gaia Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 "If you feel it's something you want to do....then by all means....do it. I can almost guarantee you though, you'll end up wishing you hadn't". I couldn't agree more! Link to post Share on other sites
Bronzepen Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 A friend that sleeps with you knowing you are married, is no friend at all. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 this is a complex situation, with many variables. yours is a very interesting story - and, having run with those kind of crowds, i think i have a relatively accurate picture of what is happening. 'love in the clubs' is fragile, but, i agree, real. here's the thing - i think you know this lifestyle cannot continue forever, and you would like the two of you to still be together when it comes time to trade the pacifers for, well, the pacifers. you are doing the right thing by thinking this through. try to do a apositive action, for yourself, rather than one *against* your man. this could work out, but only if you are strong enough to *not* get revenge and find a different spin. i don't actually have a moral problem with revenge, to tell you the truth, provided it is legal. but it makes me sad when it is poorly conceived and executed, to the benefit of no one and the empowerment of no one. i implore you, no, i dare you, to start brainstorming more creative and productive solutions - you are clearly smart and innovative, i know you can think beyond the 'ass for tit' mentality. Link to post Share on other sites
jayded Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 Have you and your husband ever discussed having an "open" marriage. I know that many people here will disagree with this suggestion and I for one could not live that life but people do and they claim to be happy. To each their own right? Not everyone feels that monogomy is necessary and it many societies it is not the norm. Again, I couldn't deal with it at all but many do! Link to post Share on other sites
Benedict Posted March 1, 2004 Share Posted March 1, 2004 but right now, the tought of being with a man that desires me in a different way, even for one night, feels very conforting. Does not change what I feel for my husband. Bet it would change the way he feels for you, wouldn't it? Or if you found him doing the same thig, your feelings would change... You're going to do what you're going to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Privada Posted March 2, 2004 Author Share Posted March 2, 2004 Jenny, Thank you for the great post. It actually inspired me to think about the issue instead of going on instinct. The club scene is indeed like no other. Things are complicated, feelings are very raw and competition is fierce. Mix late nights, lots of booze, some drugs, very little clothes and the vibe of a club; you have a mixture for danger when your relationship is concerned. And I am not taking about going out once in a while, I am referring to spending at least 3 nights a week there. I've withnessed and succumbed myself to many situations. I might not have gone any further than kissing but I can relate to the incredible lure of anything se*ual within the club scene. I guess what I ressent is the hurt I feel right now. I've done much worst things to others but now that I am the one burned, I cannot handle the heat. As for revenge, I have NO problem with it. I think it applies to everything in life (no just love or relationships). It is a basic and primal human instinct. Perhaps even one that has enabled us to survive through so much in history. Thank you for your post though. I never stated that I would most definately cheat myself, only that I enjoyed caressing the idea for now. That is getting me through the pain right now. As for finding other ways, I am sure I will. Moimeme, We don't have the same opinions or views on this matter. I probably have a very different lifestyle than ours (or what you are used to). My circle of male friends is really close (some much closer than others), we are all very open, young, careless but yet responsible. We have never used each other to make each other feel better about ourselves but they are there for me whenever I may need them. I guess you would have to relate to or understand what we've been through together (comment also applies to Bronzepen). Perhaps it is difficult to understand from the outside and I really don't expect you to. All I have to say is that your comments are incredibly hurtful. Therefore, I will ignore them. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 2, 2004 Share Posted March 2, 2004 Amazing how you complain about being 'hurt' constantly while planning to do something very hurtful to someone else. I'm glad I don't have ANY friends who think revenge is good, natural, or healthy. IMHO that's a sick philosophy. However, continue to return hurt for hurt if you think that's a noble way to live. Link to post Share on other sites
sami Posted March 2, 2004 Share Posted March 2, 2004 Stop thinking of doing that. It will chase you to your grave. Never think of yourself as stronger than those who tried it before to their regrets and permenant feeling of guilt. You are high above that I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
Bronzepen Posted March 2, 2004 Share Posted March 2, 2004 Privada, You said that you live a lifestyle that is open, careless but responsible and that is fine. You love clubing and the nightlife and that is fine too. What you have to understand is that marriage or the concept of marraige is a lifestyle too. It is the unity of two people. It consistst of dedication, support, respect and devotion. It's not a power struggle or who's in control and who isn't. Your lifestyle and the marriage lifestyle are almost complete opposites. What your husband did to you was wrong and hurtful. But saying that your gonna cheat (eye for an eye) and using your lifestyle as justification for cheating, goes against what a marriage means. The question you have to ask yourself is, based on my lifestyle, is it feasible to get married or stayed married. Your hurting now and I am sorry but like Jenny said, you need to think before you act. Link to post Share on other sites
scorpion123 Posted March 2, 2004 Share Posted March 2, 2004 taking revenge by sleeping with another man.....I think that's a really bad idea. Maybe for the start, you will feel the excitement but later stage, I am afraid that you might have regrets. That will hurt your ownself more....think's it will not hurt you r hubby that much. What is the best solution to seek revenge on cheating spouse...who make our lives miserable....throw us into hell? Think it should be focusing on ourselves' well being...live better than ever...... Anyone who has done wrong to us will get their own deserts sooner or later....that person up there will make sure justifications is done. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Privada Posted March 2, 2004 Author Share Posted March 2, 2004 Bronzepen, Thank you. I do believe that marriage is possible within the lifestyle me and my husband lead. It is more difficult (a lot more) but it is possible. We keep in touch through pagers and cell phones when we cannot be together to keep each other grounded and away from temptation. I guess I am upset at him for having "lost it" for a few minutes. My feeling for revenge comes from the fact that is it so easy and accessible. I know it is wrong but right now, the thought of it (or knowing that I can) is helping me through the pain. I have no problem with that. I have not cheated and the incident with my husband happened in November. If I had wanted to, it would of happened a long time ago. But I have resisted. Perhaps because, in the back of my mind I really don't want to hurt him like I was hurt. Even though my first instinct is to do so. Thanks for your advice. moimeme, Well, yes, having been hurt and wanting to hurt that person in return is the basis for revenge. Bravo! But, I never said revenge was "good", "natural" or "healthy". I said it was a basic human instinct. Human instincts are usually the most difficult to control. You know, like eating, sleeping or f*cking; again, all basic human instincts. When someone's slaps you, do you turn the other check? Well, I'm the "other" type of person, I hit back. And yes, I consider it a noble way to live. I look out for myself FIRST, if I don't, nobody else will (and/or I don't rely on anyone to do so). Sorry, but that is my view on life. I am entitled to it, even if you seem to disagree with my values. We are all different. And thank god for that!!! Link to post Share on other sites
sami Posted March 2, 2004 Share Posted March 2, 2004 We are glad you are convinced not to do it. Hope you will stop thinking about it as well. Link to post Share on other sites
gaia Posted March 2, 2004 Share Posted March 2, 2004 Sometimes just thinking you could if you wanted to is enough. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted March 2, 2004 Share Posted March 2, 2004 first of all, don't be too hard on yourself- anyone who really lives *in* the world is going to make some mistakes; it's part of being human. since the club scene runs at about 6 times the speed, with a quarter of the light, as the normal world, the capacity for mistakes is similarly accelerated. i guess it sounds to me like you are ready for a change. i'm 27, and when i sometimes go back, i know i'm now getting out of place. club life has a shelf life: i can still hold my own in club scanties but i get tired and bored around 1. do you feel this at all? maybe i am projecting, but if i am not - could it be that your desire for your man to settle down, to leave the life of bathroom intrigue, could be a projection for your desire to leave it? outside the club, you are young -very young. you have tons and tons of time to find a new guy - and if your husband now is not ready to leave clublife, i don't have to tell you that there is no force on earth that can make him do so. i think you want stability now. that's a legitimate and acheivable desire no matter what your past is like. you may not be able to find it with this guy. Link to post Share on other sites
faux Posted March 2, 2004 Share Posted March 2, 2004 Your husband becomes drunk, and sleeps with another woman. Very wrong, but most likely not premeditated from the information you give me. Your action would be premeditated, making it worse than what he has done. And you say you love him and have moved on? They say "two wrongs do not make a right" for a reason. Get revenge in another way. Do not lose your integrity and respect in the process! Link to post Share on other sites
Fofinha Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 In my opinion, what he did was wrong, but not unforgivable, especially considering the circumstances and the fact that it was not premeditated. As for your desire for revenge, it seems natural, although I would not go through with it. Link to post Share on other sites
spencer Posted March 17, 2004 Share Posted March 17, 2004 I would cheat back in a minute, not really caring if the relationship would be saved or not. i would be sooo pissed i wouldn't recover anyway. i admire your strenght. Link to post Share on other sites
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