Devastated

[BellaBellaBella]

I am so sorry to hear that your going through this. It really is hurtful the way he handled it. Also to wait right before the long weekend is difficult to.

 

Hugs,

 

Bella

[PSG]

This is so hard. I just still can't believe he cared so little about my feelings. What a slap in the face. I have always been friends with my ex's (there haven't been many at all) and I feel like after 15 years I should have him still in my life at least as a friend. How do you spend that long with someone and then POOF they are gone. Guess it doesn't matter much for now. He hasn't contacted me and I haven't contacted him and I don't plan too so....

[skydiveaddict]

NO! do NOT have him as a friend right now, if ever. When time passes and you are over him then you should make that decision.

[fabio10]

Im glad you told your family I know it aint easy but you are not alone, you have your family, your friends, and all of us on here ! DONT CONTACT HIM !I know you guessing why he hasnt contacted you but trust me he is doing you a favour it will only set you back, dont think what is going through his head this is all about YOU now your feelings , your life , your future ! FU*K HIM

[BellaBellaBella]

Stay no contact! He stopped being your friend when he found the visiting woman. Unless you had an agreement which was open.

[mickleb]

Regarding the POOF factor, it could be an indicator that he is a Commitment Phobe, btw. It might be worth reading up on this and seeing if anything else fits. They don't just do a runner before the wedding day or when you're putting the deposit down on your first home. Something can trigger the fear and even they can find it difficult to put their finger on it.

 

Most partners of CP's don't have a clue until the POOF moment. However, after the fact, and once they've had half a second to calm down there are, usually, a few traces of evidence that are remembered, from which one can form the case.

 

Try reading something by Steohen Sokol - it could help you to rationalise what has just happened.

 

x

[PSG]

Yes...he is most definitely a commitment phobe. However - I just have this bad bad feeling that he is going to do something crazy and marry this new lady. I don't know why but it makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it (yes..I am trying not too).

 

So....it has been 9 days with NC. She is no longer in town so I am a bit curious as too what will happen now (if anything). I am not looking to talk to him or respond to a call/email I guess I just want an "I am sorry I am an ass" or some acknowledgement of what he did. I don't know how long to stay in NC and then break it b/c I want my stuff from his house. I am thinking I'll just keep doing NC and put it all off until I feel stronger.

 

I still can't believe he did this. I have told all friends and family now so this is making it more final.

 

Has anyone on here actually been with someone who has cheated and then fully been able to trust again??

[BellaBellaBella]

Maybe, he doesn't know if he can call you. I don't know. I know people have recovered their relationships. I do think you should get your stuff, if you mean it to be truly over. I think with her coming into his home, you might not want her using your things.

 

I think NC is good. When you have had problems in the past, how did he act? Did he cheat before? Who contacted who? There are lots of questions, to be answered. It seems like a long term relationship you would need some answers before deciding where to go with it.

[PSG]

Yes he cheated before (I know shoot me for trusting him again). Then I moved out....we never had NC then b/c we were living in the same house and by the time I moved out we were back together. I still moved.

Then last year he was offered a job in another country ..he wanted me to look for one there too..and then we decided together to stay here. So all of that made me think he was committed to me and our relationship. We have never had NC before so I don't know how this will go. I think I am just going to let my stuff stay over there and see what happens down the road. See how I feel in a few weeks or few months.

 

The lady lives 100's of miles away so her using my things isn't really and issue (at least on a daily basis).

[BellaBellaBella]

PSG,

 

Do what you need to do to feel safe. If no contact makes sense to you, right now then stay that way. Me, I am more impulsive I would want some answers. However, I think your the stronger of the two of us.

 

Bella

[PSG]

BellaBellaBella - thanks for responding and giving advice! I am starting to get weak about NC. When he told me he was going to see this woman when she came into town and stay with her I told him that our relationship was over and hung up on him. He knew if he ever did something like this again that would be it. So....just am really shocked that he hasnt even sent an email to apologize or something?? Not that I want him back AT ALL it just seems so strange after 15 years. Right now I am going to do my best to stay NC - I actually did okay - but it is hard.

[Billie The Puppet]

PSG there is no reason to break NC if you know they are with someone else.

 

I got news this past Tues that my thoughts were true, that I was indeed left for another man. Breaking NC nothing would come of it, there is nothing we can say to convince them otherwise.

 

It sucks especially after the amount of time we spent with them, just don't look at it as time wasted but time well spent. The time wasted begins the moment the break with us because we are wasting it thinking why, how come, will they come back etc. That's when we are wasting time as I type this I am in a saddened state of mind for all those who have lost the "one". I wish people where open to communication the moment they feel the flame being burnt out instead of dragging on until they meet someone else and then make us hurt.

[PSG]

I know you are right Billie - NC is the way to go. I guess I was hoping for some type of apology or something. I don't know. I don't want him back and I don't even really want to talk to him. Guess I was hoping for an "I'm sorry" email. Probably too much to expect with someone who is so self-centered. Sigh.

Hope you are doing okay......is it making it easier to move on now that you know you ex has someone else???

[Billie The Puppet]

It makes NC easier, but the emotional hurt is intensified.

 

Especially since she volunteered telling me there is no one else, no one else etc. Telling me not to worry etc why tell me this crap. She lied and that hurts what hurts more is I still miss the "us" from the beginning to just before we were having problems. She is so self centered and her family sees it, she is not easy to get a long with once this shows through but I toughed it up. She was pushing me for an engagement within months of being together and will do the same with the new guy, I love you's being said and they are only a few weeks new and I wouldn't be surprised if he bites it. I have nothing against the new guy at all, My ex made herself appear available while with me she was getting attention and loved it so she split.

 

Moving on is tough for me, I hate change and thats a change, also I am an introvert making it hard for me to meet people. I sometimes feel socially awkward.

[PSG]

Yes..I hate change too. Am trying to make new friends. Just joined a walking group and feel good about that. I just really want an apology. Does he even know how much he has hurt me??? No clue what is going on in his head. Like I said..no chance of getting back with him.I have already bought tickets to head out and visit family and friends for Thanksgiving and Christmas so he is on his own there. I guess I just want some explanation...

[BellaBellaBella]

I understand you want an explanation. I would want the same. It seems like your not going to get one unless you do the contact.

 

I think you need to figure out, if you want closure to be the relationship is over and slamming the phone down or if you want to stay no contact.

 

If you stay no contact, that may mean less pain with no explanation. What is the longest you have been out of contact with him?

 

Has he disappeared like this before?

[PSG]

No...he has never disappeared like this. Even during our troubles before we would talk and such. I was hanging in there but just got really sad last night and couldn't stop crying. I am now wondering what else he has lied to me about over the years. Although, that is probably not the kind of closure I need and would just break my heart all over again. I am going to try to stay with the NC....with the idea that eventually we should talk things out. I just feel so sad and miss the good times but am trying to remember the bad ones!!!

[BellaBellaBella]

Feeling for you PSG! Keeping going, it's sad and he is a pig for doing this.

 

However, for him to be so disrespectful of you isn't acceptable.

[PSG]

So I got an email from him yesterday. No apology but asking if I want no contact, minimal contact or some kind of friendship and that he didn't want me to just disappear. Also telling me that I have some mail and a package at the house. I responded with a short email saying that he had really blindsided me with the the other woman and that I was hurt and angry and deserved better. Told him I may eventually want to talk but that I haven't really processed through everything yet. Also asked him to leave the mail in a bag by the front door and I'll come pick it up while he is out of town this weekend. I'll worry about the rest of my things later. Anyway...he email just throw me for a loop so I spent all day yesterday in tears. Managed to hide it at work but last night was tough. This is just so sad to me and I feel so used.

[LoveAintEverything]

That is pretty sick...15 years and he just randomly calls you and says hes spending a weekend with the other girl...I know how much it hurts, but damn girl you deserve wayyyy better than that!

[curiousnycgirl]

I agree and I'm stumped, I cannot fathom how he can think that is acceptable behavior that you should be expected to easily accept. Every time I read your story my heart just breaks for you! So what can we do to help you?!

 

Tell us more about PSG - how old are you? When how did you meet your ex? 15 years is an awfully long time - unless you met when you guys were 6 there must have been reasons why you two never married.

 

At this point you must be glad for that! Hey I'm glad for you!

[PSG]

I am 45 and he is 20 years older. We met when we lived in another state. He moved to MA for his job and I came and moved in with him about 2 years after he moved. I wanted to finish my PhD first. So we dated....then did the long distance thing...then lived together for 10 years - not sure why we never go married at that point. Had problems 3 years ago (yes...he cheated) and so I moved out. Then we reconciled and things had been great. I told him at that point I wouldn't ever live with him w/out marriage. And, in all honesty, I liked having my own place. He lives about a mile away so we sort of had the best of both worlds...our own space yet could see each other whenever we wanted.

[curiousnycgirl]

Got it - I'm 45 too, but only wasted 6 years on my ex. So we are in the same boat. How are you doing today?

 

I am actually feeling stronger in my resolve that it's over than I have in years. What can I do to help you?

[Idalis]

sorry about what you're going through PSG. You are being very strong! I think you are making a very smart decision with NC. I hope today is a better day for ya...

[sammyd]

PSG you're amazing:) Keep your chin up! You've soo done the right thing, and i wish to be as strong as you!

TC Sam