How can I get past him cheating?

[Angel]

My fiance and I are very close. After about a month of spending time together and being together consistantly we knew that we were meant for each other. We became engaged three weeks later and we became pregnant accidentally after four weeks of being together. But, we were both overjoyed about everything in the relationship.

 

Everything was perfect between us (and still pretty much is) but there is one thing that I cannot let go of. When I was 6 months pregnant, he had sex with a family friend (his cousins ex-girlfriend, who is still close with everyone in the family). This happened in our house while I was at work. I came home and had no clue at first that nothing was wrong... both of them acted completely normal it seemed when I walked in, a few minutes after this had taken place. A few hours later, when we were in bed, he told me what had happened. I didnt believe him at first and thought that he was joking until he broke down and cried. He told me what happened, as far as he could recall. He said that it was more like a dream than anything, and that he was out of touch with reality, it seemed, at the time. And didn't remember much of what happened.

 

He told me that he did not want any of it to happen and that he doesn't know how he allowed it to happen (and it will never happen again). He said that she controlled the entire situation. But when I questioned her about it, she said that he initiated it and it was something that he wanted and "they knew would happen together eventually" (??) So, I do not know who to believe.

 

I forgave him immediately. He is aware of what he did and how it has forever jepordized our relationship. And we know that we have to get through it for the sake of our hapiness and for our impending family. But it is extremely hard for me to trust him. I read his email, fret when he is gone from home, and generally am insecure about our relationship. I don't want him or I to go to any of his family functions, because I know that "she" will be there.

 

The main thing is that I dont know how to deal with all my insecurities about myself and our relationship now. I know that we will stay together and get through it, but I dont know when or how. And I dont know if I can believe what he told me (that he didnt initiate the situation). Whenever we have sex, I am also reminded of his infidelity, it seems.

 

It has been three months and the pain is still fresh in my heart, but I keep it bottled up because I know that it upsets him alot to see me upset because of what he did. He suggested that we see a counselor, but we dont have enough money as it is. And I can't talk to any friends because I know that they would unfortunately all be biased, not understand, and tell me to leave him (even though my family and friends all love and think very highly of him).

 

I know that this is alot of information and I presented alot of ideas that are running through my head, but I would really appreciate it if anyone could just give me a little insight on our situation. It would help alot.

 

Thank You..! *hug*

[Tony T]

It happens more often that you think. The wife is pregnant, the husband strays. The only thing sort of different is that he cheated with a family "friend." Friend, yeah...right.

 

Well, my vote is to forgive. I will tell you that every man everywhere in the world since the beginning of time, whether he was drugged up or had a gun to his head, has been completely aware when he has had sex. This may have been a fantasy of his and the opportunity presented itself. He is not going to fess up to all the details so forget about pressing him. Just let him know you know he's full of crap and move on from there.

 

Basically, you've got to understand that when the earth was created, it was stocked with falible human beings that do really stupid things sometimes. I don't know whether this was an oversight on the creator's part or that humans were the only things He had left after making the rest of the universe. Anyway, humans do crazy stupid things sometimes that they are very sorry for later.

 

If you sense that your man is truly sorry for what he did, you need to let it go, never bring it up again, and get on with your lives. Don't drive yourself crazy listening to his phone messages, going through his wallet, reading his mail, etc. If he ever strays again, you will intuitively know it. Not only was he stupid enough to do be disloyal but he was even more stupid to come right out and tell you. Let's give him an A for honesty and an F for intelligence. If he ever does it again, chances are he will tell you. That's when you pull your attorney's phone number from your purse.

 

What he did was not only stupid, but cruel, mean, inhumane, demeaning, disrespectul, inconsiderate, and downright crappy considering your pregnancy. I hope he is treating you like gold right now.

 

For your own sake, for the sake of your mental health, you have got to let this thing go. It will be hard. But, like I said, we humans were all the creator had left to put on the planet Earth after making everything else...and humans just do stupid things sometimes. But I have a weird feeling that the dinosaurs, that lived here millions of years before us, probably cheated on their spouses now and then as well.

 

This will pass and in time become a faint memory if he can behave himself from here on out.

 

Life is really a bxtch sometimes.

[Cher]

Contrary to what this post says, I don't think he was stupid for admitting what he did! YOu probably would have felt ten times more pain if you had found out by some other means, or if he had told you later. Most men are such cowards that they revert to lying. YOu have to give him credit for being so brave and open, to tell you about it while it was still fresh. I think there is a deeper lesson in this for the two of you, and if you can get past this part of it you will become even closer. IN my experience and observations, often a "test wound" of this sort occurs between couple and it either brings them closer and more bonded, or it ruptures the relationship. I think you two are on the postive path here.

 

Good work!

It happens more often that you think. The wife is pregnant, the husband strays. The only thing sort of different is that he cheated with a family "friend." Friend, yeah...right.

 

Well, my vote is to forgive. I will tell you that every man everywhere in the world since the beginning of time, whether he was drugged up or had a gun to his head, has been completely aware when he has had sex. This may have been a fantasy of his and the opportunity presented itself. He is not going to fess up to all the details so forget about pressing him. Just let him know you know he's full of crap and move on from there. Basically, you've got to understand that when the earth was created, it was stocked with falible human beings that do really stupid things sometimes. I don't know whether this was an oversight on the creator's part or that humans were the only things He had left after making the rest of the universe. Anyway, humans do crazy stupid things sometimes that they are very sorry for later. If you sense that your man is truly sorry for what he did, you need to let it go, never bring it up again, and get on with your lives. Don't drive yourself crazy listening to his phone messages, going through his wallet, reading his mail, etc. If he ever strays again, you will intuitively know it. Not only was he stupid enough to do be disloyal but he was even more stupid to come right out and tell you. Let's give him an A for honesty and an F for intelligence. If he ever does it again, chances are he will tell you. That's when you pull your attorney's phone number from your purse. What he did was not only stupid, but cruel, mean, inhumane, demeaning, disrespectul, inconsiderate, and downright crappy considering your pregnancy. I hope he is treating you like gold right now.

 

For your own sake, for the sake of your mental health, you have got to let this thing go. It will be hard. But, like I said, we humans were all the creator had left to put on the planet Earth after making everything else...and humans just do stupid things sometimes. But I have a weird feeling that the dinosaurs, that lived here millions of years before us, probably cheated on their spouses now and then as well. This will pass and in time become a faint memory if he can behave himself from here on out.

 

Life is really a bxtch sometimes.

[Rogue]

First you have to accept a few facts.The first is what Cher mentioned,that HE told you about the indiscretion.He respected you enough to be honest.He will most probably never betray you again,at least we hope so.

 

The second fact is that it's normal for you to suspicious of him from now on.I'd think there would be something wrong with if you weren't more paranoid about infidelity.Even if he hadn't cheated on you,you'd still be worried about an affair because all married couples worry about that.They just don't say it,but it is something they are afraid of. As a matter of fact,he might even be worried about YOU having one,just to get even with him! Sounds irrational and stupid,but that's what fear turns us into.

 

The third fact is that you have no way of stopping an affair even if you suspected it.You can't bolt your man down to the chair and leave him there til you get home from work. Snoop all you want,but in the end you have to trust him! And he has to trust you!

 

Last fact is that being under constant suspicion hurts! Nobody can go through life always being doubted.Not you, not me or your man.

 

Why didn't you leave him when he told you about his cheating? Because you loved him still.Because you still saw goodness in him,and still respect him.Do you want an excuse to leave him? You had it,but chose to stay. The reasons you fell in love with him are still there so why let bad feelings destroy you?

 

Every time you start to feel angry, jealous ,or suspicous just tell yourself you are normal to have those feelings but they are useless.Separate yourself from them if you can.Tell yourself that feelings aren't the same as facts. Instead try to remember the good things about your relationship.

[A wise middle aged woman]

Sweetie, you can't expect much from a relationship that went from "How do you do to a pregnancy."

 

Sad, for you and the baby but this has finished before it started.

 

End it.

[Deejette]

You are being too kind to him. I wouldn't swallow his memory loss and the fact that he blamed it on her. He sounds too easily led-around by his hormones. The fact that he told you was good, but I would make him promise that it will never happen again, or the consequences will be that you end the relationship.

Sweetie, you can't expect much from a relationship that went from "How do you do to a pregnancy."

 

Sad, for you and the baby but this has finished before it started. End it.