6 Months after D-Day and the witch called...

[bentnotbroken]

Hi 2themoon,

 

Please keep in mind that what the people in this forum think about you is unimportant, what matters is what you think of you.

 

Think about it...you are communicating with a group of people who have twisted your words and have been taking jabs at you at every turn, and you have tried to be nice.

 

Take care 2themoon:)

 

 

This is a true statement. One which I pointed out myself. She is communicating with a group of people who took the words she wrote and questioned her on them. She has been very respectful as have most of the comments to her have been. This is a public forum and we take what we can use and leave the rest. It just always gets my goat that there are those who feel the need to do the job of interrupting what others mean and decide where people can post, when they can post and what their level of compassion should or should not be.

 

There are so many who post here who I don't agree with or feel as if they are using all the sense that God gave them, but they have every right to post those sentiments and most of them take it is stride that this is a public forum.

[bentnotbroken]

Sorry if this gets off your original post - Just have 2 comments.

 

You're right there is NO justification for cheating..... But there are always reasons.

 

HOWEVER, If your not happy..leave! Its that simple this is a statement that is not ALWAYS true.

It is not just SIMPLE to walk away from an unhappy marriage. If it were, I'd highly doubt that the infidelity percentages would be as high as they are.

 

 

It could be that simple. Money isn't an issue for most divorcing couples. It only becomes difficult when one thinks of themselves first. It isn't easy to walk away from someone you once loved( I know) but it was simple. You make decisions about the standard that you want to live your life by and you stick to it. You make the decision that you won't become a person who makes decisions that hurt others purposely.

 

Yes, we all screw up in marriage, some worse than others. We don't do all that is required to nurture each other or the marriage. But at some point, I as a person, an individual must decide if some body else's wrongs justify my doing things that I wouldn't want my parents, children or God to see me doing. I will do the wrong thing more times than I can count the rest of my life...but I will not make the choice to live a lifestyle of wrongness(is that a word:o?)

 

Infidelity percentages will always be high, they have been since the time of Jesus. Again, we can all justify doing what we know is wrong, but it was a choice to do the wrong.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Sorry if this gets off your original post - Just have 2 comments.

 

You're right there is NO justification for cheating..... But there are always reasons.

 

HOWEVER, If your not happy..leave! Its that simple this is a statement that is not ALWAYS true.

It is not just SIMPLE to walk away from an unhappy marriage. If it were, I'd highly doubt that the infidelity percentages would be as high as they are.

 

 

No there are no reasons for CHEATING either..not to me anyhow. Justifying a reason for cheating is one in the same. I don't care how miserable you are in a relationship..if you have to resort to cheating...how do you think thats going to make your miserable relationship any better?

[donnamaybe]

you are communicating with a group of people who have twisted your words

And telling someone that the A is still eating them up inside and THAT is why she called the OW back and told her to lay off isn't "twisting words?"

[PortuguesePrincess80]

And telling someone that the A is still eating them up inside and THAT is why she called the OW back and told her to lay off isn't "twisting words?"

 

 

screwed up huh?

[donnamaybe]

screwed up huh?

It is. And I can certainly understand your frustration at having someone take your opening post NOT at face value and try to read all kinds of negative things into it - negative things that make YOU look bad.

[jthorne]

I don't understand why he showed you her phone call, it almost sounds like a game. It sounds as if the R is over, so what was the point?

 

If she doesn't threaten your M, then why give any time or energy towards the exR.

 

It just sounds like a strange dynamic to me.

EVERY TIME x tries to contact me, I tell my H. To me, not doing so is a lie by omission, and disrespectful to him. To not tell him would be the "game" IMO.

[jthorne]

It is. And I can certainly understand your frustration at having someone take your opening post NOT at face value and try to read all kinds of negative things into it - negative things that make YOU look bad.

Me too, it's sad and not helpful to anyone.

 

That being said, I hope the other's inflammatory and unnecessary comments haven't served to blow the situation up into something worse than it originally was. I hope that enough time has passed that you have been able to put the call and the situation behind you.

 

The xOW really doesn't deserve a second thought.

[Spark1111]

Sorry if this gets off your original post - Just have 2 comments.

 

You're right there is NO justification for cheating..... But there are always reasons.

 

HOWEVER, If your not happy..leave! Its that simple this is a statement that is not ALWAYS true.

It is not just SIMPLE to walk away from an unhappy marriage. If it were, I'd highly doubt that the infidelity percentages would be as high as they are.

 

Ok, then how about this:

 

If you are unhappy, say something and separate.

 

That's pretty simple.

 

That spares everyone a lot of shame and humiliation.

 

It's honest, and puts both partners on the same page.

[jennie-jennie]

EVERY TIME x tries to contact me, I tell my H. To me, not doing so is a lie by omission, and disrespectful to him. To not tell him would be the "game" IMO.

 

I presume you are talking about your xMM now? Or is it when any ex contacts you?

[jthorne]

I presume you are talking about your xMM now? Or is it when any ex contacts you?

Generally, any ex. Specifically, azzclown xMM is the only one disrespectful enough of my marriage to actually do it.

(So there's no misunderstanding, I have never cheated on my H. I was single when I made the bad decision to be an OW. My H knows of my past.)

 

Sorry for the tj, PP.

[porter218]

But the fact that you keep on making excuses and basically not taking any responsibilities for your actions and keep on with the "I didn't take the vows" response..your still running away from the fact! The fact is you knew the person WAS married...and for some reason..I have no idea what would lead someone to be #2 to an others life would be..but either way you made that decision. Whether you can get over it or understand why you put yourself in that postion in the first place I don't know...well thats your problem to deal with now.

 

On another note...there will never be any justifications for cheaters..whether its the MM/MW or OW/OM...period. If your not happy..leave! Its that simple. I think the most incredible thing here is...why did you think it was okay to be with a married man in the first place? Do you seriously think thats normal? What happened in your life to lead you to THAT? Especially when you were a bs to begin with? How hypocritical is that?

I have a question for you. What about an OW who didn't know she was the OW. What about a situation where she was not aware she was number 2 till much much later and after finding that out didn't have sex with MM again. Is that something you can actually blame her for? When she just didn't know.

[bentnotbroken]

I have a question for you. What about an OW who didn't know she was the OW. What about a situation where she was not aware she was number 2 till much much later and after finding that out didn't have sex with MM again. Is that something you can actually blame her for? When she just didn't know.

 

 

I would like to answer this. No. If a woman or man for that matter didn't know they were involved with a MP they certainly aren't responsible for being deceived also. But quite a few times this isn't where the story ends. Once they find out, they tend to use the excuse it's too late they are in love. There have been several AP on here who were in that position. Some ended the affairs, others did not.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

I have a question for you. What about an OW who didn't know she was the OW. What about a situation where she was not aware she was number 2 till much much later and after finding that out didn't have sex with MM again. Is that something you can actually blame her for? When she just didn't know.

 

 

HAHAHAHAHA...you must really think i'm a ditz eh?

 

Either way..NO I don't blame OW who don't know the status of the married person they are involved with. But I do question after a long period of time if they didn't find odd things about their relationship with this person...like why they never invite me over for one !

 

Anyhow...sounds like your trying to patronize me. I simply am ignoring people who are condescending!

[porter218]

HAHAHAHAHA...you must really think i'm a ditz eh?

 

Either way..NO I don't blame OW who don't know the status of the married person they are involved with. But I do question after a long period of time if they didn't find odd things about their relationship with this person...like why they never invite me over for one !

 

Anyhow...sounds like your trying to patronize me. I simply am ignoring people who are condescending!

 

No. I wasn't patronizing you at all. I just wanted to know because you seem to think all OW are the devil.

And I asked because I never thought myself to be at fault when I ended up in that position years ago. I wanted to see what someone else thought because his W seemed so angry with me when I called her to tell her once I found out about her....and then when I listen to your black and white description of As it made me think for a second .. 'well, could someone have possibly thought I was supposed to know even when I didn't?' . I m not trying to imply this is what your OW...because you did say she knew he had a W.

And as for the inviting me over part....well, I started seeing him before he was married to her and I spent nights all the time at his place. After when I assume he got married(I have to guess at that because I really don't know exactly when he married her) he still would see me at his old place. I don't know how he pulled it all off, and I wish his W had calmed down enough so we could have talked about it all to figure it out. To this day I don't really know who came first...her or me. I think she just assumed I knew. I was with him for 3 years. But I didn't ever sleep with him again after a friend dug up an old wedding announcement of his in a magazine.

Edited October 18, 2010 by porter218

[Fieldsofgold]

You still with your husband FieldsOfGold?

 

No. I never could catch him, couldn't prove anything, although I knew things were terribly wrong. He wouldn't admit anything, said the problem was with me. I felt it was wrong to distrust him, felt it was only right to trust him until I had proof otherwise. (I was young and stupid, he was older, and crafty.) I found out he was cheating when he left me to marry her (my best ? friend). He did marry her, but tried to come back to me 4 years later. When I refused, he left her anyway and married his then-current-OW. He has repeated this pattern, now married to his 7th W/OW.

[confusedinkansas]

Ok, then how about this:

 

If you are unhappy, say something and separate.

 

That's pretty simple.

 

That spares everyone a lot of shame and humiliation.

 

It's honest, and puts both partners on the same page.

 

It would be thread jacking if I go into any detail on this subject.......

As I said before - Not as easy or SIMPLE as everyone would think that it is. Not just for me - for others that I know that were in my shoes & many I've read about here.

NOT SIMPLE. NOT EASY.

A lot of factors come into play. Not just the money as someone else mentioned. Not just kids. MANY other factors.

 

PP - I still congratulate you for your role in this. Also, your husband for keeping you in the loop. Couldn't have been easy for him to tell you & drudge up all the old memories. (for either of you)

[2themoon&back]

Hi 2themoon,

 

Please keep in mind that what the people in this forum think about you is unimportant, what matters is what you think of you.

 

Think about it...you are communicating with a group of people who have twisted your words and have been taking jabs at you at every turn, and you have tried to be nice.

 

Take care 2themoon:)

 

 

pureinheart... all i can say is thank you for knowing my true intentions here where just to give another perspective, no harm meant.

 

about someone’s opinion of me, it’s ok, it will never define me!

 

you take care as well

 

 

pp, i hope all is going well for you also!

Edited October 18, 2010 by 2themoon&back
to add

[wheelwright]

Yes, a phone call at work 8 months later...He told me all about it....

 

A surprise visit to his new office 2 years later....He told me all about it.

 

I called her directly at work (something I had never done) and told her to knock it off. She wasn't too stable, but I think she won't do that again.

 

To see if he is pining away for her as much as she is for him?

 

Nothing new and exciting going on in her dating life? Maybe to see if he is interested in re-initiaing a relationship, or to see if they could be "just friends?"

 

Because she actually believed he was returning to you out of fear? Or obligation only?

 

Your husband did the right thing in telling you immediately. If there is a next time, let HIM tell her off with you next to him.

 

I contacted xMOM 9 months after NC began, because I needed to hear something from him to help me move on. Yes I was still pining. Yes, I wondered if he was too. But I needed to hear:

 

'I am staying with my W, it is working out fine for us. We are happy and working on our M, and that means I cannot have any contact with you. I am sorry that what we did meant you got hurt. I wish you well.'

 

That's what I wanted when I sent that text. I did eventually get that after a confusing interlude.

 

I think if an xOW needs to hear this some months, or even years after an A, perhaps she should be granted this need. It isn't hard to give, and offers no further encouragement to harbour hope or feelings. If she hears it from BS, she will still get the message, but it will be more painful for her. IMO.

[HappyAtLast]

The OW in this situation: totally in the wrong. Affair is over, no contact established, should not have called.

 

PP's husband: good. Total disclosure, not his fault the other woman contacted him, did the right thing by sharing.

 

What may have been an alternative ending to this, and, in my humble opinion a tad more effective in getting the message across to the other woman would have been for PP's husband to make the phone call. See, the other woman has no idea that PP's husband TOLD her about the phone call (or message, or whatever it was). As far as the OW knows, PP found it herself and took it up on herself to call and blast the OW.

 

PP's husband calling would have sent a stronger message to his ex affair partner and shown that it was not his wife's decision that the OW was not allowed to call, it was HIS.

 

NOT suggesting in any way that what PP did was wrong, just offering an alternative solution should this arise again.

 

For whatever it is worth.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

The OW in this situation: totally in the wrong. Affair is over, no contact established, should not have called.

 

PP's husband: good. Total disclosure, not his fault the other woman contacted him, did the right thing by sharing.

 

What may have been an alternative ending to this, and, in my humble opinion a tad more effective in getting the message across to the other woman would have been for PP's husband to make the phone call. See, the other woman has no idea that PP's husband TOLD her about the phone call (or message, or whatever it was). As far as the OW knows, PP found it herself and took it up on herself to call and blast the OW.

 

PP's husband calling would have sent a stronger message to his ex affair partner and shown that it was not his wife's decision that the OW was not allowed to call, it was HIS.

 

NOT suggesting in any way that what PP did was wrong, just offering an alternative solution should this arise again.

 

For whatever it is worth.

 

 

Thanks for your post HappyAtLast.

 

I can almost guarantee she knows he wouldn't just leave his cell phone lying around the house while at work all day. Its used mostly for business...so I thought with my responding to her would give her more of a ..damn that prick her told her effect! lol

 

Either way..the way I see it is..even if he were to call her back...she could just as well say or think..oh maybe his wife is "MAKING" him say this. So either way it really wouldnt make a difference. I think she got the point..and if she didn't..he will have to respond and most likely change the number. Thats about the only option left!