Do I risk a friendship and tell him about his wife's infidelity?

[NotaBadGuy]

Well,

 

 

Thanks for the replies. I have been on and off of here and have not really had much time to reply. The situtation is still the same as it was. I have spoken with the friend on the phone several times. He has no clue. I believe she is not moving around like a tramp as for now. I still have the proof that I had before. I am just waiting now. I will be running into him sometime here in the near future. This I know. Do I say anything then? I just don't know.

 

As for the not saying anything posts, I see the rationale behind not doing so. But I also see the need in telling him what has been going on in his perfect world. The wool is and has been totally pulled over his eyes. I hate that. I hate that he does not have any idea. I hate that it is such a tough call to make. I hate that I actually care about what is going on. I hate that I feel as if he deserves to know. I hate that I may lose a friend if I say anything. I just hate the whole situation. I don't want to be the bad guy.

 

If I do send a anonymous note, everyone involved will know I had something to do with it. That is the reality fo the situation. I have not mentioned the reprecussions much, but I potentially will put myself in a situation where I could face difficult times myself. She will know that I had something to do with an anonymous note even if I send it from South America.

 

As for the discussion about cheaters and why people cheat, I only have my opinion. Some people lack the patience and commitment to talk to thier spouse about what is bothering them. Some get married too young and find themselves in comprimising situtions where someone outside the marriage gives them the attention and reinforcement that is no longer in the home. Some think their spouse is no longer in tune with their needs and simply fall out of love. Some cannot weather the series of storms associated with any sort of committed relatioship and seek paradise elsewhere. Some think that marriage is a fairytale and when they realize it takes work, they bail out. Some seek instant gratification while the other spouse may seek delayed gratification.

 

I do believe there are some serial cheaters. BUt mostly, I believe there are individuals who are so unhappy in thier current situations, they seek to have their needs fulfilled elsewhere instead of getting out of the marriage/relationship.

 

Love does not tolerate cheating. Cheating is a deceptive and dishonorable act no matter what context you look at it. To use the excuse of not wanting to hurt the other person is a cop out. Unconditional love knows no boundaries. If someone uncondictionally loves someone, they should never even think about stepping out on that person. Uncondictionally loving someone means to love with flaws, idiosyncrasies, and negatives. Unconditional love also means to be honest, trusting, caring, attentive, forgiving, understanding, compasionate, humbling, respectful, and so on and so forth. Unconditional love also means to get out of a relationship before an act of cheating ever takes place. In the end, cheating is never justifiable. If things are that bad, get out. Noone deserves the pain and hurt associated with passing through the gates of lying and deciet.

 

And these are my opinions. Feel free to disect them, disregard them, or destroy them. Cheating is never right no matter what the reason. Every person on here could come up with a different reason why someone cheats. In the end, it does not matter why. It is WRONG no matter what the reason.

[Fedup&givingup]

EXCELLENT post....wow

[NotaBadGuy]

Please tell me what was so great about that post. I was mostly frustration about this situation and my own. I value your insight, so I know it is positive. I guess I am just too blind to see it. Thank you once again.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by NotaBadGuy

Love does not tolerate cheating. Cheating is a deceptive and dishonorable act no matter what context you look at it.

[...various continuances of dramatic rant on love...] If things are that bad, get out. Noone deserves the pain and hurt associated with passing through the gates of lying and deciet.

 

What business of yours is it to assess and arbitrate the love of other people? At this point, I'm not trying to change your mind, I'm just curious as to how you reconcile being the love-crusader in your head.

[jenny]

the thing of it is, you are going to do whatever it is you need and want to do. just get it over with.

 

i know your motivations are pure, but your authority never will be. you are not a small god.

 

i hope ratting out will give you some peace. your posts are really about no one but you, but i wish you well.

[NotaBadGuy]

Love crusader? What are you implying here? I stated at the end of what I had written that I was merely expressing my opinion. And my opinion still continues to be what you read above. It does not matter what the reason for cheating, it is wrong no matter what the reason. Maybe you do not believe in the rationale, but that is still my personal belief.

 

As for arbitrating the love of other people in my head question. Really, it is a simple answer. Would you tolerate the same? I know you profess in many other posts that you will never be in such a predicament. But what if somehow, someway, you are? You will sit back and tell me that love tolerates a cheating spouse when married. I understand you have never been married. I understand you have your feelings on relationships and marriage.

 

I do not want or am even attemptng to displace your energies there. All I am saying is that I have my personal opinion of what love is and expressed it. I have been married and been cheated on myself. Does that make me an expert on the subject? No, by no means. But what it does say is that I know what it is like to be the one being cheated on. It also says that I have my own opinion on what love is in such a committed relationship. Whether you want to state that I am arbitrating the love of other people becomes your opinion. Others can as easily as yourself take what I have written and either ignore it, apply portions of it, or agree. So now, how is it your place to assess and disect what I have written in the manner you have presented? It was and still continues to be my opinion, not the gospel - thats what I meant.

[NotaBadGuy]

Not a small god? What in the heck are you talking about here? I understand you know where my position is, but what good does it do in saying I am implicating I am some sort of god? I am a God fearing man if that is what you are implying. If you do not agree with my reasoning, that is fine. And for my authority, are you now the expert I have never claimed to be? I know I am no expert. That is why I originally posted this subject. Maybe my "ratting" out does help me in times of frustration. That is something I though was welcome on this forum. And I guess you have really read to see that all I think about is myself.

 

If that is what you think, then I am sorry and apologize. That is a far cry from the original intentions I had or have. I am very far from that. I am not as self absorbed as you make me sound. I am going outside myself trying to help someone I consider dear to me. Now whether you agree with the manner in which I choose to approach this individual situation is your choice. But please do not make it sound like I am posting for noone but myself or to sound like some pagan god. That is so far from the truth.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by NotaBadGuy

Love crusader? What are you implying here?

That in your righteous pursuit of standing up for the sanctity of love, you're neglecting to realize that these are actual people, and while you may see yourself as {ehem} a small god, the person you're "saving" will have to clean up the mess you're exposing.

I stated at the end of what I had written that I was merely expressing my opinion.

An opinion that would be gentle and innocent, if it didn't have any bearing on anyone else but yourself--but your opinion is enabling you to mess with the lvies of others, which is why, even though righteous in nature, it's dangerous in practice.

 

As for arbitrating the love of other people in my head question. Really, it is a simple answer. Would you tolerate the same?

Again, it's not going to happen. But for the sake of your hypothetical, as I stated in post 1, I would NEVER want to know. But as for infidelity, your "simple answer" is far from apt. It's not a matter of 'would you tolerate the same?' it's, 'would you tolerate the same if somehow you've twisted your tolerance threshold to encompass relationships of which you have no investment in and reconciling your tolerance with the need to protect the idea of love?'-->this time my answer is yes--Yes I'd tolerate imperfections and even ugliness in relationships that I'm not invested in--especially if I have NO idea how the wronged would behave, act, feel as a result of my twisted benevolence.

[amerikajin]

Notabadguy,

 

Even though I disagree with your decision to intervene, I have never doubted your sincerity in trying to protect your friend. I think that your intentions are good and your spirit is noble.

 

I think what some of us are trying to point out is that while this may seem like a black and white issue of right and wrong, it isn't necessarily so cut and dry.

[jenny]

that was a little esoteric and annoying of me, sorry. i just meant that you are taking a lot of power into your own hands. i do understand that your intentions are good, but this action will serve fundamentally to alleviate your burden of knowledge and your pain. that is the only result you can be sure of.

[SoleMate]

Another thought for you, NotABadGuy:

 

If the husband asks why you have taken the trouble to assemble a file full of photographic and other evidence against his wife, what will you say? Have you been deliberately stalking this lady with a camera, trying to get the goods on her, so you can assist in the punishment of a cheating woman, as a method of payback for the cheating your own woman did? Is your own hurt and betrayal in fact front and center in your mind as you calculate how to make your friend's wife feel the heat?

 

That's what bothers me most. Not only are you contemplating messing in another marriage, but you're doing it for your OWN reasons, to heal your OWN hurt. Otherwise, you surely would not be so obsessed.

 

You now, cheaters mess up marriages. They get between husband and wife, and that's a bad thing.

 

Freelance marital investigators also mess up marriages. And feel self-righteous while they do so.

 

Flame away, all.

[NotaBadGuy]

Dyermaker,

 

I do realize that the ultimate comsequences of saying anything at all do affect actual people here. How could I not? And by no means do I see myself as a pagan love god of some sort. That is not the case at all. The mess may get bigger over time if there is no exposure now, but I do understand that exposure does leave both parties a lot of things to figure out. Yes, I could go on and these little marital games move into a state of perpetuity. What is accomplished by that? I have no concern here for my well being for I will not have to reap the ultimate consequences of the exposure. I know there is a differing opinion among us what the right thing to do here is, but please do not try to make me out to be a person who only sees situations such as this as a personal vendetta. Like I am some vigilante or something like that.

 

I fully know and understand I am traveling into the lives of others here. That is part of what makes this such a tough call for me. I value the institution of marriage and what privacy means under such a relationship. But in expressing my opinion I am in no way advocating that everyone believe that my opinion is the law of the land or that it should even be followed. That is the beauty of our great nation. We all can freely express and hold our own opinions without the fear of recourse.

 

As for your twist on my question of whether you would tolerate a cheater, you totally have gone outside the scope of what I was saying. I am not a crusader for love. I am trying to protect my friend. Lets get that straight. I, as a general practice, stay far away from the inside aspects and workings of friends marital affairs. It is not my place to be involved there. And here, I never placed myself in the middle of the marital relatioship. As mentioned before, I was in the right place at the right time. I know what I saw. I know that there is something very wrong with what I saw. And that is what the original post pertains to. Not a single one of us are perfect. We all have imperfections and idiosyncrasies. But there are some wrongs that do deserve recourse in my OPINION. And this happens to be one of them. Sorry if you do not agree.

[NotaBadGuy]

Thank you for at least stating that you understand where I am coming from, although you do not agree with my decision to intervene. Point well taken.

 

Believe me, I know and understand this is not a right and wrong issue. I would have made a decision long ago and bypassed even asking on the subject if I beleived it were that easy. I battle with it constantly. I know it involves many dynamics I could not fully be aware of. If I have given the impression that I believe this to be a cut and dry issue, I apologize. I never meant to give that impression and my thoughts are the furthest thing away from such a rationale.

[NotaBadGuy]

Thank you for clarifying your post. I was sort of taken back by your initial reply. I did not know what I did to deserve some of the comments. I appreciate where you are coming from and again thank you for replying. I mean no harm, I am just trying to understand differing persectives myself. I am sorry if I come across as arrogant or all knowing. I am the furthest thing from it.

[Fedup&givingup]

Notabadguy,

 

I see exactly where you are coming from. If you didn't give a hoot about your friendship being jeopardized in the first place, you would not have come to this forum seeking advice, and you probably would have already spilled the beans to your friend.

 

The general consensus here tells you butt out, but you know where I stand on the matter. I think you should tell your friend, because if you don't, you are just as much a part of the deception going on. I think you know that yourself. Obviously, the whole thing has been disturbing to you.

 

In addition, I do NOT feel or think that you are considering doing this because it happened to you. That's BS. If that were the case, you would just be suspecting this of his wife, whereas as you put it happened to be at the right place at the right time and pretty much caught her. The fact that you've been through this yourself, I think, is the reason why you want to inform your unsuspecting friend because you feel he has the right to know.

 

All the people that wouldn't want to know if their significant other/spouse was being unfaithful seem content to live a lie. Either that or the pain would be too much of a burden on them.

 

I think you are smart enough to know that telling your friend about this might drive him away from you. That's what is making this whole thing controversial for you. I guess what you need to waiger is if the risk of possibly losing your friendship out weighs enlightening your friend that he is living a lie.

 

I respect your considerations in the matter, and I understand where you are coming from. I sense what type of person you are, too for what it's worth.

[NotaBadGuy]

Dear Lord, I have become the centerpiece of my asking for help on this tough decision to make. I understand your concerns with my own agenda and my own retribution and revenge. This is not about that. Yes, I have been hurt by the betrayal I have experienced. Anyone who is not in such a situation is someone I am not. But by no means had I taken what has happened to me and placed in my hands a torch of righteosness and justice to punish who I believe is a wrongdoer. And I am nor have I been stalking his wife. That is ludicrous to even imply. I can say that I do not care how his wife feels, I am concerned about his well being. But my OWN energies are better wasted on other things. This is not about me. I'm sorry you feel that it is.

 

I am not a free lance marital investigator. I am not involved to be the voice of self righteousness. I am in it as a FRIEND. There is a difference. Maybe my concept of a friend is misconstrued. Please correct me if I am wrong.

 

Sorry you have such a negative view of my rational for why I am involved in the first place. It was never my intention, but I guess that is your view. Thanks for replying though. I do appreciate it.

[NotaBadGuy]

I appreciate your kind words. I am not on here to make enemies. I am here for advice. I do not have some hidden agenda as some believe. I thank you for the positive feedback.

 

I knew you understood my position and where I was coming from. That means a lot to me. And thank you for mentioning about what type of person I am, I was beggining to wonder if I was coming from way out of left field and was some bad person for even having trouble with this. It is a tough call with potentially losing this friend. But I will face the consequences when the time comes. Again, thank you.

[Fritz]

Originally posted by Fedup&givingup

 

All the people that wouldn't want to know if their significant other/spouse was being unfaithful seem content to live a lie. Either that or the pain would be too much of a burden on them.

 

 

Ignorance is bliss I suppose.

 

 

Its a crappy situation and I don't envy you Notabadguy. If it was me, I'd tell my friend. You may lose the friendship but thats life. Truly standing up for a friend is a good thing.

[Fedup&givingup]

Originally posted by NotaBadGuy

I appreciate your kind words. I am not on here to make enemies. I am here for advice. I do not have some hidden agenda as some believe. I thank you for the positive feedback.

 

I knew you understood my position and where I was coming from. That means a lot to me. And thank you for mentioning about what type of person I am, I was beggining to wonder if I was coming from way out of left field and was some bad person for even having trouble with this. It is a tough call with potentially losing this friend. But I will face the consequences when the time comes. Again, thank you.

 

The name of your thread is, "Do I risk a Friendship and tell a friend about his wife's infidelity?" You aren't plotting something evil against your friend just because it happened to you!