Once abusive husband now changed but I don't want to give him another chance.

[Jane Woe]

Help. I've been married for 8 1/2 years. We have 2 wonderful children. The problems started in the beginning of our marriage. My husband was very violent. He hurt me and left me scarred. He deserves credit for stopping. He stopped beating me after my second pregnancy. He also stopped treating me with respect. We never did anything together. We didn't talk. Occassionally we had fun and enjoyed each other, but I haven't felt close to him in years.

 

I started talking to friends about my marriage. I finally went to a lawyer. Once I told my husband I wanted a divorce I was worried that he would be violent and angry. Instead, he's been sad, sweet, sorry. He tells me how sorry he is and how much I mean to him. He's been writing me poems and sending me flowers. He truly seems as though he loves me and that he doesn't want me to leave.

 

Here's a little problem. I fell in love with someone. I haven't and won't cheat on my husband. Actually, the relationship with the other man is over. But the fact that I felt love, passion and longing for someone else has really confused me more. I feel as though I crossed a line.

 

I told my husband about my feelings for this other man. My husband says its his fault for ignoring me. He said I was lonely and the fact that I didn't cheat gives us a chance to fix our marriage.

 

I feel so much guilt for not wanting that chance. I just want out. I hate how much I'm hurting him. He's my best friend. But he was an awful husband. He's trying so hard right now to show me he can change.

 

Any advice? I feel as though my heart has been pulled into so many directions. I'm so hurt and confused. A divorce makes sense. Hurting my husband and my children seems so selfish on my part. Help.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by Jane Woe

He deserves credit for stopping. He stopped beating me after my second pregnancy.

Congrats, he's a jolly good fellow.

Any advice? I feel as though my heart has been pulled into so many directions. I'm so hurt and confused. A divorce makes sense. Hurting my husband and my children seems so selfish on my part. Help.

 

Whether or not he loves you is none of my business, and impossible to determine. Don't blame yourself that you don't trust yourself to invest emotionally in him anymore. He crossed a line, that for most, can never be un-crossed.

 

Whether or not he deserves it is irrelevant, since you don't want to work on the marriage. It either fails now or later, unless you want to have another go at it--try not to regret the choice that you make.

[FreeMe]

Originally posted by Jane Woe

He stopped beating me after my second pregnancy. He also stopped treating me with respect.

 

 

He stopped beating you and at the same time stopped treating you with respect? So are you saying that when he was beating you he was showing you respect? If this started in the beginning of your marriage then he never showed you respect. You need counseling desperately.

[Arabess]

Let's say he has 'changed'....some people do.

 

It still hasn't 'changed' your memories though. He violated your trust in him. Therefore, if he's lost your love, he has no one to blame but himself. All the flowers and poems in the world won't take away the fact of what he has done to you.

 

If you DO leave....will his 'change' be intact....or do you think the previous version of him may return? If that is a possibility, you may want to check with a local woman's shelter for counselling and help before making any statements about leaving him.

 

I live in a military area where spousal abuse runs rampant. These things can REALLY turn out ugly.

 

Protect yourself and your children.

[Jane Woe]

In reply to my replies, of course my husband wasn't treating me with repect when he was violent. I just meant that after he stopped hitting me he became emotionally abusive. Everything I said was stupid, everything I wanted to do was boring.... The kids and I were always alone. I had very little self esteem (of course). It's taken me a long time to build up what I have now.

 

I was positive I wanted the divorce in January. That's when I went to a lawyer. I'm almost postive I want it now. I guess I feel guilt because of how nice he's been acting. He tells me he won't change back to what he was. I know I've heard women say the same thing, and I too thought, yeah- sure. I don't really believe him now.

 

It's hard when its your life. I just wondered if anyone else has felt the same way and how they handled their situation.

 

I worry about my kids. They're crazy about him. If I divorce I'm moving to a different state - our home state. I want to be by my family. That means leaving him alone without a lot of support.

 

I'm just feeling a lot of guilt.

Thanks for your replies.

[Arabess]

Everything I said was stupid, everything I wanted to do was boring.... The kids and I were always alone. I had very little self esteem (of course). It's taken me a long time to build up what I have now.

 

And REMEMBER THAT! Don't you dare feel guilty!! When a guy beats up on his wife or makes her feel 'less than'....she owes him NOTHING! To make it worse, you have children witnessing this and taking adult cues from it. It's a vicious cycle.

 

As a Mom...it is YOUR place to say and show to your children that this behavior is NOT ACCEPTABLE!

 

Sure kids think their Dad is Mr Wonderful. It's in their hearts to do so. In the end though.....is what they love and accept in him...healthy to carry on to THEIR families???????

 

Again, the only person who can break this cycle is YOU. Forget HIS hurty feelings and concentrate on your kids.

 

All those guys always become 'sensitive' once you've decided to leave them. Where the hell was their sensitivity when they thought they had you over a barrell??????? They have none. Nor do they have remorse. They just feel terribly sorry for themselves when no one is submitting to their assinine power game anymore.

[LikkleMissConfused]

Hello Jane,

 

I would like you to know that I have been in a very similar situation to yours and am in someway still there. Like yourself I had a 5 year relationship with a man who treated me with little respect frightening me, throwing punches at me, swearing at me. I was used to being called a bitch, slag, dog, hore etc etc. This led me to put three stones of weight on, lost my self-esteem, was on anti depressants because of his abuse and because my dad passed away. I was living a nightmare as a completely different person and all my family saw this and tried to get me away from this horrible problem filled soul. Since leaving him I have lost the weight, falling in love with someone new that is adorable, kind, and sweet and I am confident, looking sexy and feeling great about my self and most of all I have learnt the hard way of who to be nice and kind to and who to stick two fingers up at. Yes in a way I have become a bitch but for the better.

 

One thing we do share is our kind hearts. Even after beating you, and after my Ex battered me we still felt sorry that we couldn't trust them and give it another go. My Ex still try's to contact me and see if there is another chance at first I was like you. I felt so guilty that he is willing then why couldn’t I, but the fact is you can't trust him with your heart, you can't trust him emotionally and if you can't trust him like that then do you trust him with the children I know I wouldn't. They both sound emotionally unstable and as though they have deep rooted problems themselves. That was one reason why I left my Ex because if he can't have a normal relationship with me then how is he going to father our children. Luckily we didn't have any.

 

You must feel bad and sorry that you can't make it work, but it’s not your fault. It’s like eating something bad you wouldn't eat it again. I made that mistake over five years. He might have changed, but I personally don't believe abusers change. Because they are the way they are because of some very traumatic events that may have taken place in their lives. I only recently found out that my Ex had been in prison, been fostered and in care. Disowned by family etc etc. No wonder he was the way he was. On the other hand I was brought up in a family environment with sisters, brothers, mum and dad, taught how to give love and be caring. I was too caring and too nice to my Ex.

 

Your husband may have changed or he may be using manipulative tactics to keep you, which is normal behaviour for abusers. And please don't feel sorry for him. You have found new love, and that person loves you for the way you are doesn't have to belittle you to love you. It is very hard because we as women I believe have a natural instinct to care for someone who needs our help but sometimes you have to help your self and walk away. Otherwise you will lose yourself and you will be of no use to your children. They may adore him but when they get older and come to discover what he had done to you they will also lose a lot of respect for him…Another side of the story is to love someone you have to respect them so much and you don’t. How can you respect someone who treats you like ****! You can’t. He is being nice to you but if you were to express to him that you are leaving and don’t want him eventually you will see him return to his normal behaviour. Yes you are right it is so hard when it happens in your life, my family tried so hard to get me away from this soul destroying person, but I had to do it on my own and you know something. I really don’t give a **** about him. I’m not angry or hurt anymore I’m upset with myself that I let it go on so long and after my dad passed away and he abused my father’s memories I realised that he has no values and isn’t the type of man I want. It sounds as though you have realised all of this but you are letting go because no matter how bad they have been you and I truly loved these men. Let go of him and don’t worry about him being on his own, that’s his problem. Please move on from him another chance could mean the end of you and don’t let that happen. I was sounding like you a year ago. If you would like to send me private messages please do so god I really feel for you. Don’t feel guilty for opening your eyes and wanting more for yourself and your children. It’s sometimes too late to be nice, but the niceness never lasts.

[FreeMe]

Originally posted by Arabess

[When a guy beats up on his wife or makes her feel 'less than'....she owes him NOTHING! To make it worse, you have children witnessing this and taking adult cues from it. It's a vicious cycle.

As a Mom...it is YOUR place to say and show to your children that this behavior is NOT ACCEPTABLE!

All those guys always become 'sensitive' once you've decided to leave them. Where the hell was their sensitivity when they thought they had you over a barrell??????? They have none. Nor do they have remorse. They just feel terribly sorry for themselves when no one is submitting to their assinine power game anymore.

 

Arabess is exactly right on every point. All abusive guys suddenly become sweet and wonderful when they're going to lose the person they belittle and abuse to bolster their own self-esteem.

 

Jane - Thanks for clarifying what you mean. I didn't mean to sound insensitive. I have been through it before with boyfriends. I know it's much more difficult to break away when you're married and have children, but your children will grow up having more problems resulting from living with someone who emotionally abuses their mom than they will if you leave him.

[one2ndchance]

Hi Jane,

I was an emotionally abusive husband who through my own depression and worries about money, took it all on my my wife who left me and moved out of State after she aborted our daughter. This woman loved me dearly, and gave me everything she had to give. I never had the opporunity to get a second chance and have lost her for good with our impending divorce coming up. Her parents are dead set against any reconciliation because of their beliefs that people cannot change. I have changed as a man by facing into my own issues and pain and trying to be real about what I want and who I am. I have been working the marriage busters program and learning about her emotional needs and mine and how I can as a man help fill her needs for affection, conversation, financial security etc. I know I am rare as a man, partly because I am spiritual and believe in the power of love, God and transformational change. Every day thousands of abusive drinkers stop drink and never drink again, same for drug users, same for abusers. I'm not saying your ex can do the work and change his life but it is possible. Under no circumstances should a woman need to fear for her well-being EVER!. If you see any authentic signs that your ex is doing the heavy-lifting and hard work of making himself a better man, therapy, counseling, men's groups like "Promise Keepers", and he's NOT being manipulative, then consider patience. I believe that the true blessings in life come to us when things are NOT going easy, but when our lives are difficult. This also applies to relationships. I wish you all the love and peace this life has to offer. warmest regards from my heart,

one2ndchance

[Jane Woe]

I just want to thank everyone for their comments and wisdom. My husband and I went to our first counseling session today. He was very honest during the session, but he's acting very cold and distant here at home.

 

During this session, the counselor asked me if I was willing to be dedicated to fixing my marriage. Work through our problems - be positive. I panicked. I said, "No!" then I quickly changed it to, "I don't know. I'm here today. I just don't know if I can commit to this." My husband looked so sad and the counselor looked a bit surprised. I was very calm until then. I felt as though I was choking and couldn't get enough air. Total panic.

 

I honestly think he has changed. He still has a temper and needs to get it under control. He screams and yells and swears - in front of our kids. He hasn't hit me in a few years. I don't think he would at this point, but the problem is that he did and every time I look in the mirror I see a scar across my nose. I remember getting kicked in the stomach when I was pregnant and I hate myself for not having the confidence back then to leave him. It's more about me at this stage. My heart has hardened. I care for him deeply, and I admire him for changing as much as he has. BUT...

 

He hasn't made our marriage easy since he stopped hitting me though. He belittles me and cuts me to my soul. He threatened to hit me last August. I told him I'd leave him if he did and he said, "You'll never leave me. You always stay." That's when I started to change. That's when I started wondering if I could make it without him. I realized he was right - but I was going to change that.

 

I've just recently gained some confidence. I got a full time teaching job. I've lost weight. (I'm back to what I weighed before kids- took 5 years to get there.) I've made friends. I try like crazy to be a good mom. I'm afraid of losing all of this if I stay.

 

What hurts is everyone thinks I should try to save this marriage. My husband is a very very handsome man. He's charming too. He makes a high salary. We have a big house. It looks so good to an outsider. I just see things differently. I'm willing to give everything away (except my kids) for one shot at being whole.

 

Thanks for "listening".

Jane

[one2ndchance]

Hi Jane,

I'm an emotional abuser myself and could not even begin to feel your pain and fear from being hit and kicked by your husband. Under no circumstances should you need to be pressured into staying in a marriage where you fear for your safety. Please check out the website <URL removed> for TONS of info that will help you with your situation re: physical & emotional abuse.

[starofgaladriel]

I was married for sixteen years to a man like you describe. It takes a toll on your mind but what made me stop and finally act was the way my pre-teen age kids were acting. My eldest daughter was becoming a disrespectful screamer and her sister just withdrew.

 

Over the years he was Jeckle and Hyde but the angry side of him ruled more days than not. If he wanted to do something it didn't matter what I thought. He had no respect for my ideas, thoughts, feelings or anything else. He would come in the door slamming the door. He knocked me around at times. He was emotionally abusive almost every day. I would go to bed at night and he would push me on the floor out of the bed. I spent years, in total, on the sofa at night. One day when I was bringing new friends over he picked up every electronic device in the living room and smashed them into the floor. He held a shotgun to my pregnant abdomen during my second pregnancy.

 

Looking back I realise that somehow I had bought into his crap saying "I am the only man who will ever love you" and I am so thankful to be away from him. Things are far from perfect in my life now and I can only tell you what I have experienced but, if you really want to be with him, stay in counselling for a while and see if it helps and insist on anger management therapy.

 

By the time my ex wanted to try counselling (he had checked into a psych facility) I was so depressed that I lost twenty pounds in that month and almost lost my job from sketchy attendance. But during that rotten time I also revelled in the quiet of the house and knowing he didn't have a key to get in gave me such comfort in between the waves of sadness trying to adjust. I don't kid anyone.... it was a hard time.

 

Somehow I managed to start and finish a baccalaureate degree and volunteer in girl scouts and work through all this. I was really a single mom who looked like a married mom. Life was always crazy and it made him nuttier that I was able to pull down a paycheck. I had been resisting his control and finally had to make the final step which was to rid myself of him.

 

You have to know that it becomes very easy to make the decision when you decide what is important. My ex wanted "everything" including things that were plainly mine. When I decided to focus on my kids and myself and not the STUFF, everything clicked.

 

I wish the best for you,

Sherry

[Vivid_29]

 

Jane - Your husband doesn't need a counselor --- sounds like he needs an exorcism!

 

You need to get the hell away from him and don't look back!

 

~V

[GeorgiaSongbird]

Jane..

 

I say RUN AWAY like your ass is on fire....

 

Think about what has done and will do to your kids... even if they did not see the physical abuse, they see the emotional abuse ... his yelling, screaming and generally carrying on like a maniac.. how do you think that affects them? Let me tell you (and I can say this from personal experience), it affects them in ways you don't understand and they will probably never tell you.

 

You don't say how old the children are or what sex they are.. but do you want them to learn this behavior as something that is acceptable, teaching a son it ok to treat a woman this way or a daughter that it is ok for men to abuse her and neglect her? Would you want to see your son or daughter living this way in 10 or 15 years?

 

Get out for their sake. And get out NOW. The divorce can be put on hold if you are not sure on that yet... Just get a separation and support agreement. You can always work the relationship later.. if he REALLY has changed but it does not really sound like he has. He goes to MC but then is cold/distant? Sounds to me like he wants to give you a guilt trip so he can preserve the "picture perfect" family he has and his pocketbook!!!

 

I also suggest you get yourself and the kids into therapy. The kids are going to need it.

[MaryYetGrieving]

Jane. Did he ever hurt your little ones? You said he has not touched you in a few years. I just wondered.

It seems like maybe he's turned a corner in one way. It sounds like he did some horrible things in your fights. Was it all the time? My husband and I had fights that got out of hand a few times, but it was not common. Not to say it was not very bad and hurtful.

 

The things he has been doing -- are they all new? Did he ever write you poems before? Or give you flowers? Was he ever a good man to you? If these are all new, then it might not be real. If he used to, amybe he took you for granted and stopped trying. My husband did that too. He used to do this one special thing for me every once in a while as a surprise. It was wonderful and made me feel very special, but after our boy was born it was less frequesnt and then stopped. I really missed it. Heck, I miss all the fun we had before getting pregnant. Everything was easier... Somewhere along the way we let us dry up. I'm guilty too I guess, but being a woman (girl?) I think I expect he should be doing the chasing and the romancing.

[Jane Woe]

Mary,

Yes. He use to be very romantic years ago, before he started hurting me. It stopped (the poems and flowers) before my daugther was born. (She'll be 7 soon)

 

He has never beaten our children. (5 and almost 7) but when they were 2 and 3 we went on a family vacation. The kids were wild. He wanted to visit museums. They wanted to be toddlers. He was holding my daughter who wanted down so he let her go. Literally - dropped her. He's 6 foot 2. That same weekend we were at a restaurant and my son was climbing on and off of his chair. He wasn't really loud just busy. My husband pushed him off of his chair at one point. My son fell, unable to catch himself - face first. I've never forgetten nor have I forgiven him for either event.

 

He plays with the kids. He reads to them. He talks to them. He loves them. I just don't know if what happened years ago would happen today. I'm still worried it might.

 

The kids have never seen him hit me. My daughter has heard us argue. After finding this out I refuse to argue with him when they're around - so that means I keep a lot bottled up. My daughter once told me, "You and Daddy use to yell at each other so I prayed to God for you to stop and now you have."

 

I think the kids think are happy. We sleep in separate rooms now - since late January. This doesn't seem to bother them though. My husband and I try to act very friendly towards each other when they're around.

 

I've asked my husband to move out for a little while. He has a single friend who owns a large house. I just need some space right now. I hope I'll miss him. I hope I'll want to fix this, but honestly I don't think I'll change my mind.

 

We are going to counseling. Today was our second session. My counselor asked me again if I'm willing to work this out. I told her "I don't know. I just don't think I can. I don't feel anything positive."

 

All of my co-workers thinks I should work at this. Some of my friends think I'm crazy to leave. I mentioned earlier how handsome my husband is. He makes a very good salary too. I make a very small salary so everyone is worried about me taking care of the children. Plus I want to move back to my home State and everyone thinks I'm evil for leaving him high and dry.

 

I feel a lot of guilt for not feeling like I'm in love. I don't think I'll change my mind. I wish I could - if we could have a happy, non threatening marriage - to keep the family together - but - as I mentioned in my first posting - I fell in love not long ago. Again - I didn't cheat - and the man is not around now - but I know love - and I fell hard. It felt wonderful to know I'm not quite dead yet. I thought those feelings were dead to me. It fills me with hope that one day I could feel that again. I just don't think I could in my marriage. I wish I could, but there's been a truck load of damage.

 

Thanks Again for all of your support!

J~W~

[MaryYetGrieving]

Jane,

My mom, God rest her soul, used to talk about the Heart like it was alive of itself. It takes time and special things to fall in love, and time and bad things to fall out. I did not think I loved my husband until I was in a place to see the differences. Then I realized that I did love him, but that there was all this cr*p that got in the way. Now, as time moves, and the tedium of every day passes, I realize that love for me was on a couple levels. The energetic love of romance and the electric charge of physical desire were there first and strong. But under it all was this comfort, acceptance, and ease. Thoses are the things I am missing every day now.

I don't know how you feel, but I feel all tense inside, like a tightly wound spring. I could not relax to where I could let my guard down. Now, I find that I am relaxing. Six months and some has diminished the pain and brough back the longing. I, like you, want to reconcile, but am still tightly wound.

 

The date I went on was weird. There was some attraction and intrigue at a new thing. I don't know. My boy cries a lot for his father and misses basketball in the park. There is an emptiness I cannot fill. EWvery man I meet has to measure up and most do not even come close. (The movies get this right most of the time!).

 

I will say this, the fact that you want to miss him and work it out is very positive and I envy you that desire. He sounds like he has a lot of good qualities, esp. the fathering. That is very rare in my friends' relations. Most men are sports nuts, drinkers, or jerks..., not dads.

 

I'd be interested in you advice to me on my issues...

 

Keep your chin up and don't give up.

[MaryYetGrieving]

I was talking with a friend and mentioned your postings about this other man you fell in love with. How long did you know this man? Was it a "flash in the pan" or something deep? Was it a long term relationship? My friend has a similar experience where she got very close to a guy she saw at AA meetings. She was very sad and angry and he was going through the same. She said it was almost natural to start to have some feelings for this guy. She ended it when she saw what was going on and where she was heading. She said to tell you "Girl, be careful you don't flush your life down the toilet for a flash in the pan (or pants!)".

 

Is he in your current state or your home state?

 

Family is a great thing to have around, but from my own experience I know nothing can replace my son's dad. The day-to-day is what's lacking. I can't play basketball or fish or throw a baseball. I don't know that I can find the same level. I'm sorry I getting into my own problem but I just don't know what to do...

[Jane Woe]

Mary,

 

The other man had been my friend for 13 years. I've been attracted to him from the beginning but always pushed those feelings aside because I was dating my husband when I met him. He's also my husband's friend - sounds like a mess, doesn't it?!

 

He isn't talking to me now. I'm not sure if it's because I didn't leave my husband fast enough for him or if the whole situation is wrong so he cut off our friendship. So I've had to deal with a bit of a heartbreak while I'm dealing with what to do about my marriage.

 

I'm not looking at divorce as a way to be with this other man. I won't chase after someone who doesn't want me.

 

I'm not sure I can get over what my husband has done. He made me feel completely worthless. The other man isn't an issue anymore. I haven't seen him in a month and there's no plans to get in contact with him.

 

I've got to get to work. I'll try to explain more later!

Thanks

J~W~

[jmargel]

Jane,

 

You have one life. You don't get ANY bonus points in heaven for sticking with a guy who abused you everyway possible. He continues to try to keep 'power' over you. Before his power was hitting, abuse, etc.. Now he's doing it through crocidile tears. Telling you he's sorry, etc.. He's changed? How? Has he gone to counciling, has he been involved in groups involving the stuff he did to you? His words are meaningless now. Once you are out on your own, and have NO contact with him for a number of months you'll see everything in a much clearer light.

 

It took a few months of not being with my ex-fiancee to find out how much she verbally, mentally and emotionally abused me. Sounds like you have a big heart and a good head on your shoulders. Your friends don't know what it is really like to live with someone like that. You don't owe him anything, but you do owe yourself happiness. Your guilt is because you have a big heart, nothing else. You haven't done anything wrong by having this other guy as a companion.

 

You have been honest with yourself, you don't see anything positive by staying with him. It's ok to move on, and it's ok to start a new chapter in your life. Don't stay with him for the kids. It's more important for the kids to know what true honesty, love and respect is.

[befuddled11]

I was in a very chaotic, abusive marriage 14 yrs ago. Thank God we had no kids while together. He was horrible to me, much the same way your husband has been. I would get locked outside in the middle of a cold Canadian winter, kicked in the stomach or chest, locked in rooms, he'd spit in my face, he'd destroy things I owned prior to him, he'd say cruel, degrading things that he KNEW would crush me, he would drag me down the hall by my hair, he would belittle me as a woman and wife, he would compare me to ex girlfriends in the bedroom, he would call me filthy names, he would videotape me crying after one of his "episodes" and be laughing and mocking me all the while the videocamera was on. He was sick and cruel and sadistic. He knew just which buttons to push and what things to say that would make me feel awful and inadequate.

 

He would never accept responsibility for his abuse toward me...in fact, he could be smacking me around one minute, then an hour later, sucking up to me and guilting me into having sex with him (I guess that was his way of feeling "redeemed" or that he wasn't such a bad guy..I believe his way of thinking was, "well, if she's willing to have sex with me, after what I've done, then she must have forgiven me, so I can't really be that bad of a guy." Sometimes he would just climb on and force sex on me....no matter if I was lying beneath him crying, and wishing it would just be over. At the time, I was naive I guess, I didn't realize that a husband forcing sex on you was really "rape."

 

Anyway....after a year of marriage, I had had enough. One final temper tantrum of his was the last straw.....in a nightmarish night, I managed to "get out" after a couple hours of him holding me hostage.....I drove half of the way with him sprawled across the hood of my car, him trying to "stop me" from going to the police, him trying to smash my windshield with his fist and trying to kick down my flip-up headlights so I couldn't see where i was driving on that dark country gravel road..he was desperate to stop me. I managed to make it to the police station.....and he was charged w/ assault and unlawful confinement.

 

I moved out shortly after that, when I was able to find a place to rent in that small town. That year we were "separated", he vacillated between being "sorry" and hating me for him now having a criminal record. He was mostly just a vindictive jerk for the next year.....trying to make me "pay" for apparently having ruined his life (yeah, right). Not taking ANY responsibility for his actions.

 

It wasn't until I'd gotten up the courage to leave that small town and move 19 hours away to a place I didn't know, that he decided he was sorry and wanted to work things out. He would call me up while drinking, he'd be crying and telling me how sorry he was.....even trying to throw it in my face by telling me, "I can't believe you're leaving me, you're my wife, I'm your husband."

 

He definitely "appeared" to be making a prompt effort to smarten up and get his ducks in a row...for about 4 weeks prior to my moving down to the coast. He was turning back into the nice guy I'd first met and had fallen in love with. But the logical side of me knew that it was likely more of a control/ego thing than anything. How would he look to others, the fact that his wife had had enough of him, that she moved a 1000 miles away?

 

He almost had me convinced that he would sell our home and find a job where I was moving to.....that what he needed was to start over...in a place where his cokehead/drinking buddies didn't live.....where we would have no distractions......where his hillbilly family wouldn't be able to stick their noses in.......he even went so far as to putting our home up for sale and telling his boss he was likely going to be quitting.

 

To make a long story short, after all he'd put me through, I was simply not willing to uproot myself and go off to a new place to heal and start over, only to have him follow me, with a bunch of likely "empty promises".....and then to have to live the nightmare again, only this time in a place where I knew nobody and had NO support systems. So I told him to p*ss up a rope and to leave me alone..he'd had his chance, he'd had many chances.....that it was too late.

 

Most people, even coworkers and friends didn't believe that he'd been abusive to me. They all thought he was such a good looking, funny, charming, nice guy. Yeah, right.

 

It's been many years since......I've heard he's now married again. A couple of years ago, I ran into someone who used to live in our town. She said he was still the crude, vulgar, woman-hating b*stard that he'd always been.......Some things never change.

 

You do what you feel is right in your heart. Ignore what friends say. They don't know what's gone on behind those closed doors in the past, or currently. They are very superficial and materialistic if they think you should stay with all because he's good looking, makes a very good living and you live in a huge house. They are idiots.

 

Men who abuse women need intensive therapy.......and I mean INTENSIVE. They need to learn anger and control management. They need to spend months working with someone qualified in this area, to figure out the root cause of WHY they have been abusive. This doesn't happen overnight. It doesn't occur by going to marriage counselling. There are very deep issues here and due to the fact that your counsellor seemed 'shocked' when you said you didn't think you wanted to make this work, that's an indicator to me that the counsellor doesn't have a CLUE about abuse or abusive men.

 

There is no guarantee that your husband won't resort to his old controlling, emotionally and verbally abusive ways should you decide to work things out. A lot of abusive men view their partner as a piece of property......and the thought of losing the property can prompt them to kiss major arse to keep it.........but that's the bottom line, it's not very often about "love." Many abusive men give the song and dance and flowers and poems because they are insecure little tards whose egos can't tolerate "being left."

 

I encourage you to search online, for info on Rehab for Abusive Men.....and familiarize yourself with what's really necessary, what a long and arduous process it is to rehabilitate a man who's abusive. Contact a Battered Woman's Shelter/Domestic Abuse Shelter in your area..and talk to one of the women there.....it's free and confidential. Tell them your reservations and fears and how you're feeling pressured and guilted. They have been in your shoes. They can be a great support for you. They can also tell you more about how much intensive therapy an abusive man really needs in order to be rehabilitated.

 

I hope this helps.

[BlockHead]

befuddled11

Men who abuse women need intensive therapy.......and I mean INTENSIVE.

Sometimes, there is no cure.

How do you help a person that lacks empathy and compassion, and has no conscience?

befuddled11

A lot of abusive men view their partner as a piece of property......and the thought of losing the property can prompt them to kiss major arse to keep it.........

Maybe…

There are people in this world that want to wield power on someone or something. They aren’t bothered by the loss of property as much as the loss of power.

befuddled11

Many abusive men give the song and dance and flowers and poems because they are insecure little tards whose egos can't tolerate "being left."

Call it an investment.

He sacrifices a little face, and takes a lot in return.

[mstckh]

I understand the way you feel. I was married for 10 1/2 years. The beginning of our marriage my husband hit allot. This was because he had to have control. We separated numerous times because of this. He would make promises that it will never happen again. The very last time he laid a hand on me a year went by where there was no physical abuse but the emotional abuse was still there. To be honest I preferred the physical abuse because the bruising would go away unlike the emotional abuse would scar for life. The last time he laid his hands on me I thought he was going to Kill me. (I guess that time he did kill the part of me that was in love with him) I left. I was going to file for divorce but instead was made a widow with 3 kids. I don't regret that I left I did it for the safety of my life and my children. If you don't leave your children will follow your steps. If they are girls they will find a man that will treat them the same way. If they are boys they will learn it is okay to treat women that way.

If I was you I would get out.

[MaryYetGrieving]

Jane,

I'm glad your focus is on you and your husband and not on this other guy. That means you are focused on the real issues.

 

Is part of your anguish the fact that you left your home state? Have you talked with him about going back (maybe as a condition of trying)? Family support makes a lot of difference.

 

I read some of the later replies... Opinions seem to be all over the spectrum. The interesting thing is that every one of the people responding to your plea seem to be more about telling you what to do or telling you their horror stories. My husband and I seem to be closer to your situation, in that there was some abuse in the past that ended, but that it was followed by a lot of stress, arguing and emotional anguish. We just seemed to lash out at each other all the time to where I was going crazy. I was convinced he did not love me at all. I cried many tears on my sister's shoulder over our fights.

 

Through our counciling we have learned a lot about each other and how to communicate. The man we are seeing has been very good. I decided to put a little effort into it because I have seen a real change and because he is a basically a good man and a good father. Everything about my husband is good except how he talked to me. He talks to me differently now. I laugh again and actually enjoy talking to him (except about basketball!) Do you get the sense he is genuine or manipulative?

 

The fact that you are out here looking for advice says a lot about your feelings. What he is doing says a lot about his. Actions mean far more than words, and it seems there is an effort. I come back to my son, and wonder about your children. You said he is a good father and has not hurt them (5 and 7 you said, so that seems to be a real change).

 

I wonder if the couples that fix things come to these sites to post? Maybe we are only getting the bitter people?

 

In any case, we are trying and it is working. My son is worth the effort. I know it and he knows it.

 

I have to head to New York for work, but I'll check in later...

 

M.M.

[musiclover40]

Hi,

 

I know you posted this a long time ago, but I hope that God will be and has been of help to you during your hurtful and most confusing time. I understand how you feel about a man who abused you and was truly hurtful toward you and did the most unloving things that he could and I can also understand your unwillingness to trust him again...after all...you did once and look what happened. He did everything he could to destroy any love that you had for him.

 

However, I, too, think you must still have feelings for your husband and it sounds to me that he has taken responsibility for hurting you like he did and if he hasn't gotten angry with you or hasn't been blaming you for everything, especially when you told him of your feelings for the other man, he has obviously seriously changed. Also, you show a willingness to trust him again as you told him of your feelings for the other man, you ended that relationship and you obviously known down in your heart that your husband has truly changed and you really want to stay with him, too. Fear, anger and unforgiveness are at the root of your confusion. Fear because you are in the process of working out a new relationship with your husband and you are still waiting to see if the change is real and has taken deep root in his heart. Sounds like it has, by the way. Anger because perhaps you haven't confronted him with your feelings and thoughts of "am I supposed to just say it's ok when it's not???" echo in your mind. Talk to him about deep, hurtful things. You already broached one difficult subject (the other man) so you are probably ok in talking to him about other things. Unforgiveness because he hurt you and there are still issues unresolved between you. He needs to ask for your forgiveness and you need to give it. Communicate with him. Talk with him. Go to a counselor if you're afraid and have that person be a buffer between you two. Whatever you do....don't give up! Your feelings for your husband can only grow deeper and stronger if you work through this difficult challenge together. It sounds like he's willing....go for it! Your feelings will change into something much deeper than you could have with someone else. Trust God and pray that things will only grow sweeter between you....I will, too. :0)