Just Don't Wanna be a Wicked Stepmom

[Cariel]

My SO's long and nasty divorce (it's been going on 20 months since he moved out, we've been together for a year) is finally FINAL. He's now very, very anxious for us to marry or at least to live together.

 

Now, don't get me wrong. I adore this man and at 47 I'm old enough to know exactly how I feel, LOL! I do want to marry him...just not yet. Why? I have no desire to be a "Wicked Stepmother"!

 

His daughter (only child) was not-quite 16 when we began dating, and although he'd already been out of the house nearly 8 months she immediately determined that I was the Evil Slut Who Broke Up Her Parents' Marriage. It was pure hell, let me tell you. After about 6 months he (and her mother) convinced her I'd had nothing to do with it and she's been very pleasant since that. However, Daddy having a gf is not at all like Daddy having a new wife!

 

I've told him repeatedly that once she's off to college I'll be more than happy to wed, but until then I'll stay in my own house. I can deal with whatever comes on weekends, vacations, etc., but I've raised one teenager and that was enough. She will graduate HS in May 2005 and he isn't happy with that kind of timeline, tho he's rather grudgingly agreed to wait.

 

Am I being unreasonable? No matter the age of the parties, I think a new marriage is difficult enough without having to deal with resentful kids if one has a choice...particularly mercurial teens.

 

Would appreciate your thoughts on the matter. Thanks!

[moimeme]

Have you given any thought to getting family counselling?

[brashgal]

Cariel - do you really think she'll be around you that much? During my son's senior year he was rarely home between school, work and activities - not a lot of time for rebellion let alone talking. And he had only one home at the time. Does she spend equal time in both parents' homes or does your husband have primary custody?

 

Now that she is no longer convinced you split them up, is she any friendlier?

 

Are there other reasons you don't want to move in with/marry your bf? I agree that a year isn't an extraordinary amount of time but delaying marriage/moving in for another 15 months seems rather long.

[Cariel]

Moimeme, I don't see it as an issue that needs family counseling at this time. My concern is that co-habitation or marriage just now might turn it into one.

 

Brashgal, there really aren't any other reasons! I raised my son (now 22 - his dad just wasn't that interested) alone from the time he was 3, and managed to inherit my infirm mother and dad when he was 12, so not only did I have the usual teenage idiocies to deal with...I got a daily earful about it from the previous generation. In other words...I am selfishly NOT wanting any more aggravation, LOL!

 

His daughter has had a rough time of it over the last 20 months (tho she's been admirably self-controlled most of the time) and I just think that for the moment it's best to let the dust settle. Her mom is one of the most sulky, depressive human beings it's ever been my displeasure to meet and she took a lot of her anger out on the girl (I do admire her artistic ability and BOY can she knit!). Mom seems more stable these days, and since daughter is pretty much splitting her time between households I figure it might be best if I just lay low.

 

She and her dad have always had a very close relationship and my gut tells me she probably needs him now more than ever - I don't want to get in the middle of that at this point. Again, I'd just end up being the Wicked Stepmom if I jump now...whereas if I wait there's a chance things will run more smoothly.

[brashgal]

I understand where you are coming from, I try to keep aggravation to a minimum as well. Maybe rather than taking too hard a stand you wait and see how it goes - if you are able to spend any time with the daughter your relationship dynamics may change. It would probably benefit her to see that not all women are depressed and angry like her mom. You could show her that without living with her though and she might have more of her father's attention if you weren't there.

 

It could come as a delightful surprise if you decide to move in earlier.

[Benedict]

at 47 I'm old enough to know exactly how I feel

 

my gut tells me she probably needs him now more than ever

 

My concern is that co-habitation or marriage just now might turn it into one [a family counseling issue].

 

Three very insightful observations, here.

 

Cariel, I think you are right on.

 

I think that most people have a difficult time setting boundaries for themselves. You, however, seem to know pretty well where yours lie. I would stay true to that, if I were you - even if it could be interpreted as "selfish". You know what you want.

 

The second issue is the 16 year old young lady. While she indeed sounds like a lady, she is still 16. It is heartening to me to hear somebody thinking of their new SO's child like that. I think you are 100% correct about her needing dad right now, more than ever. I also think you are correct in stating that your marrying and moving in would upset a new and fragile balance that they need. I only wish dad saw it as clearly.

[HiDDeN PiGLeT]

have you spoken to him about the situation? have you tried talking to her and spending some one on one time with this girl? time for work then class. hope everything works out for you. best of luck.

[JenniferMK]

He just got divorced and you're having problems with his daughter and whatnot - why would you even consider getting married - the ink on the divorce decree isn't even dry.

 

Let things cool - the stepdaughter will be mad for a long time but will eventually cool if you are nice to her. Just let things settle - no need to hurry up and get married.