Divorcing a terminally ill husband

[Kallen]

Hi all,

 

Like the title says, I filed for divorce. My hubby was diagnosed with a brain tumor a week after we were married. We have been together for five years and married for two, so our whole married life has been dealing with his cancer. We both just turned 30...

 

I feel awful, I am a mess, I love him so much, but he became abusive, someone I didn't even know.

 

When he was first diagnosed , we were both very strong, I never once though of leaving him or our marriage. I took care of everything, I worked , paid the bills, cooked, cleaned, and was taking care of him through his treatments. To say I was stressed was a understatement.

 

Of course my hubby was depressed, angry , scared , sad all of those emotions. He couldn't drive due to seizures, the surgery left him feeling incomplete. I tried everything to get him into therapy and on some anti depressants. As for me, I was seeing a therapist at the hospital he was getting his treatment at.

 

He hasn't worked in two years, even though the doctors have told him it would be better for his depression.

 

He pretty much stopped being a husband, plays video games on the comp 10-12 hours a day, doesn't shower or interact with the outside world. He doesn't see the point of going back to school or work, so what, if this going to be my life? A husband who I have to take of, who doesn't return the favor?

 

We have gotten great news from his MRI scans, for two years the tumor has shrunk, and he went off treatment, his last MRI showed a new tumor and regrowth of the old, but his doctor is sure they can control the growth, and said he has a good prognosis.

 

I know this is long, sorry

 

He has kicked me out of the apt two times, the first time was due to the fact that he cussed me out when I reminded him to take his meds when he feel asleep, he said sorry but I went to cool off at my moms instead of taking him to his parents house like we planned. I really didn't want to be around him at that time, when I came home, he said he wouldn't do anything for me anymore (like he did anything for me anyways)....I made dinner and we watched TV in silence, after a few minutes, he turned off the TV and started yelling at me, screaming and throwing things, saying I treat his family like "crap". I giggled at him, since the only other thing I could do was yell or cry, he threw food in my face and told me to leave...so my mom came and picked me up. He said I have no respect for him since I laughed at him, I feel bad about doing that, but he was acting so crazy.

 

I still drove him to all his dr appts. and went food shopping with him since he had had another seizure, I don't know why I did, I guess I really do love him.

 

One thing that really hurt, was that he told his whole medical team that I "abandoned" him, when in reality he kicked me out. I was SOO mad, they thought I was a monster, a nurse who was a great friend of mine would no longer talk to me.

 

After a few months I went back, and week later he kicked me out AGAIN for "nagging" him about his smoking. I hated that he smokes and has cancer.

 

So, back to my moms house I went.

 

Now, I am no angel in this marriage, I am hard to live with as well, and can get pretty moody, so I was and am not blameless in this divorce.

 

So, he asked me to come "home" the last time. We planned on getting an apt closer to my job. Then he decides he wants his best friend to move in with us in our small 2bd apt. This after we had already talked about finding a new apt. I didn't want the friend to move in, our marriage was already such a mess, we just needed to focus on each other. Anyways, he didn't care how I felt and the friend moved in....so yea, I moved out this time due to him wanting me to pay for half of his car payment if I wanted to drive "HIS" car, things were never "ours" but his.

 

I filed for divorce, I feel so guilty, but was so unhappy there, especially after the friend moved in. I cry all day and night and can't focus on my job. I have my own apt and I hate it, I'm lonely and miss him a lot.

 

My biggest fear is that he will die and I won't be there. I don't see how I can move on after this and when and if he does pass away , what will I feel? or do?...I feel like my life is ruined and I'll have this awful guilt forever. He has said I don't deserve to be happy, that I can't leave his cancer, since he can't leave it...is he right?

 

K

[BellaBellaBella]

Wow! That is a lot to deal with. Cancer is heart breaking, especially brain cancer. Do you think it has changed his personality? It sounds like you stuck with him, until he became abusive.

 

My MIL was mentally ill to begin with and she had "terminal" cancer where she was suppose to die within 6 months. She didn't die for years. We had to protect ourselves from her. We blocked her number and gave her someone to call us if it was an emergency. We made sure she had ways to get to her doctor's appointments. Cancer Society has people who will do this. The doctor's were signed off to speak to my husband and I.

We had a horrible amount of guilt over this. She also had a sister, who enabled her mental illness and tried to interfer with proper care for her.

My husband almost lost his job over the pressure of her illness and mental illness. By the time she wasn't able to care for herself, she still refused our help. On an emergency room visit I took her to, I got her admitted and then spoke to the social services to explain the unsafe home condition. She refused our help in coming in and cleaning. Things were horrible. Finally, she was seen in her crazy actions by mental health professionals and we had her declared incompentent. This was decimating to us. She has since passed away. We had a private service, with us and her brother only. No other relatives were invited. My husband felt guilty and huge relief.

 

I don't blame you for what you have done. You can only help someone who wants your help. Sounds like your husband doesn't. Sounds like he wants a whipping bag or a servant. Please forgive yourself and allow your self to grieve the man you married. It is hard to leave when they are sick. There is a certain point when you have to save yourself. Think of some ways you can get support and ways you can self care. This so much more complicated by the cancer. However, it seems as if you were a victim of abuse as well.

 

What did your IC say? Are you continuing? Please do?

[Kallen]

Hi Bella,

 

What an awful situation you had with youre step mom. Cancer has a way of either destroying or making a relationship better. I am glad you did what you could for her.

 

I am no longer seeing my IC. We talked about him kicking me out, and while I was living at my mom's, he noticed I was much much happier. He agreed that the situation was bad for me.

 

My hubby just called to let me know he found more of my stuff. I told him I would pick it up on my way home from work, but he said he doesn't want to see me, that he hates me, wakes up with "burning anger" towards me and said he "wasted" the five years he spent with me....I don't feel hatred towards him, I don't regret meeting him or marrying him. After all he put me through I still love him, but its obvious all he feel towards me is anger.

 

I never knew how difficult life could be:(

[skydiveaddict]

My God, I feel horrible for you. I've been having a terrible time myself, but I can't even imagine what you (and your husband) are going through. It brings my situation into perspective. I hope that you will be ok.

[stillafool]

What a horrible situation for both of you. My husband's father had terminal cancer at a young age (41) and he put my MIL through pretty much the same thing you are going through. He also had diabetes and loss both of his legs before he died. He was extremely abusive because he felt cheated and took it out on his wife. I feel so bad for you. Did the doctors give him a time limit on his life?

[FanFan]

 

My hubby just called to let me know he found more of my stuff. I told him I would pick it up on my way home from work, but he said he doesn't want to see me, that he hates me, wakes up with "burning anger" towards me and said he "wasted" the five years he spent with me....I don't feel hatred towards him, I don't regret meeting him or marrying him. After all he put me through I still love him, but its obvious all he feel towards me is anger.

 

I never knew how difficult life could be:(

 

Why does he hate you? Were you mean to him? Were you not nice to his family?

[Kallen]

Thanks for the replies

 

 

The doctors say he has a good prognosis....the last time we asked about what time he has left he said 7 years. BUT there a new treatments coming out all the time. It's just so awful. He used to be such a nice guy, but has turned into such an angry person

[Kallen]

Why does he hate you? Were you mean to him? Were you not nice to his family?

 

Hi, I asked him that same question today...I don't understand why he "hates" me. It has to be because I left this time, instead of him kicking me out. I don't really get the anger....if he loved me he would try to work things out...I am so emo today, after hearing how much he hates me, I should be relieved about not being with him...he must have never really loved me.

 

I wasn't mean to him, or his family. We fought as a couple, but I was never mean to him. I did everything for him. I KNOW I wasn't a perfect wife, but I tried everything to make my marriage work....

[FanFan]

 

I wasn't mean to him, or his family. We fought as a couple, but I was never mean to him. I did everything for him. I KNOW I wasn't a perfect wife, but I tried everything to make my marriage work....

 

It's going to kill him inside if you start dating within the next 7 years.

[florence of suburbia]

Could his personality change be a physiological side effect?

[You Go Girl]

People deal with bad news in different ways, I'm sure. Your H seems to do the worst, which is take it out on the people they love.

Maybe for the future you can play a reduced role. You could try it anyway, and see how it goes. Not living with him, but there for him sometimes, sometimes to help him out.

Your call, I don't know what answer is going to work for you. What I do know though is that you said you have a tremendous amount of guilt.

Finding a way to still be caring and helpful to him, without taking the brunt of his anger against something you have no control over, might ease your mind.

I recently found out that a dear friend who had lung cancer now has also pancreatic cancer and brain cancer, several tumors in his brain, and he's only 51. If he wasn't so far away (thousands of miles) I would do what I could. I worry for him, but we're all helpless against cancer. I feel helpless.

Edited October 11, 2010 by You Go Girl