how my 2nd chance went

[swfc_77]

well its been 4 weeks since my ex told me she wanted to be free and single im still hurting quite a lot, she broke up with me in april got with some 1 else 4 days later and came back to me after 2 months as her new relationship was not working out.

 

i accepted this and we began to put the past behind us, which was hard knowing that she'd been with some1 else. when we first got back together she was talking about buying a place together and our future.

 

what im finding hard to deal with is that she says all this and im working on getting over the fact she is back in my life then suddenly she ends it again, no arguments or disputes she just ended it all again with the reason above. she has told me she is not "in love with me anymore" which is hard to take as she was so in love with me when we got back together.

 

she also tells me that she prefers her life when im not in it, but when we met 2 yrs ago she had nothing no job, no money i'v helped her get into a college, took her to and from work at 6 am nearly everyday for her job, helped her save some money up. basically i'v supported her and helped her become the person she is today.

 

her saying these things really hurt because i tried really hard to give her everything she wanted, i work for myself and would squeeze 8 hours works into 5 hours just to get back home to help her out ie pick her up, take her to college. she also lived here with my family and we all supported her.

 

now she has gone iv realised that my whole life revolved around her, i still finish work early and work very hard to get home but find myself sat here with nothing to do. she was my life, my number 1 priority. im trying hard to break the old habits.

 

after we broke up last time i changed, i worked out, i bought new clothes and made myself look and feel good. when she saw me she was straight back to me telling me i'd changed. i was still the same person underneath but i was just trying to move on. im scared of doing this again because i dont want a repeat performance.

 

when we were together she is a lovely person. caring and loving, but she seems to change really quick into a cold, selfish spoilt brat when we split, despite everything i did for her.

 

im getting over this in my own way, she broke NC the other day and i replied but thats sorted now im staying away. its hard because like i say she was my whole world and now she has gone she has left a HUGE space i have so much time on my hands its unreal.

 

any commments or advice would be welcome, but if any1 is out there thinking of giving your relationship a 2nd or even 3rd go be very careful it hurts even more after the first.

[livelife]

well its been 4 weeks since my ex told me she wanted to be free and single im still hurting quite a lot, she broke up with me in april got with some 1 else 4 days later and came back to me after 2 months as her new relationship was not working out.

 

i accepted this and we began to put the past behind us, which was hard knowing that she'd been with some1 else. when we first got back together she was talking about buying a place together and our future.

 

what im finding hard to deal with is that she says all this and im working on getting over the fact she is back in my life then suddenly she ends it again, no arguments or disputes she just ended it all again with the reason above. she has told me she is not "in love with me anymore" which is hard to take as she was so in love with me when we got back together.

 

she also tells me that she prefers her life when im not in it, but when we met 2 yrs ago she had nothing no job, no money i'v helped her get into a college, took her to and from work at 6 am nearly everyday for her job, helped her save some money up. basically i'v supported her and helped her become the person she is today.

 

her saying these things really hurt because i tried really hard to give her everything she wanted, i work for myself and would squeeze 8 hours works into 5 hours just to get back home to help her out ie pick her up, take her to college. she also lived here with my family and we all supported her.

 

now she has gone iv realised that my whole life revolved around her, i still finish work early and work very hard to get home but find myself sat here with nothing to do. she was my life, my number 1 priority. im trying hard to break the old habits.

 

after we broke up last time i changed, i worked out, i bought new clothes and made myself look and feel good. when she saw me she was straight back to me telling me i'd changed. i was still the same person underneath but i was just trying to move on. im scared of doing this again because i dont want a repeat performance.

 

when we were together she is a lovely person. caring and loving, but she seems to change really quick into a cold, selfish spoilt brat when we split, despite everything i did for her.

 

im getting over this in my own way, she broke NC the other day and i replied but thats sorted now im staying away. its hard because like i say she was my whole world and now she has gone she has left a HUGE space i have so much time on my hands its unreal.

 

any commments or advice would be welcome, but if any1 is out there thinking of giving your relationship a 2nd or even 3rd go be very careful it hurts even more after the first.

 

I'm sorry that your hurting. I will tell you this though, you sound like a great guy. Like you said, you gave her your all, and its apparently not good for her, she is too blind to see that. Do you REALLY want to be with someone that doesnt appreciate all that you do for them? When she came back to you after her new relationship, thats exactly what my ex did. I didn't really fall for it, as i had my friends telling me not to talk to him, but I did anyways. He played mind games with me, but whatever he's history.

 

I hate to tell you this, but she could have easilyyy gone back to you after her new relationship so she could heal. She no longer had anyone to lean on, noone to boost her confidence, so she went back to you because she knew you would be that one to do all those things for her. She knew you could make her feel better, and once she was fine, time to move on.

 

I hate hate hate to tell you this since it sounds liek your so in love with her, but all you have to do is total and complete NC, and move on.

If she talks to you, Don't fall for it, simply do not reply. sounds lke she is going to do nothing but hurt you. I dont want you to get hurt!! Go out with friends, meet new girls, have fun!!! Don't be so hard on yourself with the work either:) Take it easyy. Good luck! keep us updated.

[strangeways]

now she has gone iv realised that my whole life revolved around her.

 

I agree with everything livelife says.

 

The quote above really stuck out for me. Bad idea.

 

I'm bit like that but I've realised that when this happens you're in deep trouble. The pains twice/thrice as bad when it ends. It's also why you let her back into your life.

 

Most women (get me, like I know anything about women!) will find this highly offputting, smothering, as if it's up to them to live up to your idealised view of them.

 

Be happy with your life without a gf, don't make them the priority, you, and only you are your main priority (unless you've got kids like me). It's all about boundaries and how far you allow someone to push them.

 

Fill that HUGE space with love for yourself. Respect yourself and only let people in your life that respect you.

 

Whether she loves you or not is immaterial. She has absolutely no respect for you. She sounds like a selfish idiot to me.

 

NC NOW, MOVE ON, NO THIRD CHANCES.

[swfc_77]

thank you for the kind replies, starting to feel a little better about things.

 

i wouldn't say i smothered her, she was free to go out with her mates when she pleased. i wanted her to have a life and have fun i use to say you can do anything you like in this relationship apart from sleep with other lads, which was true.

 

she had a bit of a reputation before me and i dont want her to be known for that again, i also think her single friends have had their say. jealous maybe? who knows?

 

i hoped that a mature relationship would be about talking about and overcoming any problems you faced, seems these days people just bail out without a seconds thought. married or not.

 

me and my co-worker have chatted about this and he seems to think she craves male attetion as she use to always be messaging lads on facebook and text. . . . . . . but just as friends.

 

i hope she does well in life and wish her all the best but cant help feeling she will 1 day realise she made a mistake, treating me as she has done. i feel used and just feel slightly sorry for my family who also gave her a second chance.

 

i had a gut feeling from the first day we met that this might happen, but she convinced me otherwise, why cant people just be straigh with you and let you know where you stand?

[Don Ho]

Bro, sorry. This is what happens when you make a woman the center of you world. Giving her "everything" was a mistake. It wasn't interesting to her or making you a challenge. You were too easy. You probably took her back to easily and quickly too. Go back to your first plan of working out, getting out and feeling better about yourself. Do not entertain a third chance. As the saying goes: "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me". Get back up, dust yourself off and move forward.

[strangeways]

I'm not talking about letting her to do whatever she wanted, I did that too.

 

She knew your whole life revolved around her, you did all these things for her. That's the smothering I'm talking about.

 

Did she ever do anything for you? You said she was a loving caring person. How did she show it with her actions? Nice words, affection, unfortunately that's not enough.

 

In my example, she never made dinner, arranged ANYTHING (I even organised taking her away on MY birthday), NOTHING, I used to pick her up after she got trashed, and I let it all slide. More fool me.

 

Basically she lost respect for you. Don't let that happen again.

 

She is (as my ex is), at this point, unable to have a mature, loving relationship.

 

She probably wants everything that a mature, loving relationship can bring just without the commitment.

 

I know you love her but please don't feel sorry for her it's counterproductive for your healing. Any problems are of her own doing.

 

People bail out for lots of reasons; grass is greener, commitment issues, immaturity, he's got a big nose etc, etc. No point worrying about it. You'll never know the real reason.

 

As to whether she will realise she made a mistake, who knows but it'll be a bigger realisation than she made a mistake about letting you go, it'll be "WTF have i been doing with my life". That's when she MIGHT change

 

Bottom line - She can't be straight with you because she can't be straight with herself.

 

You should have heard the wonderful things my ex said to me. Moved in on a friday, she was gone by the Tuesday. Previous week we were (semi-seriously) talking about kids name.

 

Your gut knows best. You need to look at why, if you knew this was going to happen, you went along with it. I've had to take a long and hard look at myself concerning this and it isn't pleasant.

 

Sorry if it sounds harsh. Probably a bit of bitterness on my side. She sounds just like my ex.

[swfc_77]

cheers your prob right, im just sat thinking about our relationship and how it changed over the years.

 

it started with her chasing me and after a few weeks i thought she was a nice GENUINE girl. we got settled and she moved in after problems with her own family. she use to tell me i had no emotions and it was very hard to know what i was feeling, i dont let people in too easy as it is, but after time i started to tell her things, show my emotions.

 

then it changed, i dont think she disliked anything about me but it was like the tables had turned. i opened up more told her my feelings/fears since then it seems she's done nothing but try and destroy me.

 

i dont hate her not even sure if im still in love with her. i love the person that she was with me, but i detest the person she is without me. if you know what i mean.

 

i didn't pine for her i dont now and never have done, i sat back and let her do her own things in life and i did mine. but i supported her emotionally and was secure for her. it was like we would both do our own things and at the end of the day come back to each other in the same place which was home.

 

i'v not been in love like that before and it was a nice warming feeling waking up together, going to bed together, going out with each other.

 

i use to tell her she looked the most beautiful first thing in the morning with no make-up on. really peaceful asleep without a worry in the world.

 

i'v done the all night raves, drugs and drinking, 1 night stands and she has too (not the drugs tho) but i wanted to start building our future buying property and renting them out so we could be comfortable in later life. im only 24 and might sound old before my time but i was looking at the long run. this is something i will do for myself still but it seemed like was doing it for us and it pushed me harder. is that so bad?

[strangeways]

i'v done the all night raves, drugs and drinking, 1 night stands and she has too (not the drugs tho) but i wanted to start building our future buying property and renting them out so we could be comfortable in later life. im only 24 and might sound old before my time but i was looking at the long run. this is something i will do for myself still but it seemed like was doing it for us and it pushed me harder. is that so bad?

 

Not bad at all, in fact very commendable. You sound like a stand up guy. People grow up at different times (me, I was 28 before I started wanting these things), some never grow up even though they say they want to.

 

Just think what about what a great position you're going to be in the years to come because YOU put in the effort and what a great "prospect" YOU'RE going to be. It really is HER loss.

 

When you meet the right one for you she'll be a very lucky lady. Just make sure you take your time and respect yourself. You're the centre of YOUR world from now on. Got it?

[swfc_77]

strangeways - it not harsh mate its true, this is what i needed. i wanted to put my feelings across to people that dont know us (me and ex)

 

its easy for my family and friends to say "you should have seen this coming" or "it'll happen to her 1 day"

 

i'v come to the conclusion that she is spoilt, always wants things in life and when she has them, throws them aside without a second thought. that was the problem with her family. she didn't want to pay her way in life and expected an easy ride from whoever.

 

think she is a bit immature/materialistic aswell, the kind of person to follow the crowd, where as i do my own things and i find i dont have many friends but the ones i do have are really, really good friends. put it this way id rather have 3 good friends than 300 friends on facebook, hence why im not on it.

 

im confused at what your suppose to do in relationships now

Edited October 14, 2010 by swfc_77

[strangeways]

strangeways - it not harsh mate its true, this is what i needed. i wanted to put my feelings across to people that dont know us (me and ex)

 

its easy for my family and friends to say "you should have seen this coming" or "it'll happen to her 1 day"

 

i'v come to the conclusion that she is spoilt, always wants things in life and when she has them, throws them aside without a second thought. that was the problem with her family. she didn't want to pay her way in life and expected an easy ride from whoever.

 

think she is a bit immature/materialistic aswell, the kind of person to follow the crowd, where as i do my own things and i find i dont have many friends but the ones i do have are really, really good friends.

 

im confused at what your suppose to do in relationships now

 

As to the first bolded bit. That's what this forum is for. I know what you mean about family and friends. Sometimes they tell you the right things sometimes they don't know what the f**k they're talking about. Always good to talk to them though. Mine have been invaluable.

 

As to the second bolded bit. S**t, I'm not the person to ask about that. I have no ****ing clue! Only 6 weeks out of my breakup. I have got a non-date next week. An old acquaintance who's really lovely. Knows about my whole situation and we're just going out as friends. Nothing romantic (bit soon for that and she knows it too) but we've always had a bit of a laugh together. I'm looking forward to it.

 

Oh yeah, one bit of advice; take a long hard look at yourself before you do anything. Without a doubt there's things you need to change about yourself, there always is. If you don't learn the lessons you'll more than likely f**k up the next relationship and the next and the next. OK I've thought of some other things;

 

respect yourself

respect her

make yourself the priority

set your boundaries (and she sets hers)

express your disatisfactions

allow discuss her disatisfactions

don't be a doormat

have fun

 

Probably s**t advice. Maybe some of the old guard can give better.

[swfc_77]

mate, you sound like a top guy. cheers for the advice. im sorry to hear about your situaton but i think things will sort themselves out over time in both our lives.

 

i hope you enjoy yourself next week, good luck.

[strangeways]

Cheers mate. Good luck to you too.

[tgr172]

Man its really funny how a person thinks their circumstances are unique. My sort of ex was the same way. History was pretty close except she didnt go to someone else for a while... yet. lol. Thanks for posting it gives me some situational awareness.

[alwayshoping]

wow just when you think your the only guy to make your world revolve around another girl, you find out your no different to everyone else! crazy!

I think if we all realise that we have loads to offer people, and that our ex's really didnt appreciate just how amazing we were. they will. but by then it will be too late as your will have met the girl that truely loves you for you!

 

It just takes time, and tbh thats a good think becuase im not even ready to look at another girl yet!

[swfc_77]

while we split the first time i worked 300 miles away for a month and met a girl while i was out, she really liked me and i thought she was nice.

 

i met her again later on in the week she cooked me dinner at her place and i stayed the night, i told her i wasn't interested in anything as i was still raw from my ex, she even said that on the drunken night we met my ex was all i was talking about.

 

i offered to stay in the spare room but she said no even though she knew there would be no feelings involved. we ended up sleeping together and it just confused me even worse, i felt i'd betrayed my ex even though she was with some1 else at that time.

 

i often think that this random girl liked me even more because i was honest and respectful towards her, i wasn't interested in a 1 night stand and told her this from the start. i didn't want to lead her on.

 

i dont regret meeting her, she was a really nice girl, but then my ex came back on the scene. she asked-i told-she deleted this girls number out of jealousy.

[tgr172]

Great comfort at a time when you needed to feel like you were still desired. Same here but at the same time I felt really bad for using that woman even though I told her. Still feel like a user. Guess it says something about some of us that we do have a concience. However I made a point of not going back because I knew it was a rebound thing. But you're right It was such a comfort that I think about it more than I should.

[alwayshoping]

while we split the first time i worked 300 miles away for a month and met a girl while i was out, she really liked me and i thought she was nice.

 

i met her again later on in the week she cooked me dinner at her place and i stayed the night, i told her i wasn't interested in anything as i was still raw from my ex, she even said that on the drunken night we met my ex was all i was talking about.

 

i offered to stay in the spare room but she said no even though she knew there would be no feelings involved. we ended up sleeping together and it just confused me even worse, i felt i'd betrayed my ex even though she was with some1 else at that time.

 

i often think that this random girl liked me even more because i was honest and respectful towards her, i wasn't interested in a 1 night stand and told her this from the start. i didn't want to lead her on.

 

i dont regret meeting her, she was a really nice girl, but then my ex came back on the scene. she asked-i told-she deleted this girls number out of jealousy.

 

ha my ex deleted a no. of a girl she knows has a crush on me who she thinks is hotter and i think isnt. They once faught over me so things are tense between them! anyways she text me the other day so managed to get her no. back and she actually seems nicer then my ex atm.

 

One thing that worries me though is when we broke up she made me promise that i wouldnt call or text this other girl as the thought of me with other girls would make her too upset!

 

wierd i think considering she is the one that broke it off with me!

I just wish sometimes i knew what was going on inside that crazy head of hers! i feel your pain mate but i think sometimes getting back on the horse early is dangerous and i think im going to need at least a few more months before im ready to even try anything with another girl so perhaps take time to make friends with girls so that when you are ready you know who they are before you get into anything more serious! I know one thing im so much more cautious now! esp considering after 2 1/2 yrs and i apaprently didnt know this girl as well as i thought i did!

[swfc_77]

thats what im sayin mate, i got back on the horse too early and felt bad.

 

my ex gave me 3 names of girls who i was not allowed to see/contact/anything when we split the first time.

 

****ing stupid as she is nothing to do with me anymore i can do as i please.

 

take your time tho pal, dont go hurting any1 else to make yourself feel better ie - your ex. it doesn't pay and puts you back to square 1 again

[kaycstamper]

Rather than making someone else the center of your world, focus on yourself and move on and work on being centered and happy, good things will come your way eventually. Sometimes when you make things too easy for someone, they don't respect you for it and instead of treating you with appreciation, they treat you shabbily. When she saw you going on with your life and doing well she found you interesting and thought she loved you...then when you wrapped your life around her again she lost interest. This sheds light on her depth of maturity. Try to move on with your life and hopefully the next one will be more mature and giving of herself. Give it some time and space inbetween though...no rebounds.

[swfc_77]

i'v been out and had a few beers tonight and i am so tempted to text her to make sure she is ok, people i know keep telling me they have seen her and she is dressed up to the 9s tonight in the pubs i dont drink in. is this really the same girl i fell for ? ? ?

 

crazy stuff, i only wanted to look out for her in life make sure she was happy and settled in life and this is how you get re-paid.

 

i feel like she is missing me and maybe hurting, but i cant do anything without hurting myself. catch 22

[alwayshoping]

i'v been out and had a few beers tonight and i am so tempted to text her to make sure she is ok, people i know keep telling me they have seen her and she is dressed up to the 9s tonight in the pubs i dont drink in. is this really the same girl i fell for ? ? ?

 

crazy stuff, i only wanted to look out for her in life make sure she was happy and settled in life and this is how you get re-paid.

 

i feel like she is missing me and maybe hurting, but i cant do anything without hurting myself. catch 22

 

Haha I was going to post the same comment! But what I realised is why don't they ever call us? Surely if she is hurting like you she would call you!

 

It really is a catch 22 but let's say you or I call our ex. Would they even pick up if they are out on the pull? And what would that do to the progress we have made since the break?

[swfc_77]

im glad i posted on here last night instead of txting her, whats hard is that its so close to home and i can't/won't/wouldn't leave this area because of her.

 

last night my friend said she had tx HIM to see if HE was going out. WTF.

 

another friend told me he'd seen her in 1 of the other pubs, weaing hardly anything.

 

she says she doesn't want a boyfriend at the minute so why is she going out dressed (im sorry) like a cheap slut.

 

i can handle the rejection, but i cant escape her. every1 knows her, every1 wants to **** her. its like she's rubbing it in my face. if you asked her she would just say "im movin on"

[swfc_77]

im trying my hardest to forget it and go out, move on, meet new people but every1 keeps mentioning her. people ask if i'v heard from her or tell me she has messaged them.

 

im scared of seeing her out and about. scared that she will move on and become a better person leading me to think about what i did wrong in the relationship. did i hold her back or was she bored.

 

i just cant seem to let go and move on freely because she is still so close to me. our paths will cross soon there's no doubt of that. im just worried what she will have become.

[alwayshoping]

im trying my hardest to forget it and go out, move on, meet new people but every1 keeps mentioning her. people ask if i'v heard from her or tell me she has messaged them.

 

im scared of seeing her out and about. scared that she will move on and become a better person leading me to think about what i did wrong in the relationship. did i hold her back or was she bored.

 

i just cant seem to let go and move on freely because she is still so close to me. our paths will cross soon there's no doubt of that. im just worried what she will have become.

 

hey matey,

 

look i dont know you but i think i can quite easily say your better without her. She may think in the short term that shes happier without you, or doing better but i doubt that very much! Nice guys arnt everywhere and your friend is a good example of that. She shouldnt even be texting your ex full stop. You will do better without her and even if your paths do cross so what, your not doing amazing now but you have your health and your trying to be the better/bigger person.

 

stay strong and remember that eventually the good guys really do win.

[swfc_77]

i know what your saying mate, but last time was easier because i worked away booked 2 weeks holiday spent a bomb, i cant do that now. i feel like she didn't hurt me enough the first time and maybe she is doing this saying to herself "go on then get over me now".

 

she came into my life took everything that was good and just walked out as thought to say "its not good enough for me"

 

i want her to feel like i do, but i know she isn't. when she was upset, in pain or hurting i would sort it out and make it better however i could. now its me in pain and hurting and she is laughin in my face.

 

i cant go out with old friends because they are her friends now, i cant go to the local pubs and get wasted because if she isn't there they will be and people will be asking questions and so on, i mean i dont know what she's told them.

 

i got a txt from her last week sayin she was hurting a bit but she was happy and feels like a better person, "even tho i left you" as though its some sort of trophy.

 

should i send her a certificate through saying "Congratulations you left Mr xxx xxxxx, heres a £5 voucher for McDonalds."

 

plus its not for me to tell my mate who he can/cant tx. she did this last time we split txtin the few good mates i have.

 

they are going to the racing next week, i would have loved to have gone, but i cant as she will be there with her friends and mine. its going to be hard when i do finally see her because we use to be so close, kissing, cuddling, holding hands and now i wont even be able to touch her.

Edited October 16, 2010 by swfc_77