a second break two weeks after the first? what to do now

[heavyheart]

Hello All,

I just found this site last night, and it's wonderful to see people freely giving. When someone hurts, sometimes their own insight isn't the best, so anyone who's not connected to the situation can give some very insightful options. Keep up the good work, and I hope I can be as helpful to others, as they are here.

 

 

So, anyway, here's my situation. Let me start by saying, I'm sure there are a few posts, if not hundreds that deal with a similar situation, but yet none are exactly the same, and sometimes what I may deem as a small detail is actually a giant sign, that I, in love, choose to ignore. So, bear with me, as I will start from the beginning.

 

 

My girlfriend, Erica, and I, started dating just over 4 months ago. We had met several years ago as I was her manager at a restaurant that we both worked at. She was dating someone else, and I was engaged at the time, but we hit it off as friends, and it remained at that. Back then, there was nothing more between us, and we had a good time working together, but never in my mind would I have left my finacee, Patti, to be with her.

 

 

Needless to say, times changed and Patti decided that she didn't want to be with me anymore, and that she needed to live the single life, and that she was too young to be married. She was 21 at the time, and I was 23. Of course my heart was broken, but there's nothing I could do to force her to be with me, so I moved on with my life.

 

 

I got back to college after spending a year on Active Duty (it was that year that my fiancee broke it off) and I went looking for people I knew at school. Erica was only a Sophomore when I left for activation, so I figured that she would still be there as a Senior. I tried a few times to call her looking her number up in the school phone directory, but no answers. After I had given up on reaching her, I met her after my German lab, and it was crazy. I looked up and there she was, and she looked wonderful. We chatted a few moments and I gave her my number, and I honestly was glad to have found a friend.

 

 

Needless to say, she called a few days later, after I had gotten off work. She later told me she had tried calling me all day and just wanted to hang out. She came over, and we talked all night. I mean we talked about everything. It was absolutely amazing. I never had that kind of communication with Patti, and it just floored me to see how we could talk so openly about everything. It was early in the morning and she was falling asleep while we talked, and I just wasn't going to let her drive home knowing she could fall asleep. So I offered for her to stay, she was a little reluctant, but after a little persuasion that I didn't think it was safe, she stayed the night with me. Nothing happened. I imagined in my mind all these wonderful situations where she would wake up and fireworks would go off and magic would happen, but that's not the way it was. We didn't touch or kiss, or anything like that.

 

 

The next morning, we got up, and she headed back to school, and made plans to go out to dinner later that evening. So on we went, and became very good friends, and eventually we started dating. Let me make it clear, that when we met in the language lab, she had a boyfriend back home whom she wasn't happy with, but wasn't broken up with either. I know for sure that I was a reason she ultimately broke up with him, but Erica told me that it was inevitable anyway. I don't like to think that I would be that person, but in my mind, I guess I made it ok because she was not happy with him, and she was with me. (Not that that should ever be a good reason to break someone up, and I feel terrible. If it was going to happen, then I should have waited, but I didn't.)

 

 

So we have this absolutely increadible relationship where we can talk about anything, we are so comfortable with each other, and there's nothing anyone in this world could do to make us any less happy. I mean it was just downright heavensent. She was my own personal angel from heaven, and I was having the time of my life.

 

 

She went home for Christmas break, and I had to keep working back near school. So she was about an hour away. I got to see her a few times, and it was still good. I am a person who doesn't ask for much, and all I really ask for is honesty and time. So I asked her for a little more time over the holiday, and she said she had this and that to do, and she wanted to spend time with friends and such, and I understand that, so I let it go. It seemed like forever, and she finally came back to school, and that's when things started getting shaky.

 

 

When she came back, she had committments to take care of that she had to do. I was a bit demanding of her time, and we weren't doing so well. Finally, she told me that she met a new friend at home, and she wasn't sure if she wanted to be with me anymore. She told me that she loved me very dearly, and she didn't want to lose what we had because it was the most amazing realtionship she has ever had, but she wasn't positive in her mind if I was "the one" for her. She thought maybe this new guy could make her more happy, and our relationship wasn't the greatest, but she needed some time to figure it out. So I told Erica that I love her more than life itself, and that I would do anything to help her in her decision, and that included to just walk away, even though that's not what I wanted.

 

 

That next week, I saw her more than the previous month combined. Everything between us was amazing again. We weren't offically together, but it was better than the first weeks when we started dating. She wasn't positive yet about what she wanted, but a week later she decided to stay with me and only remain friends with the guy from home. I was overjoyed. I felt like she was what was missing from my life. Our relationship continued to grow and things just kept going up. I feel that she was telling me the truth when she said that she wanted to have a future with me, and that she couldn't see herself without me in her life. I never thought she lied to me once, and I still don't think that she has.

 

 

And then disaster struck. She went to have lunch with her mom, while I was working, and I get a phone call from her on her way back to school. She was a little distant and something didn't seem right. I talked to her later that night, and found out that she was confused again, and wasn't sure if she we had a future together. When I got off work the next morning, I stopped by school to see her, and see what cause such a change in feeling in only 12hrs.

 

 

We talked and I found out that her mom felt that I wasn't the type of guy for Erica, and that her mom thought that I was demanding and controlling. Of all the words I would use to describe myself, demanding nor controlling would be on that list. So it hurt. Erica isn't the type of person to just take someone else's word for it and just end it with me because her mom said so, but it certainly changed what she was sure of. She was no longer sure we had a future together, she was no longer sure of what she wanted, and she was no longer sure of what role I would have in her life.

 

 

So that's where we are today. We decided to take another break, this time however, we won't be seeing each other nearly every day, and we aren't calling each other all the time. I don't know what to do. My heart tells me don't let her get away, while my mind says, something is clearly not right, since we just took a break 2 weeks ago, and she was positive that she wanted to be with me, but after one conversation with her mom she is totally unsure. I've seen Erica a few times since we decided this, but it's really tearing me up inside. She says she loves me so much, and I believe it. I love her so much too. She says she wants me in her life, and I believe that too, it's just that she doesn't know what role I will play: friend or lover. This is the most amazing relationship that I have ever had. I am 25 and she is only 22, and I know she isn't ready for marriage, even though I am. I don't want to push that on her, but we had talked about it. 2 weeks ago, she said she was going to be with me, married to me, for the rest of our lives, and I honestly believed she thought that until her mom raised some new doubts in her mind.

 

 

So I guess it's down to my real questions. What do I do? Do I keep being supportive, and try and reign in my heart and keep from being too emotional every time we talk? I mean, she calls and asks if I am ok, which I am most of the time, but sometimes I am very heartbroken and miss her, and I get sad and cry when we talk and that makes her sad as well. I know she doesn't want to hurt me, and I don't want her to hurt either. Do I just be the one who says that we need to end it? She and I both believe that if it's meant to be, then it will happen. We both believe that it's going to work out in the end, either as friends or maybe more. I am confused and hurt, and I am reeling because of all the same feelings that I had when Patti broke up with me. All of that came back, and sometimes I feel so overwhelmed that I can't think straight. She is my best friend. I would do anything in this world for her. Where do I go from here?

 

 

I hope that you all give me at least one thing I asked of her, and that is honesty. I may not like what you have to say, but if it is honest, then I have to consider it. Thank you all for any help you may provide, and for at least taking a moment (or ten, I know it's a bit long) to read about someone you don't know and try and give a little insight on a situation that has nothing to do with anyone but Erica and myself.

--HeavyHeart

[Arabess]

She is the one who needs to decide if this relationship is good for her or not.....NOT her Mom. Until she gets to that point of maturity though, you can't change the end result.

 

I would keep my distance and see if she misses you enough to hold onto the relationship in spite of anyone else's opinion.

[heavyheart]

I agree, and she isn't the type of person who will just take what someone says and believe it. If I feel that a friend of hers is taking advantage of her, she won't just go and believe me without finding out for herself, and that's a good thing. She won't blindly follow her mother's opinion, but at the same time, I know my mom is very influential in some of my life's decisions.

 

So I agree with you that it's her decision not her mom's, but also, she is mature enough to know that her mom will support her no matter what she decides, and that it is totally her decision.

 

Thanks for the insight, and I am doing my best to keep a little distance. I don't really expect to see her much if any this week or next. I'll keep you posted.

 

--HeavyHeart

[luvcrazy02]

My boyfriend and I had a break about week ago. He was also confused about how he wanted me in his life...friend or lover. He also told me he loved me very much and never wanted me out of his life...ever. But in our case, it only took him four days to figure it out. But I have remained firm on my feelings and told him that if this happened again, it was the end. So...with that...I told him I'd rather take a longer break and he be sure of his feelings so that didn't happen. Of course, he reasured me that he was sure about his feelings. So we got back together, and so far so good.

 

You need to really think about your own feelings right now. Could you go through it again? Really? I personally know that I couldn't go through it again. You need to consider your feelings too, and not just hers. She's the one that is deciding about how the relationship will be. It is also up to you. I for one...would try to move on. Appear it to yourself that it is over, and try to go on with your life. If she decides to come back to you, and you still want to be with her and you are willing to take that risk of getting hurt yet again...then go for it. But if she doesn't come back, then you've already started the process of getting on with your life, and things will be a little easier than if you just held on.

 

I also had a relationship where the guy was confused, and I sat around and waited for him for months. Needless to say, he never came back. I still talk to him every now and then, but that's as far as it goes. There's a possability that this could happen to you, and I think you should prepare for it. Like the famous quote, "Prepare for the worst, but hope for the best." It's good to live by. I really hope things work out for you, and you are able to get through this. Just keep an objective mind about it all, and try to take yourself out of the situation, and look at it from the outside. Good luck!

[heavyheart]

I didn't know what to do the second time...I wasn't sure she really made up her mind for the right reasons the first time actually. So, I guess in reality we might as well be on one continuous break, but that we had a break from the break, if you will. In my mind, I feel like I am starting to distance myself from her ultimately preparing myself for the final letdown. Sometimes I feel like it's doomed because it started off the wrong way (her cheating on her ex and leaving him to be with me, even though she wasn't happy with him, that's still wrong in both our minds). I can't go back and change the past, and I did what I thought was right at the time, and that's something that I have to live with. It doesn't change the fact that we had a wonderful relationship, and we still do. I know she's dying inside because she loves me and doens't want me to hurt. I know she's dying inside because she doesn't want to be confused and unsure. I know she's dying inside because she's hurting. I wish I had some single answer that would fix it all, but I don't. I want to be the one who helps her throught the months after college. I know it's hard. I've been there and done that, twice. I helped my ex-fiancee through it too. I have a bad taste in my mouth from that situation, because I felt like she used me to get on her feet, and then it was like my purpose was used up for her, so I was old news.

 

I know there's so much more to every relationship than what anyone could write on any amount of paper. I could recount all the good memories and still not even touch the surface of how our relationship is. I don't regret anything that we have done together, or shared or anything like that, and if it is over between us, then I have 4 of the most wonderful months of my life to remember.

 

Some days, it's easy to look ahead to time without her. Some days, it's impossible. My heart aches to spend time with her, but my mind is in control right now, and it says it's the right thing to do, for the both of us. I agree with the people that sometimes "taking a break" is the easy way of letting someone down, and I haven't decided if that's what happened with us. If I do decide and feel that is what happened, then I will talk to her, and tell her that it is over between us. I don't know what the future holds, and I don't know where it will take either of us, but I am a firm believer in three things:

 

1. Things happen for a reason. (Nothing like predetermination, but that there's a specific purpose for things in our lives)

2. If it's meant to be, then it will be.

3. Things that don't kill you, only make you stronger.

 

I read a quote the other day, and it is so wonderfully powerful and true, so that's what I leave with today.

 

It is always amazing how one person can affect your life so dramatically simply by ceasing to be a part of it

-Barbara Grant

 

--HeavyHeart