Heated "first" date, ends with friendship?

[CoCoTower]

I really need to know from an experienced female what the hell happened here.

 

The girl: 28, divorced, b.f.

the hangout: Karaoke bar, many weekends over 10 month period

me: single, divorced, attracted to the girl

 

This girl has been super nice to me for a long time and has flirted with me a lot, in most cases while her b.f. was up singing or playing pool. I have mostly pretended I wasn't interested, but in a cool way that was my own way of flirting back. I also kinda know the guy and his friend is also my old best friend, so there's a small circle of friends involved here.

 

Anyway, she asks for my phone # on Valentines day while her b.f. was up singing!! I gave it to her, and much to my surprise, she remembered it , and called me the following Wednesday, and the days to follow would be full of phone calls from her. She said she was breaking up for good with her b.f. this time, etc. which I was skeptical about for obvious reasons, that I've heard this before.

 

After days of calls and a first encounter in real life that went okay, she actually called Sunday night and asked me out on a date. Dudes, if you're reading this... she's hot. And she's the girl you knew you'de never get, but she comes around anyway. Know what I mean? The hottie in the bar that every guy's hitting on.

 

The date started with a movie to "50 First Dates" to which she said was her 2nd time to see. ?? Oh boy. Ok, so it went good, and I held her hand about 2/3rds of the way through the movie, and I could feel her heart pounding through the pulse in her fingers. TOTAL TURN ON for me. Oh yea, she's nervous and is waiting for the first kiss (which I would deliver outside later, tee hee). Oh, that was a 30-second head-spinning kiss that I had to back off from, but was soft was marshmallows, didn't want to be aggressive about it. Lay the smooth kiss on her, and she how she responds.

 

To make a long story short, the date lasted from 9:30pm to 5:30am, and it got very heated... very heated, but no full contact where contact counts. Nipple action, and body part contact was made and a serious amount of kissing was performed during this long date. But before all that, we did a lot of talking and driving around in the light rain. It's Sunday, there's nothing else to do.

 

We parked. Yes, I would have had sex if I could have peeled those tight blue jeans off her waist, which she lightly kept me from doing, as she continued to tease me on, talk dirty, and perform all sorts of body actions that are so close to sex, but not quite.

 

All this time, we were at the lakeside parking, it was raining, and the windows were fogged up. The parking date... I had no problem with it, but I knew it would probably ruin things, but then she was the one who suggested the lake, so I was all for it.

 

This would be the biggest tease date in my history, and probably the hottest action besides real sex that I've had on a date in a long time. The last case of that, I married the girl.

 

Anyway, she told me that we should wait 2 months before having sex and that she wasn't that easy, etc. I went along with her and out of respect, shut down my goal to go all the way, but kept on with the light stuff as she did, too. At times, she would say it's getting too heated, but then she would attack me again, etc.

 

The date ended with me turning down going home with her for the "day" which was now Monday at this time, jeez. because I had a feeling she was setting me up for her b.f. to catch me over there.

 

She now tells me that it might have made a difference if I had come over that night, as she was pretty much breaking off any possible future dates tonight when she called and told me she was working things out with her b.f. and wanted to know if we could be friends.

 

??? Dudes.... the feeling you get when this happens. Not good. Not good.

 

Now, I'm totally confused. We've had long talks about all this and she swears what she's said was real, but she was confused, bla bla bla. I told her I was real and still am.

 

So, now I'm in the friend zone? Ladies, if you have any clue at all to what went wrong and who made the mistake, or what her intentions were by taking me to the edge like this, I'd like to know. At the same time, I am now appreciating the fact that she stopped this before it got started, if she did it out of respect for not wanting to see me get hurt later??

 

It's crazy. She's 28, I'm 35, we've known each other enough for almost a year, the hot date happens, she makes me spill my guts about why I'm attracted to her, she called the phone off the hook for 4 days before our date, and now this... our call today ended not as friendly as I wanted to end, and now I'm regretting it. Keep in mind that she told me not to call her, that she would call me, and this is how it's been since her first phone call... which I interpreted as her wanting to keep our thing a secret, so I respected that and didn't and still can't call her.

 

My next encounter will probably be a run-in at the Karaoke bar this coming weekend and I'm a little worried about how things will take place. I really need to know what to tell her and how I can pretend to be friends when she knows I want her pretty bad in a lot of ways.

 

Anyway, here it is the next Sunday night, and it's raining the same, and I'm thinking about our heated date and wondering if she's thinking about it, too.

[CoCoTower]

I wanted to mention that "b.f." stands for boyfriend, not black female.

[Darkangelism]

Originally posted by CoCoTower

I wanted to mention that "b.f." stands for boyfriend, not black female.

 

 

i have never heard bf used as black female b4.

[dyermaker]

Sounds like a calculated move on her part, don't keep playing.

 

Also, I refuse to believe you didn't see it was coming.

[CoCoTower]

Sometimes we see things coming but deny it. How can we actually know? We don't. Trying to 2nd guess everything is no fun. But I am waiting for someone to tell me her intentions and if I'm right about thinking that at some point she did in fact want her b.f. to catch me with her, even if we were just watching a home movie on her couch, etc.

 

The day after the date, she called and left a msg wanting me to come over to watch movies, but when I asked her later if her b.f. was expected to be over, she said, "he'll probably come over looking for me". Hehehe. Put me in a situation, I see. So this is where I stand. I told her I don't want to be used in any way like this so not to try it, but I didn't outright accuse her, just kinda hinted around that I didn't want to be over there and be forced into a situation... it's silly. So now I'm probably coming across as the non-protective type to her, even though I could snap the guy's neck if I needed to.. I have kids and playing games that land you in jail is not my idea of fun. So I stayed away from anything that sounded off a little bell, if you know what I mean. And I think she knows that I figure things out real quick and so she's stopping the game she started. Maybe, maybe not. I really don't even care to ask her this or add any debate to what is a pointless pursuit.

 

But I'm crazy about this girl and it's going to be hard to put that to rest because the chemistry has gone on for too long. This date added something to the mix that blew my mind and I've dated many girls in my time so I wouldn't say I'm a rookie or a beginner, just mixed up with this one.

 

Yea, I need to go on and take it for what it was, an overheated first date/last date, but I have to look at this girl now in a different way and we both will pretend it didn't happen. Somebody e-mail me a beer, please?!?!

[WWDDFD]

Going on a date with someone who currently has a boyfriend? That's messed up.

[CoCoTower]

It may be messed up, but this is how my wife and I met in 1997, she was seeing another guy and then dropped him for me. Women are messed up, true. They do these things and you might not even know they had a boyfriend, so why hold it against them. Dating back and forth is messed up, but most of the time, a girl will try to establish another relationship before breaking up with another guy.

 

Plus, I believed her when she said she broke up with him, so technically, based on her word, she was not seeing him anymore. Realistically, I'm no dumbass (ok, I guess I can be), so I didn't bet any money on her word, but I gave her the benefit.

 

Oh, and I've noticed that girls will tell you they've broken up with a guy, even if they only planned to do it for 2 days, during this 2 day period, they can pretty much do anything, develope a guilt, go back to the guy and work things out.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by CoCoTower

Women are messed up, true. They do these things and you might not even know they had a boyfriend, so why hold it against them.

Please don't pretend you didn't have a choice, no one buys that. It takes two.

[CoCoTower]

I turn down dates with unattractive women, but that's only if they ask me. When you build feelings for a lady over about a year and then she totally gives herself to you and backs it up with promises that she's broke up with her boyfriend, you have no choice but to believe her, or at least give her the benefit. I guess that's the choice I made.

 

Where's the women in here anyway? I wanted some female advice as to whether this girl was trying to put me in a situation where her b.f. would get super jealous. Such a school boy trick, but it seems like most people have this instinct, to go get somebody they KNOW they can get and use them as a tool.

 

When I hinted around about topics like this with this girl, I think she knew that I had figured everything out so there was no need to try to get me to play along any further... I hope this is the case, anyway. I can appreciate that part of it, if she cared enough about me to ask to be friends instead of going any further, then I guess I need to be her friend.

 

I apologize (not a typo) for describing our date in that kind of detail. I think I was so upset when I posted the message that I wanted people to understand exactly how close to the edge she took me before saying she wanted to wait before having sex. She also had the choice from right after the date to not ask me to go to the lake and park. Let's be realistic here.

[Fritz]

She doesn't sound like much of a friend to me...

[CoCoTower]

Well, I'm still trying to figure out what happened so I can determine if she was trying to use me to help her other relationship or if she wanted me but I messed up somehow. She's been a flirting friend for almost a year. Anyway, if you can figure this one out then you're the smartest person in the world because it's stuff like this that drives us crazy knowing we'll never know, know what I mean?

[purpleknif67]

...Drop her. Based on what you have allready said in your email messages, you know what is going on...listen to your gut....I would not waste my time with this women. Why are so attracted to her again? Is it because she is so physically attractive? Is that the main reason why you like her so much? I am not sure of her personality, but it sounds like she doesn't have a backbone. Just my female opinion.

[CoCoTower]

Yea, it's basically a sexual thing that has built up that I'm weak over. I'll get past it.

[purpleknif67]

It happens...we all get sexually swept up from time to time. I would stay away from her and look for somebody else who is kind and respects herself, other people and particularly...you!!!

[dolphinsunshyn]

Anyway, she told me that we should wait 2 months before having sex and that she wasn't that easy, etc. I went along with her and out of respect, shut down my goal to go all the way, but kept on with the light stuff as she did, too. At times, she would say it's getting too heated, but then she would attack me again, etc.

 

MAJOR RED FLAG!!! She was obviously using sex as a weapon to manipulate your feelings for her. I hate to tell you this, but the girl was just using you to make her boyfriend jealous. This is the oldest trick in the book.

 

You deserve a lot better than that. Girls like that give us nice girls a bad name! She probably knew you were interested and used that to get a little rise out of her boyfriend and a quick self-esteem boost for herself. Yes, girls like that are terribly insecure (even if they are "hot"). Chalk it up as a lesson learned.

 

Sex should never be used in that way. If things get hot and heavy it will happen if both parties are guniunly interested in one another no matter what point in a relationship you are. A specific time-frame that is placed on sex is a way to manipulate someone into giving you what you want. Even if she wasn't trying to make her b.f. jealous, she would have milked you dry for those two months and then probably would have dumped you at that point.

 

I know this sounds harsh, but I know the type. I have friends who are "hot" and do the same thing to guy after guy.

 

Anyway, it is nice to see a fellow karaoke junkie on the board. I used to go about three times a week! LOL Best of luck to you.

[Arabess]

Her motives are irrelevant. The end result is all that counts.

 

She was interested in being with you for some purpose besides a relationship.

 

You should have BOINKED her....and then sent her home to her boyfriend with an uncaring smile.

[CoCoTower]

I wanted to BOINK her and it got almost to that. At one point she said, "I don't think you really want me...", so I took this as I needed to be more direct... she followed shortly by "I think we should set a goal, to wait as long as we can...", and other mind games. She had me going back and forth while all the time we were so close to sex that it really didn't matter now. The reason I don't feel so bad bringing up details earlier is because nobody knows who I am. TEE HEE. Oh, I'm sly.

 

This is one of those things that just blows my mind. I've dated. I've even been married and been through every trick in the book there. I've been through lots of crazy stuff, but not enough, I guess.

 

What adds more to this is Keith Urban's song "Raining On Sunday" was playing as she was driving me back to my vehicle through this hard rain and mad lightening. Probably the first thing I've noticed as possibly being romantic to me in a long time... This was my first time to hear the song and now I can't get enough of the damn thing. It made perfect sense. The radio D.J. has to be the coolest buy in the city.

 

Now I keep getting these wierd fanatasies to sing this song for karaoke while she's sitting there with her goofy boyfriend JUST to see the look she makes. Is this wrong of me? No response needed there.

 

Anyway, thanks for the female advice... it's the best I've heard yet. Priceless.

[CoCoTower]

Arabess, a new twist has occurred. She called earlier and has been talking with me off and on since about 4pm today. Not what I would call friend talk, either. It started with light apologies and we talked a lot about being together and topics like that, and then the date came back up, etc. So, maybe you could tell me if she is in the middle of a road trying to make a decision between me and her b.f. She's depressed over a lot of issues with him and then somehow I'm doing intakes for her again. I feel like I'm being her gal-friend who she can talk about her issues with but at the same time she's mentioning situations that we could be in, etc. She's got to be confused as hell over something. She's gonna call back tomorrow. I want to talk to her, but these drawn out conversations over the phone are driving me nuts. I think she's wanting me to help her make up her mind about something and get her out of her situation, but that's something I can't do. Only she can do that.

[theedge]

Hate to say it, she is not making a decsion or it would have been made by now. Typical situation.......People get things hot and heavy, then decide to cool things off. When things cool off they will pull you back in and string you along until the cycle repeats. Trust me I have been that person that gets strung along. Just look at all the married men posts, same situation.

I want to ask something as well. Is her b/f affectionate? Do you sense he is emotionaly supportive? It could be that you are her emotional support right now.

By the way, if you have feelings for her, the friendship thing won't work. Probably why you get pulled back in and will continue to do so if you don't walk away.

[CoCoTower]

I think that I am her emotional support right now. No doubt. She complains about her b.f. all the time. She has asked me before if I was affectionate, etc. I know the friendship thing won't work because I don't think of her as a friend. We crossed a line and it was not by mistake. She approached me from the beginning almost a year ago and has never showed a lack of interest in me. Can't figure it out, so I kinda gave up the heavy thoughts if you know what I mean. You can sit for 2 hours pondering on why, if, how, where, and nothing makes sense, so I am now looking at it from a different perspective.

 

She's either a nymph who enjoys sneaking around and establishing these little relationships on the side, or she's trying to feel me out to see if it is worth moving into my domain the "next" time things go bad with her and the b.f. I really don't want to get caught in that, either. She could very well decide after a week or two that she wants him back, and then here we go.

 

On the phone yesterday I think I did something interesting by accidentally telling her that I met 2 or 3 ladies Saturday night at the karaoke pub and another place and that for once I got the attention because the ratio that night was in my favor. I've always talk totally about her and my feelings but this time I wanted to let her know that I'm not just sitting around in a lover's daze.

 

I sensed that she was a little ticked and she did kinda cut the phone call short and I also heard her hanging up while I was in the middle of telling her bye. However, we're supposed to meet today sometime for something and I'll get a chance to talk in private/person for once in over 2 weeks. These phone calls just don't do much for me.

 

Oh, yes, I've told her that I didn't want to be her friend, that I wanted more than that, and recently told her that I wanted to get closer, but that she was going to have to talk to me for a change about what she feels. So I made her fess up to a few things. She beat around the bush. At one point she said that a friendship is the basis of a good relationship. This is 2 weeks after a heated date where she graphically told me she wanted to do certain sexual things, etc. She now tells me that she wished I had come over after the date, which ended at 5:30am by the way. She talks like it was very important that I came over. Now I regret not coming over. However, I was very tired, worked 11 hours, then the date lasted all night, then what? I needed major sleep.

 

I don't know, maybe when something Earth-shattering happens again, I'll have something more interesting to post about.