Time for me to come clean

[curiousnycgirl]

Hi all I'm back - will try to keep this as short as possible.

 

As you all know, my BF and I reconciled after 4 months of NC - and things were going well. I was going through some health issues, and he was quite supportive. I even joked with some friends that had I known I had to play the weak female, I would have dropped my white hanky years ago. I truly believed things were going great.

 

I won't go into a long drawn out story, but I assure you I quite innocently accidently saw he had some email from someone on match.com and I made a mental note to myself to check to see if he had a current profile and what it said. I did that checking two days later - on 9/14, 10 days before we were supposed to leave on a 2.5 week vacation. What I saw devastated me.

 

He not only had a very current profile, full of pictures I had taken of him. But it showed that he had been active within the prior 24 hours. I had an incredibly visceral reaction - typically I tightly control my temper - but not that day. I was hyper ventilating and screaming. I copied and pasted the profile into an email and sent it to him with a subject line that said "It would have been nice to hear this from you. Inever kicked you when you were down. I don't think we have anything left to say to eachother"

 

I then forwarded that note to his best friend - who was one of two people who convinced me that BF was really trying and was working on improving himself by attending a self help group. So I wrote a note pointing out how BF was choosing to live a life of integrity with me. I then deleted every single person who had both of us as friends on facebook (even my friends and relatives) - and called it a day.

 

The BF called, but I did not answer. Eventually I sent a note explaining my reaction - and how I saw the situation. I futher told him that I was unwilling and unable to speak to him that there were only two possible outcomes of such an interaction, and neither was good. Bottom line is I am done.

 

Since then I took my sad little butt on vacation, had a somewhat miserable time got sick, am now home trying to get on with my life.

 

I HAVE GOT TO BE THE DUMBEST PERSON ON THE FACE OF THIS EARTH.

 

the end.

[curiousnycgirl]

Couple of things:

 

1. I know I left out a lot of details - I have nothing to hide, feel free to ask anything.

 

2. Yes I miss him like mad. At least 422 times a day I see something and think owe I need to tell BF about that. I just wish we never dated, because he really was my best friend. We thought alike.

 

3. Yes I know I need to stay away - in 6 years he was no closer to being able to make a committment to me than he was the day he met me. In 6 years I really only ever said I wanted 1 thing - I just want someone to have my back (ie be able to pick up the dog from daycare if I need to work late, etc.) he lives over an hour away - he never had my back. One day my car got impounded (as in I got pulled over and the police took my darn car) it never dawned on my to call him to help me get it back. He'll never have my back!

 

Ok done for now

[Shadowburn]

No, you're not the dumbest girl on Earth. But you'd be the one if you'd drag it on and on with the man who is not committed to you, who is lying to you and who keeps you on a string while on lookout for someone better.

 

Yeah, it's going to hurt, no sugar-coating it. But please be proud of yourself - for not settling for less that you deserve.

 

And don't feel stupid for giving him a second chance. Yes, he blew it, but it's on him, not on you. Now you can walk away with you self respect and dignity intact and knowing that you gave your all and he failed you.

 

Please don't let this douchbag back in, because you have my firm promise he'll try his best to weasel back in.

 

Good luck on moving on and don't look back. You're worth more and you deserve better xoxo

[Els]

I am so sorry to hear this. It wasn't your fault he was a D-bag, really. If we never give anyone chances, how will we allow ourselves to live life?

[curiousnycgirl]

Thanks guys but don't give me any slack, please remember you're talking to me CNYCG here, who pretty much paid this guy's way (not supported him, but supported his social life quite nicely tyvm) for 5 of those 6 years - and kept letting him back, while he completely ignored my needs, etc.

 

OY

[PSG]

Oh..I am so sorry. Hang in there. We were together for 10 years...then had issues...I moved out...we got back together and he promised to commit 100%. I honestly thought he had until I found out about someone else. I understand how painful this is after a reconciliation....giving a second chance...and then getting slapped in the face. Know that there are people out there thinking of you.

[curiousnycgirl]

PSG I don't know how you do it - I read one of your posts and my heart broke all over again for you! I am so sorry you are here with me, truly I am.

[mickleb]

Sorry he hurt you again, CNYCG.

 

Glad you sound determined that he won't get another chance to do so.

 

Take care.

 

x

[Star Gazer]

I've been thinking about you alot, CNYCG. I'm hoping you've actually shut the door this time??

 

((HUGS))

[YellowShark]

I HAVE GOT TO BE THE DUMBEST PERSON ON THE FACE OF THIS EARTH.

 

Don't be silly. You're not the dumbest person on Earth. Tiger Woods and Jesse James or Brett Farve have to be some of the dumbest people on earth!

 

My EX cheated on me too. I was literally packed and ready to move out but we decided to give it a second chance. We did the counseling thing, she promised me to adhere to the boundaries we agreed to... all seemed great in our relationship, (and in bed.) ....and then two years later she cheated again.

 

The second betrayal was the most painful things I have ever had to process in my life because she KNEW what the rules of our relationship were... she KNEW the hurt the first affair caused me... yet she did it again. How cruel is that? So I understand your pain.

 

Was I "the dumbest person on Earth" for giving her a second chance? Nope. She was the dumbest person on Earth for throwing away someone who truly cared for her and loved her that would give her a second chance.

 

So you're EX is the dumbest person on Earth curiousnycgirl, not you!

[curiousnycgirl]

Hey Star yes this time is it. He's always known that lying and cheating were non starters for me. I'm not sure if he cheated, doesn't matter - he was looking to move on and he certainly lied. We're done.

 

Thanks YellowShark indeed you are right - there is no way on earth he'll ever meet anyone as good to him as me. He really is a dumba$$ but then again, so am I.

[GrayClouds]

hmmmmmmmmmm.......

[curiousnycgirl]

Indeed Grayclouds I would be skeptical as well. I guess we shall see.

[jeff2321]

I come from the other end of the spectrum. It took a perm breakup for me to realize that I didn't treat my girlfriend well enough and took her for granted toward the end of the relationship. I let my career impact my emotional state a lot the time (coming home pissed off etc) and I wasn't as close to her family as I could have been. I let paranoia drive my relationship with my ex and she got fed up because she probably thought I wouldn't ever propose to her. I realize now that I could have done so much better, but at the time I just didn't realize it ( I was in a personal rut of my own and I was struggling ) -- I guess I'm just one of those guys that just has to learn the hard way.

 

I wasn't a total ******* though... I helped her in a lot of other ways ... I helped her out of debt. I helped motivate her to get out of her dead end job and I really tried to motivate her to just be a healthier person ( by eating better and working out etc ). I did do a lot of good things. I bought her $3000 lasik surgery for her birthday and I took her to australia with on a work trip and paid for her trip. I did a lot of good things for her but in the end it just wasn't enough. I didn't cheat on her or do anything bad like physically abuse her or anything. I just wasn't giving her what she needed I guess and I didn't realize it fast enough to change before it was over. There was a lot of arguing toward the end and that just fueled the breakup.

 

She told me at the very end ( the closure conversation after a month had passed after we had broken up ) that she has been more happy the last month than she has been in the last two years of dating me. So I guess we just wern't meant to be -- I know now that I will probably never find a girl that loved and accepted me like she did -- and if I do it will probably be years and years before I find someone even remotely comparable in quality. But, I had my chance with her and I blew and it's something I'm just going to have to live with and accept -- I'm slowly trying to accept it as the days go by.

 

So I'm sorry for the thread jack... I'm coming from the other side when the guy really does know he could have done better and would do anything to try again, but knows it is over and that chance won't come -- I don't even try and get her back because I know my attempts would be futile and probably a bit creepy. Regret and hindsight are a real bitch to learn how to live with. I guess I will spend the rest of my life trying to forgive myself for not pulling my head out of my ass sooner.

 

Anyway curiousnycgirl, hang in there. I'm about 5-6 weeks NC myself and it's slowly getting better each day. My advice is to go fully NC and have zero contact if you can -- it's the only way you can heal. Even looking at facebook will tear you up... facebook is a killer when it comes to breakups. For me I had to get rid of everything physical that remind me of her... and even still I have trouble keeping her out of my mind.

 

I'm going through it with you, but I guess in kind of the opposite way -- I'm the dumpee. Just know that there are those of us out there who are in a lot of pain like you and you are not the only one. I'm also experiencing regret on top of grief, so it's a double whammy of emotions for me.

 

Jeff2321

[paleblue]

you took a chance and put yourself out there. he was making it seem like he was on the level. no one knows if someone is pulling the wool over your eyes until its too late. ya it’s disappointing, but try not to beat yourself up to badly for taking a chance.

 

people just plain suck sometimes. plain & simple.

[threebyfate]

((hugs)) I'm so sorry to read this. What a douchebag.

 

You read about dating sites on LS being addictive to some individuals while in a relationship, since they continue to get their egos stroked in a safe way. But you have to wonder how long these individuals can hold out until they end up cheating, whether emotionally or physically.

[curiousnycgirl]

((hugs)) I'm so sorry to read this. What a douchebag.

 

You read about dating sites on LS being addictive to some individuals while in a relationship, since they continue to get their egos stroked in a safe way. But you have to wonder how long these individuals can hold out until they end up cheating, whether emotionally or physically.

 

Really? I'd never read about that? But after all we'd been through and after I'd specifically said that I had a problem with it, I'm sorry but no I could clearly not handle it. I cannot express how devastated I was when I saw his profile. I truly gave 100% every single time, I don't think he ever gave me anything more than maybe 5%.

 

I have literally not spoken with him since the night before I found his profile. I truly have nothing left to say. In fact I'm toying with forgoing the money he owes me ($24K) just to maintain NC - although I'm not closing that door yet, since I'm being laid off and in time that may become a more meaningful amount to me, who knows. Is also the principle - in the 6 years I gave him so much - there were only 3 instance where I said he had to reimburse me - and only two of them totaled that amount - so he really should pay me back. But I just don't think I can handle the communication.

 

I actually cannot begin to express how betrayed I feel on so many levels. By him, by my job, just by everything. I just keep telling myself that I am lucky - it's all happening at once, get it over with so I can move on quickly and things can turn around.

 

UGH - I'm trying so hard to accentuate the positive, now if I could just stop sobbing!

[YellowShark]

But after all we'd been through and after I'd specifically said that I had a problem with it, I'm sorry but no I could clearly not handle it. I cannot express how devastated I was when I saw his profile.

 

I can relate. After my Ex's first EA and our therapy together she knew the score, she knew what was acceptable and what was not. She knew the boundaries. Yet she cheated again. The SECOND betrayal was even more devastating because I knew she knew the score and didn't care.. - (like this guy has done to you with his dating profile.)

 

I have literally not spoken with him since the night before I found his profile. I truly have nothing left to say. In fact I'm toying with forgoing the money he owes me ($24K) just to maintain NC - although I'm not closing that door yet, since I'm being laid off and in time that may become a more meaningful amount to me, who knows.

 

OMFG do not let him skate out from under 24K. He owes you that money and he needs to BE A MAN and pay you back. Especially if you are getting laid off. You can set up an automatic monthly withdrawal online with his bank to your account and you two never have to speak. That would be the details I would get in writing as your last conversation.

[curiousnycgirl]

OMFG do not let him skate out from under 24K. He owes you that money and he needs to BE A MAN and pay you back. Especially if you are getting laid off. You can set up an automatic monthly withdrawal online with his bank to your account and you two never have to speak. That would be the details I would get in writing as your last conversation.

 

Thanks YellowShark but there's more to it. He doesn't have the money - he lost his job nearly 6 years ago - since then I paid for everything we did together - including meals, vacations, etc. The $24K seriously represents the ONLY times I ever specifically said, "you'll pay me back for this, right?" But I can assure you it is a very small subset of the total amounts I spent over the years.

 

If I pursue it the debt it will not be because I need the money it will purely be the principle and at this point I really don't know if it's worth it. Maybe I'm just not desperate enough at this point.

[YellowShark]

Thanks YellowShark but there's more to it. He doesn't have the money - he lost his job nearly 6 years ago - since then I paid for everything we did together - including meals, vacations, etc.

 

He has not found alternate employment since then? I just wanna be clear about this.

 

Anyhow, if you are comfortable with walking without the $$$ then do so. I came to the realization, after 4 months NC now, that once a cheater not always a cheater... twice a cheater ALWAYS a cheater.

 

And having a cheater as my emotional and financial partner in life is outside the boundaries of what I want in a relationship. My EX is now free to cheat to her hearts content, I, on the other hand, will find someone who's morality and integrity matches my own.

[worlybear]

Thanks YellowShark but there's more to it. He doesn't have the money - he lost his job nearly 6 years ago - since then I paid for everything we did together - including meals, vacations, etc. The $24K seriously represents the ONLY times I ever specifically said, "you'll pay me back for this, right?" But I can assure you it is a very small subset of the total amounts I spent over the years.

 

If I pursue it the debt it will not be because I need the money it will purely be the principle and at this point I really don't know if it's worth it. Maybe I'm just not desperate enough at this point.

Hi. I can empathise with how you feel- my ex walked away from all joint financial expenses and I had to get CSA to make him pay for his daughter.

Its a real struggle to manage financially but it was such a hassle to pursue him for money that I sold our joint home- I expect if I had sat it out I would eventually have bankrupted him but the price for myself and my daughter was too high.

You deserve better than he has given you and it is so sad that he has used you in this way. I really hope you meet someone nice soon.

Hugs:bunny::bunny:

[curiousnycgirl]

He has not found alternate employment since then? I just wanna be clear about this.

 

Anyhow, if you are comfortable with walking without the $$$ then do so. I came to the realization, after 4 months NC now, that once a cheater not always a cheater... twice a cheater ALWAYS a cheater.

 

And having a cheater as my emotional and financial partner in life is outside the boundaries of what I want in a relationship. My EX is now free to cheat to her hearts content, I, on the other hand, will find someone who's morality and integrity matches my own.

 

He's not really tried to find another job for a long time, he's tried to start a number of businesses that have not succeeded for a variety of reasons.

 

I am not really comfortable walking away from the money, I'm just done. I am emotionally drained. I am beaten. Everything in the whole universe has come down upon me and I just can't take any more.

 

To tell the truth I have no idea if he cheated or not. I admit that I jumped to that conclusion - and it is certainly a possibility. However the harsh truth of my reality is that after 6 years we are no closer to where I had hoped to be than we were the day we met. If anything he might be a bit furher away.

 

All I ever wanted was someone who had my back. Someone who I could call and say I had to work late, could they please pick the dog up from day care, or get dinner ready, or do something for the horse, or whatever. 6 years later and we still live over an hour apart. 6 years later I am the one he calls and I would go running, but he was never the one I could call.

 

He took me for granted, and threw up barriers to our success. When I saw his profile on match, and that he had been active within 24 hours, it was way beyond the last straw for me. Something in me snapped - broke away forever. I am so hurt words cannot articulate it I feel betrayed and lied to. And he has known from the very beggining that lying is a non starter for me. I am the most honest person he knows - and I deserve the same in return.

[curiousnycgirl]

Hi. I can empathise with how you feel- my ex walked away from all joint financial expenses and I had to get CSA to make him pay for his daughter.

Its a real struggle to manage financially but it was such a hassle to pursue him for money that I sold our joint home- I expect if I had sat it out I would eventually have bankrupted him but the price for myself and my daughter was too high.

You deserve better than he has given you and it is so sad that he has used you in this way. I really hope you meet someone nice soon.

Hugs:bunny::bunny:

 

Oh no Worlybear I hope YOU meet someone nice soon if that is what you want for yourself and your daughter. I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time. Your situation is so much tougher. I have zero tolerance for men who do not do right by their children!

 

I am done with men - thankfully I knew that a long time ago - this last guy was my last shot. I can now just focus on me, finding a new job, and taking care of my pets!

 

You take care of you and your beautiful daughter! I hope you get everything you want and more!