6 Months after D-Day and the witch called...

[thomasb]

I disagree. Difference between FMM and FOW I guess. As far as I was and am concerned, IMHO the outside party needs to be shown that they are and always were the outside party.

[donnamaybe]

Thanks for your post...but you are not the best support threader out here. She is not validated in any way whatsoever. I can think of a million other ways to have dealt with this..and I think I did very darn well...but once again...an OW wouldnt see this! I don't want to get too personal with this so once again I will raise my head higher because I CAN!

The post you quoted when you posted this answer seems pretty silly. It's like telling someone to ignore a stalker.

 

You did everything right, and so did your H.

[porter218]

Okay porter...so you can tell me how you feel for the many women your husband got involved with during your marriage???? Especially the one that he ended up moving in with at the end? Because I highly doubt your buddy buddy with her!

I never even began to say I liked these women. They didn't take vows with me though..ya know. I am not even going to say I was all 'sugar and spice' with them either. At the end of the day the only person who I could really get mad at whole heartedly was him not them. oh, yea..I actually am 'buddy buddy' with that last one though. Not genuinely. You ever heard that saying keep your friends close and your enemies closer? I practically handed him over to her on a silver platter after all was said and done. I learned more about the A by falsely befriending her then anything. And don't misunderstand what I am saying. I have had a few confrontational calls, and I stand by my decision to do that. But I also have played ms. nice in order to expose all the info too.

Another thing I notice is PP is slightly trying to put some of the blame on herself. Now of ALL things that is the last thing I have ever done...I owe 50 percent of our relationship problems PRIOR to the affair...NEVER ONCE have I or will I ever say I am at fault for his straying...EVER! Not sure where you got this notion from...

Here are your words when defending his reasoning:

-He got away with it..well cause I let him. I was too involved in my life to even care what he was doing with his

-Hell I'm not perfect either.

-I am not perfect by any means

 

 

Just one final note- You may want to tone down the defensiveness. We aren't here to root against you by any means! All of this information his to help you out, not to 'defame' your H.

Edited October 15, 2010 by porter218

[Spark1111]

i was not saying keeping it a "dirty little secret" i was just saying to keeping it between H and W and supporting each other because the xOW disrespected their M and making xOW less important by not even entraining her intrusion.

 

There only two people in their M…I am saying keep it that way, I believe this woman has caused enough hurt at this point and should not be allowed to hurt W or H anymore-- 6 months later or ever.

 

So...what do you do?

 

Ignore her? Because she is a child needing attention? And I don't matter, STILL?

 

This is once again the BS having to take a moral high road, a road neither the MS or OW/OM ever thought to take!

 

I did take the moral high road....until she brazenly broke NC two years later with all sorts of inappropriate conversation, and I and my husband decided I would call her and tell her to back off.

 

She was stunned he told me and that united together, I called her....just stunned, as if my fWS still kept her and her conversations a secret from me....as if I were still the "little wifey" she assumed I was, the woman who took him back for his pay check, the status quo, the kids....

 

Un uh.....

 

She mistook the moral high road I took as obsequiousness. Big mistake!

 

PP felt the same way. And six months is pretty soon after DDay. The broken NC made me crazy two years later!

 

I think she handled herself very well considering the circumstances.

 

Give her power? No way. Stay away from my relationship, my family?

You bet.

 

You don't think my husband pays for the broken contact? Has to deal with the brunt of the emotions I range through as a consequence to his actions?

 

Think PP's H doesn't deal with lots of residula fallout from his XAP contacting him?

 

Of course he does, in lots of residual ways.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

I never even began to say I liked these women. They didn't take vows with me though..ya know. I am not even going to say I was all 'sugar and spice' with them either. At the end of the day the only person who I could really get mad at whole heartedly was him not them. oh, yea..I actually am 'buddy buddy' with that last one though. Not genuinely. You ever heard that saying keep your friends close and your enemies closer? I practically handed him over to her on a silver platter after all was said and done. I learned more about the A by falsely befriending her then anything. And don't misunderstand what I am saying. I have had a few confrontational calls, and I stand by my decision to do that. But I also have played ms. nice in order to expose all the info too.

 

Here are your words when defending his reasoning:

-He got away with it..well cause I let him. I was too involved in my life to even care what he was doing with his And thats the truth!

-Hell I'm not perfect either. Right...and neither are you or the million posters on here!

-I am not perfect by any means Once again...neither are you or the other million!

 

So in saying this I am saying I am at fault for my husband having an affair on me?

Just one final note- You may want to tone down the defensiveness. We aren't here to root against you by any means! All of this information his to help you out, not to 'defame' your H.

 

Listen here Porter....I put my story on here to get some sort of constructive feedback...and not be told to TONE DOWN my defensiveness. I have read your posts..and I'm sure if anyone said that to you at your time of healing and or pain..you'd be quick enough to tell them to bug off. Your posts I appreciate...but by all means...I don't have to listen or take them for what its worth. I'll be straight up and honest and tell you that I can honestly say there is just a handfull of people I actually can relate too and value their opinions on ls. They HAVE responded to my current post...and I can tell you they ALWAYS have constructive advise for me. I have read there stories as well..and I know they don't live in this fantasy world most others seem to betray on here. I am not trying to show off...cause really whats there to show off about? A husband having an affair on me? Seriously now.

 

Thanks...but really...your advise is very confusing and contradictory to me to say the least. One minute its right..one minute its wrong. Seriously..it really is that black and white!

[thomasb]

The only time affairs are not black and white is when the affair partners are still in affair fog, as my DW calls it. Believe me, once you emerge from it you see just how dreadful that fog is!

[PortuguesePrincess80]

The post you quoted when you posted this answer seems pretty silly. It's like telling someone to ignore a stalker.

 

You did everything right, and so did your H.

 

 

Thanks girl! Sometimes we can't help but reply to those...ya know!

[PortuguesePrincess80]

The only time affairs are not black and white is when the affair partners are still in affair fog, as my DW calls it. Believe me, once you emerge from it you see just how dreadful that fog is!

 

 

That is awesome to here from the mm! Glad you got out of that situation. Also appreciate you posting on here as well. Seems like your the only reformed mm on here as well...with remorse that is!

[PortuguesePrincess80]

So...what do you do?

 

Ignore her? Because she is a child needing attention? And I don't matter, STILL?

 

This is once again the BS having to take a moral high road, a road neither the MS or OW/OM ever thought to take!

 

I did take the moral high road....until she brazenly broke NC two years later with all sorts of inappropriate conversation, and I and my husband decided I would call her and tell her to back off.

 

She was stunned he told me and that united together, I called her....just stunned, as if my fWS still kept her and her conversations a secret from me....as if I were still the "little wifey" she assumed I was, the woman who took him back for his pay check, the status quo, the kids....

 

Un uh.....

 

She mistook the moral high road I took as obsequiousness. Big mistake!

 

PP felt the same way. And six months is pretty soon after DDay. The broken NC made me crazy two years later!

 

I think she handled herself very well considering the circumstances.

 

Give her power? No way. Stay away from my relationship, my family?

You bet.

 

You don't think my husband pays for the broken contact? Has to deal with the brunt of the emotions I range through as a consequence to his actions?

 

Think PP's H doesn't deal with lots of residula fallout from his XAP contacting him?

 

Of course he does, in lots of residual ways.

 

 

Still loving these posts! I can't get enough of ya Sparks...CHEERS IT FRIDAY!!!!!!!!

[thomasb]

I'm not always treated very nicely because of that, LOL. I'm not crying over it. I find it entertaining.

[porter218]

 

Thanks...but really...your advise is very confusing and contradictory to me to say the least. One minute its right..one minute its wrong. Seriously..it really is that black and white!

 

It's only confusing because you keep mucking up my advice with my own story. My advice to you is separate from my life experiences. I am giving out advice as a 3rd party with ZERO invested interest in this situation. Matters of the heart are never black and white...and neither is my advice. I am saying that I get why you blasted OW, I really do. But on the flip side I notice something that many of us are guilty of as a BS after an A(and I am not talking about me specifically, I have been on LS for years). Focusing our anger on the OW and allowing the MM to flip it on her. In no way am I saying any of your actions as of yet are wrong. I just hope that as you work through your emotions that you get to a point where you don't give the OW so much credit. If your H wants to cheat again...well he will. OW didn't make him have this A. Even if you magically make her disappear, the problem still lies within your H. And that is where MC or IC can help you guys. Originally when you first caught him you wanted MC and you were upset he wasn't moving towards that. What has changed your mind?

Edited October 15, 2010 by porter218

[PortuguesePrincess80]

It's only confusing because you keep mucking up my advice with my own story. My advice to you is separate from my life experiences. I am giving out advice as a 3rd party with ZERO invested interest in this situation. Matters of the heart are never black and white...and neither is my advice. I am saying that I get why you blasted OW, I really do. But on the flip side I notice something that many of us are guilty of as a BS after an A(and I am not talking about me specifically, I have been on LS for years). Focusing our anger on the OW and allowing the MM to flip it on her. In no way am I saying any of your actions as of yet are wrong. I just hope that as you work through your emotions that you get to a point where you don't give the OW so much credit. If your H wants to cheat again...well he will. OW didn't make him have this A. Even if you magically make her disappear, the problem still lies within your H. And that is where MC or IC can you guys. Originally when you first caught him you wanted MC and you were upset he wasn't moving towards that. What has changed your mind?

 

 

Theres many many many reasons why I changed my mind. 1. You seriously think I want to relive this for the rest of my life? 2. Just like you and I both have said...if he's gonna cheat again...then thats it...he's gonna do it. Vise Versa. 3. Why engage myself in hashing out what is already known? 4. Why pay someone to tell me what I already know? 5. Why pay someone if you may not even like them...like many people on LS have said and gone through...like 2 and up to 5 MC's or IC's? This is just not for me. Maybe down the road...but I don't see it being useful to me at this point. If I was in a rough spot..which is something you seem to think I'm in...then maybe...but I'm not...and with him being upfront with the phonecall has totally proven that to me.

 

Either way...I don't need to explain ****..so thanks..but no thanks!

[freestyle]

I think this could be explained very simply.

 

You're marriage suffered a severe wound.

 

It's still healing.

 

The person who's poking at it right now is the OW.

 

Of course you're going to focus your anger at the person who's trying to pry at the scab. Especially since that person is partially responsible for creating the wound in the first place.

 

From everything I've read about reconciliation, six months is barely beginning to heal.It can take anywhere from 2 to 5 years to get past the point of being triggered.

 

PP, I think your reaction was absolutely justifiable. I think I would have reacted the same.

[donnamaybe]

I think I could clear up a little confusion here:

 

PP isn't lashing out at her H over this recent incident because HE ISN'T THE GUILTY ONE AT THIS TIME.

 

The most culpable one was the H when the A was discovered, for sure. But we aren't talking about the A in and of itself now. We are talking about this RECENT CONTACT which was by the OW.

 

Yes, PP. The OW IS rightfully the one you should focus your anger on now - for THIS incident.

[donnamaybe]

I think this could be explained very simply.

 

You're marriage suffered a severe wound.

 

It's still healing.

 

The person who's poking at it right now is the OW.

 

Of course you're going to focus your anger at the person who's trying to pry at the scab. Especially since that person is partially responsible for creating the wound in the first place.

 

From everything I've read about reconciliation, six months is barely beginning to heal.It can take anywhere from 2 to 5 years to get past the point of being triggered.

 

PP, I think your reaction was absolutely justifiable. I think I would have reacted the same.

You said it better.

[Snowflower]

PP, you're funny and I mean that very kindly! I like your attitude toward this, probably because it reminds me of my own.

 

I think it is hard to convey on these forums where you are placing "blame" (I hate that term, personally). If you are angry with the OW (as you rightfully are:)), then you come across to some as just blaming her. If you take some responsibility for your role in the deterioration of your marriage before his affair, then you are told that you are taking the blame for you husband's choice to have an affair.

 

The only way it makes sense to some posters is to put 100 percent blame on your husband.

 

But you know, that doesn't make sense. There were 3 people involved in the affair dynamic in your situation. Your husband, the OW and you. Each of you played a role. Each of you did things--good and bad (even when you didn't know about the affair) and each of you has your own actions to be responsible for.

 

To blame everything on the MM/WS, which is the common mantra here on Infidelity and in the OW/OM, is simply not accurate. And, IMO, it doesn't contribute to the healing of the 3 people involved.

 

Hope that makes sense, PP. Keep posting!

[thomasb]

Snowflower, you are right on this one. I have very rarely seen an OW who took 50% credit for the damage done by an affair. Usually you will hear the same lame, old excuse of "I didn't take vows!'

[2themoon&back]

Just like the xOW didn’t have to walk thru the door the MM opened for her. Stuff happens, we live and (hopefully) we learn. Perhaps she has learned to not try to reopen the doors that others have closed.[/Quote]

 

 

right !!

 

IMO, we teach people how to treat us. When the OW was an OW she was a secret so the W here didn't have the chance to show the xOW how she (the W) wanted to be treated. As you know that is a frustrating feeling. To have the ability to say to the xOW what was on her mind is something I think most BWs would not pass up- we are all only human after all.

 

right again--she did what she thought she needed to do. i get that and did not say it was wrong or right.

 

 

 

besides, this incident doesn’t have to be full of intrigue and shadows…it could be as simple as the W took the unexpected opportunity to express herself to this woman.

 

i am not sure i understand the issue of intrigue or shadows.. more about keeping your private life your private life thats all.

[freestyle]

I also think some people are a little too hasty to advise others to

 

"Get over it"---"Leave the past in the past', etc., ad nauseum....

 

I see it here on LS often, as well as IRL.

 

It's hard to leave the past behind when it shows up knocking at your door, or ringing your phone.

 

Ideally, PP will get to a place where thoughts of the OW, and the A hardly intrude on her peace of mind anymore.But that will be on HER OWN timetable, it's a place she will reach when she's ready.

 

I think some of the posters sincerely meant well with that line of reasoning, trying to nudge her towards that.

 

But if that happens too soon, I believe it can set a person back in their healing--it can inadvertently invalidate the very real pain that they may be feeling.And an already burdened person gets the extra burden of feeling like they have to defend why they feel what they feel.

 

 

 

(BTW< thanks, Donna:)--tho I hafta say, you can be very spot-on and concise at the same time, yourself--Kudos to you, amiga!)

[2themoon&back]

I disagree. Difference between FMM and FOW I guess. As far as I was and am concerned, IMHO the outside party needs to be shown that they are and always were the outside party.

 

i know they are the outside party you do not have to keep telling them something you are showing them... and they were not always outside the MM invited her in.

[bentnotbroken]

Thanks for your post...but you are not the best support threader out here. She is not validated in any way whatsoever. I can think of a million other ways to have dealt with this..and I think I did very darn well...but once again...an OW wouldnt see this! I don't want to get too personal with this so once again I will raise my head higher because I CAN!

 

 

Couldn't have said it any better.

[bentnotbroken]

i know they are the outside party you do not have to keep telling them something you are showing them... and they were not always outside the MM invited her in.

 

 

And the BS(with the support of her husband) showed her the way out...again.

[thomasb]

To the moon: The wife didn't.

Edited October 15, 2010 by thomasb
sp

[thomasb]

And the BS(with the support of her husband) showed her the way out...again.

 

 

Awesome way to put it.

Edited October 15, 2010 by thomasb
10 characters

[bentnotbroken]

I hv a little tidbit a number of my MM clients have told me. The ones who hv had full blown affairs hv told me the anger between the OW and the W is encouraged by them as a way to further their own agenda. W feels a new false sense of security in him and OW thinks he was telling the truth the whole time about what a crazy biotch his W was. This makes the OW think to never tell the W again about any continued A because she doesn't want to rock the boat for her beloved MM. And the W starts questioning the her WHs honesty less and less.

 

I hope this isn't useful at all. I couldn't help but share just in case.

 

 

 

Sure you could have helped, but you wanted to do it anyway.