twice shy, third time.....loosing my mind

[jayded]

I'll try to keep this somewhat brief as it is a long story.

 

Married, 10 years, 3 kids. He cheated and we broke up, got back together for 1.5 years and he left again fantasizing about a better life. He left the country and we stayed apart for a year. After alot of talking we decided to give it another go. I left my high paying job, left everything, packed up the kids and moved here. I am Canadian and now living in the US. I am not able to work here.

Anyway, after being here for a month and a half an email came from the girl he cheated on me with, he carried on about how they were just friends and he needed a friend while we were separated. Next came a pregnant picture of her and then a baby picture!!!! He swears it isn't his. I have caught him lying once about calling her in the mean time. Well, her emails come on Xmas and Valentines Day etc and I blew my top about it.

So what happens next, i discover he has opened up a hotmail account, I get into it and discover an email from her with nothing but a picture of this baby. I have counted out the days and if she was overdue a week it could possibly be his.

I don't know if he figured out I was in the hotmail account or not but when he came back into town and I checked his laptop it showed that he installed an encryption program that allows files to be hidden and emails to be sent without a record showing on the computer (it basically partitions the hard drive and hides that part) After much poking around on the computer I think it might be porn but I am not sure.

I have not questioned the program or said anything about the email because for some reason I have this need to have proof to throw in his face, or to confirm beyond a doubt that my suspicions are true.

Please tell me what you think of this situation. I can't keep myself from showing my anger and it's pretty hostile around here. He just went to bed, in the kids room and I'm sitting here trying to figure out my life.....

 

thank you so much, i am feeling so scared and alone right now, I have nobody here to talk to.

jayded

[Darkangelism]

There is no way to prove it, but why did you let him back?

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by jayded

Please tell me what you think of this situation.

 

First of all, porn is the least of your worries.

 

When a man cheats, he immediately has a responsibility to forgoe certain privacies he enjoyed before. While in a normal relationship, if a wife is reading his e-mail, that's INEXCUSABLE and a violation of his privacy, afterwards, it should be expected.

 

Chances are, he's being dishonest. Chances are, he's a father.

[WWDDFD]

Maybe I'm strange, but I believe that when a man and a woman are married, there should be no secrets.

 

 

That whole "encrypted partition" thing scares me.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by WWDDFD

Maybe I'm strange, but I believe that when a man and a woman are married, there should be no secrets.

You're not strange. Plenty of people believe this.

 

Secrets are a bad word for expecting privacy. It's got a stigma attached to it, it implies that what's under the secret is damaging, where privacy implies that you have enough trust in your partner to mind your own business.

 

I believe privacy is sacrificed upon it's abuse (infidelity), not upon nuptials.

[saintfrancis]

I'm no computer expert, but I'm not sure how he could know that you were in his hotmail account, unless he was also spying on you? Chances are, his secretive behavior (partitioned hard drive, etc.) was there all along. It sounds as though he is hiding an awful lot from you.

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this. *hugs*

[jayded]

I know that the partitioned hard drive was not there before because I can see when the program to do so was installed. As for the hotmail account, I panicked and deleted the email and picture so that is why I wonder if he knows I was in there, maybe he was expecting it? I know when the account was set up and it was only days before this email came. I asked him if he had contact with her recently and his reply was no. Obviously that is not true.

Why did I let him back? I worked in an industry that required long hours, 6 days per week. I lived an hour away from the office but was required to travel frequently. Because I had no family in the area I had to hire a nanny to care for the kids while I was away and at work. As time passed I never saw my kids. they didn't have a mom or a dad. He told me he would pay for me to go to school ( my dream ) and he has, he also promised equality in the household chores (which has not happened). In the end my decision was for me and the kids, I couldn't go on letting them be raised by the nanny, she was wonderful but it wasn't right that I was gone so much. Deep down I really wanted to believe that over that year he had gotten it together and was sincere.

Now I just don't know what to do. The tension is pretty thick around here. I want to confront him but I want some hard proof in my hands so there is no denying anything. Last night he actually dumped the dinner I made in the garbage and went out to eat while the kids and I ate what I had cooked. He yelled at me that I don't discipline the kids and was just rude in general. After that I was mad and refused to talk to him and he kept trying to make jokes and get me to come sit with him etc. Still this morning he is acting like nothing has gone on at all, that I am being unreasonable and just a b****.

I am currently as far south in the USA as you can get and I have to go back to the far north of Canada to start all over again. I want my kids to have a dad and I want to be there for them. Right now I can do that for them but at what cost? Don't get me wrong, they are worth it but I am afraid that I will loose myself completely in the mean time.

I agree with Dyermaker that you loose your right to privacy after messing around. I think that you have to prove you deserve trust and do that by being upfront and open, answering questions and having no secrets. Get this though, I feel bad leaving him here all alone. I couldn't live without my kids and I don't know how he could either. Why do you think I feel bad for him after all that he has done?

Thank you so much for your replies and honesty. I appreciate it more than you'll ever know.....

[sami]

Don't kill yourself over going through his stuff. That will only add to your suffering and pains and anger. You have enough to carry right now. Don't overload your system. There is no trust left. Either he will take responsiblity for his actions, starts all over again or you both sit down like responsible adults and talk it out for the best of yourselves and your kids. Keep us informed and wish you good luck. God bless you and your kids.

[jayded]

Thank you for that. Yes, I am obsessing about finding out the truth for myself. I think I should be a private detective, I have learned many tricks that I am not especially proud of but for some reason I keep at it.

I have not been sleeping and I can feel it.

thanks so much for your support. I will have to sit down and talk with him soon, I know that. So many people told me not to do this, not to come here but I think I just needed to find out if we could work it out.

I appreciate your posts back to me, thanks. I find it helpful to come here and write it out. Makes you kind of feel like an idiot though because if I read someone else writing this I'd tell them he was a big looser and to run as fast as she could.

Any suggestions on how to get through the next couple months if he denies it all and refuses to be honest? He tends to twist it and always says that I am paranoid.

[sami]

What you have had now in your hands is more than enough. You can't kill yourself trying to do the impossible. If your guy is in denial there is no way to work things out with him. Both of you have to come to reasonable terms. You need him to admit his mistakes or proove you wrong or paranoid as he is claiming. You may both need professional help for your marriage to either continue or cease. It depends on your mutual understanding of the problem and the way you handle it and work out. You alone cannot solve it.

[jayded]

All hell broke loose a couple of hours ago. Right during my midterm of all times (I am an online student).....

 

I confronted him with everything I knew and at first he denied it until he realized that I really did know.....he still maintains that they are just friends and that it is not his baby. He claims to understand how I feel about it and that he will have no further contact with her. What really gets me is that he kept lying as I confronted him. Eventually he admitted to those things but after a while clammed up and didn't say anything further. He says that the enryption software was for porn which is what I suspected after digging around in his computer. He claims to be willing to prove to me that I can trust him and that his priority is his family but talk is cheap.

 

How does someone prove they are trustworthy after such a long history like this, can people really change?

 

I am considering putting a key logger on his computer and making up a fake email address for her and emailing him to see if he replies. I know, this isn't a very nice or good thing to do but what do you think? I also considered pleading with her to fess up anything but I doubt that will work. I have never spoke to her before and doubt she would have any consideration for my situation since she slept with him knowing about me anyway.

 

What I would give to be sitting at my grandma's table right now getting a hug from her.

[sami]

It seems like you had a good start. Just continue talking to each other with respect and sensitivity. Be considerate to his feelings if you want to get positive results for your own sake and the children's. Also try to look into the reasons that caused him to do what he did if you are correct. Good luck.

[saintfrancis]

jayded,

 

I wish I had more time for a longer reply, but I have to be brief. I can't read your mind but I imagine you feel badly for leaving him here (if you go back to Canada) because you are letting him brainwash you into believing that his behavior is all your fault.

 

Why do I say this? Well, five years ago I dated someone who cheated on me, both "in person" and online, subscribed to a swingers' web site (he thought I didn't know but he had the balls to do it from my computer), and a dozen other sh*tty, disgusting things that I won't even go into. When I found out, I kicked him out. Period. So far so good? No. My BIG mistake was letting him back into my life after that. Let me repeat that: MY BIG MISTAKE WAS LETTING BACK INTO MY LIFE AFTER THAT.

 

He would get ANGRY at ME for being angry over what HE DID!!! He would never acknowledge that what he did was cheating, and he had the f***ing BALLS tell me it was MY fault because "I didn't try and understand him enough" or some similar lame excuse.

 

People like this have no conscience and will lie, lie, lie until you believe their lies, because they have some pathological need to deflect ANY sort of responsibility for the things they do.

 

In case my opinion wasn't clear .... I would get the hell out if I were you. Stooping to his level and spying on him will only add another dimension of infection to an already sick relationship. And really, what do you need to have proof for? You know. He has already admitted you were right about some things. Please, I KNOW what I'm saying because I've been there. I beg you to kick this M*therf*cker out of your life. I was so proud of myself that I did it the first time. I should NEVER have let my ex back into my life afterward, but I did because that's just where I was at emotionally at the time. Thankfully, I had the courage to kick him to the curb for GOOD 6 months later.

 

I'm telling you, to this day, I thank God or Fate or whatever was watching over me that I didn't end up married to that loser. I shudder to think of the miserable existence I would have had with someone like that.

 

Maybe I'm being way too hard, and if so I apologize, but my experience made a mark on me that will never completely go away. In a way, though, I'm glad it did because I will never go near anyone like that again. I needed to learn my lesson the hard way. I have to go now. Hugs to you.

[Arabess]

I was reading the other posts....then ran into my friend SaintFrancis' post...which SAID IT ALL!

 

I'm going to avoid talking about the relationship you have with this AssClown....the other posters pretty much said what I was thinking. We have GREAT posters on LS!

 

If you are AS FAR SOUTH as you can get in the USA, you are in an area where non-USA citizens live and recieve government assistance. You are NOT at the mercy of this guy. You make an appointment with Family Services and go in to talk to someone. Tell them you need a work visa, food stamps, health care and cash pay. (The cash pay will put you in the FREE...We'll Find You A Job program!)

 

If you choose to KEEP your current job, they will fund child care for you. They will provide legal aide. They will get you child support and alimony during your adjustment period. You DO NOT have to be a US citizen.

 

If you want to PM me with your state and city, I'll connect you up with your local Family Services.

 

Once he realizes you have other options....he can either straighten up....or pay the piper.

 

Hang in there Sweetie......

Arabess

[Velveteel]

If your husband really wanted you to return to him, chances are he loves you and your children, and wants a family with you. However, it's very likely he still has some feelings for this other woman. You may have to live with that for another year or two if this man and this marriage are important to you. But the two of you need to be discussing his feelings (and yours!) openly. You probably need professional help. And you need to feel secure that he's not in contact with this woman, unless she is seeking child support from him. Then everything should be above board. Contact through attorneys, with you in the rooms, etc.

 

He does need to write to her and explain that he's committed to making his marriage work, and he can never see or be in contact with her again.

 

Cheaters are not necessarily disgusting and completely unworthy people. Humans form emotional and romantic attachments, whether we act on them or not, and then have enormous difficulty breaking away. If your husband wants to be with you, and is willing to work with you to resolve this, I wouldn't leave. I'd try again. And absolutely, you should have complete access to his computer and phone records! This will help convince him he shouldn't backslide.

 

Good luck!

[jayded]

Thanks for all your helpful replies.

 

Really, I think I am at a point where I have to decide if I can ever trust him. Since our discussion I know he is trying to smooth things over but his was of doing that is by pretending nothing ever happened. The trouble is that I have been here too many times and I know that eventually he'll just be mad that I am not "over it". There is no way he would ever go to counselling because you see I have the problem not him (according to him)

I am sure that right now he is sincere but within a few months I am fairly sure there will be something similar go on. After going through all the emails and recalculating the dates I am confident that he is not the father of this baby. It really doesn't change much for me though, it's the lying and deceit that has gone on for so many years that I can't tolerate anymore.

He is well aware that I am prepared to leave but in many ways I don't think he has confident that I would actually go. Time will tell, basically I have 6 months until the kids would start a new school year at home and I will use that time to do some soul searching and figure out what is the best thing to do.