Scared my marriage is over

[Marissa1986]

I need help from some one or somewhere!!!

 

I have been married to my husband for a year now and we just had our first child together. So much has changed and I am having second thoughts. We have only been together for a little over 2 years now and we started off with so much drama and hurt. I truly dont know what we were thinking now that I look back on how we started.

 

When we met I was soooo in lust with him, we spent all our time together and I had never met anyone I connected more to. He let me be me and we had so much fun together and he was the best sex I had EVER had or even imagined I could have. Well we decided to get married and soon after I found out I was pregnant so we got married fast. Then it all changed he never wanted to touch me while I was pregnant. But he always wanted me to go down on him. He stopped trying to turn me on and would just say "umm you want some dick" well hunny sorry but that doesnt make me want to jump on you.

I did everything he wanted just because I saw how I was I gained soooo much weight and I didnt look like the girl he married and to let myself go so soon in the marriage. I felt I needed to do anything he wanted to keep him. But after a while I got sick of it especially after my daughter was born. I was so into her and taking care of her my husband and sex was the last thing on my mind. Well I had found a bunch of porn on our computer, I mean ALOT he would spend all day looking at porn. So I got a little mad, dont get me wrong I like porn and I dont mind that he watches it but I felt that how much he was doing it was a bit excessive. And my body had changed and I was scared he was more into porn then me. So that changed how I looked at him and made me not want to touch him even more.

He wants sex all the time but doesnt want to put forth into turning me on. I want someone to kiss me and rub all over my body and take off my clothes slowly and just seduce me. But now I just dont like having sex at all its boring to me now. And I love him and during the day our marriage is perfect we laugh and joke and kiss and cuddle but when bedtime comes around he huffs and puffs when he doesnt get what he wants. I just dont know what to do any more maybe its time we move on I dont think I am good enough or I cant give him what he wants and needs. If there is any ways to save us .pleaseeeee help I dont want my child to come from a broken home and I want to grow old with my best friend

[EnigmasMuse]

You said you were in lust . You stated that there was drama and hurt from the beginning. Been together for about 2 years, been married for one and already have a child. He doesn't want to put forth the effort in the relationship etc. He is liking porn, doesn't want to do much for you but wants you to do for him. What do you think you need to do? Please don't say stay for the child, that will not work, chances are it will make things worse. Lots of redflags and resentments here, unless he is 100% committed to change, and you as well, its not gonna work I'm afraid.

[jandilee]

Try reading this article, it may help.

 

http://www.savelovetoday.com/get-ex-back/learn-how-to-rebuild-a-broken-relationship-to-win-back-ex/

[coffeecat]

To echo what another poster said, I don't think you should stay for the child but I also don't think you should up and leave either. Many marriages go through stages like the one you described. The problem with people is that they want to throw in the towel at the first sign of trouble. You have to try to communicate with him first.

 

I must state that I know many people won't agree with me , but I don't agree with porn and I think it can be damaging to a man's psychology, and damaging to sexual relationships and marriages. I have been married for 17 years and my husband has always been a considerate and satisfying lover. He does not look at porn.

 

Anyway, I don't mean to go off on that tangent. I just believe that you need to talk to him about how you feel. Just be direct. Have you tried to communicate? In my experience men don't take hints very well, you have to tell them what you want. If you want to address it in the scope of sex then you could also seduce him and tell him what to do. "Kiss me here..." ... " I love your hands on my body... touch me all over".... etc...

Edited October 12, 2010 by coffeecat

[Dean M.]

Your husband need to grow up and realize his part in marriage doesn't involve demanding his needs be met. His part is to meet yours. Coming from a decade of marriage, I have to say your husband needs to be a man. Doesn't sound like he is. He'd rather have the immediacy of porn over his own wife. That man needs help. I've dealt with too many men like this who thought marriage was about getting all they can from a woman, instead of realizing its about pouring all you can into a woman. Is there anyone he respects who can speak some sense into his life?

[Angel1111]

Your marriage definitely doesn't have to be over. You both sound very young and immature. There's nothing like getting married and having kids to make you grow up fast though. If your husband is resentful of how things have worked out between the two of you, then that needs to be worked out. If he didn't count on being a dad and having to deal with that, then that needs to be worked out too. It would also be a good idea to just talk to him about your feelings and how him treating you like a porn star isn't going to fly. That's the problem with porn, it's impersonal. His relationship with you cannot be impersonal.

 

While you do have a lot of obstacles to overcome, they can be worked out. There's a marriage website out there that's really good but I can't remember the name of it right now. If you do a search, I'm sure you can find something. The biggest thing you're up against is the newness of your relationship with your husband, and his level of immaturity. I hope the two of you can work things out.

[brokenpoet]

It seems to me that maybe this is an issue you guys could talk calmly about during the day when things are running smoothly. I know I'm repeating things that other posters have said, but I also agree with coffeecat: be direct and communicate. I think that he needs to realize that if he does things for you and acts like he wants to LOVE you and not just DO you then it'll make a huge difference in the way you feel about sex.

 

I don't have a problem with porn, but anything in excess is bad... alcohol, coffee, sex, time together... anything excessive is bad. Porn included. If sex is boring to you now, then that definitely means he stopped trying...

 

Talking about it is definitely your best bet. When you're young there's always a lot of drama. But once you figure out how to solve things without the dramatics, things go much more smoothly.

[Spark1111]

Porn can be a bad, bad habit for some men. It can alter their brain chemistry in a way that is disturbing in that they seek "porn sex" from their spouse and less intimacy, because of over stimulation of the limbic system of the brain.

 

They become porn addicts and all their relationships suffer as a result of see-sawing chemicals.

 

Aye, yay, yay! Then they approach their wives with all the subtlety of a 7-minute internet porn movie. None! Yuck!

 

Women would not date a guy who did that, and now they find they are married to that very same guy! Who tries to seduce them by approaching them like a paid sex worker.

 

Look, get to counseling. Try to find a good counselor. You just had a baby, and this should be a difficult, but magical time in your relationship as you both learn to be parents and a family TOGETHER.