee jerk reaction. I am a VERY preplanned sort of person so I wanted to be sure. Well here I am 2 years later. DONT get me WRONG. I do not feel bad about not being with my ex. This is not I still love him and want him back post. I feel bad about the "FAMILY" part really. I had talked to a man I worked with years ago that got divorced before me, I had not talked to him in 4 years he did not even know I was divorced and I said to him how are you doing I know you have been divorced a while and he said I don't miss my ex but I miss the family situation with the ex, he said you understand right? UGH it was like someone kicked me in the gutt. Out of no where it hit me, of course I knew what he was saying and of course he went on to give specific examples which I am sure everyone here can guess about. The day to day, with the kids, 2 parents raising THEIR kids. I got off the phone in a deep depression as for some reason I never really thought about it all that much after the fact as I did think about it previous too. Not sure if anyone here understands or gets this or thinks about it. I feel bad about it now but how can I, staying with him for me was NOT an option..The guilt is heavy now and its kicked an eating disorder I have back in full gear. I am just depressed..BUT there is no solution really..It is what its, I guess I will always feel bad about it.....Anyone else here deal with this.

[CM2009]

I know the feeling my wife left me, I don't miss her like that but I miss the family atmosphere that we had with her 2 boys so I know how that feels. Especially wanting to do thugs with them, so yeah it's a tough feeling...

[spriggig]

I don't understand what you are feeling guilty about. I can understand missing the family unit, so to speak, but what did you do that you haven't forgiven yourself for yet?

[You Go Girl]

I understand. You weren't the one who cheated, but technically, you were the one who broke up the family unit.

Should you have forgiven the cheating to keep the family together? I don't know if you tried to reconcile, MC, or even if your H ever felt remorse.

Most people don't take two years to make such a decision. Obviously you tried to forgive.

Something went very wrong in the reconciliation dept. Did he try to repair the damage?

I'm wondering if he was short on remorse, or if you stood by some line drawn that there is no reconciliation after infidelity.

[SummerLady]

I understand. You weren't the one who cheated, but technically, you were the one who broke up the family unit.

Should you have forgiven the cheating to keep the family together? I don't know if you tried to reconcile, MC, or even if your H ever felt remorse.

Most people don't take two years to make such a decision. Obviously you tried to forgive.

Something went very wrong in the reconciliation dept. Did he try to repair the damage?

I'm wondering if he was short on remorse, or if you stood by some line drawn that there is no reconciliation after infidelity.

 

At first he was shocked but after about 1 month he was dating someone pretty regulary. He is on his 2nd serious girlfriend now. He spend more time feeling bad then trying to reconcile. MC was short and sweet as he lied to the counselor constantly and the counselor did call him on this, what is the point if you continue to lie. To this date he will only admit some things..Not all, things I have proof on. I just feel bad for my kids they don't get the whole family they were born into. I guess I do feel bad for making that final decision but I could not be with someone that lies all the time. But I couldn't have stayed I just couldn't of, I would have gone mad.

[SummerLady]

I don't understand what you are feeling guilty about. I can understand missing the family unit, so to speak, but what did you do that you haven't forgiven yourself for yet?

 

 

I guess I feel selfish as i could not be with him anymore so the family unit per say is over.. I grew up in a big tight knit family, I never imagined this would happen to me, never. I guess I have to just deal with it..

[onedayatatyme]

I know exactly how you feel. She cheated, I tried to work it out, she filed for D. Personally I'm happier and feel free'er than I have in years. But I do feel guilty. I feel bad for our girls. I feel bad for not being the PERFECT husband. I feel guilty that I ended up getting custody and the house. I feel guilty that she is having financial trouble now. I know all of this is misplaced and it was all created by her decisions. But I can't help feeling guilty. I hope this gets better over time and not worse.

 

Our divorce was just final last week and the guilt hit me hard right away after it was final. Before the D was final, I was geared up and prepared for battle.... ready to go to court if necessary to fight for my kids, my share of the assets. Now that the battle is won, it's like I'm feeling survivor's guilt or something. She got crushed in this divorce. Why do I feel guilty? She cheated, she wanted to end the marriage. Why do I feel bad that I didn't get my ass handed to me in the process?

[onedayatatyme]

And, yes, I am mourning the loss of what was supposed to be. We were supposed to raise our girls together. We were supposed to grow old in our house and look forward to them coming home for the holidays after they left for college. We were supposed to surround ourselves with grandchildren.

 

I do know how you feel. I am not in love with this woman anymore. But I was comfortable that we were partners in this family unit. Now it's fractured, never to be repaired.

 

I feel the same as you that the marriage could not have gone on. There is no way. There were too many lies. Trust obliterated. Why is knowing that not quite enough to make this guilt go away?

[The-Zen-Warrior]

SummerLady :

 

Personally, I really don't understand your so called "feelings of guilt" here! In my opinion, I think you gave it your best shot. By the looks of things, you gave things plenty of time, before the divorce to work themselves out. To me, it sounds like you walked the extra mile just to make sure all your suspicions prior to the divorce were true. By your reports, you somewhat gathered evidence to prove these suspicions were fact. Granted your ex-Husband joined in you some marriage counseling sessions, but it sounds like all he wanted to do was hand out lines of crap.

 

Personally speaking, I think it's been time to move on from all the stuff for a while now. Don't either trip out with your so called guilt and keep yourself locked up in your own mental prison and be an unwilling inmate to these feelings! Remember, you did nothing wrong here, you just got feed up one day with the way your married life was going, you one day made the decision to pull the trigger and get a divorce. You were only looking after you, rather than feeling all this guilt, you should be counting your lucky stars each day for the wonderful gift of personal freedom you have given yourself.

 

Also what is there really to feel guilty about? Sure you got a divorce, you may have been the one to do it, but with even all that I would have thought the guilt, if any, would have released it's grip on you by now. This makes no sense at all, do you feel so much guilt that you are compelled to try and go back and see if it can work this time? I think you did the right thing, you broke off an already broken contract that you and your ex-Husband entered into when getting married. Your ex-Husband cheated on you, had an affair on you, fooled around on you, messed around on you, he played both sides of the fence on you, committed adultery on you, should I keep going on with the different versions of saying that fit your situation?

 

Now I've been divorced for little over 2.5 years, granted within the first year, yeah, I felt the guilt that you are speaking of. But rather than feeling guilty of divorcing a cheating wife, I rather was feeling guilty about breaking up the family unit as a whole. I felt more guilty about all the lives that were affected by my choice to divorce. My former in-laws, my parents, my sister, my brother, my brother-in-law, may aunts and uncles and cousins and friends. I rather was guilty about my divorce messing with them, than anything else. Now I'm not feeling guilty about anything at all. I rather like the freedom that has come with my choice. I like not having to live under that dark cloud of suspicion and worry about playing Mr. Detective with my ex-wife.

 

I think you should just take some time for yourself and realize that you gave yourself a gift, rather than sitting there and feeling so guilty over this gift, I think it's time to "buck up" and drop the guilt and unwrap the gift in your hands and see what wonders it has in store for you!

 

Good luck, and keep us all here on L.S. posted.......

Edited October 11, 2010 by The-Zen-Warrior

[SummerLady]

SummerLady :

 

Personally, I really don't understand your so called "feelings of guilt" here! In my opinion, I think you gave it your best shot. By the looks of things, you gave things plenty of time, before the divorce to work themselves out. To me, it sounds like you walked the extra mile just to make sure all your suspicions prior to the divorce were true. By your reports, you somewhat gathered evidence to prove these suspicions were fact. Granted your ex-Husband joined in you some marriage counseling sessions, but it sounds like all he wanted to do was hand out lines of crap.

 

Personally speaking, I think it's been time to move on from all the stuff for a while now. Don't either trip out with your so called guilt and keep yourself locked up in your own mental prison and be an unwilling inmate to these feelings! Remember, you did nothing wrong here, you just got feed up one day with the way your married life was going, you one day made the decision to pull the trigger and get a divorce. You were only looking after you, rather than feeling all this guilt, you should be counting your lucky stars each day for the wonderful gift of personal freedom you have given yourself.

 

Also what is there really to feel guilty about? Sure you got a divorce, you may have been the one to do it, but with even all that I would have thought the guilt, if any, would have released it's grip on you by now. This makes no sense at all, do you feel so much guilt that you are compelled to try and go back and see if it can work this time? I think you did the right thing, you broke off an already broken contract that you and your ex-Husband entered into when getting married. Your ex-Husband cheated on you, had an affair on you, fooled around on you, messed around on you, he played both sides of the fence on you, committed adultery on you, should I keep going on with the different versions of saying that fit your situation?

 

Now I've been divorced for little over 2.5 years, granted within the first year, yeah, I felt the guilt that you are speaking of. But rather than feeling guilty of divorcing a cheating wife, I rather was feeling guilty about breaking up the family unit as a whole. I felt more guilty about all the lives that were affected by my choice to divorce. My former in-laws, my parents, my sister, my brother, my brother-in-law, may aunts and uncles and cousins and friends. I rather was guilty about my divorce messing with them, than anything else. Now I'm not feeling guilty about anything at all. I rather like the freedom that has come with my choice. I like not having to live under that dark cloud of suspicion and worry about playing Mr. Detective with my ex-wife.

 

I think you should just take some time for yourself and realize that you gave yourself a gift, rather than sitting there and feeling so guilty over this gift, I think it's time to "buck up" and drop the guilt and unwrap the gift in your hands and see what wonders it has in store for you!

 

Good luck, and keep us all here on L.S. posted.......

 

I know you are right, there may be a small part of me that is still in disbelief about the entire thing, I married someone that was ultimately a wrong fit, I saw the signs to a degree and I ignored them if I told you different I would be lying.