6 Months after D-Day and the witch called...

[whichwayisup]

Originally Posted by pureinheart

I don't understand why he showed you her phone call, it almost sounds like a game. It sounds as if the R is over, so what was the point?

 

If she doesn't threaten your M, then why give any time or energy towards the exR.

 

It just sounds like a strange dynamic to me.

 

Him showing his wife the text is an on going repair to the marriage HE needs to do, disclosure of ANY future contact from the exOW. He did the right thing by showing PP. It shows her that he can be trustworthy again. That he has nothing to hide, that he isn't back with the exOW, isn't interested in her. together they talked, and chose how to handle the contact from the OW.

 

What if by accident PP stumbled across the exOW's text on her H's phone? This outcome could have been completely different and the trust level would have dropped immediately.

[2themoon&back]

See its those last wordings that I don't think your thinking about when you type. In one sentence your trying to sound like your trying to make sense of how I reacted...then you have this snotty lil attitude at the end...like I almost got what I deserved. I am grateful my h's fow is not like you...because there would not be any need to vent on a forum like this. Actions would be doing the talking at that point!

 

As much fun as this has all been, you venting and all, if I had been your H's fow, I would not have called or texted him...period.

 

As for my last words, I was being honest not snotty, and I NEVER said you got what you deserved, I do not know what you deserve but I would never say being betrayed by someone you love or being tormented by the fow is what someone deserves. It is not!

 

I can tell you seem to like to talk down to people and using name calling to get your point across...you did, you got your point across to me anyway and that is you are very defensive and it seems no matter what people say if they do not agree with you they are wrong... well that’s fine, it is a little closed minded, but it is all good.

[2themoon&back]

I wouldnt warn her before kicking her ass..thats the difference between me and you. I would do it first..then be satisfied in jail for the night!

 

About me telling the other woman I would do any physical harm to her… you misunderstood (again)

 

I never told her I would kick her a@# or anything like that, I just told her to leave me and my H alone or I would tell her H, that she was still contacting my H.

 

So here you are very right about us being very different … you are tougher and more into a@# kicking, which is something I would never stoop to and I am glad we are different.

[SidLyon]

This happened to us too - almost exactly 6 months to the day after d-day. The difference was that she called my fWH on his work phone so he had to speak to her.

 

He told her he would not meet her and that he would be telling me about the contact. She practically begged him not to tell me.

 

He did tell me as it was part of our agreement about being honest and rebuilding our marriage.

 

Like you PP I called her and told her to stay away. I am sorry you are being not so subtly criticised for what you did. I did exactly the same.

 

I still remember the panicked feeling I got. This month is the 2 year anniversary since d-day but if she called my fWH again I'd still get back to her.

[hopeless4u]

I also contacted my xMM after almost 6 months NC but by email to his work (we work for the same company) just asking if we could talk, I did it to move on. I needed to know he wasn't going to turn up in my life in a couple of months telling me he was single.

Okay now this bothers me. For 1...if he really wanted you...he would've left his wife. Not in 1 month not in 6 months....not especially having a 2 yr affair with you. Thats bullcrap...and I think you know that now! So...please follow up and tell me what his reply was to you? Then again..you are a fow...so I have my answer I suppose!

Nope...not offended at all. Thanks for sharing your side.

 

I had no reply, which was what I was expecting so I set up my IC sessions and started to believe he was out of my life forever.....Almost 1 month later one sunday morning my phone rang and it was him!

He wanted to talk, said I deserved closure? He also insisted on coming to my home to do this talking and TBH I expected his W to come with him but he was alone.

 

He told me all the same things he had said before but added how 'broken' his W was over all of this and how I shouldn't of told her some of the things I did when she rang me(she took an OD and said it was because of what I had said to her). I was never nasty to her, I just answered her questions.

When I asked if his W knew he was at my house he said yes as she thought I was waiting in the wings for their M to fail and he would come running back to me, how much of that is true I don't know.

 

That was 8 weeks ago.

[bentnotbroken]

About me telling the other woman I would do any physical harm to her… you misunderstood (again)

 

I never told her I would kick her a@# or anything like that, I just told her to leave me and my H alone or I would tell her H, that she was still contacting my H.

 

So here you are very right about us being very different … you are tougher and more into a@# kicking, which is something I would never stoop to and I am glad we are different.

 

 

Wait a minute, you wouldn't stoop to. Didn't you have an affair too? If I am wrong I apologize. I feel if you can stoop to an affair, it shouldn't be far fetched that one is capable of stooping to something else deviant. Yes, thank God for the differences in personality, dreams, and character.

[2themoon&back]

Wait a minute, you wouldn't stoop to. Didn't you have an affair too? If I am wrong I apologize. I feel if you can stoop to an affair, it shouldn't be far fetched that one is capable of stooping to something else deviant. Yes, thank God for the differences in personality, dreams, and character.

 

 

 

You are right, I did have an A, and I must be confused because I thought there was a big the difference in physical violence to someone and an A. I guess to you they are the same.

 

and I can assume your opinion of me is not very high because I had an A, most people’s are the same as yours, so I am used to that, I cannot undo what I have done, it is done and I have to own it. I am sorry people got hurt including me. I am sorry someone “like me” hurt you as well.

[bentnotbroken]

You are right, I did have an A, and I must be confused because I thought there was a big the difference in physical violence to someone and an A. I guess to you they are the same.

 

and I can assume your opinion of me is not very high because I had an A, most people’s are the same as yours, so I am used to that, I cannot undo what I have done, it is done and I have to own it. I am sorry people got hurt including me. I am sorry someone “like me” hurt you as well.

 

 

I was trying to point out that violence (emotional and physical) are damaging to the one's on the receiving end. I wouldn't cheat (emotional damage)but I would open a can of whoop azz(physical & emotional damage) if I feel the need to. Neither are right, but you felt the need to point out that you felt that physical abuse is stooping. I felt the need to point out I feel that having an affair is stooping. Yet they both are abusive. No one like you hurt me. I don't know you. I feel that the ow in my case is unique in that there is only one her. You hurt the BS in your situation not me.

 

My opinion of you doesn't affect your life or how you live it so it is neither here nor there. This is just a open forum where people will see something that jumps out at them and comment on it. You did and so did I. That's all, nothing more.

[jj33]

PP i think its great that your H showed you the text and is taking all the right steps to build trust with you.

 

For what its worth, as a FOW, I can tell you why she did it and it may not be as nefarious as you think (tho it may be too).

 

I know I would never get involved with xMM again while he is married. And we did not have a D day and my situation was not the norm. If we had had a D day and his W was upset etc perhaps I would never have contacted him again.

 

But often when people break up because of a D day, there are unfinished emotions on one side or the other. She may genuinely miss him and simply have wondered how he was. I know I think about xMM and wonder how he is, and I know he checks in on me through various mutual friends etc.

 

She may simply have wondered how he was.

 

I know that she has no business contacting your H, that she has no business being in touch with him and that she has no business wondering anything about your H ever ever again. Nonetheless, he was probably important to her and she may have just wondered how he was.

 

I hope it was only that innocent. In any case she shouldnt be in touch with your H and it sounds like you put a stop to it.

[2themoon&back]

I was trying to point out that violence (emotional and physical) are damaging to the one's on the receiving end. I wouldn't cheat (emotional damage)but I would open a can of whoop azz(physical & emotional damage) if I feel the need to. Neither are right, but you felt the need to point out that you felt that physical abuse is stooping. I felt the need to point out I feel that having an affair is stooping. Yet they both are abusive. No one like you hurt me. I don't know you. I feel that the ow in my case is unique in that there is only one her. You hurt the BS in your situation not me.

 

My opinion of you doesn't affect your life or how you live it so it is neither here nor there. This is just a open forum where people will see something that jumps out at them and comment on it. You did and so did I. That's all, nothing more.

 

 

you are sooo right !!!!

[alexandria35]

You are right, I did have an A, and I must be confused because I thought there was a big the difference in physical violence to someone and an A. I guess to you they are the same.

 

and I can assume your opinion of me is not very high because I had an A, most people’s are the same as yours, so I am used to that, I cannot undo what I have done, it is done and I have to own it. I am sorry people got hurt including me. I am sorry someone “like me” hurt you as well.

 

 

Well to be honest, I've never been married but if I was I truly believe that I would prefer to get beat up rather than discover that my husband had been betraying me for months or even years. In this case the physical pain of being assaulted sounds less painful than the emotional pain of adultery.

 

Some years ago I had a very bad relationship that ended very badly for me. No cheating that I was aware of but lots of mental and emotional abuse. When it finally ended I was beyond devastated, really just ruined. I carried this horrible, horrible pain for months and months. If someone had told me that I could rid myself of that pain but I had to subject myself to a physical beating in order to do so, I'm pretty sure I would have said yes, in a heartbeat.

[2themoon&back]

Well to be honest, I've never been married but if I was I truly believe that I would prefer to get beat up rather than discover that my husband had been betraying me for months or even years. In this case the physical pain of being assaulted sounds less painful than the emotional pain of adultery.

 

Some years ago I had a very bad relationship that ended very badly for me. No cheating that I was aware of but lots of mental and emotional abuse. When it finally ended I was beyond devastated, really just ruined. I carried this horrible, horrible pain for months and months. If someone had told me that I could rid myself of that pain but I had to subject myself to a physical beating in order to do so, I'm pretty sure I would have said yes, in a heartbeat.

 

I am sorry you have had horrible pain, so have many of us here, I have had mental, emotional and physical pain as well and would not pick any one if I had a choice-- pain is pain --end of subject.

 

and this thread needs to be refocused on its original topic... why did pp's H's fow broke NC after 6 months and how she handled it, it is her thread and the focus needs to be supportive of her, her pain and her needs, not mho.

 

I hope pp, has continued support and successes in her M, which I have no doubt she will, and as for the fow contacting her H just shows that the fow may just be weak and acted on that weakness and for pp and H this is just an ugly reminder of the A her H had and an unwanted and unwarranted invasion of her life, I am sure from what has been posted here she handled it appropriately and should not ever have this problem again. I truly wish her the very best.

[Spark1111]

PP i think its great that your H showed you the text and is taking all the right steps to build trust with you.

 

For what its worth, as a FOW, I can tell you why she did it and it may not be as nefarious as you think (tho it may be too).

 

I know I would never get involved with xMM again while he is married. And we did not have a D day and my situation was not the norm. If we had had a D day and his W was upset etc perhaps I would never have contacted him again.

 

But often when people break up because of a D day, there are unfinished emotions on one side or the other. She may genuinely miss him and simply have wondered how he was. I know I think about xMM and wonder how he is, and I know he checks in on me through various mutual friends etc.

 

She may simply have wondered how he was.

 

I know that she has no business contacting your H, that she has no business being in touch with him and that she has no business wondering anything about your H ever ever again. Nonetheless, he was probably important to her and she may have just wondered how he was.

 

I hope it was only that innocent. In any case she shouldnt be in touch with your H and it sounds like you put a stop to it.

 

JJ...I agree this very well could be the case!

 

It could be very innocent on her behalf. But it still does not entitle her to closure or even a simple wondering how the former love interest is doing.

 

Especially so in an affair, IMO.

 

Because he and PP are married.

 

I am a married woman, and so I do not call up former boyfriends who broke up with me to see how they are doing today because I need "closure".

 

That would show an appalling lack of empathy to their wives or girlfriends.

 

That would show an appalling lack of respect to my husband if they were to contact me.

 

Even if I had once deeply cared for them, I allow them to find happiness wherever they may be now...without interference from me or my concerns of their well-being today.

 

Because to me, that can hurt them today!

 

And that's selfish, IMO.

[Fieldsofgold]

PP i think its great that your H showed you the text and is taking all the right steps to build trust with you.

 

For what its worth, as a FOW, I can tell you why she did it and it may not be as nefarious as you think (tho it may be too).

 

I know I would never get involved with xMM again while he is married. And we did not have a D day and my situation was not the norm. If we had had a D day and his W was upset etc perhaps I would never have contacted him again.

 

But often when people break up because of a D day, there are unfinished emotions on one side or the other. She may genuinely miss him and simply have wondered how he was. I know I think about xMM and wonder how he is, and I know he checks in on me through various mutual friends etc.

 

She may simply have wondered how he was.

 

I know that she has no business contacting your H, that she has no business being in touch with him and that she has no business wondering anything about your H ever ever again. Nonetheless, he was probably important to her and she may have just wondered how he was.

 

I hope it was only that innocent. In any case she shouldnt be in touch with your H and it sounds like you put a stop to it.

 

Speaking as a BS myself, a couple of my H's former love interests did contact him. I believe at least one did it innocently enough, much like what JJ described, and I know one called because she wanted to renew their R. Their calling didn't actually bother me because he told me about it, he was very open about it, and he didnt seem to have any interest in them. It did not upset me, because I trusted him. As long as his conversation with them helped them clearly understand that the door was closed, and he was not opening a door for them, it didn't bother me who he talked to.

 

HIS attitude toward them and our marriage was my only concern, rather than whether he ever spoke to them or met with them. As long as he made it clear he was not interested in anything with them, I did not mind him talking to them. Once. I could not have tolerated frequent phone calls.

 

After all, me throwing a fit and telling him he could not speak with them, would not have stopped him from seeing them on the sly if he had really wanted to. You can't make someone be committed or faithful to you. You can put the fear of wrath into them, but if their heart's not with you, they will only be as faithful as their fear or probability of getting caught. I guess that's not the kind of faithfulness I want.

 

It was the ones he didn't tell me about, the one I never knew called, the ones he saw behind my back, that just about killed me. I don't think me demanding that he not talk to someone would have stopped that. Only he could have stopped himself.

 

IMHO

Edited October 17, 2010 by Fieldsofgold

[jj33]

Spark I agree and at the end of my post I did acknowledge that she has no business contacting PPs H.

 

I struggle with that alot. There are things I want to say to xMM but its been a long time since the A ended, and I dont think its my place to raise them despite his azzhat behavior and his proclamations that he still loves me. He remains married so whatever I might say is really niether here nor there.

[pureinheart]

You are right, I did have an A, and I must be confused because I thought there was a big the difference in physical violence to someone and an A. I guess to you they are the same.

 

and I can assume your opinion of me is not very high because I had an A, most people’s are the same as yours, so I am used to that, I cannot undo what I have done, it is done and I have to own it. I am sorry people got hurt including me. I am sorry someone “like me” hurt you as well.

 

Hi 2themoon,

 

Please keep in mind that what the people in this forum think about you is unimportant, what matters is what you think of you.

 

Think about it...you are communicating with a group of people who have twisted your words and have been taking jabs at you at every turn, and you have tried to be nice.

 

Take care 2themoon:)

[PortuguesePrincess80]

I was trying to point out that violence (emotional and physical) are damaging to the one's on the receiving end. I wouldn't cheat (emotional damage)but I would open a can of whoop azz(physical & emotional damage) if I feel the need to. Neither are right, but you felt the need to point out that you felt that physical abuse is stooping. I felt the need to point out I feel that having an affair is stooping. Yet they both are abusive. No one like you hurt me. I don't know you. I feel that the ow in my case is unique in that there is only one her. You hurt the BS in your situation not me.

 

My opinion of you doesn't affect your life or how you live it so it is neither here nor there. This is just a open forum where people will see something that jumps out at them and comment on it. You did and so did I. That's all, nothing more.

 

Thanks for this once again Bent...this would be the nicest way of me putting it! There is no way I would EVER STOOP to that level of cheating with a married man...so either way...a beating would suffice!

[PortuguesePrincess80]

PP i think its great that your H showed you the text and is taking all the right steps to build trust with you.

 

For what its worth, as a FOW, I can tell you why she did it and it may not be as nefarious as you think (tho it may be too).

 

I know I would never get involved with xMM again while he is married. And we did not have a D day and my situation was not the norm. If we had had a D day and his W was upset etc perhaps I would never have contacted him again.

 

But often when people break up because of a D day, there are unfinished emotions on one side or the other. She may genuinely miss him and simply have wondered how he was. I know I think about xMM and wonder how he is, and I know he checks in on me through various mutual friends etc.

 

She may simply have wondered how he was.

So why not ask me when I called back? I could've told her he was doing awesome in making up to me for all the crap he put me through. I could've told her how wonderful he's been to the family since it all came out. I could've told her we had the most perfect weekend planned at a resort..just the 2 of us...which was indeed PERFECT!

 

I know that she has no business contacting your H, that she has no business being in touch with him and that she has no business wondering anything about your H ever ever again. Nonetheless, he was probably important to her and she may have just wondered how he was.

It seriously doesnt matter to me..NO contact is no contact...and well it doesnt sound like thats what she was calling for!

I hope it was only that innocent. In any case she shouldnt be in touch with your H and it sounds like you put a stop to it.

 

 

I sure hope I did. If anything...I simply think if he wanted it to carry on..he simply would've called her. The fact that he's totally not contacted her this whole time...should really give her some indictation to step out. If he wanted her like she really thought he did..believe me..nothing would've held him back. I am not making him stay. I have not made his life easy. If anything I probably pushed him so far away those first few months after d-day...I don't really know how he DID stay. If anything..that would've been the best escape if anything..I packed his crap..broke his stuff...treated him like *****...exposed him to EVERYONE! And he still stayed...hmmmm must mean something no?

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Well to be honest, I've never been married but if I was I truly believe that I would prefer to get beat up rather than discover that my husband had been betraying me for months or even years. In this case the physical pain of being assaulted sounds less painful than the emotional pain of adultery.

 

Some years ago I had a very bad relationship that ended very badly for me. No cheating that I was aware of but lots of mental and emotional abuse. When it finally ended I was beyond devastated, really just ruined. I carried this horrible, horrible pain for months and months. If someone had told me that I could rid myself of that pain but I had to subject myself to a physical beating in order to do so, I'm pretty sure I would have said yes, in a heartbeat.

 

 

Thanks for this Alexandria. In all reality I would've preferred a beating as well..over all that pain and betrayal. I guess your "STOOPING" to my level...LOL

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Speaking as a BS myself, a couple of my H's former love interests did contact him. I believe at least one did it innocently enough, much like what JJ described, and I know one called because she wanted to renew their R. Their calling didn't actually bother me because he told me about it, he was very open about it, and he didnt seem to have any interest in them. It did not upset me, because I trusted him. As long as his conversation with them helped them clearly understand that the door was closed, and he was not opening a door for them, it didn't bother me who he talked to.

 

HIS attitude toward them and our marriage was my only concern, rather than whether he ever spoke to them or met with them. As long as he made it clear he was not interested in anything with them, I did not mind him talking to them. Once. I could not have tolerated frequent phone calls.

Eeeks..them??? Sheesh..I can;t deal with 1..let alone them? I would seriously need to be admitted to some pscyhotherapy ward!

After all, me throwing a fit and telling him he could not speak with them, would not have stopped him from seeing them on the sly if he had really wanted to. You can't make someone be committed or faithful to you. You can put the fear of wrath into them, but if their heart's not with you, they will only be as faithful as their fear or probability of getting caught. I guess that's not the kind of faithfulness I want.

I agree with all thats said here.

It was the ones he didn't tell me about, the one I never knew called, the ones he saw behind my back, that just about killed me. I don't think me demanding that he not talk to someone would have stopped that. Only he could have stopped himself.

 

IMHO

 

You still with your husband FieldsOfGold?

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Spark I agree and at the end of my post I did acknowledge that she has no business contacting PPs H.

 

I struggle with that alot. There are things I want to say to xMM but its been a long time since the A ended, and I dont think its my place to raise them despite his azzhat behavior and his proclamations that he still loves me. He remains married so whatever I might say is really niether here nor there.

 

That is interesting..yet respectful towards the bs in some way. I know with my h's A...he never told her he loved her or anything of that sort. I am wondering how your xmm has proclaimed his love to you though? Are you talking about during the a..or after dd? Just curious!

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Spark I agree and at the end of my post I did acknowledge that she has no business contacting PPs H.

 

I struggle with that alot. There are things I want to say to xMM but its been a long time since the A ended, and I dont think its my place to raise them despite his azzhat behavior and his proclamations that he still loves me. He remains married so whatever I might say is really niether here nor there.

 

 

Sorry another question! What things do you still want to say to xMM???

[PortuguesePrincess80]

JJ...I agree this very well could be the case!

 

It could be very innocent on her behalf. But it still does not entitle her to closure or even a simple wondering how the former love interest is doing.

 

Especially so in an affair, IMO.

 

Because he and PP are married.

 

I am a married woman, and so I do not call up former boyfriends who broke up with me to see how they are doing today because I need "closure".

 

That would show an appalling lack of empathy to their wives or girlfriends.

 

That would show an appalling lack of respect to my husband if they were to contact me.

 

Even if I had once deeply cared for them, I allow them to find happiness wherever they may be now...without interference from me or my concerns of their well-being today.

 

Because to me, that can hurt them today!

 

And that's selfish, IMO.

 

Could'nt have said it better myself Spark. It's one thing to say hi to old boyfriends though...I mean not calling them personally or anything like that..but just in general..because our past relationships with them are hardly comparable to an affair! There was no minipulation involved..it was innocent. There is absolutely NOTHING innocent about an affair with both parties involved!

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Hi 2themoon,

 

Please keep in mind that what the people in this forum think about you is unimportant, what matters is what you think of you.

 

Think about it...you are communicating with a group of people who have twisted your words and have been taking jabs at you at every turn, and you have tried to be nice.

 

Take care 2themoon:)

 

Honey..we haven't twisted anything. You get involved with a married person..you put yourself in that position to get critizied! If you were at all remorseful for your involvement in the betrayal of affecting a family...then at least I would acknowledge that. But the fact that you keep on making excuses and basically not taking any responsibilities for your actions and keep on with the "I didn't take the vows" response..your still running away from the fact! The fact is you knew the person WAS married...and for some reason..I have no idea what would lead someone to be #2 to an others life would be..but either way you made that decision. Whether you can get over it or understand why you put yourself in that postion in the first place I don't know...well thats your problem to deal with now.

 

On another note...there will never be any justifications for cheaters..whether its the MM/MW or OW/OM...period. If your not happy..leave! Its that simple. I think the most incredible thing here is...why did you think it was okay to be with a married man in the first place? Do you seriously think thats normal? What happened in your life to lead you to THAT? Especially when you were a bs to begin with? How hypocritical is that?

[confusedinkansas]

On another note...there will never be any justifications for cheaters..whether its the MM/MW or OW/OM...period. If your not happy..leave! Its that simple. I think the most incredible thing here is...why did you think it was okay to be with a married man in the first place? Do you seriously think thats normal? What happened in your life to lead you to THAT? Especially when you were a bs to begin with? How hypocritical is that?

 

Sorry if this gets off your original post - Just have 2 comments.

 

You're right there is NO justification for cheating..... But there are always reasons.

 

HOWEVER, If your not happy..leave! Its that simple this is a statement that is not ALWAYS true.

It is not just SIMPLE to walk away from an unhappy marriage. If it were, I'd highly doubt that the infidelity percentages would be as high as they are.