Thinking of revenge in other man's arms after husband's one-night stand with stranger

[Privada]

I recently found out my husband had a one-night stand with a stranger after a drunken night out. We were having issues in our relationship although I know, in no way does this justify his act, obviously. I was incredibly hurt and mad when I found out but he apologized, claimed it was only a mistake and has vowed to make me trust him again. I love him and know he loves me too and our marriage is now stronger than ever because we found out the hard way we both have to work on it.

My issue is this; although I have put that night behind me, I still have thoughts of revenge once in a while (they obesess me). I have a lot of male friends who would line up in a second for a one night f*ck with me (almost too easy). Should I just "go for it" and indulge myself? Will it make us even and make me feel all better about myself again? I need advise. HELP!

[Fancy]

Two wrongs don't make a right. Why would you want to disrespect yourself and lower yourself to his level? What good could possibly come of that? Your anger and rage is completely understandable but you need to find a healthier way to release it. You and your husband need to communicate a lot over this and get some counseling together if possible. Time will help this, but doing what you're thinking of doing will only set you on a rollercoaster to nowhere.

[Arabess]

Originally posted by Privada

Will it make us even and make me feel all better about myself again?

 

NO!

 

Whatever could be repaired by love, understanding and perhaps some counselling....would become a moot point.

 

Plus, sleeping with someone just to get back at someone else....is a lousy excuse to have sex.

 

Don't cheapen yourself.

[jayded]

I agree, don't do it. What is the point? If you want out of your marriage then get out but don't do it that way. I understand being angry and hurt and thinking that the only was he could truly understand is by feeling it himself but it doesn't work that way. This isn't the way to feel better about yourself.

I hope things work out for you. Think about what would really make you happy for the long term, not just a quick fix justified by what your husband has done, and go for it. Life is too short!

[Privada]

Thank you for the replies. Perhaps I am thinking that cheating on him would make me feel better perhaps because I was never on this end. In previous relationship (because I was either too young or too reckless, I was the one doing the cheating. I do feel terrible now but back then, I was out for fun, period. I will wild, crazy, independant and had an incredible high self-esteem. I hurt a lot of men but never had anyone cheat on me. Today, my husband of all people, had an affair. I really feel hurt and want to feel as powerful as I once did with the exs I used to cheat on. I know it is wrong but perhaps I want to identify with that "high" from doing something wrong and not getting caught. I do not want my husband to find out and this will not be a "nah nah nah nah nah nah" type thing. I want to do it for me! To prove to myself that I can still do it. Am I making any sense? Did is to save "me", not my "husband" or my "marriage".

[Arabess]

I never thought of 'cheating on your spouse' as a form of self-validation.

[jayded]

My husband once told me that he messed around to see if he still could, that it was validating that he was not old and undesirable. I think there are much better ways though.....

You admit to cheating on your former partners, this is kind of like karma isn't it? What's to say that if you went ahead and cheated on your husband that it wouldn't come back to bite you in the a$$ again? You hurt alot of men and now you have been hurt, what goes around does come around....

Please really think about it and keep talking. I really don't think you'll feel powerful or better about yourself. How would you feel if your husband found out and your marriage went down the toliet because of it. Probably not very desirable or powerful. I guess you have to decide what is more important, having a healthy marriage or feeling like you have the upper hand in the relationship.

How is the rest of your life? Career etc.?

[Privada]

Rest of my life is grand. Have a really great career and everything about my life makes me happy. My husband also does. We have a great life and besides that night, which was brought upon my fertility issues (long story but he felt "not good enough" because we've been trying for over a year and he feels it's his fault, we weren't communicating anymore and while on a night out after a bottle and vodka, an illegal substance i won't mention and a girl following him into the restroom...he caved for a 2 minute quickie while completely smashed) we have a healthy relationship.

I guess I always felt that all the hurt I caused others would come back to haunt me, or maybe I thought i'd get away with it.

I just really feel like I need to feel as strong as I once was. It sounds ridiculous because I would be risking a lot. And we are talking about a physical one-night stand (they did not even know each other's names) on his part not a long emotional affair.

I feel that by cheating on him I could move on and forget about his slip-up.

[jayded]

And you wouldn't feel guilty? What if he found out?

[Privada]

Knowing myself, no, it is horrible to say but I would not feel guilty. Especially since I know he slipped up before hand as well. I would probably come out of it feeling like "ok, now we're even".

As for him finding out, when he told me about the slip-up (while pucking his brains out because he felt so bad) he made it clear that it was physical and it had nothing to do about the way he felt about me and that if I had done the same, he would of stayed and worked on the issues we had. He believes that what is physical does not involve emotions. I can relate because I was once in his shoes and did cheat for physical reasons while my heart still belonged to someone else.

I guess I just want to know if I am normal. Am I making sense? Wanting this "weak" feeling to go away by doing something that will make me feel "strong" and capable again?!?

[SoleMate]

It wasn't even a one night stand...it was a 2 minute stand??!! And she followed him into the restroom? If all that is true, I would find it reasonably easy to forgive (for me personally). However, I would worry about the substance abuse and whether it would continue to cause this and other problems.

 

I do understand the issue about rebalancing the power in your relationship. You explained that quite clearly. Is there any way you could feel equal in power without resorting to outside sex with its own problems? And would you settle for equal in power, or do you need to gain/regain the upper hand?

[jayded]

I think it's really too bad that you feel the need to get even with him. If your relationship is that way all around you're in trouble. It shouldn't be a competition. Here's how I see marriage: it's walking down the road side by side, not one person walking ahead of the other.

Of course your husband said he would stay if it was the other way around, if he told you he would leave you it might give you the same idea! It can never have nothing to do with how you feel about your partner. If you respect your partner you don't go around screwing other people. Sorry, but those are my feelings. Drunk, stoned, stressed, whatever, those are excuses. We all make choices in our life and we make them knowing what the consequences may be. If your prepared to loose your marriage over this then I guess it's up to you but I'd try really hard to find a healthier way to boost your confidence and self esteem.

Have you ever talked to a counsellor or would you consider it? I know some people are offended by the thought and suggestion and I don't mean to offend you but I went and it helped me a great deal. She helped me see that I was still angry deep down and was bottling it up inside. I wanted him to feel my pain somehow. But nobody can ever really feel what you do, they might feel something similar but never how you do.

Could it be that the reason you feel powerless has more to do with the fertility issues?

[Privada]

SoleMate,

 

Yes, it was more like a 2 minute stand in a bathroom stall. He was depressed, drunk and stoned (and NO that is NOT an excuse). The substant abuse is really NOT a habit. It was offered to him that night at the club (which is where he was) and he felt incredibly stupid accepting it afterwards. Also, after the quickie, she wanted to sue the club for having been "violated" while there. Since my husband knows all the staff and owners, the manager knew she was lying. Plus, she was the one to follow him into the bathroom and push him against the wall (he was in the men's room). So, on top of all this, she was trying to get financial compensation (court) for something she iniated (she tried all night to get the manager to take her into his office alone, so he knew exactly where she was coming from because he had spent all evening turning her away).

You mention in this situation it being easier for you to forgive. How so???

I guess I always naturally had the upper hand, so obviously I expect it back. I am very much so a control freak.

 

 

Jayded,

 

I do not feel offended about your suggestion to seek conselling. I guess I wrongfully associate self-esteem with s*x (a lot of people do). And sometimes it is so difficult to build it back up (especially when it is low) that we seek other people to do it for us.

I understand your view of mariage...but I guess there is also a part were you have to think of yourself and be selfish (which is what he did that night and what I want to do now).

[jayded]

Hey Priveda,

I just started an online midterm, i'll be back in about two hours, it's been nice chatting with you!!!

[SoleMate]

You mention in this situation it being easier for you to forgive. How so???

Because he only was weak for 2 minutes...and she threw herself at him quite literally. I'd feel way different if he had spent weeks arranging and dreaming about some encounter, because that would mean he'd had the chance to stop himself.

 

I really do think the power issues and your admitted "control freak" status are more of a problem here. You won't be happy long term with the kind of relationship where you are "in charge". Either he'll resent you, or rebel, or worst of all, turn into a withdrawn zombie who grudgingly goes along with your program while seething inside. So when you go get counselling, I would focus on that, not on this little quickie.

 

I woluld also suggest that he find a way to stay out of situations where drugs and non-consensual sex are being "forced" on him.

[Privada]

SoleMate,

 

Yes, I understand that he did give in only for 2 minutes. But nonetheless, he did give in. Maybe I ressent the fact that in the same situation, I would of done the same. Maybe I am mad at myself for wanting to cheat as well.

I am a control freak but with my environment, not really with the people in my life. So, no, that is not really a problem issue. I like to control my emotions but not other people.

[moimeme]

I know it is wrong but perhaps I want to identify with that "high" from doing something wrong and not getting caught

 

Boy, is that ever lame. And pitiful. And pathetic. There are plenty of ways to earn validation. The fact is that a lot of men will screw anything available. How on earth would allowing some horny guy to get his rocks off in you be 'validating'????? It boggles my mind that women thinking a man wanting sex with them is a compliment to them. It merely means that you are sufficiently not off-putting that they can manage to get it up in your presence.

 

If men were constructed to be extremely discriminating and in such a way that they would only have sex with THE most desirable women or THE women they loved the most and not for any other reason, then maybe it would be a compliment for one to pick you. However it isn't at all. All it means is you're a tiny bit better than the palm of a hand. Big whoop. If that is what you use to validate yourself, then you need major help; you don't have high self-esteem - rather your self-esteem is in the toilet. IF you had high self-esteem, you would not have let any old anybody use you for a few moments' jollies.

[Arabess]

Originally posted by Privada

I like to control my emotions but not other people.

 

Cheating on your husband is not controlling your emotions....it's giving into them.

 

I really believe unless you and Mr Two Minute Miracle focus on healing your marriage instead of playing games....you might as well start making a 'split list' for the divorce courts.

 

If you DO love him and want this marriage to work, you wouldn't even toy around with such an idea.

[Benedict]

Hi Privada -

 

Lots of people have said lots of sensible things here. In fact, I don't disagree with any of it that I have read.

 

Well... except yours. But hey! You are a big girl, and yes, you can do what you want. My experience with people is that ultimately, they will do what they want. I am sure you are no exception, and it really sounds to me like you DO have your mind made up, and are waiting for someone to say "Hey, sounds cool! Go ahead!" I don't think you'll hear that here.

 

I am not going to try and convince you either way; like I said, you will do what you want to do. Something to think about though, is this: a marriage is built around the idea of "Us". Which means you need to think in those terms very much of the time. All the time? No. Just a LOT of the time. I am getting the sense you have not been married long (late, drunk nights in the bar, drugs... other things), but this will set the tone of your marriage. Yeah, he f*cked up. We all do. You will too. You will have enough on your plates as it is, as the time goes by. Why willfully add to it?

[jenny]

i think you seek two goals here:

 

1. you seek to regain power.

 

2. you seek to keep that relationship intact.

 

your solution will achieve neither one of these goals - you will lose power though guilt, and it will further decay your relationship. your solution may be pleasurable to contemplate, as revenge usually is, but i think you know it is not in your best self-interest.

 

for number 2, you know what to do. get to counselling immediately; go to marriagebuilders; and prepare yourself for a long journey ahead.

 

for number 1, find new sources of power. you still hand your husband the power to give or take power from you by attempting to gain it back by cheating. it would take much more courage for you to get your power by surprising your self and doing something that will give you more inner strength; including:

 

a. go on a trip to a country you've always wanted to see on his dime

b. take a class in something, go back to school, or try a new hobby or sport

c. try an extreme sport: you can have the thrill of the risk without the shame of betrayal.

 

i understand your feeling, completely. forgiveness is all very nice, but it takes a long time to get there, and you have to feel through these feelings without repression and without distraction. cheating is a mistake because it will hurt YOU, and that's all i care about in the context of this post.

 

feel anger. feel the need for revenge. but then make it productive and in your best interest. when you are ready, forgive and move on.

 

leave unless he agrees to continue extensive counselling.

[Privada]

Benedict and Jenny,

 

Thank you. I really do want to work on our relationship and get past his little mistake. Trust me, I've made tons of them myself (I am not even close to being the "good" and innocent little wife). We do have a very complex relationship but we adore each other. Period. There is no question in my mind regarding that. We are into the club scene (because of the nature of his work), and surviving five years together threw nights of partying, flirting from the opposite s*x and the entire vibe that scene gives out; has been a miracle. But the point is, we've made it this far, and we are still in love. One night should not affect what we've built together (in my eyes, and considering what we are both confronted to on a regular basis, it could of been MUCH worst because we don't have to go out and "look" for it).

Revenge seems very sweet now because it helps me deal with the hurt and pain (although he has done A LOT to make it all better). It is conforting to feel like i can do it. Although I know it is not the right thing.

 

 

Moimeme,

 

I guess we have a very different view of s*x. I was referring to cheating with a friend. Someone who cares and loves me already and who would bring me more than just a f*ck. No, I would not base my self-esteem on that one event but perhaps for a few minutes it would make me feel good. Obviously it would be a fix and only temporary but right now, after feeling the pain of being cheated on, all I can think of is wanting to feel wanted and desired by someone else myself. Sorry but I get off on feeling that way. Call me crazy or pathetic if you want but it is my life. Not yours.

You have a very negative view of s*x, I feel sorry for you.

 

 

Arabess,

 

Thank you for your input. I do, unfortunately feel that you have very "old" views of mariage. Why can't I toy with that idea and still love my husband? So, when we have s*x together and I am mentally fantasizing about someone else, is my marriage doomed? I was cheated on, sorry, but it DOES NOT feel like a game to me. If he considers it was a game, then I want to play to. Sorry, that is how I see it. An eye for an eye. And I believe that with ALL my heart.

I never stated I was going to cheat, but right now, the tought of being with a man that desires me in a different way, even for one night, feels very conforting. Does not change what I feel for my husband. Does not make me love him less.

I don't agree with your comments, but thank you for having taken the time to post.

[Arabess]

Privada,

I understand you are new to the forum.....but to suggest Moimeme has a 'negative' view of sex and I have 'old' views on marriage.....would cause many a Shackers to HOWL with laughter!

 

Nothing is further from the truth regarding either one of us.

 

[Privada]

Arabess,

 

I am sorry. I did not mean to offend but that is what came to mind when I read your post. Moimeme just attacked me for wanting to feel loved by someone else (I never mentionned I got off by the actual physical act) and you stated that I should not be toying with the idea of cheating. They just seemed like two very extreme views of my person by two people that do not know me at all!

I asked for it by posting publicly but I guess both your posts hurt me. Especially since they were not based on the truth. Obviously you cannot know the entire situation but it is exactly for the same reason you should not judge me so harshly. I am hurt and seeking relief. That is all.

[moimeme]

I was referring to cheating with a friend. Someone who cares and loves me already and who would bring me more than just a f*ck.

 

Ah, well that makes it SO much better then. Now you add in the possibility of having an affair, besides 'using' your friend who cares about you as a tool of revenge.

 

It's really pointless in discussing this with you. You have your mind made up. You think that I have a negative view of sex? You could not be more wrong. *I* at least do not use sex/people to 'make me feel better about myself'. I have sufficient self-esteem to be quite happy and fulfilled without depending on someone else's opinion to bolster me and I think revenge is one of the lowest and basest activities a human can undertake. To do so by using the kindness of a friend who 'loves' you would be worse yet.

 

But you have constructed a lovely rationale for yourself, so go with it.

 

I am hurt and seeking relief.

 

It is selfish to seek to assuage your pain by causing pain to another. Doesn't matter who you are or what you are like. I'd say the same to my best beloved friend as I do to you, and I live by what I say to others. Revenge is base, period.

[Arabess]

I was NOT offended!!!

 

You can read some of the 'other woman' posts and see I will truly care when this whole thing comes back to bite you. It ALWAYS does. Adultry is a nasty little spirit. I've ran into it a time or two myself.

 

If you feel it's something you want to do....then by all means.... do it. I can almost guarantee you though, you'll end up wishing you hadn't.