morgana Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 Ok, this topic is old. Can someone give me some good advice? I really need it. The thing is this: I cannot accept the fact that a man who trully loves his girlfriend/wife will masturbate looking or thinking of someone else. My ex husband used to look at porn and maturbate thinking of other women. He was not nice about either. He would tell me how many times he did it and who he was thinking of. Although this was not the true reason of our divorce, this for sure ruined the way I felt about him; I could not feel as close to him after I found out about this stuff as i felt before. I used to feel the way I do about masturbation before the ex. My experience with the ex did not create my "close mind" about the topic; but for sure it worsened. Okay, this is past. Let's talk about the present. Present: I have a boyfriend who is a great guy, who loves me, respects me, intends to marry me and that would do anything for me if needed. I know he masturbates. I can't feel good about it! I have read posts and articles and all this stuff on man having the need to do it, that when they do it they are not thinking any less of the girlfriend, etc. But still, I can't accept it. Lusting for someone else is cheating for me. I am so stubborn about this and I want to change. This paranoia has become a prison to me. It has been affecting my life and I constant worry. When my boyfriend travels I worry, if he is sorrounded by attactive women I worry. Reading what i just wrote sound so silly. And it is. It is a wastye of my life which is precious nd I should be enjoying it. Still, I can feel good about it. When I love someone I do not think of anyone else. Maybe that's why it is so hard to accept. I have never been to any kind of counseling because I really never needed. But recently I have been thinking of making an appointment for this matter. Before doing that (having to hear from a psycologist) i prefer to hear from you guys. Can you just explain to me in a way that makes me feel good why guys will masturbate lusting for other women while they are in love with someone else? Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 Lusting for someone else is cheating for me. I'd suggest marrying a woman. Hurry though, we're only doing it here in SF for a limited time only. The reason you can't fathom it, is because you don't have a penis (We also can change that here in SF, pm me if interested). I'm not going to say we can't resist biological urges, or that we're not wired for monogamy, but I will say we process sexual information differently, that's a fact. I was reading in Time magazine (the one with the couple in bed on the cover, why else would I have picked it up?) that men's brains have more activity in the visual recognition part of the brain, than the emotional part. Masturbation and sex are 100% different for a man. Masturbation and sex are 100% different for a man. Masturbation and sex are 100% different for a man. Masturbation and sex are 100% different for a man. Masturbation and sex are 100% different for a man. Contrary to popular belief, men also enjoy emotional connections during sex. Men just want to releive some chemical pressure during masturbation. While it's possible for him to light some candles and smell your perfume, and stare longingly at a photo of you at your last ski trip to colorado, he's not looking for the same things as you at that time. Part of the problem is that we chemically receive sexual urges, depending on what time we are in our life, and what else is going on, but a good rule of thumb is: every eight minutes. I bet you're a firecracker, but there's no way you can live up to that. When a man relieves such pressure, that escalates throughout the day, he just wants to get rid of it, to think straight. So while establishing an emotional connection to you would be ideal, it's a lot easier to simply get off as fast as he can, which doesn't require any emotional attachment--in fact, it may be easier to quickly reach orgasm without it, which is why he doesn't defile the thought of you with a quick money shot, just a thought. Link to post Share on other sites
Darkangelism Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 Dyer is right, it is not something that we can control. Link to post Share on other sites
saintfrancis Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 I will never understand why women (it does seem to be mostly women, no offense meant) are so hung up about masturbation!!!! WTF? It's a normal process for both men and women. There are SO MANY MORE IMPORTANT things to worry and obsess about than this, and has nothing to do with his feelings for you! Sorry if that sounds harsh. I have just read multiple posts such as yours and I swear I will never understand it. And I'M A WOMAN! Link to post Share on other sites
WWDDFD Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 Originally posted by Darkangelism Dyer is right, it is not something that we can control. Actually it is. But only if you want to get stressed out and moody all the time. I was raised a catholic, so naturally, I was taught that masturbation was 110% evil, and I would force myself not to do it. Let's just say that when I gave up the church, I became a much happier person. Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 Lesson of the day: Just because you are a man and YOU do it, doesn't mean you have to make out ALL men to be as pathetic and shallow as you Link to post Share on other sites
Darkangelism Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 Originally posted by Kat Lesson of the day: Just because you are a man and YOU do it, doesn't mean you have to make out ALL men to be as pathetic and shallow as you who are you refering to? Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 [ Dyer is right, it is not something that we can control. I disagree, I certainly have volition, as do you. She asked for an explanation of why, not an excuse. Originally posted by Kat Lesson of the day: Just because you are a man and YOU do it, doesn't mean you have to make out ALL men to be as pathetic and shallow as you Masturbation is not pathetic nor shallow, it may even be good for you. I challenge you to find a man who doesn't, it's perfectly normal behavior, and your contempt towards it is a reflection of your own insecurity, not our indiscretion. Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 Originally posted by Darkangelism who are you refering to? The guys who are saying that all men that masturbate will think of another woman other than their own. Originally posted by dyermaker Masturbation is not pathetic nor shallow, it may even be good for you. I challenge you to find a man who doesn't, it's perfectly normal behavior, and your contempt towards it is a reflection of your own insecurity, not our indiscretion. Never said it was and I encourage it (hell gets me off the hook) please see above post. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 Originally posted by Kat The guys who are saying that all men that masturbate will think of another woman other than their own. Aren't those boobs over there? I'm fascinated by your ability to guess at what one man thinks about, let alone any man. Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 Originally posted by dyermaker Aren't those boobs over there? I'm fascinated by your ability to guess at what one man thinks about, let alone any man. My issue is with people making comments that 'all men' will masturbate while thinking of somepone other than their partners because 'they are men' and again....just because YOU do it, doesn't mean you have to make ALL men out to be as selfish as you! Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 Originally posted by Kat My issue is with people making comments that 'all men' will masturbate while thinking of somepone other than their partners because 'they are men' and again....just because YOU do it, doesn't mean you have to make ALL men out to be as selfish as you! As Pink Floyd once said, "We don't need no thought control" Double negatives aside, I challenge you to prove a man always thinks of his significant other while masturbating. You cannot. You look down on it, by calling it selfish. Uhh... hello... we're masturbating, of course we're doing something of our own self-interest. Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 Originally posted by dyermaker Double negatives aside, I challenge you to prove a man always thinks of his significant other while masturbating. You cannot. I have asked my partner and he has told me he thinks of me. I believe him. That is all the proof I need. You look down on it, by calling it selfish. Uhh... hello... we're masturbating, of course we're doing something of our own self-interest. Don't compare adultris thoughts to mastubating. Once harms someone, one doesn't (unless you are new at it) Link to post Share on other sites
Errol Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 Originally posted by morgana Ok, this topic is old. Can someone give me some good advice? I really need it. The thing is this: I cannot accept the fact that a man who trully loves his girlfriend/wife will masturbate looking or thinking of someone else. My ex husband used to look at porn and maturbate thinking of other women. He was not nice about either. He would tell me how many times he did it and who he was thinking of. Although this was not the true reason of our divorce, this for sure ruined the way I felt about him; I could not feel as close to him after I found out about this stuff as i felt before. I used to feel the way I do about masturbation before the ex. My experience with the ex did not create my "close mind" about the topic; but for sure it worsened. Okay, this is past. Let's talk about the present. Present: I have a boyfriend who is a great guy, who loves me, respects me, intends to marry me and that would do anything for me if needed. I know he masturbates. I can't feel good about it! I have read posts and articles and all this stuff on man having the need to do it, that when they do it they are not thinking any less of the girlfriend, etc. But still, I can't accept it. Lusting for someone else is cheating for me. I am so stubborn about this and I want to change. This paranoia has become a prison to me. It has been affecting my life and I constant worry. When my boyfriend travels I worry, if he is sorrounded by attactive women I worry. Reading what i just wrote sound so silly. And it is. It is a wastye of my life which is precious nd I should be enjoying it. Still, I can feel good about it. When I love someone I do not think of anyone else. Maybe that's why it is so hard to accept. I have never been to any kind of counseling because I really never needed. But recently I have been thinking of making an appointment for this matter. Before doing that (having to hear from a psycologist) i prefer to hear from you guys. Can you just explain to me in a way that makes me feel good why guys will masturbate lusting for other women while they are in love with someone else? Thanks! Interesting that you used a name that conjurs up the image of a woman who by many is considered very sexy and has presented herself in a very sensous role. Anyway, you said "Lusting for someone else ..." which is entirely different from masturbating. Masturbating is a totally self-gratifying act and for most men, the images they have in their minds vary throughout the act. Often times they are not seeing a face or thinking of an individual -- they are simply thinking of the act itself and do not connect it to one person, unless it is their SO---and men do masturbate to images and feelings that are associated with the woman they love. Lusting for someone suggests a particular person that they want to have sex with. Sometimes men do think of a sexy movie star for example to get started, but the thoughts turn to the act and not the person. It might be more accurate to say "lusting for the act of sex" and not for a person. An image or thought of another person is just another masturbatory aid -- like a vibrator or flavored lotion. You can't stop your bf from masturbating and to put those demands on someone may drive them away. But try to separate the two "lust for someone" and "masturbating" because they are totally different. What you ex husband did by telling you all of this was cruel and wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 Originally posted by Kat I have asked my partner and he has told me he thinks of me. I believe him. That is all the proof I need. Lucky him, eh? Link to post Share on other sites
tac719 Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 If you have a healthy relationship chances are he's thinking of you while pleasuring himself. Think of it as the ultimate flattery. He's much more likely to relate it to something real than not. If it is something that bothers you on a constant basis, please seek counseling because it will interefere with any relationship you have needlessly. You mentioned being worried about your boyfriend being around beautiful women when he is traveling. I think this shows that the issue goes a lot deeper than just worrying about his masterbation habits. Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 Originally posted by dyermaker Lucky him, eh? I like to think so Link to post Share on other sites
joker3519 Posted September 14, 2004 Share Posted September 14, 2004 Ok first of all, as a guy who masterbates I will tell you what I know. First off it may not even be the woman that he is looking at, I have tried to explain this to my wife and she just doesnt get it, but we will see if it makes any sense to you. I myself look at alot of porn, but it might be something as simple as what the woman is wearing, i.e nightie, stockings ect, or the postition she may be in. I'm willing to bet that should you ask him what type of things he would like you to wear, or what he would like to try, and you looked at the pics he looks at, you would see a striking resemblance!! Men are horny 90% of the day, plain and simple, but here is the point I think alot of women fail to see, and that is WHAT he is doing about it!! Would you rather have him out having sex with another woman to cure his horniness?? The reason he isnt doing just that?? Becasue he does love you, he does care, becasue if he really didnt, do you think he would be home masterbating, or out getting laid?? Now, my wife and I have been around the bush several times over this subject. and I told her honestly, I get from the internet the sexual stimulation I am not getting here at home. We made an agreement, that I would stop looking at pictures and masterbating if she gave more effort in the bedroom. She has and I have and things are going great. So the question might be, not what he is doing, but why is he doing it!! Remember, realtionships are a two way street, it takes give and take, and most of all....UNSERSTANDING!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Cathalain Posted September 14, 2004 Share Posted September 14, 2004 I have a boyfriend who is a great guy, who loves me, respects me, intends to marry me and that would do anything for me if needed. I know he masturbates. I can't feel good about it! I would feel better knowing that my boyfriend masturbates in the privacy of his own home than if he were going out looking for someone to fulfill his unspoken fantasies. But that's just me. If my partner masturbates, I respect that. It's just another way of taking time for himself - if he wants to please himself, what right do I have to tell him that he can't? I wouldn't even be so audacious as to tell him that he shouldn't. Now, if his masturbating affects your relationship so far as he's doing it so much that he's unable to please you (physically or emotionally), that is a problem and should be explored. But if we're talking about just every now and then, it's certainly nothing to get upset over in my eyes. It's just "taking time out for one's self". I know that I do it myself, as a female. As for "thinking of other people" - well, as stated earlier, it's better to think than to do. How do you know what he's thinking, anyway? He could be thinking of you performing sexual acts that he doesn't have the nerve to tell you that he wants to try. Have you asked him what his fantasies/secret thoughts are? (I've asked my partners what they've thought about while masturbating, and that's usually what they've told me - that they have some kind of fantasy that they thought I would be "shocked" by.) Just some thoughts. Interesting topic, to be sure. -cath. Link to post Share on other sites
babybear Posted September 15, 2004 Share Posted September 15, 2004 Masturbation should NOT be such a big deal! Men and women do it...I'm a woman...I do it! In fact, I do it with my bf sometimes...and I'm not even always thinking of HIM while he's right beside me! You can be committed, you can be monogamous, but you can still get aroused by outside forces. It's human nature. If my bf didn't get turned on by pictures and things like that...heck, I'd be worried! Bb Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 15, 2004 Share Posted September 15, 2004 When I am alone, horny and feeling playing...I honestly rarely think of my husband the whole time. I may start off thinking about him but then my mind wanders. These are MY own personal thoughts, fantasties and I would be really ticked off if my husband said to me, 'NO you cannot think of anybody but ME when you masterbate.' Let him enjoy! It's his private moment (s) to himself, his thoughts and his fun! If your sex life is good and you both are happy then just let it go. Too me it's also one of those things...when you're a little kid (yes everyone has thought this one out too) you'd always want to read people's minds..Ha, mostly to cheat on a test and pick the smartest kid in class...But where I'm going with this is, If you could actually read minds you may not be too pleased with some of their thoughts. Sometimes not knowing in that way is better. I don't care what mine thinks about when he does it! As long as he's getting off and feeling really good that is what counts. Link to post Share on other sites
e2005 Posted September 16, 2004 Share Posted September 16, 2004 Ok so I have the same problem, me and my boyfriend were chatting about it and he said he thinks of other women, but he cant think of famous people it has to be people he knows, so he knows how they act etc and sometimes he thinks of past experiences! Now this bothers me! I cant help it, I know he has to think of something but I cant bear the thought of him thinking of women he and I know! Its driving me mad! I then start wondering who he has thought of, and he must fancy them when he is around them in real life it is really bothering me. It is consuming my thoughts all the time, wondering who he thinks off! And y! I don’t want to keep thinking about it, but I cant get it out of my mind! E xx Link to post Share on other sites
guest99 Posted September 16, 2004 Share Posted September 16, 2004 my bf masturbates whenever I'm not around, but if I am, we barely have sex- twice a week at the most. yet, if there is a night I'm not around- he will definitely masturbate- if I'm on my period- he will masturbate the entire time. That is what bugs ME about it- I don't care if he does it as long as I get sex regularly. It makes me feel that he is not attracted to me and prefers masturbating over me Link to post Share on other sites
MJTig Posted September 16, 2004 Share Posted September 16, 2004 Men have the urge to do it, and there is a difference between your ex who pushed it in your face to make you feel horrible, and this man who does what he does and doesn't tell you the details to spare your imagination. My bf does it and I am sure he thinks of celebrities/porn, whatever... but he also tells me that its 99% me. I accept he does it, because he shows me over and over that he wants and loves me. Plus we are LD so he HAS to let it out somehow. LOL. Men are horny... turned on by sight... better he get it out by himself than with others. If you don't want him lusting for anyone else... ever... for even a 5 minute period... yes, marry a woman. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 16, 2004 Share Posted September 16, 2004 Why not masterbate with him!! Buy a vibator and while he's having his fun, you have your fun beside him!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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