Am I in the wrong?

[LNN]

This is a rarther complicated situation...I thank in advance those who will read this.

I really don't know where to start but I will do my best...I just need an opinion really as I keep being told I am in the wrong even though I honestly believe I am not, maybe there is something I cannot see/understand.

 

I am currently 21 years old, and I live with my mother, my younger brother and my partner who moved in due to help us out with the financial situation my family has been going through.

My father walked out on us 7 years ago, since then my mother hasn't done anything to help us get out of the situation, she was an alcoholic for 6 years and used the child support money to buy herself alcohol and we barely managed. My brother and I were severely underweight.

I dropped out of school, due to just getting into a depression, i was bullied at school and then I just came home to this nightmare and I thought if I got rid of one thing it would help...not. At 18 I started working and became the one who brings the money in for this family, I pay for all the bills and expenses that come our way. Unfortunately I didn't earn enough and wasn't paid on time at my job so I didn't have enough to move out and mostly I didn't want to abandon my brother and let him go through what I did, I want him to stay in school. My partner saw that I was struggling and offered to help me pay some of the expenses, which was very kind of him, I didn't like the idea at all but he insisted and I saw his good intention. My mother still doesn't do anything, she lives off me and partly my boyfriend and shows no gratitude, she sits all day watching TV, doesn't cook or clean or do absolutely anything...she doesn't even look for a job to help her son or let me move on. To top it off, she is absolutely horrible to me, she tells lies about me to all the neighbours saying what a horrible person I am, she never tells them I am the one helping her out, she tells her side of the family all kinds of things, my grandfather before he died said "to me my granddaughter is dead" I really don't even want to think what she said about me... I asked my father for help (I gained contact with him again a few years after) and he just tells me "the child must always take care of the parent no matter what, you have no excuse and no reason to complain, your mother took care of you when you were young". While this is not entirely true...still, is he right? It's ridiculous to compare her taking care of me when I was younger...I didn't ask to be rbought into this world and I was a minor...I couldn't get a job or support myself at all, this woman is 52, so she can? Anybody I seek help for, they tell me I am in the wrong and that I must always stand by my abusive mother (she is, verbally and psysically, she has hit me a few times) Once she called the police when she was on her perscribed drugs (she no longer drinks or takes ant of these drugs but acts just as bad) because she had an overdose to start drama and I took them away from her and I took her money away because she wasn't feeding my brother or myself. The police sided with her and she wanted them to arrest me. How can I be in the wrong? Every single person I seek, tells me that I have no right to complain as she is my mother and I must love and appriciate her no matter what... well shouldn't she do the same with me? not to mention most of the people I seek help from or just somebody to TALK to have already been approached by her and her lies. Right now I am trying to finish school to better myself and get out of here, none of my parents support this, they want me to stick with a low paying job and to pay for their expenses...I don't know why? I am saving up as much as I can with my partner to get out of here, but I just don't want my younger brother to be alone with her...everything is against me right now or so it seems, is there anything I can do?

[tinktronik]

You're not in the wrong. I have a couple of questions for you. What country do you live in? I wonder if this is a cultural view issue.

 

My advice would be for you and your partner to move out, continue your schooling, and try to stay close by so that your brother can have an outlet when he needs one.

[quankanne]

you are not responsible for your mother, and your dad was WAY wrong to shift that burden on you, especially if there's abuse involved.

 

check with your local women's shelter, see what kind of advice they can give, or even Child Protection Services. You might be too old, but then again, they might be able to give direction ... and help you figure out how to address the situation with your younger brother. Do you have any relatives that will let him live with them until he finishes school?

 

loving your parents doesn't mean you must endure their abuse ... and it's not bad or horrible or wrong to walk away from a toxic situation if it means saving your sanity or your health.

[LNN]

Thank you for the replies.

 

As to where I live, I live on Canary Islands, Spain.

I have gone to social services and women's help centre a few years ago...this is another ridiculous story, the lady they gave me an appointment with, put 2 pretty little stones in my hand and said "these stones will give you strength, it will help you allong your journey" and did nothing more, I hope this woman is no longer working there. I will once more try seeking help from them I suppose and see what they offer to me.

As to any relatives, I have none. They all believe I am a horrible person, due to the lies my mother has said (also my father has done the same on his side). They do not like my brother either, they are against his sexual orientation. I am the only one who supports him with this.

I really do not want my brother to end up like me, giving all his money away to my parents like I am doing right now and not being able to get away...I just try to ignore it whenever they act this way, especially my mother, but it's just years and years of horrible treatment I cannot really get over. I have ended up not being able to trust anybody at all.

I just don't know what to do to get my parents to see what they are doing or to understand what they're doing... I really want them to understand. I worry as to when my mother is actually a very old woman, that I will have to be the one to keep on caring for her...

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I think the read on the situation you describe is that you are (being forced to) PARENT your parents. That is what makes the whole picture wrong, and what assures that you are the innocent, and deserving one.

 

Your mother IS an alcoholic. (Nobody is "an alcoholic for 6 years")

 

 

I agree that in some cultures (moreso than others) offspring are expected to take care of their parents. I do not believe this applies to 21yo offspring who are barely able to make ends meet and parents who are well prior to retirement age.

 

Logically, you shouldn't be made to live this way (because you are having to 'parent' your parent). IF by chance there is a cultural factor to which I am not privy then that would be something to consider in addition.

 

Good luck.