How long do you wait?

[Arabess]

Since there are a couple (??) of threads about this subject.....

 

I realize there are different contributing factors, but if someone says they need space or are breaking off the relationship because they are confused, just how long should you wait on them before throwing in the towel?

 

And what should you do while you are waiting?

 

I have a tendency to be post negatively about these relationships and need to get a broader perspective.

[Vivid_29]

I wouldn't wait for one friggin second! They can take all the time they need, while I go out and find me a new lady!

 

~V

[lost_in_chgo]

Hi Arabess

 

 

Wait until the end of time.

 

or

Do like vivid said.

 

Believe me I do understand that it is often much MUCH easier to just bolt the door, walk away, and find a new person. Certainly waiting can take a severe toll on a person. It all depends on the circumstances, ages, people, time and feelings involved.

 

I think a person needs to decide that for themselves. But moreso, if they believe that waiting will be productive then they should wait.

 

But finding someone else to spend time with in the meatime is probably a good idea if the ex is doing the same.

[meanon]

I'd be tempted to take the Vivid approach and tell them to take a hike .

 

Often though that is pride talking. It must depend on the reason. If it's one you can understand and agree with (on a logical rather than an emotional level) then you'd wait as long as you were able. If you don't understand why you are being asked to wait then it may well be a rejection of you - I'd get out fast.

[UCFKevin]

If the prospect of a "break" ever comes up in my future, I'll just simply say, "Nope. Sorry. We're either together or we're not."

 

I wouldn't wait another god damn second on a break. Not after last time. Not after waiting for months for NOTHING. To hell with that.

[Arabess]

Well....one thing for sure....THIS isn't the 'let's hang on' group!!!! LOL!

[dario]

In all honesty, if I could do it over...and the request for space was asked for. I'd leave it at that wthout another word. I'd comply, say that my support is unconditional but drive that car out of there with conviction.

[midori]

If I were with someone who wanted to "take a break" I would interpret that to mean that we were breaking up without prejudice, that is to say, no hard feelings, and there's a possibility of getting back together at some point in the future. A possibility, that's all.

 

And if he did in time (a week, a month, whatever) decide that he'd straightened out whatever it was that was troubling him, and wanted to get back together with me, I would expect that he would be able to articulate to me what had been going on in his mind in a meaningful way. I wouldn't just welcome him with open arms.

 

But just as there are no gurantees that a person who needs a break will eventually come back, neither are there guarantees that the other person will be available if and when the "breaker" does want to return.

 

The way I see it "a break" = "break up." It's either on or it's not on. There are no in-betweens, unless you want to live in limbo at someone else's pleasure. I'm not willing to do that.

[Exgirlfriend]

Also I think you should take into consideration of whether or not the person asking for a "break" is being truthful. Sometimes taking a "break" really translates into--I don't want to hurt your feelings so I'm going to make this easy for the both of us and say I want a "break" when really I want to breakUP.

[dario]

True, Exgirlfriend. But I knw now a 'break' was requested for just that - a break. And when the call came I completely ruined any chance at reconcilliation by sabotage. There are sometimes a genuine eason for a break. I know that well now.

[Arabess]

I see it the same way ExGirl......

[gaia]

Never done it and I don't think I ever would. If they can't include me in sorting out the relationship problems in the early stages, just how bad will communication get later?

[aesmith]

I think many of the posts are correct in that taking a "break" translates into "breaking up." If you still love the person, wait for them as long as you can. In the meantime, when you are ready to even be in the presence of male company, I would develop other male friendships. I would be honest with them and tell them that you just got out of a relationship and are not looking for a serious relationship, but just friends (if that is your standpoint). The longer time passes, the more your heart will mend. By this time, either he will be ready to get back with you (at which time you may be uninterested) or you will have gotten used to the idea of dating someone else and may have even found someone else that you'd rather date.

[mandrews1119]

I was surprised to read this post from you. I think deep in your heart you are one of us hopeless romantics after all. You are welcome in the club at any time.

[lost_in_chgo]

Arabess is a closet hopeless romantic. (and you "outed" her)

You can see it leaking out around the edges all the time.

But she's been burned and she is very defensive.

 

I have a friend that is like that but her thing is to blame men for all her problems.

[mandrews1119]

Hey lost,

So you are onto Arabess too, huh? Arabess, we're going to get you over here on our side, you are just one great relationship away!!!

[Dixiecron]

Hmmm. Great relationship with whom? If its a new guy, woudn't that imply that she was correct all along in saying "taking a break means it over, move on"?

 

Of course getting back with the ex if it works is good too. Win-win either way.

 

Just playing devil's advocate

[sinkerswim]

This is what I would like to know. How long?

Last time I saw my boyriend/fiance (of 8 years) was on Feb. 3rd. After a huge blowout he said he wanted space to cool down a bit.

It all stems from me being too possessive with him and untrusting.

I can kill myself now for it.

 

Anyway, I spoke to him a couple days later from that point and I asked if he was breaking up with me and he said "I dont know what I want to do yet"

That was devastating to hear.

I told him 8 years is a long time and he said I know it is.

 

So..I let him go a week. Which led me to Valentines Day.

I called him. I asked what the status was and how he felt about me

He said "I dont know what to tell you yet"

I said "were you going to call me anyway?" And he said "Yes"

So, I said "Please dont leave me hanging" and he said he wouldnt.

2 times he said he wouldnt.

 

It has now been 3 weeks since I have heard from him.

The hardest month of my life has been without him.

I was in the middle of finding an apartment when all ths happened and I moved into a new place on Feb. 21st.

He is not here. And he should be. He is my fiance. I am LOST without him.

I am seeing a therapist and I am on 3 medications.

It is ripping my heart out.

I miss him more than anything. Everything i see or do reminds me of him.

Being in this depression is taking a toll on me.

 

I recently just sent him a quick note with my new address and phone number and he should be getting it by Monday or Tuesday.

I dont know what to do. I want to call...but I feel damned if I do, damned if I dont.

I know hes not with anyone else. Hes probably just happy he doesnt have to answer to anyone for awhile. Everyone tells me when he is ready to talk, he will be ready to talk.

 

Today is a bad day for me. Im so sad without him.

[ldybg51]

[font=century gothic][/font][color=green][/color]

 

Hang in there.

 

He obviously does not know what he wants. This could be good or bad.

 

Good: He doesnt know that he does Not want you.

Bad: He doesnt Know that he does want you.

 

Sounds like he is trying to sort out some IS she really the one feelings. The best thing you can do right now is the no contact. That will only serve to drive him away. He will miss you or he wont. If he is talking to you all the time he wont have a chance to miss you, but he will have a chance to continue focusing on the negative feelings he is feeling right now.

 

On the original topic: I think that you have to wait until your heart just isnt waiting anymore. I think your heart will move on when it is ready. You cant do anything but wait until its done waiting.

[Sheleigh]

I totally feel for you. I do think, however, that sending him the new address and phone number was a mistake. That will start all over your "no contact" rule that you were probably following. Men are completely different than us. I am going to a psychiatrist starting Wednesday to get over my heartache, and I am a little discouraged when I read some of the posts here where people are still sad six months later. Boy, that's discouraging. It's been 2 weeks for me, and every minute feels like a day. I hate the uncertainty, and wondering where he is, if he's found somebody new. I just wish we could predict the future. You want him back so bad and you just think, gosh, if they only knew how sorry I am, and how much I miss them, and how much I regret doing what I did, then they'd come back to me.

 

Unfortunately, the books I've been reading all point to the no contact issue with men. Any contact pushes them away. Eight years is forever to us, but men have some special mechanism I wish I had sometimes. They can just shut it off and block it out. And we are so different that we have no way of even comprehending how they can begin to feel that way. You wonder how they can just walk away, and they can. They don't have the same sentimental attachment and need that we do. We are emotional, and they are practical. It's a wonder why we are even meant to be together.

 

Keep your spirits up as much as you can. It is so sad, and I feel so much for you. I am not going to tell you to go out and try to get over it so you are over him when and if he eventually calls because that's all I've been hearing and I don't like it!!!!!!!! I do know that no contact is the only thing that will work, if anything will work at all. Contacting pushes them so far away. It may be eight years to you, but it's like a week to them once you start pushing, and it's very easy for them to push back and forget. I am learning, and I'm afraid with all I know about men now, I may not date for 5 years.....LOL. Just do whatever is best for you right now, and if it's sitting and feeling sorry for yourself, do it. Everybody acts like we can just go, okay, I'm going to the mall. Well, I tried that, and I cried at the mall. Just walked around crying. That's so embarassing, so I'd rather sit here and wallow in my self pity. Good luck to you.

[mandrews1119]

Oh, no Sheleigh,

 

You have the picture half correct. I am dealing with a situation almost identical to what you have described with my ex in a very LTR (over 10 years!), and it is SHE that has seemed to shut everything out. If you read these posts, you will probably note that it is mostly guys who are being shut out and callrd stalkers and everything other than children of God by the women who seem to just turn it off, so it seems to go both ways. I just wish my ex were as understanding as you and some of the other ladies who post here. Best of luck.