Do I risk a friendship and tell him about his wife's infidelity?

[NotaBadGuy]

Here is the predicament...Do I tell a "good" freind about his wife's infidelity when I know for a fact what is going on or do I act like I don't know what's gone on? I am having a tough time deciding. He will never be able to catch her because she is very methodical in what she does. She just failed in several areanas I happend to be involved in. She has no idea I even have a clue about her little "game." I am to the point that I think I should tell him because he has no clue and am willig to take the gamble on losing him as a friend should he no believe me, but I am just wanting some insight from others who may have some thourghts or ideas I have not considered. Thanks.

[dyermaker]

The truth would only be noble if it were any of your business. Many disagree with me, but I know that if my spouse was cheating, I would never want to know.

[Tony T]

The very best thing to do is to keep your mouth shut. However, if you feel such an incredible urgency to spill the beans that you can't stand it, send him an anonymous, typed, unsigned letter with all the details and tell him to check it out for himself. Then forget it. It's always best not to get involved in this kind of stuff.

[GeorgiaSongbird]

Yeah, most people would say it's not your business, the messenger always get shot, yadda, yadda... here is the flip side....

 

Will you have an answer for your "good" friend if he looked you in the eye and asked "Why didn't you tell me?" .. what would you say to that?

 

My exH slept w/my best friend and got another girl knocked up - she was 7 months pregnant when I found out - before anyone got around to tell me.. and yeah, lots of my "friends" knew but didn't want to get involved. He was a "friend" and they didn't want to rat him out, but to me it was like they were helping him keep his secret. I am not friends w/most of them anymore. I am still friendly and very close to the person who finally told me...

 

Its a gamble and you never know how the person is going to react, but it sounds like you've already decided the worse case (losing the friend) is worth it, so I say tell him before he catches something from her or the game she is playing cost him in some other fashion. JMO.

[moimeme]

One of the awful things about being in that situation can be finding out that 'everyone' around you knew but didn't/wouldn't tell you. Then, not only were you cheated on, but you feel like a total fool as well since 'everybody' knew.

 

I believe one of the stock answers to a situation like this is to tell the offender that s/he has to 'fess up to partner or you will. That gives the offender a chance to own up first.

[Benedict]

I second Moimeme's position.

 

Tell her. Then if she doesn't tell him, you do it.

 

I wished someone had told me about my ex's little game.

[NotaBadGuy]

Initially, it is not a very good idea to say anything to her. She has the ability to talk her way out of situtions with far fetched stories that contain elements of the truth but often leave out the pertinent details. She is very clever in covering her tracks but failed to do so in this case. It will be a situation where the offender will have every reason other than the truth for what has gone on. That would be a great approach in other situtiations perhaps, but here I do not personally feel as if it is a viable option to confront her.

 

My intuition seems to agree with GeorgiaSongBird on this one. But please feel free to play the devil's advocate on this one. I am still looking and interested in everyone's insight. Thanks.

[brashgal]

If she has the ability to talk her way out of situtions with far fetched stories that contain elements of the truth, don't you think she'll try to do that when he confronts her after you tell him what she's been up to? Won't he probably believe her and think that you jumped to conclusions?

 

About the only foolproof way for him to find out and believe it is to catch them in the act. Can you make that happen? Even then she may be able to talk her way out of it.

 

I say this because my ex was a very good storyteller and I initially believed him - he fooled me for close to a year.

[reservoirdog1]

I'm not sure I'm qualified to give you advice because I was where your friend is now. There are three options:

 

1) Do nothing.

2) Tell him.

3) Tell her that you know.

 

Two of my friends sat my TBXW down two summers ago, and told her they knew she had been cheating on me (supposedly the physical part of the affair had previously ended). She went as white as a sheet, and asked how they knew. They refused to divulge that information. That was an excellent move on their part -- it completely cut off at the knees her ability to go into damage control mode since she didn't know who she had to talk to and spin new lies to.

 

The other thing they said to her was that, if they ever found out she was cheating on me again, they wouldn't go to her. They would come directly to me.

 

That wasn't necessary. Another year went by, and she finally confessed everything to me. We're separated and will be divorcing.

 

I don't envy my friends for the path they chose. I hope I'm never placed in such a sh*tty situation. One of the two friends was in agony about what to do -- he talked to his parents, his priest, and to our other mutual friends. When I told my sister about all of this several months ago, her response was, "if it was me, I would have gone right to you... but that's just me. I'm glad I wasn't in that situation."

 

Sorry I don't have a definitive answer for you, but of the available options, I think #3 is the best. Just my $0.02 worth.

[Arabess]

The only time I ever 'shared'....THEY got back together and both hated me. LOL!

 

It's a hard call. Whatever choice you make, make it with great conviction and be ready for any possible outcome.

 

[jayded]

i agree with the anymous (sp?) email. Maybe send her one though and tell her you know and that she better tell him or you'll do it for her.

I've been cheated on and friends knew. I felt betrayed by all of them but I saw how difficult it would have been for them to tell me.

Your friend deserves to know, in my opinion.

 

Good luck, post what you do and how it works out!

jayded

[NotaBadGuy]

Brashgal,

With the way the situation is in its current state, there is basically no way that catching them in the act is a possibility. If it were, that would have most likely been one of my first options. I do believe she will try to talk her way out of the situation. She will probably come up with some load of crap and whether he believes it is up to him. She will not, however, be able to deny the facts and circumstances against her. He may believe her but a normal human in the situation would think twice about that option. It is a tough call though. If he believes her, then you know the answer already. But I am well aware of that too.

 

 

Reservoirdog1,

Thanks for giving the insight you did. I appreciate it. I am truly in a picle, but I feel as if I owe it to tell him what's going. Like I mentioned earlier, telling her will do no good. She will take the high road and deny, deny, deny. She will then beat me to him and come up with some fantasy world justification and I will loose all credibility. The key is for me to beat her to him. Sorry to hear about your situation. I too have been the one in the same shoes, except I was never told. Luckily I figured things out on my own. It is a tough decision to make and it has been kind of eating at me. That is part of the reason why I decided to post this on LS.

 

 

Arabess,

I hope that does not happen in my case, but I am prepared to accept that result if it does.

 

 

Jayded,

I too believe my freind deserves to know. The letter will not work in this situation. If it was an option, that would be another way to go though. Thanks for the thoughts. I will make sure to keep things posted as they unfold. Should be interesting to say the least.

[jenny]

mind your own business. he will not thank you.

 

i have known and told once, when i was much younger, and i would never do so again. i made some assumptions based on a smattering of evidence - far less than would be legally acceptable - and stormed in self-importantly to save the wife. i blush to think of it now. i was right, but it was not the right way to solve the problem. it was just not my business.

 

let me ask you all the questions they will ask you:

 

you do not mention what specific proof you have? how could you have seen her but she did not see you? do you only have circumstantial evidence? do you have any motive for wanting your friend to think badly of his wife? do you have pictures? why were you watching his wife? why did you not talk to her first? have you ever cheated on your women? did you dislike his wife before your discovery?

 

---------

and, finally, for my own curiosity, why did you put "good" in quotation marks? do you mean it sarcastically?if he is not a close, best, beloved, friend, than telling him should not even be a possibility.

[NotaBadGuy]

Jenny,

 

Here are the answers to your questions. -->

 

"you do not mention what specific proof you have?" For lack of this being a totally controlled environment, I will not speak of specific proof, but I will say that I do have the proof needed to meet the threshhold requirement - how does proof beyond a reasonable doubt sound?

 

"how could you have seen her but she did not see you?" We'll just say that she has no reason to think I have been anywhere near where she has been. She is clever, but still sloppy at the same time. It was more a coincidence on my part even seeing her than it was me seeking her out. Hopefully that answers what you were looking for.

 

"do you only have circumstantial evidence?" As mentioned in question one, I believe the evidence is fairly concrete. It may not be as strong as some evidence of this type may be, but it is very compelling. Although enough circumstantial evidence will often carry the day in a court of law, I do not believe that to be the case here.

 

"do you have any motive for wanting your friend to think badly of his wife?" I do not have any motive outside of not seeing my friend decieved by his wife. He at least needs to know what is really going on with her. His wife has often played as my friend in the capacity to not bring attention to herself. Like I mentioned above, I would not have even figured things out except for me happening to be at the right place at the right time.

 

 

"do you have pictures? why were you watching his wife?" Pictures of what? And why would I be watching his wife. Like I said above, I just happened to be in the right place at the right time. I was not initially searching out to find her. In fact, I did not even know she was around.

 

 

"why did you not talk to her first?" As mentioned in one of my earlier posts, it was and still is not in anyone's best interest. She is not the type of person who this approach would have any effect with. You just have to believe me on that one without me going into details.

 

"have you ever cheated on your women?" Call me old fashoined, but I have NEVER cheated on any woman I was dating or married to. I was raised with it instilled in my mind that cheating and infidelity are wrong. I value the concepts of commitment, trust, and honesty. On the other side of the coin, I have been cheated on. I have been married a couple of time and both women decided to partake of fruit from another tree.

 

"did you dislike his wife before your discovery?" I never disliked his wife. I always thought there might have been something about her that I just could not put my finger on, but nothing to the extent it is now. I spent many hours with them both and had/have a good relationship with them both. I did not recently meet them and feel obligated to pass this info on nor are they some couple I sort of know. I do have a substantial relationship with them.

 

"why did you put "good" in quotation marks?" Good was put into quotation marks to emphasize that this was a close friennd. Maybe I should have gone about that another way, but that was the intention of the quotation marks. He is not a best friend, but he is a close friend. Sorry for the confusion.

 

And thank you for replying. Those were sound questions. I hope I answered them with what you may have been looking for. If not, ask more and I will try to do a better job of answering them. I know any way I look at it, it is a tough decision. I try not to let it bother me, but it does. I can't deny that.

[SoleMate]

Would it be possible to tell him just the FACTS...and let him draw his own conclusions? As in, casually mention, "I saw Judy the other day, in a parking lot over by the train tracks. I waved and shouted her name, but I guess she didn't hear me. Is that her dance partner she was with? It looked like they were practicing some tango moves."

 

The fact is, unless you personally witnessed an act that is completely unambiguous, there is always a possible explanation. It may be less than 1% chance, but as Jenny says, it's so easy to draw the wrong conclusion. Your friend may be unsuspicious of his wife as a deliberate policy, or he may even know or suspect about what is going on.

 

However, you have convinced me that your motives are pure, so I won't say don't do it on that account. I'll just ask if you're so close to this guy that you would be willing to risk losing his friendship to pass on your suspicions. If the answer is yes, then you're a true friend, so go ahead.

[NotaBadGuy]

Solemate,

 

Well, to be honest, the dynamics of the situation are sort of simple, yet complex. He has meet the other guy through an intentional conversation set up by her. She set the situation up so that the two of them could meet and so she could say to him that the other guy was harmless - my opinion though. But the two have met. It is further complicated by where everyone is located - geographically. Close, yet far enough away to never cross paths. Except that I am geographically close to the offending site. If that makes sense at all.

 

As for the unambiguous witnessing of an act, it is not unambiguous in my mind given the context of the act(s). Could it be construed as ambiguous? That is to be determined. I would like to think not, but you never know.

 

Thank you for seeing that my motives are pure. I do believe the right thing to do is to tell him, even considering I may ultimately lose a friend in the end. It is not an easy decision though. Thanks for the insight. Everyone has given me some things to think about I initially had not or some I needed to think about more. Thank you all.

[NotaBadGuy]

Just wondering, what are opinions on how do you pass along the information to the friend? I don't believe the anonymous letter is a good idea here. Any other ideas?

[UCFKevin]

Here's what I would do.

 

Sit him down. Tell him you have some news that's going to be shocking and very painful to hear. Then tell him what you know.

 

This is your friend. He's being screwed with. He doesn't deserve it.

 

I would expect and HOPE my friends would tell me if my girlfriend or wife was cheating on me. That's just me.

 

Just be there for him afterwards. If he gets mad at you, he's just displacing his anger. It'll pass.

 

Do it. I say do it. He deserves to know. It sucks a HUGE amount of ass that you're in this position, but you gotta do what you feel is right. Personally, I feel what is right is to tell the truth to him. I wouldn't tell her you know. That could be bad.

 

And to whoever said, "What would you say if he found out you knew and asked, 'Why didn't you tell me?'" OUCH. Very well put. That's all I would really need to think about if I were in this position. That alone would make up my mind.

[NotaBadGuy]

If I am to sit him down, guess who will be right there with him. She will not let him out of her sights when he is around. So, sitting him down will be a little more difficult. I do want to say something. It is now about how to do it tactfully and when. Thanks for the insight.

[SoleMate]

Look, just tell him the FACTS. And you know what? It doesn't matter if she is right there next to him. Whatever you say, she will counter and deny. You know you'll be made to look like a troublemaker with a dirty mind, twisting some innocent fact.

 

What exactly did you see? I'm starting to think it was just a glance, whispered word, forearm squeeze, or maybe a guilty look from someone who is in a place where you don't expect them. If you didn't see them going at it, or maybe caught them at close range sneaking out of the No-Tell Motel in trenchcoats and dark glasses at 2 am, I don't really think you have a leg to stand on. Especially if you don't have photos or license numbers. All you have is your imagination and interpretation. And I'm just starting to wonder if perhaps your imagination is a bit overactive on topics that are not really yours to brood about.

 

I think it's OK to tell him that you saw his wife in a trenchcoat in the parking lot of the No-Tell Motel at 2 am on February 8, and that there was a man with her. Let him draw his own conclusions. But don't be surprised if he believes the hokey story his wife will come up with. And don't bother providing additional evidence in the adultery case you're presenting to the husband. And don't jump into their discussion and tell your friend he's an idiot for believing her.

 

So...what is this powerful evidence you have?

[jenny]

Notabadguy,

 

i do trust your motivations now, but i add my voice to the request for specific forensics. what proof could you have that is beyond a reasonable doubt? these kind of statements keep begging the question for me. there must be a way you can frame the details that protects your identity. use woman A, etc, if need be?

[NotaBadGuy]

Solemate and Jenny,

 

Since it seems that my motives or intientions are being called to question, I will answer your questions concerning what evidence/forensics I do have. As the question has been asked, what is this proof beyond a reasonable doubt?

 

Here goes -->

Yes, I do have several pictures ("Especially if you don't have photos or license numbers.") taken by myself of various incidents(without being too specific). In addition, I have visually witnessed with my own eyes the two parties together when the wife had indicated to the husband and local mutual friends that she will not be in the area. I have witnessed her at the other man's home on several occasions. On these occasions she was supposed to be in another location. What I do have is concrete, hard, tangible evidence. This is no he said, she said, hearsay.

 

Now please don't think I am jumping to conclusions on this one. I have been around this woman on amny occasions and know the difference between fertive glances and cold hearted cruelty. I would not even waste anyone's time or enrgy if it was merely a situation where it involved mere glances, whispers, forearm squeezes, or a guilty look. I hope my energy in even asking for advice on this subject at least silences those thoughts. Never would I compromise myself or my friends trust in our friendship to speak to him with such weak evidence.

 

As for my imagination being overactive, I wish that were the case. It would make the decision here a lot easier. I don't like the prospect of things any more than anyone has expressed on this post or in other posts of similar nature. I am not out to ruin or destroy a close friends marriage. I would never go to the lengths that I have if I were not totally and completely positively sure of what was going on here. Maybe the topic is not mine to brood about, but it has nothing to do with my imagination. I have many other endeavors to expend my time and imagination on outside of my friends wife's infidelity. Please understand that. I totally understand the concern, but it is misplaced in this instance.

 

If this is not specific enough or does not answer your inquiries into my imagination, please let me know. I ill try to frame the details in a more precise way if this does not cover what you are initially looking for. I appreciate the inquiries and the advice. I would question someone in the same position as myself. I totally understand and appreciate the saying "don't believe anything you hear and only half of what you see." Thanks again.

[Samson]

Interesting thread....

 

Jen,

i blush to think of it now.

 

Perhaps most interesting is that there's anything you've said that would make you blush now, or at any other time.

[Fedup&givingup]

I agree with the other posters that say to tell your friend.

 

I'm convinced that you have sufficient enough incriminating evidence. This woman sounds like a master manipulator, and she knows how to play her husband like a violin. More likely than not, this man that she's fooling around with now is far from the first.

 

I have been cheated on, and I know I have...my husband has not and will not admit it...that's going to be another thread (beware, it's going to be a long one!). I attempted to reach out to two of his associates to inquire about my husband's activities, feeling that they would know since he used them as his alibi on certain occasions. Neither person would respond to me, and after reading all the correspondence your original post has gained, I see why they didn't acknowledge me. They knew what I was going to ask them most likely.

 

Here's what. The person betrayed is the victim. I would hope that if someone knew about something like that they would tell me.

 

Your friend is being played, and if he ever found about it on his own, turned to you and you tell him that you knew about it all along...I would think he felt you to be just as untrustworthy as his wife.

 

I do however, agree with SoleMate...do it with discretion, and just tell your friend what you have seen. The most effective attorney's win their cases by pointing out the facts and letting the judge/jury figure it out on their own.

 

I don't think you are the villain in this case. I think you are the hero, she's the villain, and your friend is the victim.

[NotaBadGuy]

Fedup,

 

Thanks for the response. It is a tough decision no matter how one goes about it. I do agree with your assessment in that I would totally lose the trust of one of my friends if they did not tell me something they most certainly knew about. I have what I need to pass the required threshhold with him. Where he takes it from there is up to him. She has, in my opinion, made her rounds. This is the only one I am positive about. There are, however, others that I would bet on. I look forward to reading your thread, no matter the length - maybe I can give you some helpful insight and vice versa.

 

I don't see myself as a hero. I see myself making the decisions I would hope would be made on my own behalf. I too have been cheated on (actually several times). It is a very humilaiting experince. It attacks your self worth and self belief in who you are and what you represent. It especially takes the iwnd out of you when married. I took my vows very seriously - too bad my ex did not (but thats a whole other story).

 

He is being played and being played hard and fast. I know it will not be the easiest thing to hear, but I owe it to him as his friend.

 

And you brought up the key - discretion. I have to sit back and wait for the right moment to even attmept to let him know. Another key is to be tactful. Its interesting you bring up the attorney + facts + judge/jury= win analogy. Nothing wrong with it and it makes sense - just not expecting it. Good call though. I know I am not the villain. It is just tough to know what is on the horizon. I know what I have to do though. Again, thanks for the post. I will bee looking for yours here in the near future. Good luck. You won't need it though.