Why do people get fat, mean, smelly, sleezy, and sometimes better after marriage?

[Tony T]

There's a thread floating around which asks why women get fat after marriage. Of couse we all know that not all women get heavy and men get chubby after the vows as well. I'm sure the original poster realizes that but wanted to know all the reasons why women, specifically, add the pounds.

 

I pretty much know the answer to my question here...but I would like to know why people change in so many ways, not only after marriage but even after a period of time in courtship? Are people too stupid to realize that a partnership will change dramatically along with the personal changes they and their partner make.

 

Love is state specific. I don't care about all the committment crap...that's real nice. But the bottom line is when we fall in love we fall in love with a specific package we don't want to change dramatically. As a man, I want a woman to continue being kind, thoughtful, caring, generous, etc. and in reasonably the same physical state (excepting normal aging) she was in when the relationship when I decided to move forward in a serious way. We fall in love with a package that exists at the time we fall. We do not fall in love with something that's going to exist in the future.

 

Many people "alllegedly" fall in love with people they hope will change for the better in the future. They do not accept what there is now but the chemicals are enough to drive it for a while.

 

The bottom line for me is that I will not commit, nor am I obligated to commit, to someone who is going to let themselves go intellectually, personality-wise, physically or otherwise. If somebody does not continue to grow, we cease to have things to talk about. The marriage ceases to have a reason to exist. If that happens I will uncommit rather quickly. Sure, there will be ups and downs. But I consider it fraud of major proportions for somebody to suck me in bigtime under the pretense that they are a different person than they really are. That's done every minute of every day to someone.

 

I also consider it fraud of the highest magnitude for a woman to go to the the gym everyday to keep herself in sufficient shape to snag a man and not to have that same energy to retain him in the future. (Women who gain weight for medical reasons are exempted, of course) Men are just as liable. If a man changes significantly, and many do, and are no longer the kind, gentle and in reasonably the same shape they were when their woman feel for them, then they are completely guilty of fraud. The relationship becomes a sham.

 

The reason people get divorced is because people change...people become something they weren't in the beginning. Oh yes, sometimes people become unblinded and see the other person the way they should have seen them during courting.

 

It's real sad. I also want to add that in some cases people actually improve and become better after marrriage and those couples are truly blessed.

 

So, I guess rather than asking why people change...I'd like to know how many people who go into serious relationships even considering the fact that things about their loved one can (and probably will) change dramatically over time before they make a committment to being with somebody in marriage?

 

The things you love about someone initially can easily disappear if there's not a strict contract between the two people to maintain them...and to work together towards that goal. And how do you know somebody will retain the energy and/ or interest to do that?

[Arabess]

My Dad used to say:

 

Women marry men hoping they will change.

Men marry women hoping they will stay the same.

 

........maybe it's more true than we would like to think.......

[yes]

This is why I think it's better to be common-law than married. People are lazy - if they feel too safe/comfortable, they don't have as much motivation to keep themselves growing, in shape, etc. But if both people know that the other one can just wake up one morning and decide to leave, both parties will be interested in being nice, caring, interesting, in shape, yada yada.

 

By the way, many women get fatter after child-birth. Some lose the pounds easily, but for some, especially if the woman's older, it's quite hard to both lose the pounds and breast-feed and all that jazz. So men should be reasonable about that.

 

that's my 2c,

-yes

[Tony T]

"This is why I think it's better to be common-law than married."

 

People who are common law married in the United States are just as bound legally as those who were married with a license and in a church or wherever. Two people in a common law marriage have a financial interest in the assets of the other, etc. There's just something about people who seem to take others for granted and think that something will go on forever on autopilot without any work.

 

There's no way to predict how a person will be. So how do you trust that your partner will remain reasonably the same person you married? It's a crap shoot, in my opinion.

[yes]

it's very true that common-law is basically same deal is marriage. hmm.

 

well then perhaps it's just necessary to keep each other on the toes, a lil bit? the whole idea of having your own life stays even once you're married. so if your partner feels that you're not overly dependent on them, it gives them more motivation to keep themselves in check.

 

i've never been married, mind you, so just theoretizing...

 

-yes

[moimeme]

Why do people get fat, mean, smelly, sleezy, and sometimes better after marriage?

ROTFLMAO!!

 

But seriously, Tony -

 

I don't think it's that people change. I think the principal reason that people seem to change is that we, in our oxytocin-addled, hope-driven, innocent desire to have found 'the One' fail to ignore warning signs and/or do not understand that we really do not know someone thoroughly enough to commit a lifetime to him or her. We still labour under the conceit that we can thoroughly know someone in a fairly short period of time even though humans are extremely complex creatures with history and baggage and residual issues from their experiences.

 

There certainly are courting behaviours that some people engage in and may be able to continue for a lengthy period of time which they drop once the target is achieved, but I don't think that it's just that. Some of it is due to the fact that people think marriage should just exist and that they don't need to put effort into it daily, as well. I don't think yes's solution of only living together solves anything; people can divorce as easily as not and clearly the threat of divorce doesn't hold very many relationships together. You need to pick someone who's committed to working at a marriage and who understands what that means.

 

Some of it has to do with expectations. People expect things of their mates that they may not even understand themselves; when those expectations are not met, they react unpleasantly. So, ideally, you hook up with someone who is pretty self-aware and understands how expectations can affect one's outlook and what to do when they do.

 

If somebody does not continue to grow, we cease to having things to talk about.

This is not all that uncommon. It seems to me that some - maybe even many - people hit a point in their lives at which they decide that they have finished with the growing/learning phase of their lives and from there on, it's time to coast on what they've already acquired. Learning does not turn everybody's crank. So you need to be sure you pick yourself someone who's not adverse to it.

 

Bottom line: You MUST spend enough time getting to know someone for the effects of oxytocin and whatever other chemicals are floating around in your noodle to wear off and for you to understand the real character of the person you only think you know. And you just cannot achieve that short of living in the same residence as your intended for at least six months. Most people are unable to keep up any pretense (and most of these are not deliberate, I believe - they delude themselves as well as you) for that long. Living together is the litmust test for living together. Nothing else will serve the purpose.

 

After all, there's no reason whatsoever to rush into a marriage. If the person is that splendid, s/he will be every bit as splendid after six months or a year or four years - you can marry then. If unexpected and unpleasant things emerge about the person during an extended period of living in close quarters, then you've dodged the bullet.

 

By the way, many women get fatter after child-birth

 

Yes has a point. One of the 'joys' of womanhood is that things like birth wreak havoc on one's metabolism. Some people have a very hard time managing to lose all of the weight that they gained with pregnancy.

 

your partner will remain reasonably the same person you married?

It is incumbent upon you to be sure that you know who that person is. You need to understand our tendency to delude ourselves and to see what we want to and mitigate for that.

[biggy]

tony, you re so right. i read this along with the post that started it about women getting fat. i think this truly hits a nerve, and you have it correct---its all a fraud in the beginning really. people put their best foot forward at first, get you in, and then change when they have the commitment. its a total crap shoot. whether its weight, appearance, attitude, etc. thats why its important to go with someone for significant period of time so that their entire character can be viewed and you can be as comfortable as you can with how you trust that person now and in the future. i guess you have to really get to know them and how they will react in the future to changes and circumstances. but that is very difficult over time, and anything can happen.

Maybe along with slimjim's prenup we should have marriages based on a certain number of years , like baseball player's contracts. I take this woman to be my wedded wife, for a period of 5 years after which time we can re-assess and re-negotiate for future years-- or just dissolve it when the time is up and go on. But make it extremely painful and costly to get out before the agreed upon time has been reached. Not very romantic, but maybe realistic in todays world. I can guarantee women wouldn't like it --- they just think too differently. Have you ever thought about why women have to buy an expensive wedding dress that they can only wear one day in their life, and men rent a tux, which can be worn on many social occasions?? Seems kind of backwards!!!!

The system we have now is not working so since marriage is being "redefined",( gay marriages), lets go all the way!!!! (I should have been a lawyer!!!)

I think most of it surrounds a certain self absorption that people have these days - selfishness in that its all about them and their needs. As long as both sides strive to meet the needs of the other- therein lies heaven.

 

But it usually degenerates into one side become the giver and one becoming the taker, with no equity, and then resentment sets in, and its downhill.

 

And people wonder why its so scary these days to get married. It's too easy to get out of, and people jump ship too quickly when things dont go exactly like they are supposed to. Just look at the divorce rate for younger generations...... i bet your grandma didnt divorce!!

[Arabess]

Tony,

 

Maybe marriage should come with a 'lemon law' in place.....hahaha!

[Tony T]

"Maybe marriage should come with a 'lemon law' in place."

 

Yeah, they already have that....it's called DIVORCE!

[Reckless]

I don't know, I think part of it is just human nature. We take what we think we can't lose for granted, our Hi-fi, our health, our spouse; if something is there day after day up-keep gets sloppy.

 

In fact we look after our cars and stereos far more than we do our relationships and since a person and his/her body is 50% of a relationship, it just seems 'natural' to neglect oneself when one thinks that all's well on the western front.

 

Also Moi touched on this concept of 'the one'. People feel part of the marriage deal is that 'love will overcome all'; that since you have love it's enough - they seem eternally surprised when the he stops having sex with me because I don't bathe and have gained 300Ibs or she left me for the postman because I haven't spoken to her since 1978.

 

People buy the Hollywood version of love that ends when the ring is slipped on the finger - no one talks about maintenance, up-keep, repair. No one says that love doesn't conquer all, that poverty, unemployment depression, in-laws, stress, taxes and size 2 secretaries could, in all likelihood kick its butt if you're not paying attention.

 

...'for better or for worse' is not a promise to take on the worse a person can become but the worst that life throws at you with that person, to be loyal; it's a promise to love the man when he's in a job or out of one, not to love him when he proves to be a lazy b@$*rd that wants to live on unemployment and sit in front of the tv farting all day. Sure it's putting up with (rather than loving) all their nasty little habits, it's loving them despite their imperfections but people don't fundamentally change so you should know the worst in that person before you marry them. What you don't know is the worst that life can throw at you, that's were the vows come in.

 

A friend at dinner last week confided in me that her boyfriend told her that he wouldn't consider marrying her until she lost some weight. He didn't say he would if she was lighter mind, but that it was important to him that his wife 'look the part'. I clamped my teeth down on my fork and suppressed the words that were jumping about on the tip of my tongue (as the current 'why do women..' thread demonstrated, weight is a touchy subject with most of us), but I thought well, that's his deal, that's what he wants and he's making it clear from the go-get.

 

Husbands don't say in the church: 'Oh and I want you to stay slim and sexually attractive to me or else I'll continue to love you and respect you as the mother of my children but I'll sleep with your sister..'

 

Maybe if they did we'd all have a more realistic view of the whole thing. Maybe we should all write our own sub-clauses to the marriage vows - just to avoid confusion, hey maybe SlimJim (of fat wives fame) could draw it up for us...

[meanon]

I'd like to know how many people who go into serious relationships even considering the fact that things about their loved one can (and probably will) change dramatically over time before they make a committment to being with somebody in marriage?

 

The things you love about someone initially can easily disappear if there's not a strict contract between the two people to maintain them...and to work together towards that goal. And how do you know somebody will retain the energy and/ or interest to do that?

 

To the first question: not many I guess. We changed fairly dramatically at 3 years, 6 years and when the kids arrived (a simplification for brevity). Each time it was easier to make the adjustment. When we got married we knew we had it in us to cope with major change but by then we'd been together for absolutely ages (11ish years).

 

I disagree with the second statement. People change but their core personality usually remains the same and love can be sustained because of that primary attachment. Things get in the way, people make mistakes, whatever but the love can and does remain. Sometimes I'm sure the changes take you in opposite, irreconcilable directions, sometimes insecurity prevents the degree of compromise that is necessary. Trying to preserve a version of yourself you have outgrown makes no sense to me.

 

There is a nuance in this (and similar) arguments that you are somehow failing to deliver what you promised. To reduce human behaviour and emotion to this seems increadibly superficial to me, maybe I misunderstand the argument. People should be honest about what they are and, if they change, hope and trust that their relationships are founded on strong enough identification with basic personality traits to prevail. If you pretend to be what you are not to snare a partner you are being dishonest, they have fallen in love with a myth and you deserve what you get when you are unmasked.

 

Think about what happens when you have kids. It's life, it happens, nothing is ever the same again. Tremendous joy yes but tremendous pressure on a relationship too as you adjust to vastly changed roles and expectations. More divorces happen in the first 2 years after childbirth than any other time. No suprises there. Those that can adapt, survive. (Darwinism!)

 

The physical appearance thing is slightly different. I think changes happen for all sorts of understandable reasons but it's a relatively simple thing to remedy and if it bothers your partner you'd sort it out. Changing needs, hopes, roles, expectations - they are an entirely different ball game.

[HokeyReligions]

Why do people get fat, mean, smelly, sleezy, and sometimes better after marriage?

 

I see this way;

 

Because we change and adapt to the infinite number of curves that life throws at us. Sometimes we make changes together, sometimes as individuals, and sometimes the thing that happens to two people can change them in different ways and they end up on separate paths. Sometimes they don't know which way to turn at the next intersection so that they can cross paths again, and sometimes they go their own way so long, that they no longer want or need to join paths. Sometimes the one thing that changes them, changes them together and keeps them on the same path for a long time or even forever.

 

SOME people get fat, mean, smelly, sleazy, etc. for different reasons. One might get fat because they are handicapped and cannot exercise and because their spouse wants to spend time with them, they are limited to sedentary activities and gain weight together. (That's what happened to me - even though I got a lot of exercise pushing him in his wheelchair for all those years!)

 

And some people become depressed or worn down by life and they don't care anymore.

 

Others change their focus after the trap has been sprung and their appearance takes a backseat to new priorities - but maybe neither they, or their spouse, see it until the evidence shows up in their dress size.

 

Sometimes I guess it is plain disrespect and it is deliberate.

[reader]

I love this site!!! Now we have VO, BO, SOB, and OK!!!!!!!

[jenny]

i think i am looking forward to my partner's flaws. i'm still in the nine month throes of love, though, and in this way naive.

 

every morning, i wake up and notice his ear hairs. they have gotten about an inch longer since i've known him, and i rather hope they grow to ridiculous lengths. i hope one day he uses them to cover any possible receding hairlines.

 

i feel like i'm signing up for flaws. i want to; i'm priviledged to do so. right now, i don't care if he gets fat, poor, or bald. he'll still giggle and he'll still be laconically hilarious. even if he isn't, i'll be lucky to pay off the intial purchase of him for the rest of my life. i feel lucky to get him for any amount of time.

 

i don't often feel sentimental towards those who are close to me; it often feels like a degradation of real feeling into cliches to me. but there is something about this topic and my partner's slight french-food belly combined that rises my ire and my very real love for wily ear hairs.

[Darkangelism]

Originally posted by jenny

 

 

every morning, i wake up and notice his ear hairs. they have gotten about an inch longer since i've known him, and i rather hope they grow to ridiculous lengths. i hope one day he uses them to cover any possible receding hairlines.

 

 

ROFL