6 Months after D-Day and the witch called...

[bentnotbroken]

I don't understand why he showed you her phone call, it almost sounds like a game. It sounds as if the R is over, so what was the point?

 

If she doesn't threaten your M, then why give any time or energy towards the exR.

 

It just sounds like a strange dynamic to me.

 

 

:eek:And your response sounds strange to me:confused:. He involved "his" wife in how to deal with a situation as a couple. He didn't hide it, something that most people do in an affair or while still pining for the outside source. It appears he did neither and conducted himself in a manner for them both to protect their marriage.

 

Inserting herself and her "wonderings" into the marriage is a threat to the marriage since you have been told to stay away from us and the marriage. Showing his "wife" the phone messages were a sign that he recognizes what he did to damage her trust and her what he did to hurt her. It shows he is working on rebuilding that trust and building a stronger foundation of love and respect.

 

It has only been six months since d-day, any good book, good counselor or good clergy member would give the same advice to loving and protecting a spouse after such destruction that an affair costs. *sheesh*

[PortuguesePrincess80]

:eek:And your response sounds strange to me:confused:. He involved "his" wife in how to deal with a situation as a couple. He didn't hide it, something that most people do in an affair or while still pining for the outside source. It appears he did neither and conducted himself in a manner for them both to protect their marriage.

 

Inserting herself and her "wonderings" into the marriage is a threat to the marriage since you have been told to stay away from us and the marriage. Showing his "wife" the phone messages were a sign that he recognizes what he did to damage her trust and her what he did to hurt her. It shows he is working on rebuilding that trust and building a stronger foundation of love and respect.

 

It has only been six months since d-day, any good book, good counselor or good clergy member would give the same advice to loving and protecting a spouse after such destruction that an affair costs. *sheesh*

 

 

Thanks for this Bent.

 

I don't understand that response either. Sometimes people just like to shoot the crap for the hell of it!

 

I can't see how or what is strange about it...I wish pureinheart would ellaborate!

[stillafool]

I think you handled her quite nicely. I think you should have told her your H got the message but gave it to you to handle. Then she would have known also that he absolutely has no desire to ever talk to her again. But again, I think you did great.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

I think you handled her quite nicely. I think you should have told her your H got the message but gave it to you to handle. Then she would have known also that he absolutely has no desire to ever talk to her again. But again, I think you did great.

 

Thanks stillafool!

 

I am hoping she got that picture when I called instead of him..from his cell number! I think that proved some sort of form that he doesnt want to bother with her anymore...but only time will tell I suppose. Some people just don't know when to quit I guess. I am sure she was shocked though...to say the least!

[Fight4Me]

And your response sounds strange to me. He involved "his" wife in how to deal with a situation as a couple. He didn't hide it, something that most people do in an affair or while still pining for the outside source. It appears he did neither and conducted himself in a manner for them both to protect their marriage.

 

Inserting herself and her "wonderings" into the marriage is a threat to the marriage since you have been told to stay away from us and the marriage. Showing his "wife" the phone messages were a sign that he recognizes what he did to damage her trust and her what he did to hurt her. It shows he is working on rebuilding that trust and building a stronger foundation of love and respect.

 

It has only been six months since d-day, any good book, good counselor or good clergy member would give the same advice to loving and protecting a spouse after such destruction that an affair costs. *sheesh*

 

Sounded strange to me too. People wonder how trust is rebuilt, well this is it, especially when it isn't prompted. It shows he *gasp* really does love his wife!

[porter218]

I don't understand why he showed you her phone call, it almost sounds like a game. It sounds as if the R is over, so what was the point?

 

If she doesn't threaten your M, then why give any time or energy towards the exR.

 

It just sounds like a strange dynamic to me.

 

Any WS that is trying to rebuild their M would have done the same. He has to show there is not one single thing to hide anymore in order to keep his W...otherwise Ms. PortuguesePrincess is walking out the door.

You have to look t it this way--If OW called MM and he didn't show his W the calls or messages---if his W found out by some other way that OW called and he had never told her about it in the back of her mind she would always wonder 'why didn't he tell me? What is he hiding? Are they seeing eachother again?' and it would eat her alive.

[Fight4Me]

Not to t/j your own thread, PP, and I have been really reluctant to mention this in general on LS because I really wanted to believe that the exOW in our sitch had moved on herself. I've spoken of having made peace with her, and I guess I prefer that ending instead.... but.... with Halloween looming, there must be something to the idea of zombie OW coming back from the dead.

 

Only in my case, she contacted only me. Created a lame fake anonymous account and tried to pass herself off as someone fWH knows personally, only she spelled his name wrong! ROFL! This is 18 months after their affair ended (which lasted a whopping 6wks), so someone is obviously a tad bit desperate.

 

I saw it for what it was, a means to bring up the past and hope that it would drive a wedge between us. Yeah, I was pissed, but I deleted the email straight away so I wouldn't risk responding uncontrollably. I don't remember the exact content of the email, which is weird because something like that would usually stick vividly in my mind, but it was, again, this guy supposedly trying to tell me that they had just spent a specific weekend together.... which was literally impossible considering he was home. I know why she thought that might have worked since I had mentioned fWH possibly going out of town for a men's retreat via FB. Those stupid privacy controls keep changing, so she probably took advantage of one loophole before I tightened it down again.

 

Anyway, fWH and I were both concerned that she was going off the deep end, so he decided he wanted to tell our oldest two children what he had done just in case she went bunny boiler on them. I sat next to him as he tearfully confessed what he had done to me, and to them, and said he prayed they would someday be able to forgive him. I was very proud of both of them, who both said they had greater respect for him for doing such a difficult thing - risking the loss of their love and admiration. They asked a few questions, but mostly said that they noticed huge changes in our marriage since that time, so they're not the least bit concerned. I warned them that their emotions may change and to come to us if they ever need to talk to us or come with us to counseling. Oh... and to beware the zombie. LOL!

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Not to t/j your own thread, PP, and I have been really reluctant to mention this in general on LS because I really wanted to believe that the exOW in our sitch had moved on herself. I've spoken of having made peace with her, and I guess I prefer that ending instead.... but.... with Halloween looming, there must be something to the idea of zombie OW coming back from the dead.

 

Only in my case, she contacted only me. Created a lame fake anonymous account and tried to pass herself off as someone fWH knows personally, only she spelled his name wrong! ROFL! This is 18 months after their affair ended (which lasted a whopping 6wks), so someone is obviously a tad bit desperate.

 

I saw it for what it was, a means to bring up the past and hope that it would drive a wedge between us. Yeah, I was pissed, but I deleted the email straight away so I wouldn't risk responding uncontrollably. I don't remember the exact content of the email, which is weird because something like that would usually stick vividly in my mind, but it was, again, this guy supposedly trying to tell me that they had just spent a specific weekend together.... which was literally impossible considering he was home. I know why she thought that might have worked since I had mentioned fWH possibly going out of town for a men's retreat via FB. Those stupid privacy controls keep changing, so she probably took advantage of one loophole before I tightened it down again.

 

Anyway, fWH and I were both concerned that she was going off the deep end, so he decided he wanted to tell our oldest two children what he had done just in case she went bunny boiler on them. I sat next to him as he tearfully confessed what he had done to me, and to them, and said he prayed they would someday be able to forgive him. I was very proud of both of them, who both said they had greater respect for him for doing such a difficult thing - risking the loss of their love and admiration. They asked a few questions, but mostly said that they noticed huge changes in our marriage since that time, so they're not the least bit concerned. I warned them that their emotions may change and to come to us if they ever need to talk to us or come with us to counseling. Oh... and to beware the zombie. LOL!

 

 

Wow...thats very interesting yet crazy! I can't imagine someone going through all that...especially for a 6 week fling! My goodness.

 

I guess I am glad my h's xap seems to be old fashioned as she just got her 1st cell ...and is totally computer illiterate. She doesnt have my home number either...which is a blessing too! lol Either way...I wouldn't have a clue what to do if this woman threatened my son with the bunny boiler antics. I would seriously go to jail...there is no question in my mind about that! I know her address...she doesnt know mine..kinda of stupid of her to put herself in this position..especially at this point! This witch has 12 years on me to boot! Grrrrr...the nerve of these chicks huh?

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Just a question Fight4Me..how old were your children when dad dropped the bomb on them?

 

I never let our son in on what was happening...just that mom and dad got into a minor fight..and needed a little time away...I went to my mothers for a week or so. My son is 11 btw!

[porter218]

Just a question Fight4Me..how old were your children when dad dropped the bomb on them?

 

I never let our son in on what was happening...just that mom and dad got into a minor fight..and needed a little time away...I went to my mothers for a week or so. My son is 11 btw!

 

Your son may already have guessed at what happened. Don't underestimate kids. I never ever told my son what happened between me and his dad and even at age 4(going on 34) when I divorced his dad he had figured it out. I'll never forget the day he told me--we were watching Jon & Kate plus 8 the divorce episode and during an ad break he said 'Mommy, that is what is happening to you and daddy isn't it? You are getting a divorce aren't you? ' he was quiet and thinking for a minute then--'you guys don't get along because daddy has a gf. You can't have a gf when you are married, right? ' another thoughtful pause--' I think maybe his gf needs him more then we do. We have eachother(his sister, himself and me) and she doesn't have anybody. Its OK because she needs him.' Talk about shocking!! I about fell out of my chair. Especially shocked because we had been so careful to keep all of this from him. He wasn't upset though, he understood...maybe more then even I did.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Your son may already have guessed at what happened. Don't underestimate kids. I never ever told my son what happened between me and his dad and even at age 4(going on 34) when I divorced his dad he had figured it out. I'll never forget the day he told me--we were watching Jon & Kate plus 8 the divorce episode and during an ad break he said 'Mommy, that is what is happening to you and daddy isn't it? You are getting a divorce aren't you? ' he was quiet and thinking for a minute then--'you guys don't get along because daddy has a gf. You can't have a gf when you are married, right? ' another thoughtful pause--' I think maybe his gf needs him more then we do. We have eachother(his sister, himself and me) and she doesn't have anybody. Its OK because she needs him.' Talk about shocking!! I about fell out of my chair. Especially shocked because we had been so careful to keep all of this from him. He wasn't upset though, he understood...maybe more then even I did.

 

Eeeks!

 

Wow 4 years old is quite young! Does your ex live with someone at this point? I really don't think my son does know the extent of it though...

[thomasb]

PP, I think your husband acted perfectly, and in the best interest of your marriage. Full disclosure is very vital to rebuilding a stronger union. And it sure sounds to me like you're getting it right! Don't worry about the people who find it strange. They do not understand what a good marriage and open communication in a marriage is all about.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

PP, I think your husband acted perfectly, and in the best interest of your marriage. Full disclosure is very vital to rebuilding a stronger union. And it sure sounds to me like you're getting it right! Don't worry about the people who find it strange. They do not understand what a good marriage and open communication in a marriage is all about.

 

Thanks so much thomasb! I sure hope we're somewhat getting it right...it involves lots of work...tedious things even, that make loads of difference. But I know it will be worth it if we both give it our best.

 

And who knows...we may or may not end up together one day...but at least I know we both gave it a good shot!

[porter218]

Eeeks!

 

Wow 4 years old is quite young! Does your ex live with someone at this point? I really don't think my son does know the extent of it though...

 

Not anymore. I really have no idea how my son put all that together. He will be 6 soon and he doesn't talk about it anymore. I never talked about it in front of him and he never saw anything. I vote for not talking to your son about it unless he talks about it first.

My x moved in with one of his OW about 3 or 4 months after I gave him the boot. But she kept on catching him cheating on her:laugh:, who'd have guessed LOL. They ended their R this past May when she realized that even if weren't together he would still put me and our kids ahead of her.

[Spark1111]

PP, I think your husband acted perfectly, and in the best interest of your marriage. Full disclosure is very vital to rebuilding a stronger union. And it sure sounds to me like you're getting it right! Don't worry about the people who find it strange. They do not understand what a good marriage and open communication in a marriage is all about.

 

Spot on, thomasb!

 

I told my husband in no uncertain terms that if there was accidental contact or intentional contact on either of their parts and I was not informed immediately, I was walking.

 

It is vital to rebuiding trust.

 

As for the drive-bys and hang up calls, mostly her girlfriend's I assume, I have ignored her histrionics.

 

If they ever resume, (and I do not believe they will after I finally confronted her), I have everything I need to insert myself painfully into her life.

 

There can be no expectation of privacy regardinging a former affair partner in the reconciliation of a marriage, IMO.

 

And my husband gets that big time, NOW. "Imagine my old college boyfriend showed up at work and we went to lunch and he continues to call me....and I say nothing to you...How would that make you feel?"

 

Times that by 100 if the AP tries to contact YOU!

 

Trust me, he gets it.

[Fight4Me]

Just a question Fight4Me..how old were your children when dad dropped the bomb on them?

 

I never let our son in on what was happening...just that mom and dad got into a minor fight..and needed a little time away...I went to my mothers for a week or so. My son is 11 btw!

 

16 and 14. And literally last week, which is why your thread is so timely. It was never our intent to mention it to them since there never was a huge blowout or separation. They only knew we were deciding to go to counseling at church since we wanted to improve our marriage, and that it was like a tune up. We had considered that we probably would have had to tell them eventually, even if only as adults, should we had recognized familiar warning signs in their own relationships.

 

But since they have a presence, however limited, on the internet due to school and have their own email accounts; fWH and I agreed that however remote the chances were of her obtaining their info, it was time for him to come clean. It's been quite a relief to me since my daughter is of the age where she sees kids at school "cheating" on one another, and we're very close and talk a lot. I wasn't going to lie should she ever pose the question to me, and I didn't deserve to carry that burden.

 

We also have a younger "tween" whom we chose not to tell yet. She still literally believes dad won't allow her to have a boyfriend until she's 32 LOL, so this is something way over her head. She has no internet presence and won't for at least a few years, so no worries about fOW targeting her.

[2themoon&back]

Well...I had quite the surprise when I got home from work yesterday. H said he had something to show me..and pulls out his cell. FOW called him 3 times and texted him a simple..."How are you? I just wanted to touch base and see how things are with you?"

 

Sheesh just typing it makes my heart pace again. My first reaction was...so did you talk with her? He said no...I wanted you to see it first..and maybe help me in a way to deal with it. I said simple..give me your phone. I called her up immediately...by the tone in her voice she might have expected it to be my H. I said if you have something to say to so and so...then you can tell me. She kind of fumbled and said oh sorry. I said "you will be sorry if you ever call this number again. As you can clearly see..**** is no longer interested in your services. Therefore do not insert yourself in my life every again...because honey...you sure as hell don't want me to insert mine into yours" and hung up! Ok...maybe that was the nicer version of it..but regardless...she deserved that!

 

I guess my question would be..what would posess someone to call after all the bullcrap they caused...I know i know...it wasn't only her..but the fact of the matter is...she tried the contact after 6 months???

 

I am extremely happy that my spouse was forthcoming with this by all means..and have told him that that means a whole lot to me...and it definately is progress towards a healthier and trusting relationship. But seriously...does this old hag not deserve a beating at this point? lol My goodness...just when I thought it was behind us...all this crap is put right in my face again. How does one cope?

 

 

 

 

Let me start by saying I am a xOW and I have been a BS.

 

IMO, it was a sign of good faith that your H showed you the xOW called, but your reaction says a lot about where you are in your own healing.

 

I think you made the xOW, way more important than she should be to you or your M.

 

If you are working on being secure in your M, then nothing she does can threaten that bond anymore. You acting out on her seems like you still see her as a possible threat and now you have had to “put her in her place” shows her, she can still get to you and I know you do not want that.

 

She knows her place, she probable always has known her place and that is not in your marriage.

 

So no reaction (from you or your H to her) I think would have been better for everyone involved.

 

You may have also stroked your H ego, in an inappropriate way; you kind of showed him that you will clean up his mess he made and fight for him in spite of it.

 

You could have thanked your H for sharing, because for him I am sure he knows this would reopen old wounds but, he had to show you so will know he is comited to you. Then you and he alone or with a MC work through the feelings it brought up in you.

 

Instead of taking the opportunity to bash the xOW, just because she opened the door does not mean you should walk through it.

 

Try to figure out why she still matters to you so much and why she evokes so much anger in you. Is it safer for you to be so angry with her verses your H about the A?

 

Who cares why she did this, just like children, any attention, even if it is negative, is still attention and if that’s what she wanted, she got it. I hope if she is ever does this again, that you will not give in to your anger and validate her in anyway, that is the only way she will ever go away in your mind, your H’s mind and your M, is to treat any contact from her as you would a telemarketer.

 

i wish you the very best

[thomasb]

2themoon, I disagree. I think the important thing here was that she was shown what PP's Husbands reaction was. And that was to avoid this being a 'dirty little secret' that they together hide from his BW. Instead it showed OW that she was on the outside of their marriage.

[porter218]

2themoon, I disagree. I think the important thing here was that she was shown what PP's Husbands reaction was. And that was to avoid this being a 'dirty little secret' that they together hide from his BW. Instead it showed OW that she was on the outside of their marriage.

 

I don't think 2themoon was saying the H showing these calls was wrong at all. I think she is stating that PPs reaction still shows a disproportionate amount of anger towards the OW. Which is a bit true...but still understandable. It is still early in her healing process and as a matter of preserving your sanity it is easier to 'hate' the one you don't have to look into the eyes of on a daily basis. I remember that heart racing feeling that PP is describing after this phone call. It is really hard to sort through your feelings when you are still so hurt. I think if MC isn't something you are willing to try then perhaps IC would be more comfortable. It will shock you how helpful it can be. Even though the M seems to be in a better place right now your emotions are still all over the place. The healing process is so long and so hard to get through whether you leave or stay. Another thing I notice is PP is slightly trying to put some of the blame on herself. Non of this is your fault. No matter how much distance got between you and your H, PP, would you have ever considered an A? Even now, after he did it? I highly doubt it. It is a defect in him that caused it, not anything you are responsible for.

[someday]

Instead of taking the opportunity to bash the xOW, just because she opened the door does not mean you should walk through it.

 

Just like the xOW didn’t have to walk thru the door the MM opened for her. Stuff happens, we live and (hopefully) we learn. Perhaps she has learned to not try to reopen the doors that others have closed.

 

Try to figure out why she still matters to you so much and why she evokes so much anger in you. Is it safer for you to be so angry with her verses your H about the A?

 

IMO, we teach people how to treat us. When the OW was an OW she was a secret so the W here didn't have the chance to show the xOW how she (the W) wanted to be treated. As you know that is a frustrating feeling. To have the ability to say to the xOW what was on her mind is something I think most BWs would not pass up- we are all only human after all.

 

Besides, this incident doesn’t have to be full of intrigue and shadows…it could be as simple as the W took the unexpected opportunity to express herself to this woman.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Let me start by saying I am a xOW and I have been a BS.

 

IMO, it was a sign of good faith that your H showed you the xOW called, but your reaction says a lot about where you are in your own healing.

 

I think you made the xOW, way more important than she should be to you or your M.

 

If you are working on being secure in your M, then nothing she does can threaten that bond anymore. You acting out on her seems like you still see her as a possible threat and now you have had to “put her in her place” shows her, she can still get to you and I know you do not want that.

Oh no not really...I am showing her not to F with me cause if she does...she will get burnt this time...not me!

 

She knows her place, she probable always has known her place and that is not in your marriage.

 

Really now? She thought my h was going to move away to la la land and be with her! That CLEARLY shows she does NOT know where her place is!

 

So no reaction (from you or your H to her) I think would have been better for everyone involved.

Nope...if you know anything about me and my name..you'd know Portuguese chicks are a force to be reckoned with...hahahaha! Either way...I don't see how constructive that would be. I havent been able to say a word throughout their whole damn affair....and NOW I'm going to keep my mouth shut??? OH come on honey...you just trying to get me going here? I guess you were a BS first then a FOW correct?

You may have also stroked your H ego, in an inappropriate way; you kind of showed him that you will clean up his mess he made and fight for him in spite of it.

I can stroke whatever the flip I want on him...he's MYhusband!

You could have thanked your H for sharing, because for him I am sure he knows this would reopen old wounds but, he had to show you so will know he is comited to you. Then you and he alone or with a MC work through the feelings it brought up in you.

I did thank him...did you not read that part?

Instead of taking the opportunity to bash the xOW, just because she opened the door does not mean you should walk through it.

Why not?? She walked through my door the day she decided to engage in an affair!

Try to figure out why she still matters to you so much and why she evokes so much anger in you. Is it safer for you to be so angry with her verses your H about the A?

I am 6 months out of discovery...at this point...yes she makes my blood boil. Why more her then him at this point??? SHE CALLED AND TRIED TO RE-ENGAGE HERSELF IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!!

Who cares why she did this, just like children, any attention, even if it is negative, is still attention and if that’s what she wanted, she got it. I hope if she is ever does this again, that you will not give in to your anger and validate her in anyway, that is the only way she will ever go away in your mind, your H’s mind and your M, is to treat any contact from her as you would a telemarketer.

 

i wish you the very best

 

Thanks for your post...but you are not the best support threader out here. She is not validated in any way whatsoever. I can think of a million other ways to have dealt with this..and I think I did very darn well...but once again...an OW wouldnt see this! I don't want to get too personal with this so once again I will raise my head higher because I CAN!

[PortuguesePrincess80]

2themoon, I disagree. I think the important thing here was that she was shown what PP's Husbands reaction was. And that was to avoid this being a 'dirty little secret' that they together hide from his BW. Instead it showed OW that she was on the outside of their marriage.

 

Exactly thomasb. Some people will always see the negative side of things in situations like these...thats their problem to deal with.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

I don't think 2themoon was saying the H showing these calls was wrong at all. I think she is stating that PPs reaction still shows a disproportionate amount of anger towards the OW. Which is a bit true...but still understandable. It is still early in her healing process and as a matter of preserving your sanity it is easier to 'hate' the one you don't have to look into the eyes of on a daily basis.

Okay porter...so you can tell me how you feel for the many women your husband got involved with during your marriage???? Especially the one that he ended up moving in with at the end? Because I highly doubt your buddy buddy with her!

I remember that heart racing feeling that PP is describing after this phone call. It is really hard to sort through your feelings when you are still so hurt. I think if MC isn't something you are willing to try then perhaps IC would be more comfortable. It will shock you how helpful it can be. Even though the M seems to be in a better place right now your emotions are still all over the place. The healing process is so long and so hard to get through whether you leave or stay. Another thing I notice is PP is slightly trying to put some of the blame on herself. Now of ALL things that is the last thing I have ever done...I owe 50 percent of our relationship problems PRIOR to the affair...NEVER ONCE have I or will I ever say I am at fault for his straying...EVER! Not sure where you got this notion from...

Non of this is your fault. I have known this all along. No matter how much distance got between you and your H, PP, would you have ever considered an A? Can't answer that...cause you know what? Nothing is ever guaranteed in like. IF anything I have learned that! Have I had chance to shack up with men...OH HELL YEAH! Even now, after he did it? Don't think that makes a difference. I highly doubt it. Darn it...I do too though..lol It is a defect in him that caused it, not anything you are responsible for.

 

I agree with that..I know I am NOT at all responsible for it. Thats his demon..not mine!

[2themoon&back]

2themoon, I disagree. I think the important thing here was that she was shown what PP's Husbands reaction was. And that was to avoid this being a 'dirty little secret' that they together hide from his BW. Instead it showed OW that she was on the outside of their marriage.

 

 

i was not saying keeping it a "dirty little secret" i was just saying to keeping it between H and W and supporting each other because the xOW disrespected their M and making xOW less important by not even entraining her intrusion.

 

There only two people in their M…I am saying keep it that way, I believe this woman has caused enough hurt at this point and should not be allowed to hurt W or H anymore-- 6 months later or ever.

[2themoon&back]

I don't think 2themoon was saying the H showing these calls was wrong at all. I think she is stating that PPs reaction still shows a disproportionate amount of anger towards the OW. Which is a bit true...but still understandable. It is still early in her healing process and as a matter of preserving your sanity it is easier to 'hate' the one you don't have to look into the eyes of on a daily basis. I remember that heart racing feeling that PP is describing after this phone call. It is really hard to sort through your feelings when you are still so hurt. I think if MC isn't something you are willing to try then perhaps IC would be more comfortable. It will shock you how helpful it can be. Even though the M seems to be in a better place right now your emotions are still all over the place. The healing process is so long and so hard to get through whether you leave or stay. Another thing I notice is PP is slightly trying to put some of the blame on herself. Non of this is your fault. No matter how much distance got between you and your H, PP, would you have ever considered an A? Even now, after he did it? I highly doubt it. It is a defect in him that caused it, not anything you are responsible for.

 

you read it right thanks